WEBVTT

00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:08.000
[sil.]

00:00:15.000 --> 00:00:19.999
How could I couldn\'t just have a baby
and cruise right through it like the

00:00:20.000 --> 00:00:24.999
rest of the world seems to?

00:00:25.000 --> 00:00:29.999
I was taking everything ot the
extreme when I felt like I was going

00:00:30.000 --> 00:00:34.999
nuts inside.

00:00:35.000 --> 00:00:43.000
[music]

00:00:45.000 --> 00:00:49.999
We knew we were having a girl and we

00:00:50.000 --> 00:00:54.999
named her Lauren, when I was may be
five months long and then Larry, my

00:00:55.000 --> 00:00:59.999
husband created this nickname, Lulu. I just thought
that it was so cute so we called her Lulu the

00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:04.999
whole time I was pregnant.
Pregnancy for me was really

00:01:05.000 --> 00:01:09.999
something I know, I always plan to do. I spent
every day just dreaming of meeting my baby.

00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:14.999
It was around three months postpartum

00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:19.999
and, ah, hosted, my side of
the family at the house.

00:01:20.000 --> 00:01:24.999
After that they left my
husband and I, threw a little

00:01:25.000 --> 00:01:29.999
pink Floyd, gotten in our pajamas and we
were just like fiddling around the kitchen

00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:34.999
and out of nowhere I felt like a
freight train came through the house

00:01:35.000 --> 00:01:39.999
and knocked me down. It was, ah, it
was a severe symptom I can describe.

00:01:40.000 --> 00:01:44.999
I fell down on my knees and I felt like someone
was squeezing me, I couldn\'t breathe. And

00:01:45.000 --> 00:01:49.999
the pain in my chest was outrageous.
Larry saw me

00:01:50.000 --> 00:01:54.999
down on the ground and I just said to
him, \" Call 9-1-1.\" I had to Doppler

00:01:55.000 --> 00:01:59.999
echo cardiogram and all these different
test and everything came back

00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:04.999
100% perfect and normal. I felt that

00:02:05.000 --> 00:02:09.999
way five or six more times. When I
made an appointment with my O.B,

00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:14.999
she had me described the shortness of breath, chest
pain, symptoms, extreme dizziness, nausea and she said,

00:02:15.000 --> 00:02:19.999
\"You\'re suffering from postpartum depression
and for you it\'s manifesting itself and your

00:02:20.000 --> 00:02:24.999
symptoms are basically are panic/anxiety
attacks. That\'s what\'s going on.

00:02:25.000 --> 00:02:29.999
And it... it seems to all
makes sense at that point.

00:02:30.000 --> 00:02:34.999
[music] It took me, ah, awhile

00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:39.999
to even decide to have kids because the
thought of it was really scary to me.

00:02:40.000 --> 00:02:44.999
I always this notion of, \"Are you
worthy of being a good parent?\"

00:02:45.000 --> 00:02:49.999
I knew that I wanted to get my
degree, I knew I wanted to at

00:02:50.000 --> 00:02:54.999
least start my career. And I just
needed sometime to figure out who I

00:02:55.000 --> 00:02:59.999
was and where I was going.
Some of my family members

00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:04.999
may comment when they first find out that I was pregnant.
It\'s like, \"Oh my God! We thought you were, uhm,

00:03:05.000 --> 00:03:09.999
sterile\" It\'s like, \"Why? Because I
didn\'t wanna give birth at 12?\" But,

00:03:10.000 --> 00:03:14.999
ah, I got a lot of support and things were,
they went well. I mean everybody was

00:03:15.000 --> 00:03:19.999
really excited and couldn\'t
believe that I was having a baby.

00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:24.999
The signs that they tell you,
they could be just general

00:03:25.000 --> 00:03:29.999
mood issues, that one, it didn\'t leave
and I kept feeling like, \"Oh my

00:03:30.000 --> 00:03:34.999
God. I\'m feeling like a prisoner, I\'m feeling
like I\'m trapped.\" I don\'t forget to go to the

00:03:35.000 --> 00:03:39.999
restroom. I mean, this are adorable
things that most new moms probably go

00:03:40.000 --> 00:03:44.999
through but it... that stuff
started to build up for me.

00:03:45.000 --> 00:03:49.999
I was constantly up watching him and I got
to a point to where that\'s exactly what

00:03:50.000 --> 00:03:54.999
I was doing. I was just literally sit...
Sitting him to couch, just holding him.

00:03:55.000 --> 00:03:59.999
So Carol came to the

00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:04.999
restaurant, she met me and she
ate then, she loved the food.

00:04:05.000 --> 00:04:09.999
She start working there and

00:04:10.000 --> 00:04:14.999
one thing lead to another and
a year later we\'re married.

00:04:15.000 --> 00:04:19.999
We see she was gonna having, and
that\'s her birth. The thought we had

00:04:20.000 --> 00:04:24.999
everything under control at their lives,
ah, as we were all excited to touch

00:04:25.000 --> 00:04:29.999
his head, it wasn\'t his head, it
was his butt. So we had to have an

00:04:30.000 --> 00:04:34.999
emergency transfer from the
birth center to the hospital.

00:04:35.000 --> 00:04:39.999
You know, they wanted to have
take on decision on which the

00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:44.999
baby should be delivered. Carol she just
gave a really big push and just like,

00:04:45.000 --> 00:04:49.999
she pushed him out with
his legs behind his ears.

00:04:50.000 --> 00:04:54.999
The fact that she really had a very
challenging birth, really make

00:04:55.000 --> 00:04:59.999
things a little bit difficult on
recovering for her as we find out with the

00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:04.999
weeks to come. Everything

00:05:05.000 --> 00:05:09.999
start like elevating a wrong Christmas and
over three months after Alexander\'s birth.

00:05:10.000 --> 00:05:14.999
It was a hard time since it was
Christmas and we, were busy and

00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:19.999
so we really didn\'t think it was hard
to do anything with her at that time.

00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:24.999
In the fifth of January, she did not
sleep and she was staring at the ceiling

00:05:25.000 --> 00:05:29.999
and then in the morning when it was time
for Alexander to get fed, I put her right

00:05:30.000 --> 00:05:34.999
next to her to get fed and,
ah, she did not embraced him

00:05:35.000 --> 00:05:39.999
to bring him close to her chest to get fed,

00:05:40.000 --> 00:05:44.999
ah, so that was the point for me
that said, if she doesn\'t have...

00:05:45.000 --> 00:05:49.999
If she doesn\'t really care for him, been there
or not. Then I just kinds knew that... I knew

00:05:50.000 --> 00:05:54.999
that we\'re in trouble.

00:05:55.000 --> 00:05:59.999
I called my doctor and I was
just like, something is wrong. I

00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:04.999
can\'t get out of bed. The only thing I\'m
doing is barely just getting by with

00:06:05.000 --> 00:06:09.999
taking care of him. I was
pretty much being held hostage,

00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:14.999
you know, by my obsessive,
compulsiveness to, to monitor him.

00:06:15.000 --> 00:06:19.999
[music]

00:06:20.000 --> 00:06:24.999
I remember being in the shower one day and
thinking about who would miss me when I was

00:06:25.000 --> 00:06:29.999
gone. You know, and like, who would plan my
funeral? Where they would put me, you know,

00:06:30.000 --> 00:06:34.999
I hadn\'t... I don\'t have... I haven\'t designated
if I wanted to be cremated or buried or you know,

00:06:35.000 --> 00:06:39.999
how Lauren would get by without me. And like all
this really morbid, really morbid thoughts,

00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:44.999
not violent acts, like I wanted to hurt somebody.
Not that kind of morbid, but the morbid

00:06:45.000 --> 00:06:49.999
that, uhm, kind of pulls
out your heart strings.

00:06:50.000 --> 00:06:54.999
Lot of people say they never even
knew I had any issues because

00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:59.999
from the outside I just looked like me.

00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:04.999
To every professional that we
would see they always gave us

00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:09.999
optimistic response that
everything is fine. We

00:07:10.000 --> 00:07:14.999
afraid of taking closure addition to
the written teat that she took the day

00:07:15.000 --> 00:07:19.999
before she died. It\'s all have been very easily
at determining that she was in psychosis

00:07:20.000 --> 00:07:24.999
upon because he was for places that she
said that she doesn\'t wanna be here. Ah,

00:07:25.000 --> 00:07:29.999
she wants to kill herself and
she wants to kill the baby.

00:07:30.000 --> 00:07:38.000
[sil.] Daddy. One forty. Oh.

00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:44.999
Monday. All of the sudden
I was totally alone.

00:07:45.000 --> 00:07:49.999
I will be outside the fused door and
I wil be on my own kind of morning,

00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:54.999
kind of having a hard time. Be totally

00:07:55.000 --> 00:07:59.999
lost and I opened the door and I
go in and I will become completely

00:08:00.000 --> 00:08:04.999
different person. And I will be the
father that I needed to be with him

00:08:05.000 --> 00:08:09.999
without, without having
anything missing of me.

00:08:10.000 --> 00:08:14.999
[sil.] It was really hard and

00:08:15.000 --> 00:08:19.999
embarrassing for me to even seek out help
because in the Black community, it\'s a kind of

00:08:20.000 --> 00:08:24.999
like, ah, sense of shame of you seek
out therapy. You, you just don\'t

00:08:25.000 --> 00:08:29.999
do that. You take it to the church
and sometimes that\'s not all

00:08:30.000 --> 00:08:34.999
there is to it. I didn\'t share with

00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:39.999
a lot of family members what I was going
through. You know, it\'s just the crying

00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:44.999
spells and one minute you\'re fine and the
next minute I felt like, uhm, Doctor

00:08:45.000 --> 00:08:49.999
Jekyll, Mister Hyde, and you know, my husband
van look at me and say, \"How was your day?\" And

00:08:50.000 --> 00:08:54.999
it\'s like, my head is spinning around and
you\'re like the devil or something, cuz it\'s

00:08:55.000 --> 00:08:59.999
my, my day was horrible. I, I didn\'t have a
day, I\'m just sitting here with my baby, just

00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:04.999
trying to make sure that I\'m meeting the minimum
requirement of his care. You wanna be honest and you

00:09:05.000 --> 00:09:09.999
wanna tell people how you\'re really feeling but
it\'s just not that acceptable to, you know,

00:09:10.000 --> 00:09:14.999
obviously dump all your feelings on people when
they\'re just asking how you are doing. I do not

00:09:15.000 --> 00:09:19.999
feel love, I do not feel hate. I didn\'t
fell anger, I didn\'t feel, ah, we were,

00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:24.999
you know, trying to act like we were this normal family. You
know, just so that the kids weren\'t completely seeing everything

00:09:25.000 --> 00:09:29.999
that\'s going on. And, uhm, I was holding my Sensiana and were
walking across the street and I remember looking down in his little

00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:34.999
hand in mine and it just made me so sad
cuz I did not feel any, I could have been

00:09:35.000 --> 00:09:39.999
holding a bottle of water.
It was... there is nothing of

00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:44.999
any kind of emotion in that and that
was so sad for me that you know,

00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:49.999
that everything in me. I felt like
I had died inside. Not all woman

00:09:50.000 --> 00:09:54.999
need an antidepressant to, to recover.
Even with all the reading that I had done.

00:09:55.000 --> 00:09:59.999
I still couldn\'t figure out how
to apply it. She gave me some new

00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:04.999
tools on how to deal with this.
So how frequently does your baby

00:10:05.000 --> 00:10:09.999
eat? About a - That every two and a half hours.
- that would be perfect. So right before, or

00:10:10.000 --> 00:10:14.999
during or right after your baby eats, your baby
can be your timer. Just, just stick some protein

00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:19.999
in your mouth. I didn\'t really
see myself, as someone who is,

00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:24.999
I don\'t know, that needed medication to get
through the day. You know, it was, it was a

00:10:25.000 --> 00:10:29.999
kind of taboo in our culture
that you rely on these pills to

00:10:30.000 --> 00:10:34.999
help you cope. You know, which thank God they
made those pills cuz they helped me cope.

00:10:35.000 --> 00:10:39.999
It\'s my O.B. prescribed
an antidepressant and

00:10:40.000 --> 00:10:44.999
thought that it would be the proper treatment
in addition to counseling. It took about

00:10:45.000 --> 00:10:49.999
two weeks to get up to therapeutic bubble
and at that point I was simply free.

00:10:50.000 --> 00:10:54.999
How about my valving(ph) bell?
Is it the belly?

00:10:55.000 --> 00:10:59.999
How about your ears? Let\'s do your ears?
Yes. Let\'s do your ears. We

00:11:00.000 --> 00:11:04.999
went back to Greece for two, three months thinking
that we might wanna go back to Greece, but I felt like

00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:09.999
I had an unfinished business. I want my hat.
Hold your hair. I really need to find out

00:11:10.000 --> 00:11:14.999
more and more about what happened to
Carol and what can we do to help others.

00:11:15.000 --> 00:11:19.999
[sil.]

00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:24.999
We opened a restaurant that\'s
see kid friendly, it\'s a great

00:11:25.000 --> 00:11:29.999
need for our society now for
parents and kids to be together.

00:11:30.000 --> 00:11:34.999
The neighborhood and, ah, it\'s
received us in a very graceful kind of

00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:39.999
way. We\'re having a great place to go on.

00:11:40.000 --> 00:11:44.999
[sil.]

00:11:45.000 --> 00:11:49.999
[sil.] When

00:11:50.000 --> 00:11:54.999
Larry and I decided to have a second
child, I lasted like four months without

00:11:55.000 --> 00:11:59.999
medication and then I had to go back on it.
In fact it almost kept me from

00:12:00.000 --> 00:12:04.999
having a third child.

00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:09.999
We just made the commitment that we had
dealt with it ones, we dealt with it twice,

00:12:10.000 --> 00:12:14.999
we can deal with it at
third time if we had to.

00:12:15.000 --> 00:12:19.999
[sil.] What does

00:12:20.000 --> 00:12:24.999
PPD look like? Postpartum
depression can affect to

00:12:25.000 --> 00:12:29.999
anybody. It\'s not a race based, ah,
disease. It\'s not... or something

00:12:30.000 --> 00:12:34.999
that affects only economically challenged
woman, it doesn\'t discriminate.

00:12:35.000 --> 00:12:43.000
[music]

00:13:25.000 --> 00:13:30.000
[sil.]