Inner Wound Real
- Description
- Reviews
- Citation
- Cataloging
- Transcript
INNER WOUND REAL is an animated short documentary that relays the story of three BIPOC folks who self-injure, then find new ways to cope. Each participant’s story has its own distinct visual style. The chapters are independent puzzle pieces that together form the 15-minute film. Everyone self harms in some way, such as smoking, excessive drinking, or eating unhealthy foods, yet self-injury carries a unique stigma. While most media depictions of self-injury focus on able-bodied white cis-women, this project focuses on three individuals: an Indian cismale, a Black transgender non-binary person, and a Filipinx queer femme who all find solace in the arts. The variety of family backgrounds and identities show how this practice spans across racial, ethnic, and gendered groups.
Elena Guzman, PhD, Assistant Professor, African American and African Diaspora Studies and Anthropology | Indiana University Bloomington
”Inner Wound Real is a timely short film that foregrounds how BIPOC people experience self-injury and find alternative coping mechanisms. The film’s use of different animation styles take us onto a journey into each person’s testimony of self-injury and different alternatives that allow them to cope without self-injury. With the animation we are allowed to move beyond the talking head documentary and instead delve into a multisensory experience that enables us to accompany each person on their journey. We are not merely spectators but we are asked to listen and listen deeply. The non-mimetic style of animation allows us to use metaphor and symbol to delve deeper beyond words. Animation allows for worlds to open up that would not otherwise be possible with live action footage. Given how highly stigmatized mental health is in BIPOC communities, Inner Wound Real allows people to speak for themselves without judgment and in doing so open up a space of conversation between the film and its audience.”
Citation
Main credits
Hawks, Carrie (film director)
Hawks, Carrie (animator)
Moore, Chelsea (film producer)
Other credits
Editor, Veroniqué Doumbé; animators, Carrie Hawks, Sakshi Jain, Pilar Garcia-Fernandezsesma; composer, Mauricio Escamilla.
Distributor subjects
Self-injury; Suicide; First Generation; Trans Mental HealthKeywords
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I was probably, probably
00:00:21.000 --> 00:00:23.291
one of the shyest
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person, shy person I knew.
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I just
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I was afraid of people.
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I just couldn't talk to them.
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I couldn't mingle.
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I couldn't make friends easily.
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I just felt alone.
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And I felt like, okay,
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maybe this is what I'm supposed to be.
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I'm supposed to be alone.
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And if I was going to be alone,
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then I want to still feel something.
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So then
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as far as the self-harm kicks in,
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where it's like, okay, well,
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this is the way you feel something.
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And you can assign meanings
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to these pains and these acts.
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Each individual act had a
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like a meaning to it
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and why I was doing it.
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What I wanted to feel.
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Or
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some of them were just to punish as well.
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Like, if I did something bad,
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the world wasn't going to punish me.
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I made sure
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that I was going to punish me.
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I poured like a spoon of hot water
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on my face.
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Luckily, it hasn't stayed with.
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But I remember that
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it was like a month that I had like this.
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It was first degree burn on my face.
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And I forget what I told my mom,
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how that happened.
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But I was able to play it
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off, surprisingly.
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I mean, I remember some nights
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I would like, you know, like, just cry,
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you know, like,
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kind of like,
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you know, wait
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‘till everybody's asleep and just kind of.
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Just bawl out emotionally,
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just cathartically
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just let it all out.
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But after a while,
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that becomes not enough.
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I didn't want to exist
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or if I was going to exist,
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I wanted to feel something
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because I felt dead in real life.
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But when I was doing
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these acts to myself, I felt alive.
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But I also knew
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this was too far, even for me.
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I just started
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exploring new ways to express myself.
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There has to be another way.
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There has to be something else
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I can do besides this
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This forensic science class I was in.
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Primarily had
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students from a year older than me,
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so they never really grew up with me
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so I could reinvent myself.
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And this group of people,
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they they found me
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funny, entertaining.
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They liked talking to me.
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And that boosted my confidence.
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Like anything, I just felt all right.
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I finally have
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real friends,
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but slowly
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I wasn't looking forward
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to cutting myself anymore.
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I was looking forward
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to spending the next class with these
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with this group
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because I was just so happy with them.
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I could
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talk, I could, I could just crack jokes.
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I just love, see, smile.
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I was like,
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I remember, like,
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trying to come up with jokes
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and funny things to say the night
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before going to class.
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And that's what kind of birthed
00:03:54.791 --> 00:03:57.541
the actor in me, the performer in me.
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And
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soon after I was like,
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I want to do morning news announcements
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because then I can get a bigger
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audience and I can
00:04:06.166 --> 00:04:07.291
I can do the same shtick
00:04:07.291 --> 00:04:09.083
that this class loved
00:04:09.083 --> 00:04:10.375
on a bigger platform.
00:04:10.375 --> 00:04:11.583
And I did.
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I became a new person
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it was all because
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like four people
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saw me in a different light.
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They engaged me on a different level
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than the entire world was.
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I would have episodes
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where things felt like too much
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and somehow scissors were grabbed
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and clothing
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generally was cut first
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because kiddie scissors
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don't do or didn't, don't do it
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what I needed them to do at the moment.
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I don't really know
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how long in preschool I was doing it.
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I used to carry like knives
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and blades with me, in like,
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elementary school,
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even though I still didn't cut, but like
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I just always wanted, like,
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Something about those things, did something for me
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until, like, I got older,
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and then I had this, like, all this space
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that allowed me to, like,
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use it as a coping mechanism
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on a more regular basis,
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not just because
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not just in the extreme situation.
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My father was abusive to my
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mom and also a drug user,
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and I had just recently
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like been abused.
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It was almost like
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being filled to the brim
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with like emotions I couldn't handle
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almost like alien.
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Like the aliens are kind of
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trying to pop out of my body
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because it was too much internally.
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I think the blood was like
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some sort of visual indication
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that the pain would come later.
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that like at least
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If I could see that
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I was bleeding that like,
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at least
00:06:01.875 --> 00:06:03.125
like whenever the fuck
00:06:03.125 --> 00:06:05.333
I could get myself to calm down
00:06:05.916 --> 00:06:06.750
that I would
00:06:06.750 --> 00:06:10.708
physically feel the pain after.
00:06:11.041 --> 00:06:12.583
But that pain would also like
00:06:12.583 --> 00:06:13.708
be this relieving
00:06:13.708 --> 00:06:15.625
like I would feel relieved for a while
00:06:15.625 --> 00:06:17.708
because also I heal slowly.
00:06:17.708 --> 00:06:20.625
So like I yeah, I just it felt,
00:06:21.125 --> 00:06:23.708
I felt like an immense amount of relief
00:06:25.208 --> 00:06:27.208
I actually stopped
00:06:27.208 --> 00:06:28.666
cutting
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like super actively in high school.
00:06:31.875 --> 00:06:34.000
And I hadn't really cut in some time.
00:06:35.208 --> 00:06:36.083
So I would write
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or I would draw
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and those things stuff for me too.
00:06:40.041 --> 00:06:41.416
And were healing
00:06:41.416 --> 00:06:44.791
but cutting also like actively like
00:06:45.250 --> 00:06:46.583
made me feel
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relieved in a way that nothing else can.
00:06:49.291 --> 00:06:50.250
Still,
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I missed that, like, release.
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I miss
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I miss the feeling of being able to like
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wind myself back and feel like I.
00:07:01.458 --> 00:07:01.833
I
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I felt most okay after I cut
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and nothing compares to.
00:07:11.708 --> 00:07:15.333
So I sometimes I get nostalgic about it
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even in moments
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where I'm like, really freaking out.
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Music is helpful,
00:07:19.708 --> 00:07:21.083
but like, to be honest,
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it's like my scars looking at them.
00:07:23.500 --> 00:07:24.416
And you've been like
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remembering the feelings after.
00:07:28.750 --> 00:07:30.416
Do something that nothing else can.
00:07:32.875 --> 00:07:34.500
I try to, like, more tell
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intimate partners now.
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One, because
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they're going to see the scars.
00:07:39.458 --> 00:07:43.375
I have them and they’re visible
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and I mean, for a long time
00:07:45.625 --> 00:07:46.541
I had like
00:07:46.541 --> 00:07:48.416
intimate, quote unquote, partners
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that wouldn't see my body.
00:07:50.833 --> 00:07:53.958
But eventually, I felt like
00:07:55.458 --> 00:07:58.125
I wanted folks to be able to see my body
00:07:58.125 --> 00:07:59.375
and not to hide those things.
00:07:59.375 --> 00:08:01.083
Because whether or not
00:08:01.083 --> 00:08:02.166
the scars are visible
00:08:02.166 --> 00:08:05.000
like it was definitely a part of me
00:08:05.625 --> 00:08:06.958
that I wanted to be able to share
00:08:06.958 --> 00:08:08.291
with, like people I loved
00:08:08.291 --> 00:08:10.500
and shared space with.
00:08:10.500 --> 00:08:12.541
I liken it to being trans, like,
00:08:12.541 --> 00:08:14.250
I don't tell everybody.
00:08:14.250 --> 00:08:15.708
I'm not comfortable telling everybody,
00:08:15.708 --> 00:08:17.583
but like, it's a very
00:08:17.791 --> 00:08:19.083
important part that like,
00:08:19.083 --> 00:08:21.000
if I feel like I can't tell you, then it
00:08:21.000 --> 00:08:22.416
affects how close we can be.
00:08:38.333 --> 00:08:39.541
It's just so difficult
00:08:39.541 --> 00:08:42.333
to be queer and be a person of color.
00:08:43.875 --> 00:08:45.500
And not having like
00:08:45.500 --> 00:08:48.416
people like that around is just so
00:08:48.625 --> 00:08:52.291
it's so discouraging and isolating.
00:08:52.541 --> 00:08:54.500
I always felt like my parents were
00:08:54.500 --> 00:08:55.208
they always had like
00:08:55.208 --> 00:08:58.500
super high expectations of me.
00:08:58.500 --> 00:09:01.083
I definitely didn't have, like,
00:09:01.083 --> 00:09:02.750
the words and the analysis
00:09:02.750 --> 00:09:04.083
to describe it at the time.
00:09:04.083 --> 00:09:06.333
But I think just because of the
00:09:06.333 --> 00:09:08.000
like the generation gap
00:09:08.000 --> 00:09:11.750
and them being immigrants to the U.S.
00:09:11.791 --> 00:09:14.166
and then me being born here, like we had
00:09:14.750 --> 00:09:16.916
totally different ideas of like
00:09:16.916 --> 00:09:19.666
what my life would end up becoming,
00:09:22.833 --> 00:09:24.250
not even just like what,
00:09:24.250 --> 00:09:25.958
you know, what career path I would take
00:09:25.958 --> 00:09:26.958
or you know, who
00:09:26.958 --> 00:09:27.541
I would
00:09:27.541 --> 00:09:28.916
marry or whatever
00:09:28.916 --> 00:09:31.291
they were really concerned about.
00:09:31.291 --> 00:09:33.750
It was everything about like how I dress,
00:09:33.916 --> 00:09:35.125
how I cut my hair,
00:09:36.541 --> 00:09:37.916
what my attitude look like.
00:09:37.916 --> 00:09:40.166
(be)cause I was very different,
00:09:40.291 --> 00:09:41.625
cuz I would worry so much about
00:09:41.625 --> 00:09:43.208
like what other people would think.
00:09:43.208 --> 00:09:45.333
And then I would
00:09:45.333 --> 00:09:46.000
I would try to, like,
00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:48.333
brainstorm ways of how to cover it up.
00:09:49.500 --> 00:09:50.416
When I used to cut
00:09:50.416 --> 00:09:51.791
like it was that
00:09:51.791 --> 00:09:53.958
even though like it hurt a little bit,
00:09:54.166 --> 00:09:56.541
it wasn't like this scary kind of thing.
00:10:02.333 --> 00:10:04.166
This is painful for like a little bit,
00:10:04.166 --> 00:10:05.958
and then it stops
00:10:05.958 --> 00:10:08.625
and then the skin grows over again,
00:10:08.625 --> 00:10:10.041
and then you're fine.
00:10:13.000 --> 00:10:14.166
I was in San Francisco
00:10:14.166 --> 00:10:16.166
and I told one of my friends there
00:10:16.166 --> 00:10:16.541
like,
00:10:16.541 --> 00:10:18.041
I've always wanted to get tattoos
00:10:18.041 --> 00:10:19.500
and I feel like
00:10:19.500 --> 00:10:21.958
it would be so good to get them over my wrist
00:10:21.958 --> 00:10:23.791
because it'll, you know
00:10:23.791 --> 00:10:24.458
be for me,
00:10:24.458 --> 00:10:26.041
like I can remind myself
00:10:26.041 --> 00:10:27.166
to, like, not cut.
00:10:32.458 --> 00:10:33.083
He was the only
00:10:33.083 --> 00:10:34.083
person in town
00:10:34.083 --> 00:10:35.083
that would do them
00:10:35.083 --> 00:10:37.125
for like under a hundred bucks.
00:10:37.125 --> 00:10:39.333
Even before he started tattooing me,
00:10:39.375 --> 00:10:42.041
like he saw all the scars on my wrists.
00:10:48.416 --> 00:10:49.250
After that,
00:10:49.250 --> 00:10:49.708
I was like,
00:10:49.708 --> 00:10:52.500
I need to take this seriously.
00:10:52.708 --> 00:10:54.250
Like, this is a better
00:10:54.250 --> 00:10:57.083
way to control what I'm feeling.
00:11:00.000 --> 00:11:02.083
But truthfully,
00:11:02.791 --> 00:11:04.125
it is to cover up the scars
00:11:04.125 --> 00:11:06.083
that I had from cutting.
00:11:06.083 --> 00:11:09.625
And it was I felt like it was a good
00:11:10.708 --> 00:11:12.916
preventative thing.
00:11:15.500 --> 00:11:17.666
It's not easy to stop tho.
00:11:17.666 --> 00:11:18.375
I think,
00:11:18.375 --> 00:11:19.375
with cutting and drinking,
00:11:19.375 --> 00:11:21.125
I feel the same way.
00:11:21.666 --> 00:11:24.666
Like, I don't regret anything.
00:11:24.750 --> 00:11:26.041
I honestly feel that way.
00:11:26.041 --> 00:11:29.541
More towards drinking.
00:11:29.541 --> 00:11:31.291
It's almost like the amount of control
00:11:31.291 --> 00:11:32.666
that you have
00:11:33.458 --> 00:11:35.500
in drinking is like
00:11:35.500 --> 00:11:36.708
it just feels like nothing.
00:11:36.708 --> 00:11:38.458
But then, like, with cutting,
00:11:38.458 --> 00:11:39.375
there is control.
00:11:39.375 --> 00:11:40.666
But I'm like, I'm wondering, like, why?
00:11:40.666 --> 00:11:41.125
Why
00:11:41.916 --> 00:11:44.291
why replace like
00:11:44.541 --> 00:11:47.125
one form of self-harm with another,
00:11:47.125 --> 00:11:48.333
but like the outcomes
00:11:48.333 --> 00:11:51.083
are a little bit different, I feel.
00:11:53.916 --> 00:11:54.625
Feel like with drinking.
00:11:54.625 --> 00:11:57.291
Like I would just have no
00:11:57.708 --> 00:11:59.416
control over my personality
00:11:59.416 --> 00:12:00.291
in particular.
00:12:00.291 --> 00:12:01.375
Like it made me into this
00:12:01.375 --> 00:12:02.208
different person.
00:12:02.208 --> 00:12:05.916
But I felt like I didn't recognize.
00:12:09.416 --> 00:12:11.125
I don't know that I would say that
00:12:11.125 --> 00:12:12.083
cutting always made me
00:12:12.083 --> 00:12:13.416
feel better about myself,
00:12:13.416 --> 00:12:15.833
but maybe drinking did.
00:12:15.833 --> 00:12:17.208
I would always get scared
00:12:17.208 --> 00:12:19.625
of getting the reactions like,
00:12:21.666 --> 00:12:24.125
Oh, you're trying to kill yourself.
00:12:24.125 --> 00:12:25.541
This isn't me trying to kill myself.
00:12:25.541 --> 00:12:26.041
This is me.
00:12:26.041 --> 00:12:27.166
Just like trying to understand,
00:12:27.166 --> 00:12:28.750
like, how I feel.
00:12:29.500 --> 00:12:31.791
Maybe like a couple weeks ago,
00:12:31.791 --> 00:12:32.625
somebody came to me,
00:12:32.625 --> 00:12:35.583
who's also queer and Filipino, and they.
00:12:35.583 --> 00:12:37.708
They have a bunch of
00:12:37.708 --> 00:12:39.416
scars on their wrists.
00:12:39.416 --> 00:12:40.041
And they were like,
00:12:40.041 --> 00:12:41.208
I saw that comic that you did,
00:12:41.208 --> 00:12:42.125
and I was hoping, like,
00:12:42.125 --> 00:12:43.541
maybe you could help me cover this up.
00:12:43.541 --> 00:12:45.208
And then I got really emotional.
00:12:45.208 --> 00:12:46.916
I'm like oh my god, of course! yeah,
00:12:49.125 --> 00:12:51.416
people self-harm themselves all the time.
00:12:51.416 --> 00:12:53.458
I mean, especially like,
00:12:53.458 --> 00:12:55.875
you know, with drinking and
00:12:55.875 --> 00:12:57.708
drugs, and addiction or whatever,
00:12:57.708 --> 00:12:59.250
but it's just like there's so many ways
00:12:59.250 --> 00:13:00.625
that we're, like, hurting ourselves.
00:13:00.625 --> 00:13:01.083
And
00:13:03.625 --> 00:13:05.208
I feel like
00:13:05.208 --> 00:13:07.791
we all kind of, like, need help equally,
00:13:07.791 --> 00:13:10.958
but given to us in different ways.
00:13:14.083 --> 00:13:14.916
Maybe talking about
00:13:14.916 --> 00:13:16.000
it is what I should have done
00:13:16.000 --> 00:13:18.000
from the get-go.
00:13:18.000 --> 00:13:18.916
You know, maybe that's
00:13:18.916 --> 00:13:20.666
what would have stopped
00:13:20.666 --> 00:13:24.250
it much earlier in my life than it did.
00:13:25.208 --> 00:13:26.291
So I'm just.
00:13:27.208 --> 00:13:28.916
Open about it now.
00:13:31.458 --> 00:13:32.875
I don't like to offer advice
00:13:32.875 --> 00:13:35.250
that someone doesn't ask for,
00:13:35.250 --> 00:13:36.458
but like to like,
00:13:36.458 --> 00:13:39.041
definitely say that like
00:13:39.708 --> 00:13:41.666
I always like
00:13:41.666 --> 00:13:43.416
want to open up myself
00:13:43.416 --> 00:13:44.916
to have those types of conversations
00:13:44.916 --> 00:13:46.291
with folks.
00:13:47.458 --> 00:13:49.958
We all kind of need help equally,
00:13:49.958 --> 00:13:51.541
but given to us in different ways.