WEBVTT

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- For new the ladies, I would
like to welcome you all here,

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and you\'ll learn how I operate.

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I come in at 6:00 in the
morning, I leave at 10:00.

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I wake you up between 07:00 and 07:30,

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you have to get up, get
yourself cleaned up,

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get your room cleaned, come
down, eat your breakfast,

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we check in and then you go
about your daily business.

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If you\'re supposed to be on your job,

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then that\'s where you\'re supposed to be.

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So I will check and
sometimes that\'s termination.

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I know that behavior very well,

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and behavior don\'t lie.

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- [Several Women] No.

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- Behavior don\'t lie and so
when I see that dope fiend behavior,

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Imma call you on it,
maybe you wanna check it,

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and maybe you wanna go
on back to your home,

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and I call the prisons
and the jails your home,

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because that\'s where you been going,

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more so than going to your real house.

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In and out of jail, in and out of jail.

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There were some things that you
wanted to do with your life,

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and you just got sidetracked,

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but don\'t take it for granted

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that you still can\'t do it,

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you still can do it.

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Yeah and I don\'t let felonies

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and all that stuff stop you, you know.

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Always have hope that somebody
will open a door for you.

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Always have hope.

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Somebody will open that door for you.

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I\'m telling you, somebody
will open a door for you,

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if they see you trying.

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(gentle music)

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- Okay.

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(girl in room murmurs)

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Yeah, I\'m gonna write you.

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Huh?

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I\'ll write you, I just wanted to say bye.

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(girl in room murmurs)

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All right, love you guys.

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(gentle music)

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Hello.
(women murmuring)

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Hello, how are you.

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(woman murmurs)

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Hi, how are you.

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Yep.

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Maddison, thank you.
- Nice to meet you.

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- Hey you\'re who I was talking to.

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- Yes, I am.

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- Thank you for helping me.

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- No problem, that\'s what we do.

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So thank you, welcome, and welcome home.

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- Thank you.

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- Do you have to use the bathroom?

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- I think so.

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- Okay that\'s where we start. (laughs)

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Maddison, are you hungry?

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- No.

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- [Woman] Are you sure you
don\'t want nothing to eat?

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- [Maddison] Yeah, I\'m good.

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- Okay.

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- [Maddison] Thank you.

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- Oh my gosh, are you serious?

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- [Maddison] Yes.

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- What\'s up Miss

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- How can I get money as soon as possible,

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so I can go buy some cigarettes?

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(laughs)

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Because I have my check from the jail.

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- Right, so did you sign it yet?

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- No.

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- You get a receipt, so you\'ll sign it,

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you will get a receipt.

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It will be deposited in the bank

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and then you will submit a fund request.

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Miss Becca can show you, or
one of the women can show you

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where you would get the form,
so all the necessary forms,

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meeting verifications, your schedule,

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and you will put in a request for money,

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in order to get cigarettes.

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So wait, I have a question.

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You don\'t smoke in...

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- In jail?

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No not in jail.

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- So why you wanna smoke?

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Why do you wanna....

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- Jail sucks.

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It\'s very shitty.

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No matter what jail I\'ve been to,

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it\'s always been a small space.

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You\'re controlled, you\'re
told when you can eat.

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It feels like they\'re
treating you like animals.

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- Wash cloth is in here.

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Let me know if those
sheets are not twin size,

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I don\'t actually know, and we
can get you different ones.

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But you can just get settled in up here.

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Okay.
- Okay.

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- I\'m gonna head back downstairs,

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but let me know if you need
anything else right now.

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- Okay, thank you.

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- Yeah.

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- I\'m gonna go outside.

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- (laughing) So did you
actually get a cigarette?

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- No.

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- Oh, okay, you can take
stroll, I was just wondering.

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- Yeah, how does that work?

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The strolling thing,
am I allowed to leave?

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- [Rebecca] You are allowed
to be outside the building,

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right now, but you can\'t go
on a walk for three days.

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- But jail did get me
through the dope sickness,

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where, no matter how bad I wanted to,

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I couldn\'t get out of those
walls and go get high, you know.

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But besides that, no, I don\'t
think that spending years

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of my life inside a jail
because of my drug use,

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I don\'t think it has
been beneficial at all

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as far as making me
wanna change, you know.

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It feels good.

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You know what\'s crazy?

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Like, the sky is so
big, how weird is that?

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You know, from like being
locked up for, like, so long,

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and having this little tiny window,

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and then when you get
out, it\'s like, just huge.

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It\'s weird, and it\'s not like
I was locked up for years,

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just months, since September.

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- I can get it and put it on these wheels.

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(laughs)

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- Hi, how are you.

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- Thank you.

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Okay.

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- Yeah, just put your stuff there,

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because she\'s gotta check you in

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and do all that stuff that she does.

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- Excited?
- Yeah I\'m excited.

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- Nervous?
- Not really.

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- That\'s good.

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You been waiting for this for a long time?

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- Yeah, (both laugh)
yeah I\'m really excited.

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Thank you for doing
everything you did for me.

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I know.
- I wish I could do more.

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- You did so much already, seriously.

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I love you, I appreciate you.

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All right, stop.

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You start crying, then I might cry,

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then my make-up\'s gonna run.

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- Well that\'s gonna happen
before the end of the day.

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Look, I don\'t have any left.

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(both laugh)

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- High school was great for me.

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I was in advanced classes.

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I used to go to the middle
school and tutor kids in math.

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I mean, it was just a given
that I would go to college

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and do something great
and have some great job.

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I definitely never would
have thought, or anybody

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that would have known me
back then would have thought,

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that this would have been
the path that I\'d go down.

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I punched my hand through
some glass, one night

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when I was younger, and I
ended up having nerve damage,

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so I had to have surgery
to repair the nerve

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and the tendon in my wrist,

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and got prescribed painkillers,

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and you know, they don\'t tell you

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that your body\'s gonna get
physically addicted to them

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and you might become
mentally addicted to the way

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they make you feel,

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and then it escalates, you know,

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and so that\'s how it started out.

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- No we\'re gonna go through
everything, so not a problem.

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- Like, when my dad died, they told us

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that he had a heart attack, or
either a pulmonary embolism,

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but I found out, like seven years later,

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once my mom found out that I was using,

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that he had overdosed on his pain pills.

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He had had a hip replacement

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and then was prescribed pain pills

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and my mom found out that I was using,

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and she called me and was
crying and freaking out,

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and she was like, I already
lost your dad to this,

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and because I was already in
my addiction at that point,

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I mean, it was just another
excuse to go get high.

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So I hung up in her face
and I went and got high.

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- This is her new start,
and if she screws this up,

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I told her, I\'m done,
I can\'t do it any more,

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and I shouldn\'t have to
do it any more, you know.

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- No secret stash.

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- Friends of Guest House, this is Rebecca.

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No, we\'re a six month residential program.

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Oh yeah, so we have an application
that\'s available online,

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or we can mail it to you.

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- She didn\'t get double lemons, guys.

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She didn\'t get double lemons.

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These apples can go out.

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She didn\'t get double lemons.

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Guess what she got though?

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She got the cilantro.

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- [Women] Yes!

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- Baby, we\'re in business.

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- Baby!

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- Baby!

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Ooh and she got fresh garlic.

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Oh we about to be stinking.

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We get groceries once a week.

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Put up the new stuff, rotate the old out

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and try to use up as much of
the fresh stuff as possible.

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As many fresh vegetables and
stuff that we can get, we use.

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- And she is the cook.

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I don\'t think there\'s anything

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that she\'s made that I don\'t like.

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- Yes it was, the jerk chicken.

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- Oh, but that\'s \'cause I
don\'t like jerk chicken.

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(women chatting)

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♪ Just give me a reason ♪

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♪ Just a little bit\'s enough ♪

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♪ Just a second we\'re
not broken just bent ♪

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♪ And we can learn to love again ♪

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♪ It\'s in the stars ♪

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♪ It\'s been written in
the scars of our hearts ♪

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♪ That we\'re not broken just bent ♪

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- My first day at the
Guest House was lonely,

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because I had, just the day
before, had buried my mom,

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I didn\'t know what I wanted to do,

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and so I did what I did
best which was cry. (laughs)

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♪ I\'m just gonna sit at
the dock of the bay ♪

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♪ Watching the tide roll away ♪

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And I didn\'t cry, just, oh
my God, I\'m here, I cried,

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like,

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wailed and sobbed and snot-cried,

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couldn\'t breathe cried for about an hour,

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until I felt I had nothing
else in me to give, I cried.

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Never go wrong with this.

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(woman murmurs)

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- [Woman] We were in a
little meeting in my office,

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and Selena was like,
\"I gotta go see this!\"

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(Selena laughs)

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- Hello.

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- Hi how are you?

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- Good I\'m your roommate.

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Maddison.

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- Nice to meet you, I\'m Grace.

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- Nice to meet you.

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(gentle classical music)

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- Right, just do lower case,
yeah take your Caps Lock,

00:11:33.430 --> 00:11:36.111
is right here, so just
hit that, now just do L.

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Save it.

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- Oh okay, let\'s do that.

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- We have everybody from people

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who have a sixth grade education to MBAs.

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Some of these women have ended up

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in places they would have
never seen themselves.

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- So you kinda work in phases,

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so as you show that
you\'re self-sufficient,

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have a job, and you\'re
disciplined and responsible,

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you will go over to the apartments.

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- And somebody is moving to an apartment.

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- Yes, and you know what, you will...

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- Most people, I don\'t
think, are born as criminals,

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or born with the intention of
wreaking havoc on their lives

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and their loved one\'s
lives, and their community.

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It\'s easier for us to
see them as bad people,

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instead of people who just have
so many things to overcome,

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and for us, we get to
keep them for six months.

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It\'s like doing triage.

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They have guilt and shame and sorrow.

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Which place is bleeding the most?

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How many fingers is it gonna
take to plug all the holes

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in this person, in order
to make it possible

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for them to be a whole human being again?

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- As far as criminal history goes,

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like, a general jist of what was it?

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- Possession, possession, possession.

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(both laugh)

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- Do you have any medical
history, like any,

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my best references are
cholesterol problems,

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heart, any surgery, say,
you\'ve gone through,

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or anything like that?

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- I had surgery here,
when I punched my hand

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through some glass and
repaired a nerve and a tendon,

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but that was like nine years ago probably.

00:13:27.720 --> 00:13:29.113
- Any probation violations?

00:13:29.949 --> 00:13:30.782
- One.

00:13:30.782 --> 00:13:31.615
- One, okay.

00:13:31.616 --> 00:13:34.703
So what do you think are your
long-term occupational goals?

00:13:35.890 --> 00:13:37.323
- Well, I like to cook,

00:13:39.554 --> 00:13:41.559
but I wanna find a position,

00:13:41.560 --> 00:13:45.579
maybe with cooking, that
is, I mean obviously better

00:13:45.580 --> 00:13:49.679
than like minimum wage type situations

00:13:49.680 --> 00:13:53.143
because it\'s just not
enough money to survive on,

00:13:54.660 --> 00:13:56.689
which is why usually when I\'m
working in places like that,

00:13:56.690 --> 00:13:59.069
I end up selling drugs, and
then I end up doing drugs,

00:13:59.070 --> 00:14:03.179
and I end up back in jail, so.

00:14:03.180 --> 00:14:05.689
- Do you have any educational goals?

00:14:05.690 --> 00:14:09.299
- I don\'t know if there\'s
like culinary classes.

00:14:09.300 --> 00:14:10.300
- Culinary school.

00:14:12.599 --> 00:14:13.440
- Yeah I would absolutely be interested

00:14:13.441 --> 00:14:15.129
in something like that.

00:14:15.130 --> 00:14:17.580
- Do you have any mental
health goals, long-term?

00:14:18.890 --> 00:14:21.119
- Well, I feel like my
mental health is usually okay

00:14:21.120 --> 00:14:23.029
when I\'m not using. (laughs)

00:14:23.030 --> 00:14:25.009
I mean, using, kinda, it\'s like a cycle,

00:14:25.010 --> 00:14:26.449
it makes you depressed
eventually, you know,

00:14:26.450 --> 00:14:29.289
because then you get down
on yourself for using

00:14:29.290 --> 00:14:31.243
and then it just makes you use again.

00:14:33.560 --> 00:14:34.949
- Have you ever gone through a drug

00:14:34.950 --> 00:14:36.856
or alcohol treatment before?

00:14:36.857 --> 00:14:38.083
- No.
- No, all right.

00:14:39.580 --> 00:14:41.130
Do you have any clothing needs?

00:14:42.140 --> 00:14:44.719
- Yes, probably, like, everything really,

00:14:44.720 --> 00:14:48.089
I lost like all of my clothes,
every time I go to jail

00:14:48.090 --> 00:14:50.440
which has been a couple
of times at this point.

00:14:51.626 --> 00:14:53.126
Hopefully, that\'s the last time.

00:14:53.127 --> 00:14:53.960
- It will be the last time
if I have a say in that

00:14:53.961 --> 00:14:58.009
- Yeah I see what you\'re saying.

00:14:58.010 --> 00:15:01.159
I\'m in a way different
head space this time

00:15:01.160 --> 00:15:02.160
- Awesome

00:15:03.720 --> 00:15:06.070
All right, so, I got my
money thing filled out.

00:15:07.968 --> 00:15:09.249
The only problem is I
have to have an escort

00:15:09.250 --> 00:15:10.579
and someone take me,

00:15:10.580 --> 00:15:11.460
how do I figure that out?

00:15:11.461 --> 00:15:13.069
- You can ask anyone who\'s been here,

00:15:13.070 --> 00:15:14.459
any of the girls from Sheffield,

00:15:14.460 --> 00:15:16.549
anyone who\'s been here
so after your two weeks

00:15:16.550 --> 00:15:17.789
are allowed to escort you

00:15:17.790 --> 00:15:20.039
- And I have a meeting everyday

00:15:20.040 --> 00:15:21.709
- If there\'s one, yeah

00:15:21.710 --> 00:15:22.650
Well I go to one everyday.

00:15:22.651 --> 00:15:24.600
I go to early birds, it\'s a AA meeting.

00:15:25.450 --> 00:15:27.049
And I go to two...

00:15:27.050 --> 00:15:29.330
- You go early as fucking what?

00:15:30.370 --> 00:15:31.500
- Seven.

00:15:31.501 --> 00:15:33.119
- You go at seven in the
morning to a meeting?

00:15:33.120 --> 00:15:36.954
- Yeah, well actually I leave here at 6:30

00:15:36.955 --> 00:15:38.018
- Cause I want to be a morning person,

00:15:38.019 --> 00:15:39.109
I\'m not really but

00:15:39.110 --> 00:15:41.599
I feel like to be
productive and successful

00:15:41.600 --> 00:15:42.969
you need to wake up
early and start my stuff.

00:15:42.970 --> 00:15:44.749
- Oh man you\'re not
gonna have a choice here,

00:15:44.750 --> 00:15:46.150
you\'re gonna have to get up.

00:15:47.200 --> 00:15:49.681
I definitely get up to go to my meeting.

00:15:49.682 --> 00:15:50.769
If I don\'t do anything else for the day

00:15:50.770 --> 00:15:52.599
I feel like I\'m not
productive if I don\'t get up

00:15:52.600 --> 00:15:53.979
and get to that meeting.

00:15:53.980 --> 00:15:55.640
That\'s how my day starts off

00:16:06.291 --> 00:16:07.124
This is the best time of the day,

00:16:07.125 --> 00:16:08.823
you have some time to yourself.

00:16:09.770 --> 00:16:12.483
Although we can\'t go
downstairs until 6 o\'clock

00:16:15.930 --> 00:16:19.699
I\'ve used drugs since I was 17.

00:16:19.700 --> 00:16:21.329
I\'ve always been a partier.

00:16:21.330 --> 00:16:25.629
It was always recreational
but this time around

00:16:25.630 --> 00:16:28.939
my boyfriend turned me
onto some crack cocaine.

00:16:28.940 --> 00:16:30.329
I didn\'t like it at first,

00:16:30.330 --> 00:16:33.939
but then I did it by myself
one day and it just hit me like

00:16:33.940 --> 00:16:36.289
oh my goodness like, what is this?

00:16:36.290 --> 00:16:37.429
It was like trying it

00:16:37.430 --> 00:16:38.989
even though it wasn\'t
my first time trying it

00:16:38.990 --> 00:16:41.043
it was like trying it for the first time.

00:16:48.450 --> 00:16:50.769
As much as we\'re trying to change,

00:16:50.770 --> 00:16:53.390
I feel like everybody
still has some sort of

00:16:54.500 --> 00:16:58.309
lie they tell themselves
to make it through the day,

00:16:58.310 --> 00:16:59.939
and one thing about it is,

00:16:59.940 --> 00:17:01.669
in order for your program to work,

00:17:01.670 --> 00:17:04.589
you have to be brutally
honest with yourself

00:17:04.590 --> 00:17:08.413
and that\'s the one thing
that I\'m still working on.

00:17:30.980 --> 00:17:33.959
- Oh my god, you\'re gonna kill me.

00:17:33.960 --> 00:17:35.910
- You didn\'t turn in our meeting slips?

00:17:36.940 --> 00:17:39.992
It\'s okay just turn them in, it\'s fine.

00:17:39.993 --> 00:17:42.410
(both laugh)

00:17:43.378 --> 00:17:44.378
- Oh my God.

00:17:46.943 --> 00:17:49.449
- I\'ve got homework for (murmers).

00:17:49.450 --> 00:17:50.283
I have to write...

00:17:50.284 --> 00:17:51.552
- Fuck, I do too

00:17:51.553 --> 00:17:52.786
- Yeah, you do too, yeah.

00:17:52.787 --> 00:17:54.759
But I have to write the other letter back,

00:17:54.760 --> 00:17:56.269
like I already wrote,

00:17:56.270 --> 00:17:58.423
did the goodbye addiction letter.

00:17:59.290 --> 00:18:01.109
Now I have to write a
letter back to myself

00:18:01.110 --> 00:18:02.110
from my addiction.

00:18:03.190 --> 00:18:04.070
- From your addiction?

00:18:04.071 --> 00:18:05.249
- Yeah

00:18:05.250 --> 00:18:06.619
- You know I want you girl,

00:18:06.620 --> 00:18:08.999
you know I\'ll be here waiting
for you when you\'re ready.

00:18:09.000 --> 00:18:10.439
- That\'s what it will say.

00:18:10.440 --> 00:18:12.039
- I know it\'s something
like that but I haven\'t...

00:18:12.040 --> 00:18:14.290
- You know you can\'t
get me out of your head.

00:18:16.610 --> 00:18:18.513
You know I\'ll kill you.

00:18:19.445 --> 00:18:20.445
I\'ll kill you.

00:18:21.483 --> 00:18:24.019
- I think I make this harder
for myself by making it a poem

00:18:24.020 --> 00:18:25.999
because if I just was
writing without rhyming

00:18:26.000 --> 00:18:26.900
it might probably be a lot easier.

00:18:26.901 --> 00:18:28.383
- Oh you\'re rhyming?

00:18:30.952 --> 00:18:32.489
- It\'s like, dear Grace,

00:18:32.490 --> 00:18:34.459
I don\'t know why you\'re tryna run from me,

00:18:34.460 --> 00:18:35.689
you know I want you back,

00:18:35.690 --> 00:18:37.209
I\'ll be forever here to blur the lines

00:18:37.210 --> 00:18:39.299
between what\'s fiction and what\'s fact.

00:18:39.300 --> 00:18:40.329
I\'ll be there when you\'re awake,

00:18:40.330 --> 00:18:42.249
but even more so in your dreams.

00:18:42.250 --> 00:18:43.583
Is all I have right now.

00:18:50.350 --> 00:18:53.749
It\'s like being in jail outside of jail.

00:18:53.750 --> 00:18:55.719
Because you\'re just a prisoner to

00:18:55.720 --> 00:19:00.129
like this everyday chase of
how am I gonna find some drugs

00:19:00.130 --> 00:19:01.130
so I\'m not sick.

00:19:02.540 --> 00:19:07.379
And went to jail once and
went home and used again

00:19:07.380 --> 00:19:11.790
and went back to jail and
went home without a plan again

00:19:12.760 --> 00:19:15.059
and at first I was doing okay,

00:19:15.060 --> 00:19:17.329
and then one day I was
walking to the bus stop

00:19:17.330 --> 00:19:20.179
and somebody\'s honking the horn at me

00:19:20.180 --> 00:19:22.389
and he was my old heroin dealer.

00:19:22.390 --> 00:19:23.223
And he was like,

00:19:23.224 --> 00:19:24.299
yeah, come on, I\'ll
give you a ride to work.

00:19:24.300 --> 00:19:25.869
And,

00:19:25.870 --> 00:19:26.703
there it is,

00:19:26.704 --> 00:19:29.490
that\'s where it really started
to go back downhill again.

00:19:32.250 --> 00:19:34.663
So within two months I was arrested again.

00:19:35.600 --> 00:19:37.229
This is the first time since I left jail

00:19:37.230 --> 00:19:39.633
that I didn\'t use within
the first 24 hours.

00:19:40.779 --> 00:19:42.719
(women laughing)

00:19:42.720 --> 00:19:44.079
- They ask everybody what they\'re making,

00:19:44.080 --> 00:19:45.580
mine is a do not disturb sign.

00:19:47.073 --> 00:19:50.073
- That is definitely do not disturb.

00:19:51.005 --> 00:19:53.172
- And I can still see you.

00:19:58.237 --> 00:20:00.859
- All of the services that
we\'re providing in Guest House,

00:20:00.860 --> 00:20:02.709
like housing assistance,

00:20:02.710 --> 00:20:03.969
and employment assistance,

00:20:03.970 --> 00:20:06.479
and education and food and healthcare

00:20:06.480 --> 00:20:07.989
and all of those things,

00:20:07.990 --> 00:20:10.439
there\'s nothing magical about them.

00:20:10.440 --> 00:20:13.139
All that we\'re doing is we\'re
embracing these individuals

00:20:13.140 --> 00:20:15.479
and saying that we\'re not
going to stigmatize you,

00:20:15.480 --> 00:20:17.159
we\'re not going to shame you,

00:20:17.160 --> 00:20:19.929
we\'re going to help you to learn

00:20:19.930 --> 00:20:22.499
how to be part of a community

00:20:22.500 --> 00:20:25.349
through love, acceptance, non-judgment,

00:20:25.350 --> 00:20:26.700
but accountability as well.

00:20:28.250 --> 00:20:30.463
- Nice jab, you\'re doing great.

00:20:34.950 --> 00:20:38.009
- Our women are the greatest reflection

00:20:38.010 --> 00:20:40.659
of human resilience that I have ever seen.

00:20:40.660 --> 00:20:43.069
They have this incredible ability

00:20:43.070 --> 00:20:47.029
to simultaneously be
experiencing horrific things

00:20:47.030 --> 00:20:48.519
internally and externally,

00:20:48.520 --> 00:20:50.469
that most of us can\'t really understand

00:20:50.470 --> 00:20:51.809
or wrap our minds around.

00:20:51.810 --> 00:20:55.249
And yet these women have used
every resource that they have,

00:20:55.250 --> 00:20:58.249
all of their intelligence and
their interpersonal skills

00:20:58.250 --> 00:21:00.739
to find a way to survive.

00:21:00.740 --> 00:21:03.979
No matter what they\'ve had to
do to survive their traumas

00:21:03.980 --> 00:21:07.533
it clearly was the right choice
because they\'re here today.

00:21:31.502 --> 00:21:34.752
(singing and laughing)

00:21:40.020 --> 00:21:41.876
- What time we have to
leave for this meeting?

00:21:41.877 --> 00:21:42.877
- After six.

00:21:44.189 --> 00:21:46.213
- You\'re not coming to
the meeting Miss Jean?

00:21:47.400 --> 00:21:48.400
- This is hot.

00:21:52.060 --> 00:21:53.210
Oh that smells so good.

00:21:56.250 --> 00:21:57.943
- That sauce is good, right?

00:22:04.940 --> 00:22:05.940
- All right.

00:22:08.680 --> 00:22:09.922
That honey mustard was good?

00:22:09.923 --> 00:22:12.920
- Yes it was good yeah, so good.

00:22:47.862 --> 00:22:49.269
- I\'ve never had nothing like that.

00:22:49.270 --> 00:22:51.769
- I have been here nine days.

00:22:51.770 --> 00:22:53.529
The first couple days were hectic,

00:22:53.530 --> 00:22:55.179
but now that I\'m starting
to feel more comfortable

00:22:55.180 --> 00:22:57.559
cause I\'m understanding
like how everything works,

00:22:57.560 --> 00:22:58.809
with going to the classes

00:22:58.810 --> 00:23:00.369
and how we have to sign out.

00:23:00.370 --> 00:23:01.772
So now that I\'ve got that,

00:23:01.773 --> 00:23:03.379
I don\'t have to think about that as much

00:23:03.380 --> 00:23:06.449
and now I\'m trying to schedule
in all these appointments

00:23:06.450 --> 00:23:07.450
and stuff like that.

00:23:08.638 --> 00:23:10.869
I like being able to accomplish stuff,

00:23:10.870 --> 00:23:12.550
builds your confidence you know.

00:23:17.130 --> 00:23:18.469
That\'s another thing I\'m working on too.

00:23:18.470 --> 00:23:20.509
Building my confidence you know,

00:23:20.510 --> 00:23:21.510
from,

00:23:22.280 --> 00:23:24.759
feeling defeated all the time

00:23:24.760 --> 00:23:26.589
or feeling like I can\'t
accomplish anything

00:23:26.590 --> 00:23:28.629
or like I\'m not worth anything,

00:23:28.630 --> 00:23:30.929
to now starting to accomplish things

00:23:30.930 --> 00:23:33.409
and getting stuff done
like on my own, you know

00:23:33.410 --> 00:23:35.323
and if I need help I can ask somebody.

00:23:52.120 --> 00:23:54.180
It\'s more like a family here, you know.

00:23:55.142 --> 00:23:57.839
We all have the same goal and
that\'s just to move forward

00:23:57.840 --> 00:24:01.989
and we all like have been
looking out for each other.

00:24:01.990 --> 00:24:05.469
Also it\'s different because
you don\'t have you know,

00:24:05.470 --> 00:24:07.699
deputies walking around you all the time

00:24:07.700 --> 00:24:09.529
and like patting you down,

00:24:09.530 --> 00:24:11.627
search you and stuff like that.

00:24:22.850 --> 00:24:26.819
- The plan I set out for
myself was to get here

00:24:26.820 --> 00:24:29.110
and get a routine for myself

00:24:30.060 --> 00:24:32.313
and to find a career path.

00:24:36.580 --> 00:24:39.719
This is a life changing
moment we\'re given right here.

00:24:39.720 --> 00:24:42.859
This is just not even
the tip of the iceberg

00:24:42.860 --> 00:24:45.239
like I just started to climb this mountain

00:24:45.240 --> 00:24:47.149
so just knowing that I\'m still at the base

00:24:47.150 --> 00:24:50.819
and where I can go from
here, it\'s amazing.

00:24:50.820 --> 00:24:51.849
- I\'m Chef T good to meet you.

00:24:51.850 --> 00:24:53.118
- Hi Chef T, I\'m Selina Brown.

00:24:53.119 --> 00:24:54.699
- I\'ve heard a lot about you Ms. Brown

00:24:54.700 --> 00:24:55.700
- I see.

00:24:58.345 --> 00:25:00.119
- All right at this point
we\'re about to close the door.

00:25:00.120 --> 00:25:01.060
- Okay.

00:25:01.061 --> 00:25:04.549
Honestly, I kinda got the feeling that,

00:25:04.550 --> 00:25:06.879
okay you\'re not getting in here like

00:25:06.880 --> 00:25:09.219
he asked me the same question
like a couple of times,

00:25:09.220 --> 00:25:13.339
but I think it was just the way
he was wording the question.

00:25:13.340 --> 00:25:14.340
He was looking for,

00:25:16.000 --> 00:25:17.469
not the answer that I was giving him.

00:25:17.470 --> 00:25:20.783
So I feel like I\'m not gonna get in.

00:25:25.210 --> 00:25:28.739
- In Virginia, they
consider crime voluntary

00:25:28.740 --> 00:25:32.149
and therefore they consider
incarceration voluntary.

00:25:32.150 --> 00:25:34.189
And so for women you know,

00:25:34.190 --> 00:25:36.329
70 to 80% of whom are mothers

00:25:36.330 --> 00:25:38.129
and they\'re not taking
care of their children

00:25:38.130 --> 00:25:40.079
obviously when they\'re incarcerated.

00:25:40.080 --> 00:25:42.869
If the families are getting
support from the state

00:25:42.870 --> 00:25:45.779
then the state is charging the
parents who are incarcerated.

00:25:45.780 --> 00:25:49.009
So they\'ll be released with quite often

00:25:49.010 --> 00:25:52.419
many, many thousands of
dollars worth of child support

00:25:52.420 --> 00:25:55.289
that they owe including interest,

00:25:55.290 --> 00:26:00.290
and as soon as they get a
job, their wages are garnished

00:26:00.390 --> 00:26:01.873
for that back child support.

00:26:05.400 --> 00:26:08.109
- I\'m applying to Dunkin Donuts, yeah.

00:26:08.110 --> 00:26:11.199
I\'m just hoping that I can get
some kind of job somewhere.

00:26:11.200 --> 00:26:14.359
It\'s probably gonna be
hard with my charges,

00:26:14.360 --> 00:26:16.199
but I\'m gonna try.

00:26:16.200 --> 00:26:18.069
It\'s no need not to try,

00:26:18.070 --> 00:26:20.420
that\'s the only way that
you can fail for sure.

00:26:28.370 --> 00:26:32.113
- All right, I\'m gonna
have you sit there please.

00:26:33.660 --> 00:26:36.649
So I wanted to see
what\'s going on with you,

00:26:36.650 --> 00:26:38.319
like where you\'re at with things,

00:26:38.320 --> 00:26:39.689
like how you\'re doing,

00:26:39.690 --> 00:26:41.490
how\'s therapy?

00:26:41.491 --> 00:26:42.923
- It\'s all okay.

00:26:44.280 --> 00:26:45.809
- Okay.

00:26:45.810 --> 00:26:49.129
This, I think, is a great
example of some of the stuff

00:26:49.130 --> 00:26:51.369
that you\'ve been working
on while you\'re here,

00:26:51.370 --> 00:26:52.653
which is asking for help.

00:26:56.770 --> 00:26:58.893
So that you\'re not suffering in silence.

00:27:04.310 --> 00:27:05.410
What else is going on?

00:27:11.510 --> 00:27:15.440
- Nothing, I\'m just kinda over everything.

00:27:16.653 --> 00:27:19.910
I\'m just, it\'s just I don\'t know,

00:27:21.210 --> 00:27:23.979
I\'m just, I\'m tired, I\'m tired.

00:27:23.980 --> 00:27:26.599
- Well I\'m tired too, but
just because you\'re tired

00:27:26.600 --> 00:27:28.400
doesn\'t mean you gotta stop talking.

00:27:31.820 --> 00:27:33.869
- I\'m just falling behind I guess.

00:27:33.870 --> 00:27:35.403
- You\'re not falling behind.

00:27:38.270 --> 00:27:39.713
You\'re not falling behind.

00:27:42.050 --> 00:27:44.250
But this is something
that we gotta work on.

00:27:47.310 --> 00:27:48.310
- Okay.

00:28:12.530 --> 00:28:15.269
- This question...
- Something wrong with my eye.

00:28:15.270 --> 00:28:16.819
- I mean this homework is for employment.

00:28:16.820 --> 00:28:17.653
- Did you finish your letter?

00:28:17.654 --> 00:28:19.159
- Oh my gosh

00:28:19.160 --> 00:28:20.045
- You did?

00:28:20.046 --> 00:28:23.119
- No I did not, I\'m
tryna tell you something.

00:28:23.120 --> 00:28:26.327
No this homework\'s for employment skills.

00:28:26.328 --> 00:28:29.289
We\'re like doing resumes I
think this week coming up.

00:28:29.290 --> 00:28:30.749
- You\'re doing resumes?

00:28:30.750 --> 00:28:31.638
- Yeah.

00:28:31.639 --> 00:28:32.983
I don\'t wanna be comfortable.

00:28:33.830 --> 00:28:35.539
Like I don\'t want to start
out like comfortable.

00:28:35.540 --> 00:28:38.869
Like I wanna be somewhere that, you know.

00:28:38.870 --> 00:28:40.541
Where I\'m uncomfortable so I have to like

00:28:40.542 --> 00:28:42.971
push myself to be better yeah.

00:28:42.972 --> 00:28:43.822
- Yes bitch I know.

00:28:43.823 --> 00:28:44.899
- I would be comfortable there.

00:28:44.900 --> 00:28:45.733
I know the people that work there,

00:28:45.734 --> 00:28:47.957
cause I\'m around them everyday at school.

00:28:49.460 --> 00:28:51.810
- I hope to be able to
stand on my own two feet

00:28:52.690 --> 00:28:54.699
by the end of this program.

00:28:54.700 --> 00:28:56.829
I want to be successful,

00:28:56.830 --> 00:28:59.129
I want to be professional you know,

00:28:59.130 --> 00:29:02.149
I wanna have a good job
that means something to me,

00:29:02.150 --> 00:29:03.200
helping other people.

00:29:04.140 --> 00:29:06.153
- It\'s like what type of
business or organization,

00:29:06.154 --> 00:29:07.872
like I don\'t work, you
know what I\'m saying,

00:29:07.873 --> 00:29:08.740
I don\'t think.

00:29:08.741 --> 00:29:09.909
- Dude hotels make bank.

00:29:09.910 --> 00:29:10.910
- I know they do.

00:29:14.280 --> 00:29:16.609
- Because I feel like
I\'ve been down, you know,

00:29:16.610 --> 00:29:17.839
the darkest road,

00:29:17.840 --> 00:29:19.439
and there is someone out there

00:29:19.440 --> 00:29:21.863
that I can probably
help with that you know.

00:29:27.700 --> 00:29:29.193
- So,

00:29:30.670 --> 00:29:34.009
everybody knows that I went to DC

00:29:34.010 --> 00:29:36.403
for DC Central Kitchen right.

00:29:37.400 --> 00:29:38.463
So,

00:29:41.080 --> 00:29:42.860
bang, I got my three days!

00:29:46.220 --> 00:29:47.759
I got my three days!

00:29:47.760 --> 00:29:49.459
You get a three day training period

00:29:49.460 --> 00:29:51.859
where they see if you\'re
a fit for the program

00:29:51.860 --> 00:29:53.523
And I so got my three days!

00:29:55.485 --> 00:29:58.879
Thank you guys for being
there for me I appreciate it,

00:29:58.880 --> 00:30:00.669
and for eating all of this food

00:30:00.670 --> 00:30:03.263
and there is good food to come.

00:30:05.650 --> 00:30:09.433
- I\'m so proud of you,
I am so proud of you.

00:30:10.810 --> 00:30:12.999
- I would like to have my own

00:30:13.000 --> 00:30:15.109
little hole in the wall restaurant

00:30:15.110 --> 00:30:17.639
and have a little family atmosphere

00:30:17.640 --> 00:30:20.989
where you know everybody knows your name.

00:30:20.990 --> 00:30:23.207
Where you have a signature dish.

00:30:23.208 --> 00:30:24.929
Yeah I\'m all crossing the street,

00:30:24.930 --> 00:30:26.199
I\'m like yeah,

00:30:26.200 --> 00:30:29.229
I\'m like yup in the middle of DC,

00:30:29.230 --> 00:30:31.497
I\'m spinning around and the
car says (honking sound).

00:30:33.150 --> 00:30:36.479
Then I want my place to
be one of those places

00:30:36.480 --> 00:30:39.143
that Guy Fieri comes to visit and says,

00:30:41.170 --> 00:30:43.929
It\'s amazing, you have to taste this like,

00:30:43.930 --> 00:30:46.809
I want him to be able to fall
over in my kitchen and say,

00:30:46.810 --> 00:30:48.509
You\'ve got to taste this.

00:30:48.510 --> 00:30:49.709
- Can you take me under your wing,

00:30:49.710 --> 00:30:51.536
because I really look up to you

00:30:51.537 --> 00:30:53.529
and I need to be focused like you.

00:30:53.530 --> 00:30:56.079
I was just telling Grace
last night like how

00:30:56.080 --> 00:30:57.329
motivating you are,

00:30:57.330 --> 00:30:58.946
and like how much you
got your head on right,

00:30:58.947 --> 00:31:00.079
you know what I\'m saying.

00:31:00.080 --> 00:31:04.324
- And I appreciate it,
and like I tell everybody,

00:31:04.325 --> 00:31:08.329
just sometimes what you see
is not always what you get

00:31:08.330 --> 00:31:13.009
but it takes a lot from me to
motivate myself in the morning

00:31:13.010 --> 00:31:16.053
to motivate you guys because I feel like,

00:31:17.514 --> 00:31:20.659
in some aspects of my life
my head is so screwed on

00:31:20.660 --> 00:31:23.309
and other aspects of my life
it\'s like laying on the floor

00:31:23.310 --> 00:31:25.229
and I\'m kicking it around
like a soccer ball.

00:31:25.230 --> 00:31:27.490
I have absolutely no idea but

00:31:30.361 --> 00:31:31.694
I try my best to

00:31:33.055 --> 00:31:36.055
yeah, I try my best to do right for,

00:31:37.070 --> 00:31:40.739
mostly for myself, but I feel
like there\'s a lot of people

00:31:40.740 --> 00:31:43.819
that encourage me and believe in me

00:31:43.820 --> 00:31:46.429
and I wouldn\'t want to
let those people down

00:31:46.430 --> 00:31:51.149
and the fact that I
actually started believing

00:31:51.150 --> 00:31:52.409
believing in myself,

00:31:52.410 --> 00:31:54.349
not just knowing that I could do it

00:31:54.350 --> 00:31:55.979
or I could possibly do it,

00:31:55.980 --> 00:31:59.309
but actually doing it and
saying this is what I wanna do

00:31:59.310 --> 00:32:02.619
and I\'m just gonna step out
there on the ledge and say,

00:32:02.620 --> 00:32:03.739
this is here.

00:32:03.740 --> 00:32:05.159
I mean I\'ve bungee jumped before

00:32:05.160 --> 00:32:06.519
so it\'s kinda the same thing,

00:32:06.520 --> 00:32:08.889
I\'m just trust falling
with my life right now,

00:32:08.890 --> 00:32:10.539
I kinda just gave in,

00:32:10.540 --> 00:32:11.477
you kinda give in to like yeah

00:32:11.478 --> 00:32:13.649
I\'m just gonna trust fall with my life

00:32:13.650 --> 00:32:16.163
and just jump off this
ledge and see what happens.

00:32:24.220 --> 00:32:25.720
So, but this is an NA meeting,

00:32:26.610 --> 00:32:29.329
I like the NA meetings
better because I can relate.

00:32:29.330 --> 00:32:33.379
Didn\'t have much of an alcohol problem.

00:32:33.380 --> 00:32:35.779
I let that go when I had
an alcoholic boyfriend.

00:32:35.780 --> 00:32:38.519
If I gotta have my tequila
in some vinegar bottles,

00:32:38.520 --> 00:32:40.139
we got a problem.

00:32:40.140 --> 00:32:41.889
I\'m paying for some
alcohol I ain\'t drinking,

00:32:41.890 --> 00:32:43.449
it\'s a problem.

00:32:43.450 --> 00:32:45.390
I don\'t buy drinks, I receive them.

00:32:47.301 --> 00:32:48.939
But,

00:32:48.940 --> 00:32:51.750
so I probably be getting
ready to move to Sheffield

00:32:53.460 --> 00:32:54.460
like next week.

00:32:57.490 --> 00:32:59.129
- I need to learn where I\'m going then,

00:32:59.130 --> 00:33:01.260
because if you\'re not taking me

00:33:01.261 --> 00:33:02.250
- That\'s what I\'m saying,

00:33:02.251 --> 00:33:04.700
I might not be in a rush
to move you only because

00:33:05.813 --> 00:33:07.503
- Because then I\'m gonna have to cook.

00:33:07.504 --> 00:33:09.439
- You\'re gonna have to cook anyway,

00:33:09.440 --> 00:33:11.785
if you\'re gonna eat something decent.

00:33:11.786 --> 00:33:13.839
- Well I never went to jail until I was 24

00:33:13.840 --> 00:33:16.729
So yes now I kinda do feel
like that\'s where I\'m at

00:33:16.730 --> 00:33:18.859
like tryna discover who
I am and what I want.

00:33:18.860 --> 00:33:20.199
- I don\'t wanna do chicken fried rice,

00:33:20.200 --> 00:33:21.589
I\'m tired of chicken fried rice.

00:33:21.590 --> 00:33:23.883
You know you guys probably haven\'t had it.

00:33:24.730 --> 00:33:27.059
Have you all had chicken fried rice?

00:33:27.060 --> 00:33:29.619
- No, we had that teriyaki chicken.

00:33:29.620 --> 00:33:32.189
You know I\'m hoping by the
time my six months is over,

00:33:32.190 --> 00:33:34.829
that I will have been able
to figure out a little better

00:33:34.830 --> 00:33:36.809
what I do wanna do, you know,

00:33:36.810 --> 00:33:39.039
I\'m definitely tryna find a career path

00:33:39.040 --> 00:33:40.299
where I can you know,

00:33:40.300 --> 00:33:42.099
support myself and be stable

00:33:42.100 --> 00:33:44.979
and not have to ever think
about selling drugs again

00:33:44.980 --> 00:33:47.429
because I can\'t make enough
money to make ends meet

00:33:47.430 --> 00:33:50.609
because you know selling drugs for me

00:33:50.610 --> 00:33:52.399
definitely leads to doing drugs,

00:33:52.400 --> 00:33:57.400
and doing drugs leads to
losing, you know, my family.

00:33:57.610 --> 00:34:00.269
Because this time I\'m pretty sure that

00:34:00.270 --> 00:34:03.019
like after having this much help

00:34:03.020 --> 00:34:04.159
and all these opportunities,

00:34:04.160 --> 00:34:06.039
if I were to squander this opportunity,

00:34:06.040 --> 00:34:11.040
like I mean why would they
even be there for me again?

00:34:11.230 --> 00:34:12.230
You know.

00:34:14.440 --> 00:34:16.649
So I\'m definitely gonna go turn in

00:34:16.650 --> 00:34:19.210
this DC Central Kitchen
application next week

00:34:20.520 --> 00:34:23.729
but it\'s just like funny to you know

00:34:23.730 --> 00:34:26.339
compare yourself to you know
the people who you grew up with

00:34:26.340 --> 00:34:27.729
and what they\'re doing right now

00:34:27.730 --> 00:34:29.280
as opposed to what you\'re doing

00:34:30.122 --> 00:34:31.299
you know, they\'ve got good jobs

00:34:31.300 --> 00:34:34.339
and you know, are like building a life

00:34:34.340 --> 00:34:37.413
and you know, I\'m just
like got one brick right.

00:34:41.486 --> 00:34:44.319
(ladies chatting)

00:34:54.509 --> 00:34:56.229
- Why you gotta be in every shot?

00:34:56.230 --> 00:34:57.230
Come on.

00:35:13.323 --> 00:35:15.479
- Ladies, check in is very important,

00:35:15.480 --> 00:35:18.603
nine o\'clock I want everybody
at the table, all right.

00:35:20.640 --> 00:35:24.189
- Okay the eighth step offers a big chance

00:35:24.190 --> 00:35:27.569
from a life dominated
by guilt and remorse.

00:35:27.570 --> 00:35:30.639
Remorse was one of the
feelings that kept us using.

00:35:30.640 --> 00:35:33.189
We had stumbled our way
through active addiction,

00:35:33.190 --> 00:35:35.759
leaving a trail of
heartbreak and devastation

00:35:35.760 --> 00:35:37.283
too painful to consider.

00:35:40.230 --> 00:35:43.899
That made me feel some type of
way, I\'m not even gonna lie.

00:35:43.900 --> 00:35:45.159
Cause,

00:35:45.160 --> 00:35:47.359
we leave a lot of, like it said,

00:35:47.360 --> 00:35:50.649
we leave a lot of
heartbreak and desperation

00:35:50.650 --> 00:35:55.650
and it\'s bad, the things that
I did when I was addicted.

00:35:56.300 --> 00:35:59.369
And then having to come
to terms with all of them

00:35:59.370 --> 00:36:04.349
as a result of being sober
without a drug to numb it,

00:36:04.350 --> 00:36:06.209
and that\'s really hard for me,

00:36:06.210 --> 00:36:07.569
that\'s like one of the,

00:36:07.570 --> 00:36:09.649
I have a hard time showing emotions,

00:36:09.650 --> 00:36:11.519
dealing with emotions

00:36:11.520 --> 00:36:15.109
and that\'s why I\'m excited to
start working the 12 steps,

00:36:15.110 --> 00:36:17.133
got me a sponsor this morning so.

00:36:19.183 --> 00:36:20.879
- You know once you\'re clean and sober,

00:36:20.880 --> 00:36:21.909
you know you\'ll start to realize that

00:36:21.910 --> 00:36:24.729
the people that really love
you and really care about you

00:36:24.730 --> 00:36:26.379
will forgive you for those things

00:36:26.380 --> 00:36:28.299
that you can\'t seem to
forgive yourself for

00:36:28.300 --> 00:36:29.749
or that you\'ve convinced yourself that,

00:36:29.750 --> 00:36:31.439
they will not forgive you for.

00:36:31.440 --> 00:36:33.159
- It\'s talking about here,

00:36:33.160 --> 00:36:36.189
facing it squarely so you can
use it as a stepping tool,

00:36:36.190 --> 00:36:37.749
you know to get further

00:36:37.750 --> 00:36:40.209
instead of letting it
keep dragging you back.

00:36:40.210 --> 00:36:41.359
And that\'s what I\'m working on

00:36:41.360 --> 00:36:42.869
is being just more self aware

00:36:42.870 --> 00:36:45.770
and realizing when we\'re more
sort of when guilt comes up.

00:36:47.160 --> 00:36:49.539
You know what I mean, just
to be honest with yourself,

00:36:49.540 --> 00:36:52.179
with myself is really helping me

00:36:52.180 --> 00:36:54.299
instead of lying to myself
and saying it\'s okay

00:36:54.300 --> 00:36:56.259
or using whatever excuses

00:36:56.260 --> 00:36:57.939
you know just to make me
feel better for that second.

00:36:57.940 --> 00:36:59.789
- These women in some cases

00:36:59.790 --> 00:37:02.569
have been almost lifelong drug addicts

00:37:02.570 --> 00:37:04.879
and so they\'ve never felt pain,

00:37:04.880 --> 00:37:07.239
because they had numbed it with drugs.

00:37:07.240 --> 00:37:09.049
And so part of the self awareness

00:37:09.050 --> 00:37:11.449
is the fact that they are here now,

00:37:11.450 --> 00:37:15.189
they are not using drugs and a lot of time

00:37:15.190 --> 00:37:17.433
it freaks them out because they\'re like,

00:37:18.800 --> 00:37:20.313
I\'ve never been here.

00:37:22.260 --> 00:37:25.019
And the staff has to really
help them to understand that

00:37:25.020 --> 00:37:27.099
it\'s not a bad space that they\'re in,

00:37:27.100 --> 00:37:28.809
but it\'s a space where
they\'re gonna find out

00:37:28.810 --> 00:37:31.439
a lot of new things about themselves

00:37:31.440 --> 00:37:35.699
because they not looked at it in so long.

00:37:35.700 --> 00:37:38.459
- It\'s just all I can
do is just keep trying.

00:37:38.460 --> 00:37:40.609
- You know one of the
biggest challenges we have

00:37:40.610 --> 00:37:42.891
is trying to convince people

00:37:42.892 --> 00:37:45.299
that they are in a safe
enough environment now,

00:37:45.300 --> 00:37:47.459
that they can unpack little by little

00:37:47.460 --> 00:37:50.949
some of that stuff that\'s
just been eating them alive,

00:37:50.950 --> 00:37:53.359
you know, and I\'ve asked
the women before like,

00:37:53.360 --> 00:37:56.029
what would it feel like
for you to quit running

00:37:56.030 --> 00:37:59.259
for five minutes from
that little thing that\'s,

00:37:59.260 --> 00:38:01.523
you know, nipping at your heels.

00:38:03.490 --> 00:38:06.683
Sometime you gotta stop
and face that stuff.

00:38:10.940 --> 00:38:12.729
- We\'re gonna get started right now.

00:38:12.730 --> 00:38:13.959
I know there are some people missing

00:38:13.960 --> 00:38:16.333
They\'ll just trickle in it\'s no big deal.

00:38:18.839 --> 00:38:20.069
So what a genogram is,

00:38:20.070 --> 00:38:25.070
is a visual representation
kind of like a family tree.

00:38:25.420 --> 00:38:28.539
And it can go into the
relationship with your family

00:38:28.540 --> 00:38:30.993
and it can go into you know,

00:38:32.410 --> 00:38:35.409
more advanced one goes
into health, mental health,

00:38:35.410 --> 00:38:37.119
if you have any substance
abuse in the past,

00:38:37.120 --> 00:38:37.953
things like that.

00:38:37.954 --> 00:38:41.219
It\'s to kind of help you
identify what\'s going on.

00:38:41.220 --> 00:38:43.661
- I\'m tryna figure out
which way is the best way

00:38:43.662 --> 00:38:47.411
to get my family on this piece of paper.

00:38:47.412 --> 00:38:49.162
This way or this way.

00:38:51.403 --> 00:38:53.779
- Okay so I was in foster care and adopted

00:38:53.780 --> 00:38:54.698
and all that stuff,

00:38:54.699 --> 00:38:57.099
so I\'m just putting like
my biological family

00:38:57.100 --> 00:38:58.939
cause I don\'t talk to my
foster parents any more.

00:38:58.940 --> 00:39:00.125
- Okay.

00:39:00.126 --> 00:39:02.579
- And my first brother was born in \'55,

00:39:02.580 --> 00:39:04.999
then they were kind of stair steppers,

00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:08.306
it was \'55, \'56, \'57, \'58 and \'59,

00:39:08.307 --> 00:39:11.359
and then it was Curl and
Shirl, Charles, Rose, Joyce,

00:39:11.360 --> 00:39:12.473
Wilbert then me,

00:39:13.350 --> 00:39:18.029
and they kind of got
married and they had kids,

00:39:18.030 --> 00:39:21.079
so I have, I didn\'t finish
writing them all down,

00:39:21.080 --> 00:39:23.419
36 nieces and nephews.

00:39:23.420 --> 00:39:26.849
And the 36 nieces and nephews,

00:39:26.850 --> 00:39:28.639
six of them are older than I am,

00:39:28.640 --> 00:39:30.529
and oh I forgot,

00:39:30.530 --> 00:39:35.339
2010 I had a baby but the
baby died during birth,

00:39:35.340 --> 00:39:36.340
I had a still born.

00:39:38.100 --> 00:39:40.129
- My sister and I just
recently reconnected,

00:39:40.130 --> 00:39:41.653
like right before I came here.

00:39:42.850 --> 00:39:45.259
My twin brother and I have not spoken

00:39:45.260 --> 00:39:47.829
in probably over three years,

00:39:47.830 --> 00:39:49.119
he won\'t speak to me right now.

00:39:49.120 --> 00:39:51.599
But I definitely want
to make amends with him,

00:39:51.600 --> 00:39:54.159
and my older brother just
hasn\'t ever lived near us

00:39:54.160 --> 00:39:55.459
cause he\'s, I mean I lived in Richmond

00:39:55.460 --> 00:39:56.400
and she\'s been in DC,

00:39:56.401 --> 00:39:58.719
so I have never met his
wife or his daughter.

00:39:58.720 --> 00:40:03.353
- Now what do you guys think
the benefit of the genogram is?

00:40:04.290 --> 00:40:06.719
How do you guys think it would be helpful,

00:40:06.720 --> 00:40:08.129
with your recovery?

00:40:08.130 --> 00:40:10.899
- I noticed that everybody
at one point in their life

00:40:10.900 --> 00:40:13.989
with the exception of
a couple of them used,

00:40:13.990 --> 00:40:16.039
and I\'ve got one sister who\'s like

00:40:16.040 --> 00:40:17.399
she did absolutely nothing.

00:40:17.400 --> 00:40:20.919
A couple of them went to jail
for some reason or another,

00:40:20.920 --> 00:40:22.069
including me.

00:40:22.070 --> 00:40:23.010
Which is you know,

00:40:23.011 --> 00:40:25.009
something we used to get
together and joke about.

00:40:25.010 --> 00:40:26.589
Say something about those Browns,

00:40:26.590 --> 00:40:28.249
all the Browns go to jail.

00:40:28.250 --> 00:40:32.500
James Brown, Chris Brown,
Cindy Brown, Percy Brown,

00:40:33.663 --> 00:40:34.891
all them Browns go to jail.

00:40:34.892 --> 00:40:36.896
So I\'m just saying like,

00:40:36.897 --> 00:40:39.859
but it\'s something,
it\'s a pattern you see.

00:40:39.860 --> 00:40:44.659
- A pattern in my family is
all the ladies are addicts,

00:40:44.660 --> 00:40:45.493
right.

00:40:45.494 --> 00:40:47.919
So my grandfather is a judge,

00:40:47.920 --> 00:40:51.329
his wife, she had some kind of
eating disorder or something

00:40:51.330 --> 00:40:54.279
but she took a lot of speed
so she would be skinny, right.

00:40:54.280 --> 00:40:57.949
And then my dad is like the
sane half of my parents,

00:40:57.950 --> 00:41:01.429
like he\'s all good you know, simple life,

00:41:01.430 --> 00:41:02.839
you know normal stuff.

00:41:02.840 --> 00:41:06.009
And then my mom was
crazy and a drug addict,

00:41:06.010 --> 00:41:08.029
like biker lady right.

00:41:08.030 --> 00:41:09.283
And then my brother,

00:41:10.930 --> 00:41:13.899
my brother is the normal one

00:41:13.900 --> 00:41:16.729
and then I\'m the one that
got in all the trouble.

00:41:16.730 --> 00:41:18.219
- So you think the
pattern was the females,

00:41:18.220 --> 00:41:21.093
in you having an issue with addiction.

00:41:22.880 --> 00:41:25.969
- Well my mom left me and my
brother and someone\'s house

00:41:25.970 --> 00:41:28.569
and didn\'t come back when I was nine.

00:41:28.570 --> 00:41:31.469
Got put into foster
care, into a huge family.

00:41:31.470 --> 00:41:33.213
We got adopted when I was 11.

00:41:34.070 --> 00:41:35.349
They were terrible,

00:41:35.350 --> 00:41:38.929
they were abusive, it was just
a really shitty situation.

00:41:38.930 --> 00:41:41.429
I had a miscarriage, my brother\'s married,

00:41:41.430 --> 00:41:43.949
and my parents are divorced.

00:41:43.950 --> 00:41:44.989
When I turned 18,

00:41:44.990 --> 00:41:47.219
went to go find my mom,

00:41:47.220 --> 00:41:48.759
I found her.

00:41:48.760 --> 00:41:50.239
She was doing drugs you know,

00:41:50.240 --> 00:41:52.023
and I started doing drugs with her.

00:41:55.800 --> 00:41:57.659
We started smoking crack together

00:41:57.660 --> 00:41:59.209
and went on a couple of binges,

00:41:59.210 --> 00:42:02.759
we went drinking, she got arrested,

00:42:02.760 --> 00:42:03.893
got back out.

00:42:06.710 --> 00:42:09.839
I mean it was crazy.

00:42:09.840 --> 00:42:14.299
So maybe part of me looking back was like,

00:42:14.300 --> 00:42:16.459
let me see what\'s so good about drugs

00:42:16.460 --> 00:42:18.349
that you know, you dropped your kids off

00:42:18.350 --> 00:42:20.377
and never came back, you know.

00:42:22.627 --> 00:42:24.699
And probably I just
wanted to connect with her

00:42:24.700 --> 00:42:26.663
and that\'s just what she was doing so.

00:42:31.142 --> 00:42:33.103
I was just gone from then on.

00:42:38.515 --> 00:42:39.400
- It\'s all me.

00:42:39.400 --> 00:42:40.360
- You shouldn\'t lift it,

00:42:40.361 --> 00:42:41.973
you shouldn\'t have to do nothing,

00:42:43.080 --> 00:42:43.913
I got the other side.

00:42:43.914 --> 00:42:45.163
- One, two, three.

00:42:52.850 --> 00:42:55.400
- You gotta put the plate
back in here you hear me.

00:42:56.340 --> 00:42:57.672
- It\'s gone be clean when
she put it back in there.

00:42:57.673 --> 00:42:58.993
- I know, I see.

00:43:03.000 --> 00:43:04.200
- Now where your camera?

00:43:07.690 --> 00:43:08.690
- I like it.

00:43:09.873 --> 00:43:12.119
- Hey girl, hey.

00:43:12.120 --> 00:43:12.953
Here take a picture.

00:43:12.954 --> 00:43:15.099
- It don\'t go good with your
outfit though, they clash.

00:43:15.100 --> 00:43:16.823
- It\'s okay, I clash anyway.

00:43:27.350 --> 00:43:28.629
- Whenever she disagree,

00:43:28.630 --> 00:43:30.889
whenever she made herself
not available to me

00:43:30.890 --> 00:43:32.599
because she was doing wrong.

00:43:32.600 --> 00:43:33.709
She wouldn\'t come around me,

00:43:33.710 --> 00:43:35.860
never come around when
she was doing wrong.

00:43:36.960 --> 00:43:38.373
- It was very scary.

00:43:40.610 --> 00:43:42.909
Looking for her on Facebook or

00:43:42.910 --> 00:43:45.979
looking for her to find
out where she\'s at.

00:43:45.980 --> 00:43:47.930
If she\'s all right, or what\'s going on.

00:43:49.260 --> 00:43:50.939
Just didn\'t know.

00:43:50.940 --> 00:43:53.662
- You know we worry about
people when we don\'t see them,

00:43:53.663 --> 00:43:56.709
when we not around them
especially when they\'re loved ones

00:43:56.710 --> 00:44:00.523
because you know, to see her
going that route is not good.

00:44:02.180 --> 00:44:04.819
But I\'m glad she, you
know doing better now,

00:44:04.820 --> 00:44:07.069
and all I hope is that
she continue to do better

00:44:07.070 --> 00:44:09.419
and reach her goals.

00:44:09.420 --> 00:44:10.619
- Hearing them talk like that,

00:44:10.620 --> 00:44:13.969
not knowing where I was or not
knowing if I was still alive

00:44:13.970 --> 00:44:15.149
and all that good stuff,

00:44:15.150 --> 00:44:18.653
like that\'s hard because you just,

00:44:20.120 --> 00:44:21.209
I don\'t know I went through a point

00:44:21.210 --> 00:44:23.449
where I didn\'t think that any
of my family cared about me

00:44:23.450 --> 00:44:25.939
but it\'s just all like
how you perceive stuff.

00:44:25.940 --> 00:44:28.952
It\'s my perception of what it was,

00:44:28.953 --> 00:44:31.209
just not what it actually was.

00:44:31.210 --> 00:44:33.059
So knowing you know, just hearing that

00:44:33.060 --> 00:44:34.109
they were worried about me

00:44:34.110 --> 00:44:37.729
and as much as I didn\'t
keep in contact, you know,

00:44:37.730 --> 00:44:40.439
it\'s just hard knowing that

00:44:40.440 --> 00:44:42.659
I put them through something like that,

00:44:42.660 --> 00:44:43.660
so it\'s hard,

00:44:44.630 --> 00:44:45.630
it\'s hard.

00:44:46.645 --> 00:44:48.419
- As long as you\'re doing
right, I got your back.

00:44:48.420 --> 00:44:49.253
And I mean it,

00:44:49.254 --> 00:44:51.689
as long as you\'re doing
right I got your back,

00:44:51.690 --> 00:44:53.799
from now until the day I\'m gone,

00:44:53.800 --> 00:44:54.800
I got your back.

00:44:56.110 --> 00:44:58.349
The only thing I ask you is what?

00:44:58.350 --> 00:45:00.659
Don\'t go back to your old
ways when you get out,

00:45:00.660 --> 00:45:02.450
don\'t go back to your old ways.

00:45:03.930 --> 00:45:06.939
- I see her doing what she doing now,

00:45:06.940 --> 00:45:07.940
just being great.

00:45:09.970 --> 00:45:12.220
Being the same person
that she\'s always been.

00:45:14.720 --> 00:45:18.703
Bubbly, life of the party, creative.

00:45:20.860 --> 00:45:22.759
I know she got that culinary thing going

00:45:22.760 --> 00:45:24.103
I know she gone do well with that

00:45:24.104 --> 00:45:26.437
cause everybody like to eat.

00:45:41.920 --> 00:45:46.913
- This move has got me
all discombobulated.

00:45:48.352 --> 00:45:50.623
I know it\'s just a bitter sweet moment.

00:45:51.490 --> 00:45:52.490
So,

00:45:53.350 --> 00:45:57.159
and then trying to pack everything is

00:45:57.160 --> 00:45:59.489
really, really,

00:45:59.490 --> 00:46:00.490
hectic.

00:46:01.950 --> 00:46:04.749
They move you over to
Sheffield when you have a job

00:46:04.750 --> 00:46:07.229
or you\'re going to school and you have,

00:46:07.230 --> 00:46:10.389
your schedule is not based
around the classes here.

00:46:10.390 --> 00:46:12.709
Once you get kinda
familiar with everything

00:46:12.710 --> 00:46:15.559
and you have a routine and a schedule,

00:46:15.560 --> 00:46:16.659
they move you to Sheffield.

00:46:16.660 --> 00:46:20.629
So it\'s like, it\'s almost like phasing up,

00:46:20.630 --> 00:46:22.319
like you went through one phase,

00:46:22.320 --> 00:46:24.349
and I\'m getting to the next phase

00:46:24.350 --> 00:46:28.769
and this is the hard part
about the phases because

00:46:28.770 --> 00:46:30.983
you move and someone, it\'s like,

00:46:32.440 --> 00:46:33.979
even though I know the people there,

00:46:33.980 --> 00:46:37.629
it\'s still going to be
like be in a new area,

00:46:37.630 --> 00:46:38.653
a new place.

00:46:43.750 --> 00:46:44.750
- Get off of me

00:46:45.450 --> 00:46:46.814
- You\'ll be okay here.

00:46:46.815 --> 00:46:47.815
- I know.

00:46:56.770 --> 00:46:57.959
- If I was to relapse,

00:46:57.960 --> 00:47:01.403
it would feel like letting myself down.

00:47:03.130 --> 00:47:05.069
I would feel like a failure,

00:47:05.070 --> 00:47:09.579
I would feel like I didn\'t
take the opportunity

00:47:09.580 --> 00:47:12.009
to get myself together
when it was given to me.

00:47:12.010 --> 00:47:13.120
So this is me.

00:47:23.550 --> 00:47:25.919
It means letting down those people

00:47:25.920 --> 00:47:28.383
who fought so much to get me here.

00:47:33.162 --> 00:47:35.745
- Go put yourself all together.

00:47:40.383 --> 00:47:42.149
See you was talking about
me being a cry baby.

00:47:42.150 --> 00:47:43.521
- Because you already know I\'m a cry baby,

00:47:43.522 --> 00:47:45.239
but everybody doesn\'t
know you\'re a cry baby.

00:47:45.240 --> 00:47:46.151
See you later.

00:47:46.152 --> 00:47:47.583
- I\'ll see you later.

00:48:02.930 --> 00:48:05.430
- I don\'t know if I would
have a second run in me,

00:48:07.140 --> 00:48:09.043
because I\'m not old,

00:48:11.170 --> 00:48:12.170
but,

00:48:13.020 --> 00:48:16.199
the feeling of oldness is there

00:48:16.200 --> 00:48:18.393
that I\'m too old to do this,

00:48:19.229 --> 00:48:22.403
I\'m too old to not have it together.

00:48:52.726 --> 00:48:55.306
- Waking up early 5:30,

00:48:55.307 --> 00:48:58.579
I feel like a responsible adult.

00:48:58.580 --> 00:48:59.763
It is very exciting.

00:49:00.920 --> 00:49:03.423
Now I feel like I\'m not doing enough.

00:49:05.230 --> 00:49:06.930
I have a lot of catching up to do.

00:49:17.800 --> 00:49:19.489
My case manager called me downstairs

00:49:19.490 --> 00:49:21.129
and she\'s like I need to talk
to you, it\'s nothing bad.

00:49:21.130 --> 00:49:22.159
And I was like,

00:49:22.160 --> 00:49:23.969
I feel like it\'s something
bad, you know what I\'m saying.

00:49:23.970 --> 00:49:25.832
And so I went in there, she\'s like,

00:49:25.833 --> 00:49:28.899
I want you to figure out
what\'s going on with your warrants

00:49:28.900 --> 00:49:30.989
and go meet your P.O. today,

00:49:30.990 --> 00:49:33.040
and you\'re moving to Sheffield on Monday.

00:49:39.110 --> 00:49:41.613
I\'m anxious about it because you know,

00:49:42.850 --> 00:49:44.849
I mean I\'m on the right
track and everything

00:49:44.850 --> 00:49:47.889
and I just know that I\'m
like super safe here,

00:49:47.890 --> 00:49:49.159
you know what I\'m saying.

00:49:49.160 --> 00:49:51.099
Like I got a lot of support,

00:49:51.100 --> 00:49:52.389
I\'ll still have a lot of support there

00:49:52.390 --> 00:49:55.119
but there won\'t be so
many people working there

00:49:55.120 --> 00:49:56.619
and like,

00:49:56.620 --> 00:49:58.579
it\'s a different crowd of girls you know,

00:49:58.580 --> 00:49:59.803
I know a couple of them.

00:50:03.870 --> 00:50:05.393
I\'m nervous and excited, yeah.

00:50:44.920 --> 00:50:46.919
- I think this is the
best part of the weekend

00:50:46.920 --> 00:50:48.899
being able to put on some hair,

00:50:48.900 --> 00:50:50.999
look different for a little while.

00:50:51.000 --> 00:50:53.422
Socially I just kinda, I don\'t know,

00:50:53.423 --> 00:50:55.553
I just kinda stayed to myself.

00:50:56.570 --> 00:50:58.109
I just kinda have been keeping to myself

00:50:58.110 --> 00:51:01.989
and just knowing that sometimes,

00:51:01.990 --> 00:51:03.609
keeping to yourself is better.

00:51:03.610 --> 00:51:08.003
It definitely cuts down
on gossip and on tempers.

00:51:09.910 --> 00:51:12.389
We never technically broke up,

00:51:12.390 --> 00:51:14.563
so I guess he\'s still my boyfriend.

00:51:15.870 --> 00:51:18.859
But soon as I leave out of here,

00:51:18.860 --> 00:51:20.819
I\'ll probably call him

00:51:20.820 --> 00:51:22.703
and see what\'s going on with him.

00:51:24.670 --> 00:51:26.899
I\'m such a pushover for
when it comes to love

00:51:26.900 --> 00:51:30.109
and I\'m wiling to give those that I love

00:51:30.110 --> 00:51:31.983
always a second chance.

00:51:35.448 --> 00:51:37.139
But knowing how to cut your losses

00:51:37.140 --> 00:51:39.033
and say well this isn\'t working.

00:51:41.020 --> 00:51:42.729
Guess I got everything,

00:51:42.730 --> 00:51:44.119
lighter, I got my shades,

00:51:44.120 --> 00:51:46.533
I got my smell goods.

00:51:49.240 --> 00:51:51.569
That\'s why it\'s still
such a good thing for me

00:51:51.570 --> 00:51:52.999
that I\'m still up here

00:51:53.000 --> 00:51:54.809
and I still have time in the program

00:51:54.810 --> 00:51:58.118
because going back to that

00:51:58.119 --> 00:52:00.883
is not something I wanna
do and he already knows it.

00:52:12.431 --> 00:52:14.509
- See the difference.

00:52:14.510 --> 00:52:16.519
It\'s more elegant and
you charge more for that.

00:52:16.520 --> 00:52:19.159
It just has a cleaner, more refined look

00:52:19.160 --> 00:52:19.993
when you do that.

00:52:19.994 --> 00:52:21.369
Give it a shot, try it today.

00:52:21.370 --> 00:52:22.949
But you\'re using the base of the knife,

00:52:22.950 --> 00:52:25.713
just bringing the knife
around the bone, okay.

00:52:26.820 --> 00:52:30.089
So right, this is part
of your practical exams

00:52:30.090 --> 00:52:32.149
so today it\'s very important
that you do individual work

00:52:32.150 --> 00:52:34.943
but you support each
other as a team, okay.

00:52:38.967 --> 00:52:41.139
- And get rid of all this fat though.

00:52:41.140 --> 00:52:44.463
My other one came off nice and easy.

00:52:46.858 --> 00:52:47.858
I see you running.

00:52:50.290 --> 00:52:51.290
Yeah I\'m good.

00:53:05.490 --> 00:53:07.799
- We had self empowerment in the morning.

00:53:07.800 --> 00:53:11.609
So they say it\'s like life
skills and knife skills class.

00:53:11.610 --> 00:53:13.849
So that when you go in the kitchen

00:53:13.850 --> 00:53:15.429
and you\'re handling a sharp knife,

00:53:15.430 --> 00:53:16.603
you\'re not like angry.

00:53:20.760 --> 00:53:22.199
I cut myself one day,

00:53:22.200 --> 00:53:23.296
because I had had like a bad day,

00:53:23.297 --> 00:53:26.169
and I was frustrated and
the knife just slipped

00:53:26.170 --> 00:53:28.049
I cut my finger and I went
and had to get stitches

00:53:28.050 --> 00:53:29.010
and everything.

00:53:29.011 --> 00:53:31.719
But it was a learning experience because

00:53:31.720 --> 00:53:33.749
I know that if I had just
like taken a step back

00:53:33.750 --> 00:53:35.509
and like taken a deep breath

00:53:35.510 --> 00:53:37.959
before I went in there and
started cutting the onions

00:53:37.960 --> 00:53:39.699
and not been frustrated,

00:53:39.700 --> 00:53:40.833
it wouldn\'t have happened.

00:53:47.620 --> 00:53:49.329
- Cut through, pull it off,

00:53:49.330 --> 00:53:52.833
you got the moisture, very good job.

00:53:53.920 --> 00:53:56.339
- Been hearing a lot of
like really positive things

00:53:56.340 --> 00:53:57.759
about myself from people lately,

00:53:57.760 --> 00:54:00.899
so I\'m not used to
hearing stuff like that.

00:54:00.900 --> 00:54:03.809
People at school come
up to me and like say

00:54:03.810 --> 00:54:06.269
like man you\'re such a positive person,

00:54:06.270 --> 00:54:09.069
or that they look up to
me in class and stuff

00:54:09.070 --> 00:54:11.109
and then like now that I\'m aware of it,

00:54:11.110 --> 00:54:14.469
it makes me motivated to
keep being that person.

00:54:14.470 --> 00:54:15.570
So it makes me better.

00:54:25.617 --> 00:54:26.667
- It\'s seven o\'clock.

00:54:28.033 --> 00:54:28.866
- Hello.

00:54:28.866 --> 00:54:29.699
- Long time no see.

00:54:29.699 --> 00:54:30.699
- Hey Grace,

00:54:31.900 --> 00:54:33.679
are you cooking today?

00:54:33.680 --> 00:54:34.540
- I don\'t know maybe.

00:54:34.541 --> 00:54:36.191
- Are you going straight to the kitchen.

00:54:36.192 --> 00:54:38.168
- Probably so.
- Okay.

00:54:38.169 --> 00:54:39.769
- Let me set my bags down first.

00:54:47.710 --> 00:54:48.769
- Are you going to the kitchen?

00:54:48.770 --> 00:54:50.423
- I\'m always going to the kitchen.

00:54:50.424 --> 00:54:52.591
- Oh thank you, thank you.

00:55:00.236 --> 00:55:01.090
- Good evening.

00:55:01.091 --> 00:55:02.199
- Happy birthday to you.

00:55:02.200 --> 00:55:03.823
- Thank you, thank you.

00:55:04.710 --> 00:55:05.710
How\'s everyone?

00:55:08.609 --> 00:55:09.442
It\'s hot.

00:55:09.443 --> 00:55:11.349
- You\'re looking like a chef.

00:55:11.350 --> 00:55:12.479
- I don\'t feel like a chef.

00:55:12.480 --> 00:55:13.999
- A pretty one at that.

00:55:14.000 --> 00:55:16.083
I\'ll let you take the picture.

00:55:16.084 --> 00:55:17.716
- Oh they\'re cupcakes.

00:55:17.717 --> 00:55:18.717
- Yes.

00:55:23.240 --> 00:55:24.779
- I wanted to make it to my meeting

00:55:24.780 --> 00:55:27.489
cause this is the first birthday I\'ve had,

00:55:27.490 --> 00:55:28.950
sober and clean in

00:55:31.758 --> 00:55:32.758
27 years.

00:55:34.546 --> 00:55:35.812
So,

00:55:35.813 --> 00:55:38.099
and I\'m seven months clean yesterday.

00:55:38.100 --> 00:55:40.099
Today is my birthday so,

00:55:40.100 --> 00:55:40.987
thank you.

00:55:40.988 --> 00:55:42.337
- Everything\'s working out.

00:55:45.830 --> 00:55:47.559
- Oh shit you got new hair?

00:55:47.560 --> 00:55:48.560
- I know right.

00:55:50.145 --> 00:55:50.978
It looked like,

00:55:50.979 --> 00:55:52.469
you know when I took it out of the bag

00:55:52.470 --> 00:55:54.760
I said oh, Cousin It!

00:55:58.670 --> 00:55:59.640
- No seriously though,

00:55:59.641 --> 00:56:01.770
remember that day you weren\'t here.

00:56:02.710 --> 00:56:04.319
I woke up in the middle
of the night so hot,

00:56:04.320 --> 00:56:07.989
like oh man Maddison wasn\'t
here to turn the heat on.

00:56:07.990 --> 00:56:09.740
Cause I\'ve just never had to do it.

00:56:11.300 --> 00:56:14.110
- Yeah like the alarm
clock that you have to do.

00:56:17.240 --> 00:56:18.240
- Oh man.

00:56:24.650 --> 00:56:27.099
So I\'m starting to exercise,

00:56:27.100 --> 00:56:29.179
and I was out jogging

00:56:29.180 --> 00:56:31.999
and then this pretty
blonde lady was jogging

00:56:32.000 --> 00:56:35.229
coming the opposite way
and she smiled at me,

00:56:35.230 --> 00:56:38.599
like I wasn\'t a criminal or a drug addict,

00:56:38.600 --> 00:56:39.699
cause I guess you can\'t,

00:56:39.700 --> 00:56:41.769
she couldn\'t tell, you know.

00:56:41.770 --> 00:56:43.309
And that made me feel good you know,

00:56:43.310 --> 00:56:46.463
that made me feel like I
can be part of society.

00:56:48.920 --> 00:56:50.739
What I was feeling was
I don\'t belong here,

00:56:50.740 --> 00:56:52.563
I\'m not good enough to be like her.

00:56:54.030 --> 00:56:55.809
Really just what I struggle
with is confidence,

00:56:55.810 --> 00:56:58.959
like that I can actually do these things

00:56:58.960 --> 00:57:00.009
that normal people do,

00:57:00.010 --> 00:57:02.655
like hold a job or go to school,

00:57:02.656 --> 00:57:03.656
you know what I mean.

00:57:11.360 --> 00:57:12.360
Think I got it.

00:57:16.600 --> 00:57:17.433
- You\'re leaving.

00:57:17.434 --> 00:57:18.879
- I don\'t wanna talk to you either.

00:57:18.880 --> 00:57:19.880
- I\'m sad.

00:57:20.596 --> 00:57:21.849
You know the thing where
you push people away

00:57:21.850 --> 00:57:22.939
cause they\'re leaving.

00:57:22.940 --> 00:57:23.773
- Yeah.

00:57:23.773 --> 00:57:24.634
- I didn\'t do that with you

00:57:24.635 --> 00:57:26.779
cause I just didn\'t
think about you leaving.

00:57:26.780 --> 00:57:28.719
I\'ll be over here though.

00:57:28.720 --> 00:57:30.043
- I\'ll be over here though.

00:57:31.020 --> 00:57:31.853
Okay bye.

00:57:31.853 --> 00:57:32.686
- I know you\'re not you\'re not
even gonna come to the house

00:57:32.687 --> 00:57:34.209
cause you don\'t have
any classes over there

00:57:34.210 --> 00:57:35.079
or anything.

00:57:35.080 --> 00:57:37.885
- We can facetime it\'s okay.

00:57:37.886 --> 00:57:38.719
- Okay.

00:57:38.719 --> 00:57:39.552
- It\'s the same.

00:57:39.553 --> 00:57:40.887
- I love you.
- I love you too.

00:57:43.520 --> 00:57:45.579
Get Ms. Dallice to take you out to eat.

00:57:45.580 --> 00:57:48.099
- I\'m working on that,
I\'m working on that.

00:57:48.100 --> 00:57:50.709
- Ms. Dallice my friend is famished,

00:57:50.710 --> 00:57:52.539
she hasn\'t eaten all day.

00:57:52.540 --> 00:57:54.946
- Who, she\'ll get over it.

00:57:54.947 --> 00:57:56.783
She works at a kitchen.

00:57:58.670 --> 00:57:59.503
- Love you.

00:57:59.504 --> 00:58:01.490
- Okay, I\'m sure I\'ll see
you tomorrow, probably.

00:58:01.491 --> 00:58:02.471
- Love you too Maddison.

00:58:02.472 --> 00:58:05.270
- Okay, okay love you too Maddison.

00:58:05.271 --> 00:58:06.271
- Thank you.

00:58:08.567 --> 00:58:10.919
All right bye guys.

00:58:10.920 --> 00:58:12.549
- Bye, this is so awkward and weird

00:58:12.550 --> 00:58:13.700
I don\'t want you to go.

00:58:16.029 --> 00:58:17.439
Come on just come back with me it\'s fine,

00:58:17.440 --> 00:58:18.639
just come back.

00:58:18.640 --> 00:58:19.640
- No.

00:58:21.850 --> 00:58:23.108
Alright.

00:58:23.109 --> 00:58:23.942
- See you sweety.

00:58:23.942 --> 00:58:24.775
- See you guys.

00:58:24.775 --> 00:58:25.775
- Bye.
- Bye.

00:58:31.110 --> 00:58:32.110
Oh man.

00:58:42.047 --> 00:58:43.047
- All right.

00:58:44.050 --> 00:58:45.699
So, when we check the balance,

00:58:45.700 --> 00:58:47.403
there won\'t be any withdrawals.

00:58:52.110 --> 00:58:53.110
Sure.

00:58:54.470 --> 00:58:55.869
- Not from the card.

00:58:55.870 --> 00:58:58.379
- Not from the card, but
you went in the bank?

00:58:58.380 --> 00:59:00.012
How much did you withdraw?

00:59:00.013 --> 00:59:01.013
- $40

00:59:01.714 --> 00:59:02.714
- For what?

00:59:04.320 --> 00:59:07.489
- I went and got an alarm clock,

00:59:07.490 --> 00:59:10.140
because when Maddison moved
she took her alarm clock,

00:59:11.150 --> 00:59:12.150
and an umbrella

00:59:14.611 --> 00:59:16.198
and some cigarettes,

00:59:16.199 --> 00:59:19.217
and I\'m pretty sure I put some
money on my metro card too,

00:59:19.218 --> 00:59:20.309
a couple of times.

00:59:20.310 --> 00:59:23.149
- What you are supposed to do,

00:59:23.150 --> 00:59:26.289
is that your money is
supposed to come into us.

00:59:26.290 --> 00:59:28.633
If you receive money it
has to be through us,

00:59:29.970 --> 00:59:31.129
you understand.

00:59:31.130 --> 00:59:32.929
So you understand that you have violated

00:59:32.930 --> 00:59:34.435
the handbook correct?

00:59:34.436 --> 00:59:35.269
- Yes.

00:59:35.270 --> 00:59:37.209
- Okay, so this pass,

00:59:37.210 --> 00:59:38.360
will have to be denied.

00:59:40.300 --> 00:59:42.479
All right, so you\'re staying in today.

00:59:42.480 --> 00:59:43.313
- Okay.

00:59:43.314 --> 00:59:44.674
- Thank you for telling the truth.

01:00:00.060 --> 01:00:01.383
- It\'s the unknown.

01:00:03.060 --> 01:00:04.993
The unknown is always scary.

01:00:11.389 --> 01:00:13.306
I feel a little lonely.

01:00:14.740 --> 01:00:15.940
Nothing what\'s going on?

01:00:18.580 --> 01:00:20.169
I don\'t know I tried to call you yesterday

01:00:20.170 --> 01:00:22.083
but I didn\'t get no answer so.

01:00:26.261 --> 01:00:28.919
But you ain\'t never
answer my text yesterday

01:00:28.920 --> 01:00:30.070
so what\'s up with that?

01:00:34.220 --> 01:00:35.889
All right well I just
wanted to touch bases,

01:00:35.890 --> 01:00:37.839
I just needed to hear a familiar voice,

01:00:37.840 --> 01:00:39.439
part of the reason why I called my sister

01:00:39.440 --> 01:00:43.333
I\'m just having some
moving anxiety is all.

01:00:46.772 --> 01:00:48.093
All right I call you back,

01:00:49.130 --> 01:00:50.130
bye.

01:00:54.370 --> 01:00:55.533
That\'s my ex boyfriend.

01:00:57.760 --> 01:00:59.299
Cause when I called,

01:00:59.300 --> 01:01:01.629
he asked me to call him another day,

01:01:01.630 --> 01:01:03.439
and then when I called,

01:01:03.440 --> 01:01:06.839
I called all day just
to see what\'s going on

01:01:06.840 --> 01:01:09.069
cause he kept sending me call me\'s

01:01:09.070 --> 01:01:11.799
and he didn\'t pick up.

01:01:11.800 --> 01:01:14.089
And like I said old things,

01:01:14.090 --> 01:01:15.499
and that\'s what I was talking about,

01:01:15.500 --> 01:01:17.379
I shouldn\'t just assume that
that\'s what you\'re doing,

01:01:17.380 --> 01:01:18.819
but that\'s what I\'m used to you doing,

01:01:18.820 --> 01:01:20.079
is that when you\'re not picking up

01:01:20.080 --> 01:01:22.069
you\'re usually with someone else

01:01:22.070 --> 01:01:23.769
or you\'re getting high,

01:01:23.770 --> 01:01:26.479
and when he\'s getting high
he can\'t pick up the phone.

01:01:26.480 --> 01:01:29.699
He\'s got all kinds of ticks and tocks

01:01:29.700 --> 01:01:32.539
and mannerisms that cause him not to

01:01:32.540 --> 01:01:34.063
be able to talk on the phone.

01:01:43.140 --> 01:01:45.999
What happens when I actually
get to see him face to face

01:01:46.000 --> 01:01:48.859
and be there to touch him and everything.

01:01:48.860 --> 01:01:52.149
Like I\'m so used to using with him

01:01:52.150 --> 01:01:53.883
that I\'m afraid that,

01:01:55.820 --> 01:01:58.879
that seeing him I may relapse.

01:01:58.880 --> 01:02:00.069
That\'s a fear of mine,

01:02:00.070 --> 01:02:01.893
is seeing him then I may relapse.

01:02:04.080 --> 01:02:05.889
Recovery is hard in itself,

01:02:05.890 --> 01:02:09.243
but being in it by yourself is hard.

01:02:15.842 --> 01:02:18.092
(applause)

01:02:30.974 --> 01:02:33.921
- [Announcer] Ms. Grace Parkinson

01:02:33.922 --> 01:02:36.172
(applause)

01:02:47.790 --> 01:02:49.984
- Selena, this is my mom.

01:02:49.985 --> 01:02:52.318
- Hi, very nice to meet you.

01:02:53.710 --> 01:02:54.660
- Last time I saw her,

01:02:54.661 --> 01:02:56.269
she told my sister when
they left that day,

01:02:56.270 --> 01:02:59.193
that that\'s probably the last
time I\'ll ever see her alive.

01:03:02.530 --> 01:03:04.369
Like it\'s so sad for her to feel that way

01:03:04.370 --> 01:03:06.199
everyday of her life like that, you know,

01:03:06.200 --> 01:03:07.449
she\'s waiting for a phone call

01:03:07.450 --> 01:03:08.939
that\'s gonna tell her
that her daughter\'s dead

01:03:08.940 --> 01:03:09.830
or in jail again,

01:03:09.831 --> 01:03:11.559
and when I was in jail she\'d be happy.

01:03:11.560 --> 01:03:12.393
She\'s like I\'m sorry,

01:03:12.394 --> 01:03:14.554
but I\'m happy you\'re there
I know you\'re safe at least.

01:03:15.817 --> 01:03:17.879
Yeah and I didn\'t know she
was coming that\'s why I...

01:03:17.880 --> 01:03:21.169
But you know now she doesn\'t
have to feel that way,

01:03:21.170 --> 01:03:22.170
and that\'s amazing.

01:03:27.000 --> 01:03:28.879
Like I\'ve probably taken
years off of her life

01:03:28.880 --> 01:03:30.893
with all the worrying she\'s done about me.

01:03:33.910 --> 01:03:34.743
And that sucks to think about it,

01:03:34.744 --> 01:03:36.450
but like I never thought about it before.

01:03:39.840 --> 01:03:41.969
I hate that I put her through that,

01:03:41.970 --> 01:03:44.649
but I\'m just happy that
like she\'s still around now,

01:03:44.650 --> 01:03:46.109
so that you know she can see me now

01:03:46.110 --> 01:03:47.649
and that like we can fix it

01:03:47.650 --> 01:03:49.689
and that she\'s still
there and allowing me to

01:03:49.690 --> 01:03:50.690
do that with her.

01:04:26.330 --> 01:04:30.429
- So I was in jail from
September to February 14,

01:04:30.430 --> 01:04:32.583
and he got arrested December 1st.

01:04:34.360 --> 01:04:35.360
Yeah so,

01:04:37.190 --> 01:04:39.372
he\'s going to prison on Tuesday.

01:04:39.373 --> 01:04:40.373
- For how long?

01:04:41.460 --> 01:04:42.889
- Well he got seven years,

01:04:42.890 --> 01:04:45.329
but you know, Maryland is really like

01:04:45.330 --> 01:04:47.020
easy and sweet with time,

01:04:47.021 --> 01:04:48.062
you know what I\'m saying.

01:04:48.063 --> 01:04:49.969
- Definitely more sweet than Virginia.

01:04:49.970 --> 01:04:52.219
- Yeah I can\'t believe he\'s
getting out in freaking October

01:04:52.220 --> 01:04:53.053
because...

01:04:53.054 --> 01:04:54.399
- In October this year?

01:04:54.400 --> 01:04:55.992
- Yes y\'all, yeah.

01:04:55.993 --> 01:04:58.919
He had stolen pistols, illegal ammo,

01:04:58.920 --> 01:05:00.709
a shit load of heroin, shit load of crack.

01:05:00.710 --> 01:05:02.889
- If he had to just complete
half of his sentence.

01:05:02.890 --> 01:05:04.499
- Yeah, Maryland you do half time,

01:05:04.500 --> 01:05:06.199
and then with all his good
time when you go to prison

01:05:06.200 --> 01:05:09.460
you work and stuff so you get
extra good time on top of that

01:05:09.461 --> 01:05:10.294
you know what I\'m saying like.

01:05:10.295 --> 01:05:11.599
- Really, oh yeah and
then they take away days.

01:05:11.600 --> 01:05:13.299
- And then you know option for parole,

01:05:13.300 --> 01:05:14.919
you know what I\'m saying.

01:05:14.920 --> 01:05:15.860
- Oh my God.

01:05:15.861 --> 01:05:18.429
- Yeah, so like, we\'ve been
through a lot together,

01:05:18.430 --> 01:05:21.209
like three years, but I was always high

01:05:21.210 --> 01:05:22.749
and he\'s always the dope man
you know what I\'m saying,

01:05:22.750 --> 01:05:27.143
so I don\'t feel like he
really knows me, you know.

01:05:27.144 --> 01:05:28.459
- And you\'re doing so well right now.

01:05:28.460 --> 01:05:30.569
- I want someone way
more successful than me

01:05:30.570 --> 01:05:31.993
to keep it like running.

01:05:33.557 --> 01:05:35.769
- Yeah we were talking
about the 5:30am thing,

01:05:35.770 --> 01:05:36.710
I was like complaining
about getting up at 8.

01:05:36.711 --> 01:05:39.899
- Every day, Saturday, Sunday?

01:05:39.900 --> 01:05:41.809
- No, but I tried to sleep
in Saturday and Sunday

01:05:41.810 --> 01:05:43.239
but I can\'t sleep like past seven.

01:05:43.240 --> 01:05:45.259
- It\'s hard to once you wake
up and you get on the routine.

01:05:45.260 --> 01:05:46.986
- And the program I\'m in is I think

01:05:46.987 --> 01:05:48.769
either the only one for women

01:05:48.770 --> 01:05:50.479
or the biggest one in this area,

01:05:50.480 --> 01:05:51.555
and there\'s like so many women

01:05:51.556 --> 01:05:53.709
that don\'t have somewhere to go.

01:05:53.710 --> 01:05:54.543
- Yeah.

01:05:54.543 --> 01:05:55.376
- Like that, you know what I\'m saying.

01:05:55.377 --> 01:05:56.509
- Exactly, there\'s not enough support.

01:05:56.510 --> 01:05:57.809
- And for real if I would have got out,

01:05:57.810 --> 01:06:01.135
and just left to my own you know, self,

01:06:01.136 --> 01:06:02.799
I don\'t think I would make it.

01:06:02.800 --> 01:06:03.800
- It\'s hard.

01:06:04.860 --> 01:06:07.079
It\'s hard being like, to find
self discipline for yourself.

01:06:07.080 --> 01:06:09.039
- So I\'m like super supported,

01:06:09.040 --> 01:06:11.129
like if I have a question about anything

01:06:11.130 --> 01:06:14.079
there\'s always a monitor there
so I just ask them for help.

01:06:14.080 --> 01:06:19.039
The girls kind of blow
a lot but, you know.

01:06:19.040 --> 01:06:20.659
- It\'s just temporary though.

01:06:20.660 --> 01:06:21.949
- Yeah, I\'m saving money,

01:06:21.950 --> 01:06:22.920
I\'m freaking working like.

01:06:22.921 --> 01:06:24.759
- You\'re doing so well with your job,

01:06:24.760 --> 01:06:26.719
like you get like 30 by like...

01:06:26.720 --> 01:06:30.779
- The people that I work
with are like bougie,

01:06:30.780 --> 01:06:33.989
they\'re perfect and like they don\'t smoke

01:06:33.990 --> 01:06:36.649
and they don\'t cuss and
that also makes me feel good

01:06:36.650 --> 01:06:38.189
that I can come out on the other side

01:06:38.190 --> 01:06:40.623
and be able to work with normal people.

01:06:41.730 --> 01:06:44.309
It gives me, like, more confidence.

01:06:44.310 --> 01:06:47.043
- They should get more programs like that,

01:06:47.044 --> 01:06:48.804
because it helps recidivism
rates and stuff.

01:06:49.703 --> 01:06:52.703
- Yeah, and the program I\'m in is...

01:07:04.431 --> 01:07:06.119
And I feel like I\'m getting into a pattern

01:07:06.120 --> 01:07:08.020
and I like the habit that I\'m creating

01:07:11.050 --> 01:07:12.563
Feels good to be trusted too.

01:07:17.697 --> 01:07:19.579
And then my sponsor took me out yesterday

01:07:19.580 --> 01:07:20.413
and she was like,

01:07:20.414 --> 01:07:22.009
I don\'t even have to tell you
the next right thing to do

01:07:22.010 --> 01:07:24.079
cause I believe that
you\'re just gonna do it

01:07:24.080 --> 01:07:25.487
cause that\'s where your mind is.

01:07:25.488 --> 01:07:26.480
Should I bring a sweater too

01:07:26.481 --> 01:07:28.989
so I don\'t have to wear this
big jacket the whole time?

01:07:28.990 --> 01:07:31.453
- That\'s why I\'m wearing this
little one underneath it.

01:07:33.000 --> 01:07:35.099
- All right are we ready? I\'m ready.

01:07:35.100 --> 01:07:38.319
Another lie that has popped
up in my head is like

01:07:38.320 --> 01:07:39.509
I don\'t deserve this,

01:07:39.510 --> 01:07:40.979
I\'m not good enough for it,

01:07:40.980 --> 01:07:43.719
or my job\'s gonna find me out that I\'m not

01:07:43.720 --> 01:07:45.269
good enough, you know what
I\'m saying and fire me.

01:07:45.270 --> 01:07:46.749
But really,

01:07:46.750 --> 01:07:48.679
like they hired me cause they liked me

01:07:48.680 --> 01:07:49.949
and they knew I had no experience

01:07:49.950 --> 01:07:51.192
and I\'m really good, you
know what I\'m saying.

01:07:51.193 --> 01:07:52.293
Like I\'m good.

01:07:54.360 --> 01:07:57.589
So, like these lies, that
are embedded into my brain

01:07:57.590 --> 01:07:58.983
that I\'m like realizing.

01:08:01.290 --> 01:08:03.960
Like I\'m not worth it or I can\'t do it,

01:08:05.265 --> 01:08:06.463
are just lies.

01:08:09.900 --> 01:08:13.099
- In a country where we have
as many resources as we have

01:08:13.100 --> 01:08:15.109
and we have so much knowledge

01:08:15.110 --> 01:08:17.709
and so much treatment,

01:08:17.710 --> 01:08:20.729
we can do better for people.

01:08:20.730 --> 01:08:22.559
But there is always this group of people

01:08:22.560 --> 01:08:25.259
that we just let flounder.

01:08:25.260 --> 01:08:26.819
People that can\'t afford treatment,

01:08:26.820 --> 01:08:29.003
who don\'t have insurance for treatment.

01:08:30.640 --> 01:08:35.640
They\'re our children and
our sisters and our parents.

01:08:37.850 --> 01:08:39.063
They matter.

01:08:40.430 --> 01:08:44.469
It\'s just ridiculous to
think that as a community

01:08:44.470 --> 01:08:46.889
we can be whole and functioning

01:08:46.890 --> 01:08:50.769
and not care about a whole bunch of people

01:08:50.770 --> 01:08:52.323
who are suffering.

01:09:32.551 --> 01:09:35.017
- I love you too, thanks for a good day.

01:09:35.018 --> 01:09:37.101
Oh your hair smells good.

01:09:39.667 --> 01:09:41.084
Nice, I love you.

01:09:46.860 --> 01:09:50.180
- At first they said there
wasn\'t a job opening there

01:09:51.070 --> 01:09:54.119
and the next day she called me
back downstairs to her office

01:09:54.120 --> 01:09:56.529
and said that her staff kept coming to her

01:09:56.530 --> 01:09:57.809
and telling her how good I am,

01:09:57.810 --> 01:10:01.573
how fast I am and she said they said,

01:10:02.510 --> 01:10:04.919
she said that I won them
all over with my personality

01:10:04.920 --> 01:10:06.009
and they all liked me a lot

01:10:06.010 --> 01:10:08.359
and kept telling her that
she couldn\'t let me go.

01:10:08.360 --> 01:10:10.139
So that she checked her finances

01:10:10.140 --> 01:10:12.913
and she was gonna create
a position there for me.

01:10:23.379 --> 01:10:26.046
(gentle music)