Between the Lines
- Description
- Reviews
- Citation
- Cataloging
- Transcript
A visually lyrical, experimental documentary about women who cut themselves, this film explores the gray areas in women's relationships to their bodies in the context of deliberately self-inflicted injury. The women in Between the Lines negotiate the fine line between self-destructive behavior and self-preserving coping mechanisms.
"Commonly the focus is 'on the lines,' on the wounds. Yet what is most important is what exists 'between the lines': the actual person. This is a crucial work, that transcends the limits which usually constrain the exploration of the topic of self-injury."Ruta Mazelis, The Cutting Edge
"Women talk about their own scarification experiences, a self-mutilating practice which they use as a means of enduring intense psychic pain. Its origin, we learn in this film, can be traced to sexual abuse in 98% of the cases. Between the Lines gives us a personal and pertinent insight into a complex psychological problem."Visions du Reel, Nyon Documentary Film Festival
Citation
Main credits
Constantinou, Sophia (film director)
Constantinou, Sophia (cinematographer)
Constantinou, Sophia (editor of moving image work)
Other credits
Cinematographer, editor, Sophia Constantinou; music, File Under [and 3 others].
Distributor subjects
Adolescence; Mental Illness, Brain Disorders; Psychology, Psychiatry, Social Work; Suicide / Self InjuryKeywords
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There definitely is a very much a fine line
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and anything that you do and
whether it\'s going to be.
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Whether what you do is going to have a good
good consequences or trying to get one
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I would cut myself and the reasons
I did so were to try to manage
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this tremendous tremendous
emotional pain and anguish I was
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feeling that I wasn\'t sure of the
source of and for me the cutting.
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Would do that it would help me
cope with something that felt
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in survival but at the moment so that\'s
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what worked but when I tried to reach out
for help I think knowing that people bleed.
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At their own hand just Is inconceivable to
so many people coming from such a prevalent.
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Part of my life lands
around 15 in the context of
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coming out in becoming conscious
that and another was dead.
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I was in a lot of pain and
sadness and depression like
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severe severe depression and I just want
to say like right here right now up front.
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At the time I was suicidal.
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But that wasn\'t it was separate
from that cutting was not in
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order to die cutting was a
way of managing the pain
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and getting More control over
what was happening to me but for
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me it was something that I did in order to
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feel when I wasn\'t feeling
and it was something there\'s
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something that I that I did in
order to know sensation about
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my body as well because my body knew
so little in terms of sensation.
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I didn\'t know anything about
myself sexually I didn\'t
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know anything about myself physically so as
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Really A time of learning about
my own space in space at I
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inhabit when I became safer
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as an adult to start remembering to start
healing the pain it\'s still felt intolerable.
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And that\'s one cutting became
a major part of my life
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in young adulthood and for about
ten years after that to deal with
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the pain that was so profound I didn\'t
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feel it was survivable
even though it came from
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experiences that I\'d had
already physically survived
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The people at the heart grow hospital.
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They say that they\'re surprised when
there isn\'t a case of incest in the past
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like 98% or something of all their
cutters have had a case of incest.
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But like who knows I mean
not really know if it\'s
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connected you know I just had a
really really low self-esteem that I
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was bad I was dirty house and
this is all the stuff that
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like I was told when I was
being molested was that it was
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my fault it\'s very empty for a lot of
that I mean a lot of my adolescence.
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Was not what was a Empty feeling that
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there was something missing that there was
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something I wasn\'t feeling and
I\'m sure a lot of that had to do
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with being queer and in posited
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that I didn\'t fit in so many situations
I wasn\'t and isn\'t the girl.
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That I was seeing all around me I wasn\'t
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that girl that I was playing
with I wasn\'t all of all
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of these images of what I saw as
normal and what Isiah was Phil.
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I didn\'t understand my own
self-injury for many many years and
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I sought help from mental health
professionals and was told I would benefit
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from their forms of
treatment and what occurred
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was what I just said happens to
so many women was I was medicated
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against my will I was
institutionalized against my will
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because the whole goal was to
get me to stop doing what I was
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doing and to do so in a punitive way not
to do so in a compassionate way when
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my house and she laid she\'s leaving or
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whatever came and was leaving Chile
grab my wrist and slammed it
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against the wall and said
What the hell are you
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doing and what were the same as
it was It was a fresh scar It
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was like a fresh cut and I was just like
really pissed off and unlikely to know
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your fucking business and she\'s
like I know what you\'re doing.
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I\'ve done it and I don\'t
want you to do that
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but usually when I do it
I\'m so numb emotionally
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I\'ve just suppressed everything
that\'s going on in the feelings.
00:06:06.530 --> 00:06:10.384
So much that I can\'t
feel anything and that\'s
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usually when I do that I\'ve gone
through this major trauma I\'ve just
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shoved it all down but I can
feel it like almost coming to
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the surface it\'s a way of matching the
physical pain with the emotional pain
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and acknowledging it making
myself not in love anymore
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because I have to attend to
what\'s going on I have to
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feel it physically and so I feel it
emotionally and it\'s very soothing process.
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I\'ve put a lot of thought into most of them
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and tried to have it mean
something where it would four to
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five meter I tried to use
symbols that that were real to
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me and incoming into these
traditions I see you
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There\'s very much similarity
00:06:58.730 --> 00:07:02.179
between the symbols that I have
my body with the symbols that
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we use to represent particular spirit
a lot of these afortification work.
00:07:09.200 --> 00:07:13.174
So that I can continue walking
upright in this world.
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Due to whatever.
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Whenever a particular challenge
or trauma that even if I
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just was feeling a little
kind of disconnected.
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That was a way that I would
connect myself that was a way for
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me to ground myself if I
ever thought that I was
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getting too out there and there\'s
nothing like having to do
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a very intense thing to yourself to
ground yourself To understand yourself.
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Something that cutting did for
me was helped me find my body.
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What I found is something
that\'s not unusual just for me
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but for most women who survived the abuses
we have co-experience of body of self.
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It was not safe for me to have a body
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and when I started realizing I didn\'t
have when I couldn\'t get rid of it
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I remember really specific times
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of like looking at my body in
different ways and shapes I mean
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I remember one time being at a at a
department store trying on clothes
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and Not liking what I was seeing
in the mirror not liking.
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Who I was not really knowing
who I was not knowing
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how far my mind could go
just feeling really limited
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in what I knew about myself and
just hating so much of what I
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saw at my hair my my face you
know nothing nothing was
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the way it should be and I remember leaving
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the department store and
on the way home dragging
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my knuckles across all of the facades
of the buildings that I was passing
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the brick glass the iron Wrought iron
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gates that I would pass I was running wild.
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An eight year old at Texas summer nights
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marriage dragging minor member like
Safeway they had a really rough
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because just like incredibly
rough textured world
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and I just kept running
back and forth driving
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Megakles you know just a very
00:09:49.630 --> 00:09:54.324
typical sort of doubling the
emotional theme church to energy.
00:09:54.325 --> 00:09:58.389
Sometimes I\'d cut myself for all
wild fraud even feel that I\'ll
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just be like cutting myself
and not feeling it at
00:10:02.170 --> 00:10:05.444
all it would just seem like
an interesting sensation like
00:10:05.445 --> 00:10:10.609
Right like just a fingernail or something
it just wouldn\'t even hurt and
00:10:10.610 --> 00:10:12.679
so I\'d have to cut more and more until
00:10:12.680 --> 00:10:15.259
finally we would her you know and
then as soon as it would hurt
00:10:15.260 --> 00:10:23.260
enough then I would be done when looking back
on that period of time when I was really
00:10:23.480 --> 00:10:26.299
abusing my my body and a lot of
00:10:26.300 --> 00:10:34.300
different ways wheeling myself
cutting myself burning myself
00:10:35.980 --> 00:10:41.179
I see it now as a as a time
of being just not aware of
00:10:41.180 --> 00:10:46.219
my physical space not not loving
my body not caring for it
00:10:46.220 --> 00:10:51.049
not Experiencing it and
really trying to explore and
00:10:51.050 --> 00:10:56.494
understand what the
confines of the body are
00:10:56.495 --> 00:11:03.889
and had I been in my body had I
known about my physical space and
00:11:03.890 --> 00:11:07.369
the physical limitations and
known about the power of
00:11:07.370 --> 00:11:12.330
my body I think that I would
have been more grounded.
00:11:16.480 --> 00:11:20.869
When I hurt myself and
other women who speak out
00:11:20.870 --> 00:11:24.469
on the same they hurt themselves
their intent is not to harm
00:11:24.470 --> 00:11:27.769
hurt and Harvard are
separate concepts herding is
00:11:27.770 --> 00:11:33.589
somehow Taking away some of
the harm to harm to me for
00:11:33.590 --> 00:11:37.849
myself would be to act out on myself
out of my own self hatred and blamed
00:11:37.850 --> 00:11:43.159
myself for the violence in the
past the abuse that I survived.
00:11:43.160 --> 00:11:45.079
There was like anger at my body but at
00:11:45.080 --> 00:11:47.959
the same time I think it was
a way of like trying to get
00:11:47.960 --> 00:11:52.894
my body back well it had gotten to such an
extreme that I wasn\'t feeling my body anymore.
00:11:52.895 --> 00:11:56.599
I would look down at my feet and they would
be these things that were really far away
00:11:56.600 --> 00:12:00.529
on the other side of
sun-like national border.
00:12:00.530 --> 00:12:03.589
I want it to be able to taste
food again I want it to be able
00:12:03.590 --> 00:12:06.409
to enjoy music I mean I\'d
have to turn the music up
00:12:06.410 --> 00:12:10.879
all the way all the way up to
like even begin to hear it I mean
00:12:10.880 --> 00:12:17.610
just All my senses were like everything
was like saw dust everywhere.
00:12:37.210 --> 00:12:41.989
One I used cutting for
sometimes Was to get back
00:12:41.990 --> 00:12:47.133
into my body to feel it to see it to
know that it was real and it exists.
00:12:47.134 --> 00:12:52.039
Technically it\'s labeled called dissociation
as a process of when you\'re being
00:12:52.040 --> 00:12:54.229
traumatized me can\'t quite Stay in
00:12:54.230 --> 00:12:57.229
your body to cope with it or
else you don\'t feel you survive.
00:12:57.230 --> 00:13:01.459
You pretty much leave your body
and in adulthood I continue to do
00:13:01.460 --> 00:13:07.339
that there would have been
a time in order to go
00:13:07.340 --> 00:13:11.509
through this interview I
would have cut myself and
00:13:11.510 --> 00:13:16.129
ramped an ace bandage around my wrist after
I taught myself and had my long sleeves on
00:13:16.130 --> 00:13:18.859
and been doing this interview just
having self-injury in order to get
00:13:18.860 --> 00:13:22.969
through an interview on self-injury in
00:13:22.970 --> 00:13:25.819
the past 5-10 years I\'ve
learned other ways to help
00:13:25.820 --> 00:13:29.359
my body to ground itself to
know that it\'s mine to value
00:13:29.360 --> 00:13:37.360
it more than I ever have when I was
pregnant And late adolescence.
00:13:37.820 --> 00:13:42.634
I remembered fully that my
brother and my older brother had
00:13:42.635 --> 00:13:48.394
like most and me for
several years and to have
00:13:48.395 --> 00:13:56.395
like white and your memory filled
in I typically was at a loss and
00:13:57.830 --> 00:14:02.299
the identities and so I took it upon
00:14:02.300 --> 00:14:07.369
myself to remove my fingerprints
and to add insult to
00:14:07.370 --> 00:14:15.319
injury I then just made us slash Dan
HBR to and that as an image has
00:14:15.320 --> 00:14:21.259
really It sort of permeates my art
00:14:21.260 --> 00:14:28.999
my writing my dreams
constantly delivering oxygen.
00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:33.169
Just the top layers of skin trying to
00:14:33.170 --> 00:14:37.980
get at like a lack of identity
which is where I found myself
00:14:38.620 --> 00:14:44.449
and I think part of it is definitely
the control factor feeling out of
00:14:44.450 --> 00:14:49.354
control just unable to change my situation
00:14:49.355 --> 00:14:57.355
unable to create my situation and having no
power over the situation But I had power in
00:14:59.330 --> 00:15:02.944
that I could make myself plead that I
00:15:02.945 --> 00:15:07.699
could make myself feel a sensation
that I could cut myself that I
00:15:07.700 --> 00:15:15.700
could take control of the I\'m not
ashamed of having gone through this at
00:15:17.510 --> 00:15:25.510
all I feel like really this
is just another aspect of
00:15:26.450 --> 00:15:30.439
the self-destructive
behavior that people show
00:15:30.440 --> 00:15:34.969
in every single aspect of constant
everyday life you know caffeine and
00:15:34.970 --> 00:15:42.970
cigarettes and alcohol and drugs and
reckless driving Scarification.
00:15:43.720 --> 00:15:51.720
Or me. Men a lot of different things are
connected to my relationships and my connection
00:15:53.770 --> 00:15:57.429
with my ancestor as my people
I think it\'s kind of hard for
00:15:57.430 --> 00:16:01.179
people to understand why
would put yourself in
00:16:01.180 --> 00:16:05.529
pain and think that it\'s
a spiritual ceremony
00:16:05.530 --> 00:16:10.209
or act scarification was
was always done in a in
00:16:10.210 --> 00:16:17.049
a particular sanctified and
historically sacred arena
00:16:17.050 --> 00:16:21.770
for particular moments transitions in time
00:16:32.290 --> 00:16:36.889
Every scar that I have has
led me up into the door to
00:16:36.890 --> 00:16:41.689
the traditions the African traditions
that are made I don\'t see it as
00:16:41.690 --> 00:16:46.069
a self-destructive thing
because it\'s helped
00:16:46.070 --> 00:16:51.720
me get where I am but it\'s also a
part of it\'s also a part of my past.
00:16:56.110 --> 00:17:02.489
I\'m really protective of it I know this is
like a survival technique for me but there
00:17:02.490 --> 00:17:09.030
is shame about it is well definitely and
it comes from Whenever I\'ve been taught.
00:17:17.320 --> 00:17:22.609
We are looking at the sky and see
sometimes depending on where I\'m
00:17:22.610 --> 00:17:28.249
at I can see see you pane there
00:17:28.250 --> 00:17:33.169
and also see it as like
a place where I didn\'t
00:17:33.170 --> 00:17:38.479
put it in focus it and let it
go the whole healing process of
00:17:38.480 --> 00:17:45.769
scarf cation and Kinase really
is a very healing thing to
00:17:45.770 --> 00:17:50.109
emotion Because you have to
00:17:50.110 --> 00:17:56.124
like take care yourself and get attention
you value otherwise you\'re a mess.
00:17:56.125 --> 00:18:03.324
The whole cycle of feeling that the damage
to embody and emotion revealing the damage.
00:18:03.325 --> 00:18:09.369
Letting it out through blood and doing this
process cutting and then taking care of
00:18:09.370 --> 00:18:15.999
it and taking care of myself I
can determined a lot by color.
00:18:16.000 --> 00:18:20.019
I\'m gonna scars healing is often so
flaming pinks was flaming red and
00:18:20.020 --> 00:18:23.979
it\'s blatant in it\'s obvious
and my scars are fading and
00:18:23.980 --> 00:18:26.259
they\'re not anywhere near as
noticeable as they were and that\'s
00:18:26.260 --> 00:18:29.064
kinda how it feels is is today
00:18:29.065 --> 00:18:31.999
a lot of their di pane has faded And I\'m
00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:35.493
onto new things new places
and new new wholeness.
00:18:35.494 --> 00:18:37.879
But the scars reminded me of what was in
00:18:37.880 --> 00:18:40.669
the past and it\'s no longer
weakness but a strength to draw
00:18:40.670 --> 00:18:46.039
from the whole thing is
00:18:46.040 --> 00:18:53.689
about for me a spiritual connection
so in my way I would pray.
00:18:53.690 --> 00:18:58.669
I would pray that that
some of my situations
00:18:58.670 --> 00:19:03.169
will change would pray for
fortification I would pray for
00:19:03.170 --> 00:19:07.129
understanding of myself and
my culture I would pray
00:19:07.130 --> 00:19:12.753
for strength as far as my family\'s consumed
00:19:12.754 --> 00:19:17.239
Passion as far as my family
is concerned I would pray
00:19:17.240 --> 00:19:22.729
that that I have the strength
to to to build my character I
00:19:22.730 --> 00:19:25.699
have the strength to let
go of the things about
00:19:25.700 --> 00:19:30.739
myself that doesn\'t do
me any good that I had
00:19:30.740 --> 00:19:38.740
the strength to let those things go and have
the focus to actually really changed them
00:19:51.580 --> 00:19:56.479
I will never say that I will
no longer cut And to me that
00:19:56.480 --> 00:20:01.249
saying I will not ever use
a lifeline I\'ve always
00:20:01.250 --> 00:20:09.250
had as a resource if it ever comes back
to that point they said that there\'s like
00:20:09.935 --> 00:20:14.719
eight to ten year burnout rate and it seems
like it\'s just kind of burnt-out For me it
00:20:14.720 --> 00:20:19.774
started when I was like 17 or 18 and now
I\'m like I\'m going to be 30 in October.
00:20:19.775 --> 00:20:22.459
Like I find myself walking
into the kitchen.
00:20:22.460 --> 00:20:24.769
Of somebody\'s house picking
up a knife and they\'d be
00:20:24.770 --> 00:20:27.499
like no I really don\'t even
need to do this anymore and
00:20:27.500 --> 00:20:29.749
just putting it back the majority
being light because that isn\'t how
00:20:29.750 --> 00:20:32.959
I deal with it anymore I don\'t I don\'t need
00:20:32.960 --> 00:20:40.960
to do that I would stop doing it if I
00:20:42.500 --> 00:20:46.099
could but I also don\'t
want to if I need to go
00:20:46.100 --> 00:20:52.129
into in a way
00:20:52.130 --> 00:20:57.360
they\'re still healing in a
way they\'re still doorways