Ethics Thru Drama
- Description
- Reviews
- Citation
- Cataloging
- Transcript
Every day in the life of a terminally-ill patient presents a host of complex decisions for patients, families, and members of the healthcare team. As medical science and technology continue to evolve, discussions of the ethical aspects of end-of-life care become both more critical and more difficult. Learning to facilitate and participate in these processes is essential for all healthcare providers.
Helen Emmott and Julie Russell are both experienced registered nurses as well as bioethics educators. They have created a powerful series of short, one-character dramas, performed by Russell, which offer nurses, physicians, social workers and other members of the healthcare team invaluable case material for use in thinking about these issues. The cases portrayed in these poignant monologues are similar to those faced by patients, families and healthcare providers every day, in a wide variety of care facilities. They will stimulate hours of ethical discussion. Produced with support from ELNEC, the End of Life Nursing Education Consortium.
Tricia's Story: I'm Not Earth Anymore Tricia, a breast cancer patient and mother of three, confronts difficult moral and spiritual issues as she comes to grips with the fact that her illness is terminal. 18 Minutes
Sheila's Story: A Song Outta Tune Homeless, poor, and HIV positive, Sheila lacks all the social supports, including health insurance, that might help her confront a terminal illness with some kind of dignity. 19 Minutes
Claire's Story: Ethical Issues at the End of Life Claire is a registered nurse but, she says, 'I've learned some things since I was the patient.' When the physician gave her the diagnosis of ovarian cancer, she understood the words, 'but I couldn't hear anything he was saying.' 17 Minutes
Helen Emmott, RN, is a nurse ethicist with experience in adult and pediatric intensive care. She is a program consultant for Midwest Bioethics Center, most recently as the project manager for Caring Conversations, an advance care planning program, and Cultural Diversity and End-of-Life Care. She has also consulted with the Tuskegee National Center for Bioethics, AARP, and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, has served on ethics committees for a number of institutions and localities, and offers presentations on bioethics throughout the United States.
Julie Russell, RN, MA, identifies herself as a 'nurse dramatist'. Drawing on her experiences as a registered nurse practicing in a variety of health care settings, Julie researches, writes and performs dramatic monologues and short plays on caregiving and bioethical issues. She has developed more than fifty characters of various ages and socio-cultural backgrounds, and has performed these in thirty-six states and the District of Columbia. Her dramatizations are unique teaching vehicles, putting a human face on important issues and stimulating ethical discussions.
DVD version has both closed-captions and audio description.
'We teach and learn what it means to be healthcare professionals through cases, the sharing of clinical narratives or stories. The most powerful way of teaching and learning illness narratives is through drama, through actual performances of patients' stories.' - William G. Bartholome, pediatrician and bioethicist
'The tapes and acting are magnificent, and the student response was wonderful!' - Dr. Lynda Shand, School of Nursing, College of New Rochelle
'Unforgettable! Russell's performance is inspiring, touching, and thought-provoking. The characterizations hit audience members right between the eyes.' - Beth Ingram, Vice President, Arkansas Hospital Association
Citation
Main credits
Russell, Julie (film producer)
Russell, Julie (screenwriter)
Russell, Julie (performer)
Emmott, Helen (film producer)
Haskins, Helena Elizabeth Maria (film producer)
Haskins, Helena Elizabeth Maria (film director)
Distributor subjects
Bioethics; Captioned Films; Death and Dying; Ethical Dilemmas; Ethics; Fanlight Collection; Healthcare; Issues and Ethics; NursingKeywords
WEBVTT
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[sil.]
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[music] Yeah. Yeah. I\'ll just
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fill out the forms and then the doctor
will meet me here. OK. Yeah. I understand.
00:00:40.000 --> 00:00:48.000
[sil.]
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New patient forms. Lovely.
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Name.
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Tricia Carson.
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You know, I wouldn\'t be doing
this if David\'s insurance
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hadn\'t changed. It\'s a hassle.
00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:19.999
This paperwork just undoes me. It\'s an
00:01:20.000 --> 00:01:24.999
enormous effort. Papers come
in the mail, bills, notices,
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enrollment forms. Sometimes
I just set them aside.
00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:34.999
I don\'t even open the envelope.
00:01:35.000 --> 00:01:39.999
I put them in a bowl on the
counter top in the kitchen,
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along with my son\'s school
papers and coupons I
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clip from the newspaper
and never use. It\'s,
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it\'s the repetition, the dates,
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the phone numbers and policy
numbers and group numbers,
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the chronology of events.
00:02:05.000 --> 00:02:09.999
This, this just isn\'t my thing.
It, it offends me.
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This paperwork offends me.
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I know, I know that\'s silly.
Nobody means anything by forms -
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everybody\'s just doing their business.
It\'s a necessary evil.
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[sil.] Like chemotherapy.
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Like radiation.
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Like drinking Ensure.
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Like answering the phone.
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Like getting out of bed.
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I see many
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loathsome evil acts and few pleasures.
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All of the usual pleasures have been
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tainted by this blasted, damned
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cancer. [sil.]
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I\'m sorry. It\'s, it\'s
not a nice way to talk.
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[sil.]
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I don\'t know you. You don\'t know me. But
I\'m not trying to win any awards or
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to impress anyone. And I\'m
not trying to impress you.
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I\'m doing what I agreed to do.
I\'m allowing you
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to be here. You can watch.
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But I\'m not answering any questions.
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And, and I\'m not going to
pretty anything up for you.
00:03:55.000 --> 00:03:59.999
I do enough of that.
00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:04.999
We\'re never going to see each other
again, so today, what you see is what you
00:04:05.000 --> 00:04:09.999
get.
00:04:10.000 --> 00:04:14.999
Emergency contact. Well,
00:04:15.000 --> 00:04:19.999
who should I put down this time?
Who haven\'t I
00:04:20.000 --> 00:04:24.999
completely worn out? The troops are
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fatigued. Driving me to treatments,
watching the children,
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preparing meals, and then there\'s all that
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round-the-clock praying
for my body and soul.
00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:44.999
I think everyone\'s exhausted.
00:04:45.000 --> 00:04:49.999
Carmen Andrews.
00:04:50.000 --> 00:04:54.999
4755
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Tomahawk Drive.
00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:04.999
2625655. That\'s enough.
00:05:05.000 --> 00:05:09.999
So how much do you know?
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I have cancer. Breast
00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:19.999
cancer. I had
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surgery last year, followed by
chemotherapy and radiation,
00:05:25.000 --> 00:05:29.999
and then reconstructive surgery
00:05:30.000 --> 00:05:34.999
in November. My husband
00:05:35.000 --> 00:05:39.999
is David. We\'ve been married for 17 years.
We have three
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children - 14, 12 and 8.
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I used to practice law.
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My husband still does. And we have
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a dog. He\'s actually my
favorite person right
00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:04.999
now because he doesn\'t talk much. And
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everything he wants is easy. Feed me.
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Take me for a walk. Throw me my squeaky
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toy. Scratch my butt.
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Everyone else is more complicated.
00:06:25.000 --> 00:06:29.999
And their needs are more complex.
00:06:30.000 --> 00:06:34.999
This is the first time I\'ve
been to see this doctor.
00:06:35.000 --> 00:06:39.999
David\'s firm switched health
plans the first of the year,
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so I had to find a new doctor.
She\'s supposed to be good.
00:06:45.000 --> 00:06:49.999
We\'ll see. I\'ve seen a lot of
doctors in the last two years.
00:06:50.000 --> 00:06:54.999
I\'m something of a connoisseur.
00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:59.999
I prefer the ones that explain things.
00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:04.999
I like a lot of information, but if
I have to ask for it or request a
00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:09.999
translation, then I start to feel anxious.
00:07:10.000 --> 00:07:14.999
I start to feel like maybe they\'ll
be impatient. That they will,
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um, find that I\'m just a pest.
00:07:20.000 --> 00:07:24.999
That that\'ll jinx things for me.
That I\'m just so annoying that
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they\'ll let me die. People like me
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better when I\'m quiet.
00:07:35.000 --> 00:07:39.999
I\'m thin.
00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:44.999
Too thin. 106
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pounds this morning. I eat.
00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:54.999
And I drink Ensure and I drink
those banana milkshakes
00:07:55.000 --> 00:07:59.999
that Andrew and David make for me.
00:08:00.000 --> 00:08:04.999
It\'s really quite a production. They mix
up the milkshake and then they, they
00:08:05.000 --> 00:08:09.999
bring it in on a tray with a cloth napkin
00:08:10.000 --> 00:08:14.999
and two straws. My son is really
crazy about straws and, and
00:08:15.000 --> 00:08:19.999
then, oh there\'ll be a flower, or a little
00:08:20.000 --> 00:08:24.999
Pokemon creature or some other
gadget just to brighten the tray.
00:08:25.000 --> 00:08:29.999
And Andrew will bring it in
00:08:30.000 --> 00:08:34.999
and he\'ll sing. He will sing as though
00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:39.999
he were approaching royalty. Da-da-da-da.
00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:48.000
[sil.] And I try to suck it down.
00:08:50.000 --> 00:08:58.000
[sil.] And my back hurts.
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My back just - right
here - really kills me.
00:09:05.000 --> 00:09:09.999
It\'s not too bad right now, but
you know, the day\'s early.
00:09:10.000 --> 00:09:14.999
I think it\'s because
I\'ve been sleeping on my
00:09:15.000 --> 00:09:19.999
stomach. You know, just
sleeping right on my face.
00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:24.999
I haven\'t done that since I was a child.
Sleep right on
00:09:25.000 --> 00:09:29.999
my face. So it makes my back
00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:34.999
hurt. Of course,
00:09:35.000 --> 00:09:39.999
it could be a
00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:44.999
recurrence. And then what will I do?
00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:53.000
[sil.] My husband David will
want me to keep fighting.
00:09:55.000 --> 00:09:59.999
Before I got my remission, he was
all over the internet, you know,
00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:04.999
checking out experimental programs
all across the country. Johns
00:10:05.000 --> 00:10:09.999
Hopkins, Baylor, Mount Sinai.
00:10:10.000 --> 00:10:14.999
I don\'t want to do that.
00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:19.999
So, so what do you think?
00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:24.999
Is it my moral obligation to keep trying?
00:10:25.000 --> 00:10:29.999
Why?
00:10:30.000 --> 00:10:34.999
Because I\'m a mother?
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Because I\'m young? Because
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we have money and insurance?
00:10:45.000 --> 00:10:49.999
What about people who,
who don\'t have money or
00:10:50.000 --> 00:10:54.999
insurance? There are plenty of people
who don\'t have any money or insurance.
00:10:55.000 --> 00:10:59.999
Now, do they have the same moral
obligation to keep searching
00:11:00.000 --> 00:11:04.999
for cures all over the country?
00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:09.999
People die every day.
00:11:10.000 --> 00:11:14.999
I just don\'t operate under the delusion
00:11:15.000 --> 00:11:19.999
that I\'m all that special.
00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:24.999
People keep telling
00:11:25.000 --> 00:11:29.999
me that they, that they know
God is going to heal me.
00:11:30.000 --> 00:11:34.999
That they are quite certain God is going to
00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:39.999
heal me. What am I supposed to say?
00:11:40.000 --> 00:11:44.999
How do I respond to
00:11:45.000 --> 00:11:49.999
that? Thank you?
00:11:50.000 --> 00:11:54.999
I wish I had your confidence?
00:11:55.000 --> 00:11:59.999
[sil.]
00:12:00.000 --> 00:12:04.999
I\'ve been a Sunday school teacher
since Trina was five. She\'s, she\'s
00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:09.999
12 now so, that\'s a long time.
Mostly I taught the junior class -
00:12:10.000 --> 00:12:14.999
fourth and fifth graders. I know
a lot of Bible stories, okay?
00:12:15.000 --> 00:12:19.999
I know a lot of stories about healing.
00:12:20.000 --> 00:12:24.999
There\'s the one about the woman.
00:12:25.000 --> 00:12:29.999
The woman. She\'s been
hemorrhaging for 12 years and
00:12:30.000 --> 00:12:34.999
she goes and she, she
touches Jesus\' cloak and
00:12:35.000 --> 00:12:39.999
she is healed. And then there\'s
00:12:40.000 --> 00:12:44.999
the one about the guy who\'s been,
uh, laying by the pool for
00:12:45.000 --> 00:12:49.999
38 years and Jesus comes
up to him and he says,
00:12:50.000 --> 00:12:54.999
do you want to be made well? And the
00:12:55.000 --> 00:12:59.999
man says, well, you know I don\'t have anybody,
uh, to set me down in the pool when the water\'s
00:13:00.000 --> 00:13:04.999
stirred up. And Jesus
says, pick up your mat,
00:13:05.000 --> 00:13:09.999
walk. Bingo.
00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:14.999
But I got to tell you, my very favorite is,
00:13:15.000 --> 00:13:19.999
is the one about the little girl,
the little girl, uh, she\'s
00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:24.999
very, very sick and her father
goes to find Jesus so that Jesus
00:13:25.000 --> 00:13:29.999
can come back and help her.
And, then the word comes
00:13:30.000 --> 00:13:34.999
that she\'s already died and,
and Jesus says, well, he\'ll
00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:39.999
come on anyway. And they
get there to the house and
00:13:40.000 --> 00:13:44.999
everybody\'s crying and,
um, Jesus says, don\'t
00:13:45.000 --> 00:13:49.999
cry, she\'s only sleeping.
00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:54.999
And there you go.
00:13:55.000 --> 00:13:59.999
These stories, they kind of drive me
00:14:00.000 --> 00:14:04.999
crazy in their simplicity.
00:14:05.000 --> 00:14:09.999
It\'s baffling.
00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:14.999
There is, there is nothing simple
00:14:15.000 --> 00:14:19.999
about what I\'ve been going through.
00:14:20.000 --> 00:14:24.999
People die every day.
00:14:25.000 --> 00:14:29.999
Good people. Faithful people.
00:14:30.000 --> 00:14:34.999
If they die, what\'s to keep me from dying?
Why should I
00:14:35.000 --> 00:14:39.999
even ask for healing?
00:14:40.000 --> 00:14:48.000
[sil.] I don\'t want to die.
00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:54.999
But I believe I will.
00:14:55.000 --> 00:14:59.999
And every thing from here
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:04.999
to there is overwhelming me.
00:15:05.000 --> 00:15:09.999
I don\'t know how to talk to my children,
00:15:10.000 --> 00:15:14.999
or my husband or my parents,
00:15:15.000 --> 00:15:19.999
or my friends. They all
want my feet planted
00:15:20.000 --> 00:15:24.999
solidly on the ground. But
I\'m not earth anymore.
00:15:25.000 --> 00:15:29.999
I\'m air.
00:15:30.000 --> 00:15:34.999
Oh God.
00:15:35.000 --> 00:15:39.999
I\'m sorry. That\'s stupid.
00:15:40.000 --> 00:15:44.999
Stupid.
00:15:45.000 --> 00:15:49.999
I used to fly. I used to
fly a lot with my job,
00:15:50.000 --> 00:15:54.999
you know, I had to travel. Go on airplanes.
And I don\'t like flying.
00:15:55.000 --> 00:15:59.999
It scares me. And so what I would do,
00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:04.999
I would get on the plane and
I would find my seat and
00:16:05.000 --> 00:16:09.999
I\'d get all buckled in
and then I would start
00:16:10.000 --> 00:16:14.999
looking around the cabin until I
00:16:15.000 --> 00:16:19.999
spotted someone who would
definitely not die
00:16:20.000 --> 00:16:24.999
in an airplane crash. And then I felt
00:16:25.000 --> 00:16:29.999
better. See, I\'m
00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:34.999
someone who could die tragically
in an airplane accident.
00:16:35.000 --> 00:16:39.999
But I\'m definitely not
someone who dies before
00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:44.999
her children are out of school.
00:16:45.000 --> 00:16:49.999
I\'m someone who grows old
and, and wears her hair up
00:16:50.000 --> 00:16:54.999
in a French twist.
00:16:55.000 --> 00:16:59.999
Shit. I don\'t want any more treatment.
00:17:00.000 --> 00:17:04.999
How long is this going to go on?
00:17:05.000 --> 00:17:09.999
Oh!
00:17:10.000 --> 00:17:18.000
[music]
00:17:35.000 --> 00:17:43.000
[sil.]
00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:58.000
[music]
00:18:15.000 --> 00:18:19.999
Hey.
00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:24.999
So, y\'all is healthcare people?
Doctors and nurses
00:18:25.000 --> 00:18:29.999
and social work and stuff?
00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:34.999
Isn\'t that special?
00:18:35.000 --> 00:18:39.999
I\'m not a doctor. I got to
00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:44.999
be a pretty popular speaker though.
This will
00:18:45.000 --> 00:18:49.999
probably be my last speech.
00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:54.999
I was going to be a nurse. I was.
Yeah. I took care of my
00:18:55.000 --> 00:18:59.999
granny. I took care of my granny
when she was sick and dying.
00:19:00.000 --> 00:19:04.999
When she was sick and dying with cancer.
00:19:05.000 --> 00:19:09.999
That\'s what we said. We said, Granny\'s got
00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:14.999
cancer. She had some big
00:19:15.000 --> 00:19:19.999
old tumor in her belly and for some reason
00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:24.999
they couldn\'t do surgery. So
she just got really pale and
00:19:25.000 --> 00:19:29.999
gray skinned and skinny and
then her belly all swolled up.
00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:34.999
She looked like a bird. Yeah!
00:19:35.000 --> 00:19:39.999
She looked like a little plucked
chicken with that great big swolled
00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:44.999
belly and then them little
skinny arms, little skinny legs.
00:19:45.000 --> 00:19:49.999
I used to take her in to town.
00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:54.999
Yeah. For the, for the
prayer healing services.
00:19:55.000 --> 00:19:59.999
We just sat at the back and,
and I would say to her,
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.999
I\'d say, Granny if you want, I\'ll help you down
front there and the preacher can put his hands on
00:20:05.000 --> 00:20:09.999
you. But she\'d say, oh no
00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:14.999
Sheila, we\'re just here
for the hymn singing.
00:20:15.000 --> 00:20:19.999
That\'s what she said. But
you know what I think.
00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:24.999
I think my Granny knew them people
didn\'t want to put their hands on her
00:20:25.000 --> 00:20:29.999
because she had cancer.
00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:34.999
So we just sang some hymns.
00:20:35.000 --> 00:20:39.999
[music] Softly and tenderly
00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:44.999
Jesus is calling.
00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:49.999
Blessed assurance Jesus is
00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:54.999
mine.
00:20:55.000 --> 00:20:59.999
It was a small town. They didn\'t know
00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:04.999
shit. She was in a lot of pain, but
00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:09.999
they didn\'t want to give her nothing for it because
they was afraid she\'d become a dope addict.
00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:14.999
Finally, she went to the hospital
and you\'d step off of the elevator
00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:19.999
and you could hear her screaming.
She weren\'t singing
00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:24.999
no hymns. It was a nightmare.
00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:29.999
And then she died.
00:21:30.000 --> 00:21:34.999
Here\'s the song. Now,
you\'ll know this song.
00:21:35.000 --> 00:21:39.999
I bet I sang this a zillion times.
00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:44.999
[music] There is a balm in Gilead
00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:49.999
to make the wounded whole.
00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:54.999
There is a balm in Gilead to heal the
00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:59.999
sin-sick soul. You know that song?
00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:04.999
Do you know that one? I
got a question for you.
00:22:05.000 --> 00:22:09.999
I want to know where is Gilead, huh?
00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:14.999
I mean where the hell is Gilead?
Because I need
00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:19.999
to know. Because I\'ve got a sin-sick soul.
00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:24.999
Did they tell you what\'s wrong with me?
00:22:25.000 --> 00:22:29.999
Got AIDS.
00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:34.999
Yep. Got AIDS.
00:22:35.000 --> 00:22:39.999
I just got out of the hospital. I had,
00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:44.999
uh, pneumocystis. It\'s kind of cancer.
00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:49.999
See, when you got that AIDS, it
messes with your immune system.
00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:54.999
And you get, uh, cancer and
other kind of sicknesses.
00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:59.999
Course, cancer, it kind
of runs in my family.
00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:04.999
I almost died. I will die.
00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:09.999
It\'s no fun to be
00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:14.999
dying. You know, at first I
thought things was kind of
00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:19.999
rough for me, on account of I
have an alternative lifestyle.
00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:24.999
I don\'t have no home. No
00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:29.999
address. No way to get anywhere. No
00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:34.999
insurance. But you know what? Since I been
00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:39.999
going to the hospital and the clinic and,
and sitting around with other folks,
00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:44.999
you know the ones I feel really sorry for?
It\'s the nice people.
00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:49.999
Like you all. Yeah.
00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:54.999
They all are wondering, is this worth it
00:23:55.000 --> 00:23:59.999
or is this a waste of my time? But
they all think they got to fight it
00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:04.999
like, like it\'s some kind of
immoral to just say, well shoot,
00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:09.999
it\'s a nice day outside, I
believe I will got to the park.
00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:14.999
Or hey, I\'m feeling pretty good today, I
00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:19.999
think I will go and see my friend.
00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:24.999
That\'s what I do. This one lady.
00:24:25.000 --> 00:24:29.999
I heard this one lady over at the clinic, she was
talking to this other woman, she had breast cancer,
00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:34.999
and she\'s telling her, she said,
when I first got the diagnosis,
00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:39.999
first thing I thought of was, oh good, now
00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:44.999
I don\'t have to do anything.
00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:49.999
Some people\'s working awful hard.
Dying\'s like taking a
00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:54.999
vacation. Only thing is,
it\'s the last vacation.
00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:59.999
[sil.]
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.999
Myself, I just do what I feel like.
00:25:05.000 --> 00:25:09.999
I mean, if the guy\'s real nice and he, uh,
00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:14.999
gives me a free prescription and he says, now
Sheila, I want you to take it like it says here on
00:25:15.000 --> 00:25:19.999
the bottle. This will help you and
then I would like to see you back
00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:24.999
here next Wednesday
afternoon, maybe you can tell
00:25:25.000 --> 00:25:29.999
another one of your jokes.
See I tell jokes.
00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:34.999
Sort of, it\'s like my hobby.
I collect them.
00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:39.999
So, if the guy\'s nice like that, well, you
know, I might just take that medicine.
00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:44.999
I might just come back
next Wednesday afternoon.
00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:49.999
But if the guy\'s a prick and
he just shoves it at me
00:25:50.000 --> 00:25:54.999
and he don\'t even look me
in the eye, I skip it.
00:25:55.000 --> 00:25:59.999
I think to myself, God loves
00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:04.999
a cheerful giver. That\'s
what my Granny said.
00:26:05.000 --> 00:26:09.999
She said, God loves a cheerful giver,
00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:14.999
so I\'m thinking, maybe
00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:19.999
this guy don\'t know what\'s good for me.
00:26:20.000 --> 00:26:24.999
Maybe God\'s not too happy with him.
Because he ain\'t cheerful.
00:26:25.000 --> 00:26:29.999
So I just skip it.
00:26:30.000 --> 00:26:34.999
Course nobody\'s really after me to
come get me some more health care.
00:26:35.000 --> 00:26:39.999
God loves me. I know God
00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:44.999
loves me. You probably
wonder how I can be so
00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:49.999
sure. Well, it\'s
00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:54.999
something you learn. It\'s something
you learn on the street.
00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:59.999
It\'s something you learn when,
00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:04.999
when you don\'t got nothing.
And somebody comes up right
00:27:05.000 --> 00:27:09.999
out of the blue and gives you a blanket.
00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:14.999
Or, or when for some reason
you really don\'t understand
00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:19.999
at all, you give your last half a sandwich
00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:24.999
to somebody else. And she
looks up at you, she says,
00:27:25.000 --> 00:27:29.999
well hey thanks girl - you\'re all right.
00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:34.999
And that\'s when you know. God lives.
00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:39.999
[sil.]
00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:44.999
My boyfriend, he was a
patient in the hospital.
00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:49.999
Renal failure. See they, they
00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:54.999
took out one of his kidneys and
then the other one went bad
00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:59.999
and they wanted him to have
that dialysis and he said
00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:04.999
no. Nick, he was not a
00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:09.999
machine kind of guy. He was
00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:14.999
more a bullet to the head kind of person.
See Nick was
00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:19.999
a, a Vietnam veteran.
He\'s an Army paratrooper.
00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:24.999
They offered him that dialysis and
00:28:25.000 --> 00:28:29.999
he just had to decline. Nick, he,
00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:34.999
uh, he got onto drugs,
00:28:35.000 --> 00:28:39.999
he spent some time in the penitentiary.
He was, he was,
00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:44.999
uh, he was a beautiful man. I mean
he was, he was very much what you
00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:49.999
would call sensitive. He
had some good sayings
00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:54.999
that he would say. Like,
like he would say to me,
00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:59.999
Sheila, I love the fuck out of you.
00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:08.000
[sil.] I liked it when he said that to me.
00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:14.999
And then, um, like if I would
cook him something that he really
00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:19.999
liked, he would say, Sheila,
00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:24.999
this tastes so good, make you slap your
00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:29.999
mama. Oh, Sheila, this tastes so good,
00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:34.999
make your tongue slap your
brains clean out of your
00:29:35.000 --> 00:29:39.999
head. But the best saying that
00:29:40.000 --> 00:29:44.999
he had was, Sheila,
00:29:45.000 --> 00:29:49.999
you got to celebrate yourself.
You got to celebrate who you
00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:54.999
are. He said, life is like being
00:29:55.000 --> 00:29:59.999
in the movies. And sometimes
your part is funny and sometimes
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.999
it\'s sad, but if you want
to get a good review,
00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:09.999
if you want a chance to play another part
sometime, well then you got to play your part.
00:30:10.000 --> 00:30:14.999
And nobody knows your part better than you.
00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:19.999
And Nick, he was a soldier.
00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:24.999
He was a soldier.
00:30:25.000 --> 00:30:29.999
So, he just had to decline
on that dialysis.
00:30:30.000 --> 00:30:34.999
We know this place out at the lake.
00:30:35.000 --> 00:30:39.999
We went out there. We just,
um, we just slept out under
00:30:40.000 --> 00:30:44.999
the open sky. Just to, just to
00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:49.999
be in nature. We listened to the birds.
00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:54.999
We talked some and we was quiet.
00:30:55.000 --> 00:30:59.999
And Nick, he\'d, he\'d fall to sleep and
00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:04.999
I\'d, I\'d be right there beside him.
Maybe he\'d have a
00:31:05.000 --> 00:31:09.999
nightmare and I would be
right there with him.
00:31:10.000 --> 00:31:14.999
And then he
00:31:15.000 --> 00:31:23.000
died. [sil.] And when he was gone, and
00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:29.999
only his body was left,
00:31:30.000 --> 00:31:34.999
then I screamed and cried until I
00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:39.999
didn\'t have any voice left at all.
00:31:40.000 --> 00:31:48.000
[sil.]
00:31:55.000 --> 00:31:59.999
I just don\'t think they would
have liked that at the hospital.
00:32:00.000 --> 00:32:04.999
So now I\'m sick and I\'m
00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:09.999
dying too and I keep asking myself to
00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:14.999
figure out who I am. I got
to celebrate myself, so
00:32:15.000 --> 00:32:19.999
I say Sheila, who are you?
And I think I got it figured
00:32:20.000 --> 00:32:24.999
out. I am a loud mouth.
00:32:25.000 --> 00:32:29.999
I always have been.
00:32:30.000 --> 00:32:34.999
I don\'t really want to
be any other way. I am a
00:32:35.000 --> 00:32:39.999
loudmouth. And something else,
00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:44.999
I\'m a care taker. I like to take care of
00:32:45.000 --> 00:32:49.999
folks. And since I been sick
and dying and everything, it\'s
00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:54.999
like this part of me has been accentuated.
00:32:55.000 --> 00:32:59.999
I see somebody and she\'s not doing very
good and I go up to her and I say,
00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:04.999
well, I\'m going to help you and she\'d say,
oh get away from me, I don\'t need your help.
00:33:05.000 --> 00:33:09.999
I don\'t need you. And I
say, well I need you.
00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:14.999
And I just press on and help her
00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:19.999
anyway. Like it was what I was meant to do.
00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:24.999
So, I\'m a, a loudmouth
00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:29.999
and a care taker and I\'m a singer.
00:33:30.000 --> 00:33:38.000
I don\'t sing good, but I like to sing.
00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:44.999
[music] What would you do
if I sang out of tune?
00:33:45.000 --> 00:33:49.999
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
00:33:50.000 --> 00:33:54.999
Lend me your ears and I\'ll sing you a
00:33:55.000 --> 00:33:59.999
song and I\'ll try not to sing out
00:34:00.000 --> 00:34:04.999
of key.
00:34:05.000 --> 00:34:09.999
[sil.]
00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:14.999
I keep telling myself,
you know, to just, um,
00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:19.999
to just celebrate myself.
See, that\'s what Nick done.
00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:24.999
Course, he had me there with him.
00:34:25.000 --> 00:34:29.999
To hold on to him and to never leave him.
00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:34.999
I don\'t suppose I have anybody
who\'d want to put their hands on
00:34:35.000 --> 00:34:39.999
me. Why would they?
00:34:40.000 --> 00:34:44.999
Got AIDS. So I think,
00:34:45.000 --> 00:34:49.999
maybe I\'ll be like my Granny.
00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:54.999
Sitting at the back. Nobody
wanting to put their hands on
00:34:55.000 --> 00:34:59.999
me either.
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.999
But I expect, I will be more like Nick.
00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:09.999
I will find a way to celebrate myself
00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:14.999
and it\'ll be alright.
00:35:15.000 --> 00:35:19.999
[music] I get by with a
little help from my friends.
00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:24.999
I get high
00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:29.999
with a little help from my friends.
00:35:30.000 --> 00:35:34.999
I get by
00:35:35.000 --> 00:35:39.999
with a little help from my friends.
00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:48.000
[sil.]
00:35:55.000 --> 00:36:03.000
[music]
00:36:30.000 --> 00:36:38.000
[music]
00:36:55.000 --> 00:36:59.999
My name is Claire.
00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:04.999
Claire Donner.
00:37:05.000 --> 00:37:09.999
I was born Claire Lacroix.
My grandparents were French
00:37:10.000 --> 00:37:14.999
immigrants. Lacroix. Do you speak French?
00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:19.999
It means
00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:24.999
the cross. I was
00:37:25.000 --> 00:37:29.999
a nurse here at this hospital
for almost two years.
00:37:30.000 --> 00:37:34.999
Before I got sick, I worked
00:37:35.000 --> 00:37:39.999
here. Perhaps some of
you will recognize me.
00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:44.999
But I\'ve, I\'ve changed a
lot since chemotherapy.
00:37:45.000 --> 00:37:49.999
I\'ve changed a lot since cancer.
00:37:50.000 --> 00:37:54.999
I\'ve learned
00:37:55.000 --> 00:37:59.999
some things since I\'ve been the patient.
00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:04.999
I remember, I\'d been
00:38:05.000 --> 00:38:09.999
having some pain, minor
00:38:10.000 --> 00:38:14.999
discomfort on the left
side of my lower abdomen.
00:38:15.000 --> 00:38:19.999
I keep a busy life
00:38:20.000 --> 00:38:24.999
and going to the doctor is something
I try to avoid. We haven\'t lived
00:38:25.000 --> 00:38:29.999
here very long and I didn\'t have my
own gynecologist, so I went to see
00:38:30.000 --> 00:38:34.999
Marcy\'s - another nurse from my unit.
00:38:35.000 --> 00:38:39.999
I remember that I didn\'t want to go.
00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:44.999
But I was scared.
00:38:45.000 --> 00:38:49.999
I just wanted to get it over with.
00:38:50.000 --> 00:38:54.999
My appointment was on a Monday.
00:38:55.000 --> 00:38:59.999
The receptionist had me
fill out new patient
00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:04.999
forms. And then the nurse
00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:09.999
came and called my name. She took my vital
00:39:10.000 --> 00:39:14.999
signs and weighed me. And then she
00:39:15.000 --> 00:39:19.999
looked down at the forms and
she asked me, she said,
00:39:20.000 --> 00:39:24.999
how long have you had pain on the
left side of your lower abdomen?
00:39:25.000 --> 00:39:29.999
I said, a few weeks.
00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:34.999
She said, a few weeks?
00:39:35.000 --> 00:39:39.999
[sil.]
00:39:40.000 --> 00:39:44.999
I felt like running away.
00:39:45.000 --> 00:39:49.999
I felt like she was accusing
00:39:50.000 --> 00:39:54.999
me of being irresponsible.
00:39:55.000 --> 00:39:59.999
[sil.]
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.999
I took off my clothes and put on a gown.
Paper covering my
00:40:05.000 --> 00:40:09.999
lap. It was cold in the exam
00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:14.999
room and I was nervous.
00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:19.999
I thought, let\'s get this show on
00:40:20.000 --> 00:40:24.999
the road. And then the doctor came in to
00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:29.999
examine me. He felt a mass
00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:34.999
and then we went next door for a
00:40:35.000 --> 00:40:39.999
sonogram. And then he said
he wanted to schedule
00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:44.999
an exploratory laparotomy for Wednesday.
00:40:45.000 --> 00:40:49.999
He said other things,
00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:54.999
but I couldn\'t hear a
single word he was saying.
00:40:55.000 --> 00:40:59.999
And I wanted to stop him, to say, stop
00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:04.999
talking. I can\'t hear you.
00:41:05.000 --> 00:41:09.999
I can\'t hear a single thing you\'re saying.
00:41:10.000 --> 00:41:14.999
I called my charge nurse at
the hospital and told her
00:41:15.000 --> 00:41:19.999
about my ovary that was big as
an orange and my exploratory
00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:24.999
laparotomy scheduled for Wednesday.
00:41:25.000 --> 00:41:29.999
She said, that\'s too bad Claire
and I guess this means you won\'t
00:41:30.000 --> 00:41:34.999
be working this weekend.
00:41:35.000 --> 00:41:39.999
I told her I didn\'t think so.
00:41:40.000 --> 00:41:44.999
I checked into the hospital and I knew
00:41:45.000 --> 00:41:49.999
there had to be a mistake.
My roommate was an
00:41:50.000 --> 00:41:54.999
extremely pregnant woman who
was to have a c-section on
00:41:55.000 --> 00:41:59.999
Saturday. She had a big sign
00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:04.999
up over her bed. It said, it\'s almost a
00:42:05.000 --> 00:42:09.999
boy. I wondered to myself
00:42:10.000 --> 00:42:14.999
if I was being thin-skinned.
00:42:15.000 --> 00:42:19.999
Too sensitive. Or if maybe
somebody screwed up
00:42:20.000 --> 00:42:24.999
giving me Barbara Jean as a roommate.
00:42:25.000 --> 00:42:29.999
I needed quiet and privacy.
00:42:30.000 --> 00:42:34.999
And instead we were having the pre-game
00:42:35.000 --> 00:42:39.999
celebration. A festival
of laughter and joy.
00:42:40.000 --> 00:42:44.999
A hootenanny.
00:42:45.000 --> 00:42:49.999
I thought to myself, I wonder if I\'m dying?
00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:58.000
[sil.] The consent form I
signed read: exploratory
00:43:00.000 --> 00:43:04.999
laparotomy with possible
hysterosalpingo-oophorectomy.
00:43:05.000 --> 00:43:09.999
I\'m a nurse.
00:43:10.000 --> 00:43:14.999
I knew what it meant. He\'d look
00:43:15.000 --> 00:43:19.999
around inside, send some
tissue to the pathology
00:43:20.000 --> 00:43:24.999
lab and if I had cancer,
my ovaries and uterus
00:43:25.000 --> 00:43:29.999
would be removed. So it
didn\'t much matter that
00:43:30.000 --> 00:43:34.999
my heart was beating out of my chest
00:43:35.000 --> 00:43:39.999
and my ability to hear was
dramatically dulled by
00:43:40.000 --> 00:43:44.999
the banging blare of acute anxiety.
00:43:45.000 --> 00:43:49.999
While he carefully explained
the procedure, risks,
00:43:50.000 --> 00:43:54.999
and possible complications, I signed the
00:43:55.000 --> 00:43:59.999
forms. I had no questions.
00:44:00.000 --> 00:44:04.999
They took me to
00:44:05.000 --> 00:44:09.999
surgery.
00:44:10.000 --> 00:44:14.999
Right before my daughter Nikki arrived
00:44:15.000 --> 00:44:19.999
to wish me good luck.
00:44:20.000 --> 00:44:24.999
A large man, um, started my
00:44:25.000 --> 00:44:29.999
IV in my left antecubital space.
00:44:30.000 --> 00:44:34.999
He asked me how I got
00:44:35.000 --> 00:44:39.999
my red hair and I laughed
and said that both of my
00:44:40.000 --> 00:44:44.999
grandmothers had hair this color.
It was very cold
00:44:45.000 --> 00:44:49.999
in the pre-anesthesia holding area. And
00:44:50.000 --> 00:44:54.999
I was nervous. I remember
my teeth were chattering as
00:44:55.000 --> 00:44:59.999
they pushed me into the operating room.
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.999
And then a nurse came over.
She introduced herself
00:45:05.000 --> 00:45:09.999
and she offered me a warm blanket.
The blankets were
00:45:10.000 --> 00:45:14.999
lovely and I was very grateful.
00:45:15.000 --> 00:45:19.999
And then my doctor arrived and I thought
00:45:20.000 --> 00:45:24.999
maybe he would come over and speak to me,
00:45:25.000 --> 00:45:29.999
and hold my hand.
00:45:30.000 --> 00:45:34.999
But he was gowned and gloved and masked.
00:45:35.000 --> 00:45:39.999
He said, good morning Claire,
00:45:40.000 --> 00:45:44.999
and to no one in particular,
let\'s get started.
00:45:45.000 --> 00:45:49.999
My next conscious memory was in the
00:45:50.000 --> 00:45:54.999
recover room. Where a woman
with a penetrating voice
00:45:55.000 --> 00:45:59.999
was encouraging me to take
a deep breath Claire, take
00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:04.999
a deep breath. I used my right hand to
00:46:05.000 --> 00:46:09.999
feel down my belly where
I found a large pressure
00:46:10.000 --> 00:46:14.999
dressing taped there in place.
00:46:15.000 --> 00:46:19.999
The next day I met with my
00:46:20.000 --> 00:46:24.999
oncologist to discuss treatment options.
00:46:25.000 --> 00:46:29.999
I asked her if I was going to
00:46:30.000 --> 00:46:34.999
die. She said I\'d rather not discuss
00:46:35.000 --> 00:46:39.999
prognosis at this time, but this
00:46:40.000 --> 00:46:44.999
is the recommended protocol.
00:46:45.000 --> 00:46:49.999
My roommate for my first
round of chemotherapy
00:46:50.000 --> 00:46:54.999
was an ancient female
who looked and smelled
00:46:55.000 --> 00:46:59.999
like death. Machines surrounded her bed.
00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:04.999
I felt like I was in a nightmare.
00:47:05.000 --> 00:47:09.999
I tried to concentrate
on unpacking, to just
00:47:10.000 --> 00:47:14.999
to think about the
suitcase and its contents.
00:47:15.000 --> 00:47:19.999
And then I looked at the suitcase and I
remembered a trip that my ex-husband John
00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:24.999
and I took to Florida and
how the zipper broke.
00:47:25.000 --> 00:47:29.999
And this lump came up into my throat
00:47:30.000 --> 00:47:34.999
and I just pushed that memory right out
00:47:35.000 --> 00:47:39.999
of my mind.
00:47:40.000 --> 00:47:44.999
I had trouble with nausea and vomiting
00:47:45.000 --> 00:47:49.999
that first night.
00:47:50.000 --> 00:47:54.999
Somehow my emesis basin had
been moved on the table
00:47:55.000 --> 00:47:59.999
away from my reach. I knew
I was going to be sick.
00:48:00.000 --> 00:48:04.999
I put the light on, but I didn\'t
think I was going to make it and so
00:48:05.000 --> 00:48:09.999
I started to call out for some help.
00:48:10.000 --> 00:48:14.999
And a housekeeper was walking
by the door and she heard me
00:48:15.000 --> 00:48:19.999
and she came in and she got me
the basin and a wet washcloth
00:48:20.000 --> 00:48:24.999
and then she said that she
would go and get the nurse
00:48:25.000 --> 00:48:29.999
so the nurse could give me something.
But I felt better after I
00:48:30.000 --> 00:48:34.999
threw up. And her eyes
00:48:35.000 --> 00:48:39.999
were so kind. And her voice was so
00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:44.999
gentle. I said,
00:48:45.000 --> 00:48:49.999
could you just sit here with me for awhile?
00:48:50.000 --> 00:48:54.999
And she said, yes Miss
00:48:55.000 --> 00:48:59.999
Claire. She knew my name.
00:49:00.000 --> 00:49:04.999
She read my name on the, on the
board out at the nurse\'s station.
00:49:05.000 --> 00:49:09.999
That was a few months
00:49:10.000 --> 00:49:14.999
ago. Now I have a large
00:49:15.000 --> 00:49:19.999
tumor in my abdomen.
00:49:20.000 --> 00:49:24.999
My daughter Nikki says I
look like I\'m pregnant.
00:49:25.000 --> 00:49:29.999
She\'s going to have to,
she\'s going to have to go
00:49:30.000 --> 00:49:34.999
and live with her father. She\'s only
00:49:35.000 --> 00:49:39.999
14. What do I do?
00:49:40.000 --> 00:49:44.999
Sometimes
00:49:45.000 --> 00:49:49.999
the pain is so bad
00:49:50.000 --> 00:49:54.999
I don\'t think I can stand it.
00:49:55.000 --> 00:49:59.999
I asked the doctor for morphine.
She said, we need to
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.999
wait, to save that option for later.
00:50:05.000 --> 00:50:09.999
Do you understand?
00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:14.999
I\'m dying. My daughter is
00:50:15.000 --> 00:50:19.999
scared and angry. I\'m using her
00:50:20.000 --> 00:50:24.999
college fund for treatment
I believe to be futile.
00:50:25.000 --> 00:50:29.999
And I feel so alone.
00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:34.999
So completely alone.
00:50:35.000 --> 00:50:43.000
[sil.] My nurse was in
with me earlier today.
00:50:45.000 --> 00:50:49.999
She\'s a new graduate.
00:50:50.000 --> 00:50:54.999
She loves being a nurse.
00:50:55.000 --> 00:50:59.999
She always asks about Nikki. Yesterday,
00:51:00.000 --> 00:51:04.999
she, she helped me wash what
little hair I have left.
00:51:05.000 --> 00:51:09.999
And then she, um, reached into her
00:51:10.000 --> 00:51:14.999
pocket, pulled out a tube of
lipstick and told me to pucker
00:51:15.000 --> 00:51:19.999
up. She took me for a walk
00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:24.999
around the unit and while she
was helping me back into
00:51:25.000 --> 00:51:29.999
bed, she could tell that I was having pain.
00:51:30.000 --> 00:51:34.999
And she said,
00:51:35.000 --> 00:51:39.999
I wish I could do something for you.
00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:44.999
And I said, you\'re doing it.
00:51:45.000 --> 00:51:49.999
You\'re doing it.
00:51:50.000 --> 00:51:54.999
And I know, because I\'m a nurse too.
00:51:55.000 --> 00:51:59.999
Get all of your IV antibiotics
00:52:00.000 --> 00:52:04.999
hung on time if you can. And add
00:52:05.000 --> 00:52:09.999
up the intake and output.
They really like that.
00:52:10.000 --> 00:52:14.999
And don\'t forget to sign your charts.
00:52:15.000 --> 00:52:19.999
But don\'t ever forget the importance of
00:52:20.000 --> 00:52:24.999
just being with someone.
00:52:25.000 --> 00:52:29.999
Especially someone who\'s dying.
00:52:30.000 --> 00:52:34.999
She said, I pray you don\'t die.
00:52:35.000 --> 00:52:39.999
I said, I
00:52:40.000 --> 00:52:44.999
pray I\'m not alone when I do.
00:52:45.000 --> 00:52:49.999
I\'m very tired now.
00:52:50.000 --> 00:52:54.999
If we could just go back.
00:52:55.000 --> 00:52:59.999
I\'m tired.
00:53:00.000 --> 00:53:05.000
[music]