WEBVTT

00:01:08.840 --> 00:01:11.380
So you\'re nineteen years old.

00:01:11.380 --> 00:01:14.840
Your church sends you to Guatemala for two years.

00:01:14.840 --> 00:01:18.430
When you get there,
you can\'t actually speak the language,

00:01:18.430 --> 00:01:20.640
but you have memorized some lessons –

00:01:20.640 --> 00:01:24.430
these hour long discussions about your religion.

00:01:24.430 --> 00:01:27.940
So there you are –
teaching people in erudite Spanish,

00:01:27.940 --> 00:01:31.070
but when they ask you a question,
you can\'t really answer them,

00:01:31.070 --> 00:01:34.320
because you don\'t actually speak Spanish.

00:01:34.320 --> 00:01:38.820
And you\'re giving people these lessons
so that they\'ll get baptized and join your church.

00:01:41.620 --> 00:01:44.700
Can a nineteen year old fully grasp
what all of this means?

00:01:47.040 --> 00:01:50.710
At the same time,
that\'s a pretty determined nineteen year old.

00:01:53.300 --> 00:01:57.970
I don\'t regret having been a missionary,
and I\'m glad that I went to Guatemala.

00:01:57.970 --> 00:02:01.680
I made lasting friendships
and learned important lessons.

00:02:01.680 --> 00:02:03.180
I\'m proud of what I did there.

00:02:03.180 --> 00:02:05.230
I acted in good faith.

00:02:05.230 --> 00:02:09.440
But I also have questions about it now, as I did then.

00:02:14.070 --> 00:02:15.820
Welcome to Guatemala.

00:02:15.820 --> 00:02:19.160
Please remain seated
and do not open the overhead bins

00:02:19.160 --> 00:02:24.410
until the aircraft has come to a complete stop
and the seatbelt sign has been turned off.

00:03:19.880 --> 00:03:23.470
Most Mormon boys grow up being taught
they\'ll serve a mission someday.

00:03:26.100 --> 00:03:30.350
They\'re encouraged to pray, study,
save their money, and prepare for the call.

00:03:34.610 --> 00:03:37.070
Those who don\'t go carry a stigma.

00:03:38.740 --> 00:03:40.610
I didn\'t want to feel that shame.

00:03:40.610 --> 00:03:43.620
So I never seriously considered
not going on a mission.

00:03:47.410 --> 00:03:49.950
But I was often afraid I\'d be found unworthy.

00:03:51.210 --> 00:03:54.210
Growing up, I had so many questions and doubts.

00:03:57.210 --> 00:03:59.010
When I turned nineteen,

00:03:59.010 --> 00:04:03.840
my older brother Tim
was already out serving a mission,

00:04:03.840 --> 00:04:09.600
and we had all grown up hearing my dad talk
about his mission to Guatemala in the 1950\'s,

00:04:09.600 --> 00:04:14.400
which he said was the one
of the most formative experience of his life.

00:04:14.400 --> 00:04:18.570
Some of his missionary companions
were still his best friends,

00:04:18.570 --> 00:04:22.860
and his stories about building
the church community from the ground up,

00:04:22.860 --> 00:04:25.950
playing – and beating –
Guatemala\'s national basketball team

00:04:25.950 --> 00:04:29.080
with a group of fellow missionaries,

00:04:29.080 --> 00:04:32.580
and traveling to remote parts of Central America,

00:04:32.580 --> 00:04:36.210
painted a vivid and appealing picture.

00:04:36.210 --> 00:04:40.960
So when I received a call to the same country,
we were all pretty excited,

00:04:40.960 --> 00:04:43.720
and I could tell that my dad was really proud.

00:04:45.010 --> 00:04:49.850
As my departure drew near,
I wanted to feel confident and ready,

00:04:49.850 --> 00:04:53.600
but inside I wondered if I was up to the task.

00:04:53.600 --> 00:04:58.110
I can hear this uncertainty in my farewell talk
to the local congregation.

00:04:58.110 --> 00:05:01.990
Um, when I thought about going on a mission...

00:05:01.990 --> 00:05:06.450
...I thought, well, I guess, I shouldn\'t go
because people want me to go,

00:05:06.450 --> 00:05:10.660
I shouldn\'t go because it\'s the right thing to do
unless I know it\'s the right thing to do,

00:05:10.660 --> 00:05:13.450
and I shouldn\'t...go to please
my family or parents.

00:05:13.450 --> 00:05:16.710
I think the only real reason I should go
is because the Lord wants me to

00:05:16.710 --> 00:05:21.750
and because I should serve my fellow man
because that is one in the same.

00:05:21.750 --> 00:05:25.430
And so I prayed, and I prayed,

00:05:25.430 --> 00:05:32.520
and to this day I don\'t feel
that I have received a spiritual confirmation...

00:05:32.520 --> 00:05:34.810
...that I should go on a mission.

00:05:34.810 --> 00:05:41.150
But I think I have developed much faith
that the Lord wants me to go on a mission.

00:05:41.150 --> 00:05:44.150
And that doesn\'t sound right, but it is right.

00:05:47.570 --> 00:05:52.080
I don\'t know how many soon­to­be missionaries
have these kinds of doubts,

00:05:52.080 --> 00:05:54.700
but I hadn\'t heard anybody talk about them.

00:07:06.030 --> 00:07:09.650
Looking back,
I see a scared nineteen year old

00:07:09.650 --> 00:07:12.530
who is desperate to become
what he believed he should be,

00:07:12.530 --> 00:07:16.200
punishing himself for his doubts
and burying his confusion.

00:07:37.310 --> 00:07:40.600
When I look at my mission,
this mission that I am about to go on,

00:07:40.600 --> 00:07:43.940
as a way for me to try and jolt me

00:07:43.940 --> 00:07:47.070
or put me into a different situation
and get my life in order,

00:07:47.070 --> 00:07:49.490
because I\'m off and I\'m on
and off and I\'m on...

00:07:49.490 --> 00:07:51.860
...and I just want to be on more often.

00:08:52.220 --> 00:08:56.930
As soon as I arrived in Guatemala,
I was sent north, to Petén...

00:08:56.930 --> 00:08:59.930
...the biggest, least populated part of the country.

00:09:01.680 --> 00:09:04.690
Back then, Petén had no paved roads,

00:09:04.690 --> 00:09:07.940
and driving through the jungles
was dangerous and slow,

00:09:07.940 --> 00:09:09.570
so I went by plane.

00:09:17.910 --> 00:09:22.250
When I got there, somebody told me
that Petén\'s jungle was the densest in the world.

00:09:23.620 --> 00:09:27.420
My first night, I noticed a scorpion
on the wall above my bed

00:09:27.420 --> 00:09:30.290
and I saw cockroaches
scurrying out from underneath it.

00:09:32.050 --> 00:09:34.470
I felt like I\'d landed on another planet.

00:09:44.480 --> 00:09:47.440
My return to Guatemala
after twenty five years,

00:09:47.440 --> 00:09:51.440
this time with a film crew,
was a lot easier,

00:09:51.440 --> 00:09:54.150
but I was still apprehensive.

00:09:54.150 --> 00:09:57.530
I hadn\'t been in touch with any
of the Guatemalans I had baptized,

00:09:57.530 --> 00:10:01.410
but I remember how they had looked up to me –
put me on a pedestal –

00:10:01.410 --> 00:10:03.660
because in their eyes,
I was the missionary

00:10:03.660 --> 00:10:07.710
who\'d brought them a message
that had changed their lives.

00:10:07.710 --> 00:10:12.420
Now, I wasn\'t certain whether I would find
any of the people I had known and loved,

00:10:12.420 --> 00:10:15.590
and if I did, I wasn\'t sure
how they would receive me.

00:10:21.350 --> 00:10:22.510
I used to live here.

00:10:22.510 --> 00:10:23.760
You used to live here?

00:10:23.760 --> 00:10:26.230
Yes, when it was a Mormon chapel.

00:10:26.230 --> 00:10:27.390
Yes.

00:10:27.390 --> 00:10:30.650
And this is the first time
I\'ve been back in twenty five years.

00:10:33.940 --> 00:10:35.190
You want to come in?

00:10:35.190 --> 00:10:36.360
Come in!

00:10:36.360 --> 00:10:37.700
Thank you.

00:10:37.700 --> 00:10:38.150
Okay.

00:10:38.150 --> 00:10:39.410
Come on in!

00:10:42.200 --> 00:10:44.490
The day I arrived,

00:10:44.490 --> 00:10:47.080
I\'d come directly from the United States,

00:10:47.870 --> 00:10:49.580
and I didn\'t know anything.

00:10:49.580 --> 00:10:53.040
I remember I had a small bed right there,

00:10:53.040 --> 00:10:56.050
and a lot of cockroaches here,

00:10:56.050 --> 00:10:58.510
and for me it was a really powerful shock.

00:11:01.470 --> 00:11:06.020
The pulpit was right here, elevated,

00:11:06.020 --> 00:11:09.940
and if you gave a talk, you\'d do it from here.

00:11:13.860 --> 00:11:15.270
It\'s really pretty.

00:11:20.070 --> 00:11:22.200
The moment is perfect, isn\'t it?

00:11:46.180 --> 00:11:49.640
I couldn\'t speak Spanish,
and my first companion, he used to take me

00:11:49.640 --> 00:11:52.900
and we\'d go to people\'s houses
and sit there for hours

00:11:52.900 --> 00:11:56.270
and he would make comments about me
in Spanish and people would laugh

00:11:56.270 --> 00:11:59.740
and I remember feeling
so humiliated and angry.

00:11:59.740 --> 00:12:01.150
Couldn\'t respond.

00:12:01.150 --> 00:12:04.740
I had brought this jump rope
from home to do exercises

00:12:04.740 --> 00:12:08.160
and I would come up here at five
and go, \"Tch, tch, tch,\"

00:12:08.160 --> 00:12:10.250
and just kept going faster
and faster and faster.

00:12:10.250 --> 00:12:12.710
\"Tch, tch, tch.\"

00:12:12.710 --> 00:12:16.040
Anger, resentment, agh.

00:12:16.040 --> 00:12:18.710
How to channel it.

00:12:18.710 --> 00:12:21.260
But, it\'s very beautiful up here.

00:12:22.380 --> 00:12:24.050
Looks pretty much the same.

00:12:38.520 --> 00:12:42.450
In the Missionary Training Center,
I was reminded – often –

00:12:42.450 --> 00:12:45.660
that these two years were
the Lord\'s time, not mine,

00:12:45.660 --> 00:12:48.740
and that I should use
every moment wisely.

00:12:48.740 --> 00:12:52.910
The missionary handbook or \"white bible\"
that we carried in our shirt pockets

00:12:52.910 --> 00:12:55.210
laid out the rules we had to live by.

00:13:01.670 --> 00:13:06.010
The life of a Mormon missionary
isn\'t as simple as it might seem.

00:13:06.010 --> 00:13:09.260
Every morning,
we had to be up by six to pray,

00:13:09.260 --> 00:13:12.020
study the scriptures,
and then eat breakfast

00:13:12.020 --> 00:13:16.400
before going out to spend the day knocking on doors
or meeting people on the street.

00:13:17.440 --> 00:13:22.820
Our only purpose was to tell anybody who would listen
about God\'s plan of salvation...

00:13:22.820 --> 00:13:26.490
...according to the Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter­Day Saints –

00:13:26.490 --> 00:13:28.780
the Mormon Church.

00:13:28.780 --> 00:13:30.490
People who wanted to hear more...

00:13:30.490 --> 00:13:34.250
...were called \"investigators,\"
and over a period of weeks or months,

00:13:34.250 --> 00:13:36.500
we would teach and eventually challenge them

00:13:36.500 --> 00:13:40.460
to pray for their own spiritual witness or \"testimony,\"

00:13:40.460 --> 00:13:43.840
so that they could know for themselves
whether our message was true.

00:13:47.050 --> 00:13:52.220
Our days were long, and usually we wouldn\'t get home
until nine thirty or ten, exhausted.

00:13:54.730 --> 00:13:58.770
Because a lot of the people that joined
the Church soon became inactive,

00:13:58.770 --> 00:14:04.150
we were encouraged to prepare our investigators
so that they\'d stick with it for the long haul.

00:14:04.150 --> 00:14:06.150
We called these \"good baptisms.\"

00:14:07.950 --> 00:14:09.320
And this process worked.

00:14:11.530 --> 00:14:14.950
Relying just on the words and convictions
of nineteen­year olds,

00:14:14.950 --> 00:14:18.420
these people changed their beliefs
and overhauled their lives.

00:14:25.550 --> 00:14:28.680
As missionaries,
we were not allowed to call home,

00:14:28.680 --> 00:14:31.050
so I wrote letters to friends and family,

00:14:31.050 --> 00:14:34.520
and I exchanged cassette tapes
with my twin brother, Greg,

00:14:34.520 --> 00:14:37.270
who was a missionary in Spain
at the same time.

00:14:40.730 --> 00:14:42.480
Hello, Gregory.

00:14:44.480 --> 00:14:46.440
I\'m doing alright.

00:14:46.440 --> 00:14:48.150
I hope the same for you.

00:14:50.450 --> 00:14:52.280
So here I am, I\'ve been here over a month now,

00:14:52.280 --> 00:14:53.870
about five or six weeks.

00:14:55.450 --> 00:14:57.790
As far as the mission goes,

00:14:57.790 --> 00:14:59.920
I\'ve had some very tough times,

00:14:59.920 --> 00:15:01.880
and some spiritual downfalls.

00:15:03.670 --> 00:15:07.010
I don\'t think I\'ve ever had
a time when I stopped praying, and, uh,

00:15:07.010 --> 00:15:08.630
I\'m reading the scriptures, not as much as I should,

00:15:08.630 --> 00:15:10.840
but, you know, at least half an hour to an hour a day.

00:15:12.600 --> 00:15:14.680
Otherwise it\'s going pretty well.

00:15:19.600 --> 00:15:20.690
Doña Amelia?

00:15:20.690 --> 00:15:22.480
Yes, that\'s me.

00:15:22.480 --> 00:15:23.770
Do you remember me?

00:15:25.730 --> 00:15:28.780
Your face is so familiar...

00:15:28.780 --> 00:15:30.400
Elder Pingree?

00:15:30.400 --> 00:15:32.160
...Pingree!

00:15:32.160 --> 00:15:33.910
Oh, I\'m going to give you a hug!

00:15:36.450 --> 00:15:39.120
A laundry now, instead of a kitchen.

00:15:39.120 --> 00:15:40.620
Yes, I don\'t have the kitchen anymore.

00:15:44.040 --> 00:15:46.000
Hello!

00:15:48.300 --> 00:15:50.090
- How are you?
- Well.

00:15:50.090 --> 00:15:51.180
- Really well?
- Yes.

00:15:51.180 --> 00:15:53.590
So this is a new building?

00:15:53.590 --> 00:15:54.890
Yes.

00:15:54.890 --> 00:15:57.010
- Everything has changed.
- I built it myself.

00:15:57.010 --> 00:15:58.970
I have an upper floor.

00:16:00.520 --> 00:16:02.600
And I did it all by myself.

00:16:03.810 --> 00:16:05.230
Here – I want to show you something.

00:16:09.070 --> 00:16:11.150
Incredible!

00:16:12.820 --> 00:16:14.780
But look at me now –

00:16:14.780 --> 00:16:16.160
I\'m an old woman.

00:16:16.160 --> 00:16:19.660
Doña Amelia was a member
of the local Mormon congregation,

00:16:19.660 --> 00:16:21.750
and she ran a small kitchen,

00:16:21.750 --> 00:16:25.000
where she made tortillas by hand
over an open fire.

00:16:27.290 --> 00:16:30.960
She took me under her wing
and made sure that I was well fed

00:16:30.960 --> 00:16:32.720
and that my clothes were washed.

00:16:33.880 --> 00:16:35.970
She even named her parrot after me.

00:16:36.970 --> 00:16:39.010
Do you still go to church?

00:16:39.010 --> 00:16:41.640
Yes.

00:16:41.640 --> 00:16:42.890
I go to church, and...

00:16:42.890 --> 00:16:46.310
No, no – I\'m asking because
I haven\'t gone in many years.

00:16:46.310 --> 00:16:49.150
Oh! What\'s going on with you?

00:16:50.110 --> 00:16:51.240
For me, it was easier...

00:16:51.240 --> 00:16:54.030
You fell away...

00:16:54.660 --> 00:16:57.990
It\'s been a struggle for me.

00:16:57.990 --> 00:16:59.870
Always.

00:16:59.870 --> 00:17:02.370
You preached, then you stopped.

00:17:02.370 --> 00:17:03.960
How did that happen?

00:17:03.960 --> 00:17:06.920
Well, what do you think?

00:17:06.920 --> 00:17:09.000
You converted – how many?

00:17:09.000 --> 00:17:14.260
One reason why I\'m here is to understand
my experience as a missionary,

00:17:14.260 --> 00:17:16.510
because it was very important,

00:17:16.510 --> 00:17:18.850
but after...

00:17:23.020 --> 00:17:25.980
My reunion with Doña Amelia gave me hope

00:17:25.980 --> 00:17:30.820
that I would find more of the Guatemalans
I\'d once known and taught.

00:17:30.820 --> 00:17:33.940
But it also reminded me
how much it might matter to them

00:17:33.940 --> 00:17:36.030
that I was no longer a practicing Mormon.

00:17:38.620 --> 00:17:40.620
It was great to see her again,

00:17:40.620 --> 00:17:44.370
but it was difficult to accept
her disappointment in the path I\'d chosen.

00:17:48.750 --> 00:17:52.380
Less than five years after I had returned
from my mission to Guatemala,

00:17:52.380 --> 00:17:54.720
I was no longer active in the Church.

00:17:56.840 --> 00:18:00.850
Both of my parents are from large Mormon families
that had settled in Utah.

00:18:02.430 --> 00:18:07.480
I couldn\'t think of anybody on either side
of my family that had left the Church.

00:18:07.480 --> 00:18:09.480
So this was a big deal.

00:18:10.560 --> 00:18:13.110
In the years that followed,
I traveled a lot,

00:18:13.110 --> 00:18:16.570
went to graduate school
and became a writer and teacher

00:18:16.570 --> 00:18:18.820
and, eventually,
a photographer and filmmaker.

00:18:22.030 --> 00:18:26.960
I\'ve learned a lot from making documentaries,
so I wanted to bring a camera on this trip.

00:18:33.170 --> 00:18:37.050
When you were here, it seems like there were
several women that you had a kind of...

00:18:37.050 --> 00:18:42.390
maternal, mother­son, relationship,
and she seems like one of them.

00:18:42.390 --> 00:18:43.640
And...

00:18:43.640 --> 00:18:45.270
Very much so.

00:18:45.270 --> 00:18:50.980
I mean, she literally fed me
when I couldn\'t fend for myself.

00:18:50.980 --> 00:18:54.270
She was kind of in charge
of getting my wash done too.

00:18:54.270 --> 00:18:57.280
And now she has a laundry.

00:18:59.320 --> 00:19:01.950
It just seems that

00:19:01.950 --> 00:19:06.370
you\'re not used to having people in that position

00:19:06.370 --> 00:19:08.460
tell you that they\'re disappointed in you.

00:19:08.460 --> 00:19:10.670
And she said that very directly.

00:19:12.580 --> 00:19:17.510
I\'ve tended in my adult life to avoid
discussing the whole question

00:19:17.510 --> 00:19:23.720
of my level of activity
in the church because

00:19:23.720 --> 00:19:29.520
I think that I want to just reject
the whole framework of that question.

00:19:29.520 --> 00:19:30.980
Are you in or are you not?

00:19:30.980 --> 00:19:35.190
Well, I don\'t want it to be
just one of those two things.

00:19:35.190 --> 00:19:38.860
That\'s too limiting a way
to even think about this.

00:19:40.360 --> 00:19:44.160
I\'m still doing the same thing I was doing then,

00:19:44.160 --> 00:19:47.120
I\'m in a different territory right now.

00:19:47.120 --> 00:19:49.120
I\'m not rebelling against anything.

00:19:49.120 --> 00:19:51.420
I\'m not trying to provoke my parents.

00:19:51.420 --> 00:19:56.800
I\'m not trying to say I want
no responsibilities in society.

00:19:56.800 --> 00:20:02.130
I have no interest in quality of life or values,

00:20:02.130 --> 00:20:06.140
or my relations to other human beings.

00:20:17.110 --> 00:20:21.280
Petén was my first training ground,
and it was rough going.

00:20:22.910 --> 00:20:27.160
My Spanish improved, and I learned a lot
about how to be a missionary,

00:20:27.160 --> 00:20:31.200
but some of my senior companions
were nearing the end of their two years

00:20:31.200 --> 00:20:33.500
and they had lost interest
in doing the work.

00:20:35.750 --> 00:20:41.170
I felt powerless and spent a lot of time
trying to coax them out of the house.

00:20:41.170 --> 00:20:43.680
This only complicated my own doubts.

00:21:03.490 --> 00:21:06.620
Being a missionary
wasn\'t all hardship and misery,

00:21:06.620 --> 00:21:10.740
and I learned a great deal about myself
and how to get along with other people.

00:21:13.000 --> 00:21:16.710
Still, after six months in Petén
I was pretty discouraged.

00:21:46.990 --> 00:21:51.450
In Guatemala today,
there are more than 270,000 Mormons –

00:21:51.450 --> 00:21:54.250
six times as many
as when I was a missionary.

00:21:58.000 --> 00:22:00.130
The people I knew were mostly poor

00:22:00.130 --> 00:22:03.840
and had little chance
of going to school or getting a good job.

00:22:07.510 --> 00:22:10.970
Few had cars, telephones,
or reliable electricity.

00:22:12.560 --> 00:22:15.270
For these people,
who possessed so little,

00:22:15.270 --> 00:22:19.900
joining a Mormon congregation was a way
to be part of a vibrant community...

00:22:19.900 --> 00:22:22.820
...and have better chances
for work and education.

00:22:24.070 --> 00:22:29.490
It wasn\'t hard for me to see that, for the most part,
their lives had improved since joining the Church.

00:22:35.580 --> 00:22:37.330
How many months have you got left?

00:22:37.330 --> 00:22:38.870
Uh, I go home next week.

00:22:38.870 --> 00:22:39.960
Next week?

00:22:39.960 --> 00:22:44.960
During my month­long return to Guatemala,
I ran into a lot of Mormon missionaries.

00:22:44.960 --> 00:22:47.130
And every time
I stopped to talk with them,

00:22:47.130 --> 00:22:50.140
I wondered if they felt
the same homesickness and despair

00:22:50.140 --> 00:22:51.970
that was once so familiar to me.

00:22:51.970 --> 00:22:53.260
Thank you! I appreciate it.

00:22:53.260 --> 00:22:54.560
I know you\'ve got stuff to do.

00:22:54.560 --> 00:22:56.180
- Good to meet you.
- It\'s great to meet you.

00:23:12.820 --> 00:23:18.410
During its long civil war, Guatemala made
nearly 200,000 of its own people disappear.

00:23:21.250 --> 00:23:25.670
Many of the worst massacres took place
near where I was working in Petén,

00:23:25.670 --> 00:23:28.340
and around the same time.

00:23:28.340 --> 00:23:32.550
But as missionaries, we were forbidden
from even talking about politics,

00:23:32.550 --> 00:23:34.350
much less getting involved.

00:23:36.560 --> 00:23:41.690
Being here now, I was troubled
by how politically naive I had been decades earlier,

00:23:41.690 --> 00:23:44.230
when my sole focus
was teaching religion

00:23:44.230 --> 00:23:47.110
while people around me
were being kidnapped and killed.

00:23:47.690 --> 00:23:51.320
On this really hot afternoon,

00:23:51.320 --> 00:23:54.450
we were just walking up
this main road in San Bonito

00:23:54.450 --> 00:24:00.120
and we heard this roar of a truck behind us
because it was very quiet in the afternoon.

00:24:00.120 --> 00:24:04.380
And I didn\'t think too much about that,
but when we turned and saw it, it was a jeep.

00:24:04.380 --> 00:24:08.920
And I still didn\'t think too much about it,
but when it passed us,

00:24:08.920 --> 00:24:12.590
in the back, with the back flap open,

00:24:12.590 --> 00:24:16.180
there were several men,

00:24:16.180 --> 00:24:19.930
it was a paramilitary squad,
there were sort of semi­militarily dressed.

00:24:19.930 --> 00:24:23.150
But they had machine guns on their arms.

00:24:23.150 --> 00:24:26.900
And it roared past us
and there was dust rising,

00:24:26.900 --> 00:24:28.400
and it turned the corner.

00:24:28.400 --> 00:24:29.860
Right there.

00:24:29.860 --> 00:24:33.780
And we heard it come to a halt.

00:24:33.780 --> 00:24:36.950
And then I just heard machine gun fire.

00:24:36.950 --> 00:24:38.830
And then the truck roared off.

00:24:38.830 --> 00:24:41.160
We heard it disappearing.

00:24:41.160 --> 00:24:44.710
And, we were sort of frozen.

00:24:44.710 --> 00:24:46.670
A little bit shocked.

00:24:46.670 --> 00:24:49.710
Not really sure, \"Was that machine gun fire?\"

00:24:49.710 --> 00:24:52.880
It has a sound that seems really distinct.

00:24:52.880 --> 00:24:54.130
It\'s not like a movie.

00:24:54.130 --> 00:24:56.090
People always say that.

00:24:56.090 --> 00:24:59.850
We walked up there and turned the corner
and there were...

00:24:59.850 --> 00:25:01.100
...three people.

00:25:01.100 --> 00:25:04.440
A man, a woman, and a third
I couldn\'t tell the gender.

00:25:04.440 --> 00:25:09.360
It was face down.
And they were just freshly shot.

00:25:09.360 --> 00:25:15.530
And we turned and came back
and then went that way.

00:25:15.530 --> 00:25:21.450
And I remember it being,
thinking as I was walking:

00:25:21.450 --> 00:25:23.870
\"I\'m supposed to feel much more than this.

00:25:23.870 --> 00:25:25.170
I\'m supposed to...

00:25:25.170 --> 00:25:27.750
This is supposed to be a horrible situation.

00:25:35.010 --> 00:25:37.590
Not so much unsure of what we should do

00:25:37.590 --> 00:25:42.220
but just going back into the behavior
that we did know what to do.

00:25:42.220 --> 00:25:46.390
Which was to keep going on our way
and do our missionary work.

00:25:46.390 --> 00:25:48.940
And so we turned and...

00:26:00.240 --> 00:26:01.870
My name is Esperanza...

00:26:01.870 --> 00:26:03.410
Esperanza...?

00:26:05.160 --> 00:26:07.290
How long ago were you baptized?

00:26:07.290 --> 00:26:08.920
About fifteen years ago.

00:26:08.920 --> 00:26:11.000
Fifteen years ago. Ok.

00:26:11.000 --> 00:26:14.050
I\'m looking for some families.

00:26:15.800 --> 00:26:17.260
The road that goes up that way?

00:26:17.260 --> 00:26:18.890
That will take you to Santa Elena,

00:26:18.890 --> 00:26:21.760
but you can also go straight ahead.
There are various ways...

00:26:23.890 --> 00:26:27.600
My first Guatemalan friend
was Federico Obando,

00:26:27.600 --> 00:26:30.770
a schoolteacher
who spoke some English.

00:26:30.770 --> 00:26:33.230
We talked about things
other than missionary work,

00:26:33.230 --> 00:26:34.570
and we laughed a lot.

00:26:35.240 --> 00:26:37.740
Hey man – how are you?

00:26:38.700 --> 00:26:39.950
Elder...

00:26:39.950 --> 00:26:41.740
- Pingree.
- ...Pingree!

00:26:45.160 --> 00:26:46.580
You look the same.

00:26:46.580 --> 00:26:47.370
Huh?

00:26:47.370 --> 00:26:48.540
You look the same.

00:26:48.540 --> 00:26:49.370
I look the same –

00:26:49.370 --> 00:26:51.290
no, I\'m older now.

00:26:51.920 --> 00:26:52.790
Well, what about me?

00:26:52.790 --> 00:26:54.130
- Huh?
- What about me?

00:26:54.130 --> 00:26:56.260
Yes, I didn\'t recognize you.

00:26:56.260 --> 00:26:57.550
I didn\'t recognize you.

00:26:57.550 --> 00:27:01.760
I had the...I had your photo,
but it got destroyed.

00:27:01.760 --> 00:27:04.930
Little by little it faded away –
Elder Pingree, yes.

00:27:07.520 --> 00:27:09.770
And these are your grandchildren?

00:27:09.770 --> 00:27:11.810
These are my grandchildren.

00:27:11.810 --> 00:27:13.770
Three grandchildren.

00:27:13.770 --> 00:27:15.860
She married an ex­missionary.

00:27:16.690 --> 00:27:17.780
That\'s good.

00:27:17.780 --> 00:27:19.490
One of my sons is on a mission right now.

00:27:22.030 --> 00:27:24.740
Currently I\'m the president
of the local Mormon congregation.

00:27:24.740 --> 00:27:25.830
That\'s what you told me.

00:27:25.830 --> 00:27:28.080
Yes, I\'m president of the congregation.

00:27:33.170 --> 00:27:36.420
Yeah, long­haired and
very serious – angry, eh?

00:27:36.420 --> 00:27:37.920
You look like...you scare me a little.

00:27:37.920 --> 00:27:39.670
But I\'m not angry anymore.

00:27:41.510 --> 00:27:43.850
The gospel changed me a lot.

00:27:43.850 --> 00:27:45.100
Yeah?

00:27:45.100 --> 00:27:47.020
Yes, of course...

00:27:47.020 --> 00:27:49.890
How did you find my house?

00:27:49.890 --> 00:27:52.270
By asking around.

00:27:52.270 --> 00:27:55.520
See...see, for many years
I thought about coming back,

00:27:58.280 --> 00:28:00.650
and...well, I finally did it, and...

00:28:00.650 --> 00:28:05.030
I\'m visiting all the places where I worked.

00:28:05.950 --> 00:28:10.040
Well, one reason why I came back is to –

00:28:10.040 --> 00:28:15.380
I don\'t know,
understand, because three or four or...

00:28:16.460 --> 00:28:19.170
five years after going home,

00:28:19.170 --> 00:28:21.340
I stopped going to church and...

00:28:22.800 --> 00:28:24.800
...I haven\'t gone in many years.

00:28:26.180 --> 00:28:29.470
There are always problems in life.

00:28:29.470 --> 00:28:32.100
I don\'t know –
it\'s harder for me in the United States, also...

00:28:35.400 --> 00:28:38.110
...and...it\'s different, but, but...I don\'t know --

00:28:38.110 --> 00:28:44.110
it\'s that, in Guatemala, the Church
represents something for people --

00:28:44.110 --> 00:28:47.120
an opportunity to grow,

00:28:47.120 --> 00:28:53.330
and for me, I started to feel
that the Church...limited me.

00:28:54.000 --> 00:28:57.960
Now, I know this a point of view that...
might offend you...

00:28:58.500 --> 00:29:00.840
I, too, was out of the Church.

00:29:01.340 --> 00:29:04.470
I was out for many years, many years.

00:29:04.470 --> 00:29:09.350
What was...did you have a particular
experience or something that...

00:29:09.350 --> 00:29:11.020
Well, what happened to me,

00:29:11.020 --> 00:29:13.480
and that I didn\'t want to remember,

00:29:13.480 --> 00:29:18.860
is that, well, I really liked...alcohol and all of that.

00:29:18.860 --> 00:29:21.900
My wife and I had a falling out.
We separated. The same thing.

00:29:23.650 --> 00:29:25.860
For three years.

00:29:25.860 --> 00:29:27.200
For three years we separated.

00:29:27.200 --> 00:29:29.160
She packed her bags and left me.

00:29:29.160 --> 00:29:32.040
I went looking for my wife,
but I had no idea where she\'d gone.

00:29:32.040 --> 00:29:35.460
All I knew was that she was somewhere out east.

00:29:35.460 --> 00:29:41.090
And I began to walk the streets,
until I came to a dark street,

00:29:41.090 --> 00:29:42.760
and I thought, \"What should I do here?\"

00:29:42.760 --> 00:29:45.130
So then I remembered God – \"Dear God,

00:29:45.130 --> 00:29:47.840
I want to find my wife but I don\'t know where she is.\"

00:29:47.840 --> 00:29:50.390
But I know that I was guided by the spirit of the Lord.

00:29:50.390 --> 00:29:55.020
I knew absolutely nothing, but then I found her.

00:29:55.020 --> 00:29:57.150
And now, well – here she is.

00:29:57.150 --> 00:29:58.480
And the Lord gave us this house,

00:29:58.480 --> 00:30:00.610
because I had been asking for a long time,

00:30:00.610 --> 00:30:03.400
so here I am – I\'m poor, but I\'m still here.

00:30:03.400 --> 00:30:06.360
Don\'t you still have a testimony of the Church?

00:30:12.370 --> 00:30:14.830
I don\'t know. I got to a point where I...

00:30:14.830 --> 00:30:19.920
...where I didn\'t feel comfortable in the Church.

00:30:21.920 --> 00:30:24.130
You were a pioneer in Petén.

00:30:25.970 --> 00:30:30.930
Yes, well, the truth is, you understand the gospel,
and you shared it with a lot of people,

00:30:30.930 --> 00:30:35.480
when it was a real sacrifice for you,
knocking on doors.

00:30:35.480 --> 00:30:36.770
Even so, the Lord loves you a lot.

00:30:36.770 --> 00:30:39.690
I know it. I\'m certain that the Lord loves you.

00:30:39.690 --> 00:30:41.770
You\'re sure about that, are you?

00:30:41.770 --> 00:30:43.440
Yes, I\'m certain that the Lord loves you so much,

00:30:43.440 --> 00:30:47.530
because you were one of the first
missionaries here with us.

00:30:47.530 --> 00:30:51.660
And the Lord knows why he sent you here.

00:30:51.660 --> 00:30:55.500
I continue to believe that
we can\'t see Satan,

00:30:55.500 --> 00:30:58.410
but we can feel him within ourselves.

00:30:58.410 --> 00:31:01.250
And he\'s the one that is damaging God\'s work,

00:31:01.250 --> 00:31:04.380
mocking God\'s plan of salvation for His children.

00:31:06.460 --> 00:31:08.720
Now I\'m beginning to understand something,

00:31:08.720 --> 00:31:10.680
now I\'m beginning to understand something...

00:31:11.680 --> 00:31:13.470
What are you beginning to understand?

00:31:13.470 --> 00:31:15.770
Why your picture faded away.

00:31:32.490 --> 00:31:36.790
When you see Mormon missionaries
on the street, dressed in shirts and ties...

00:31:36.790 --> 00:31:40.920
...working long hours, it\'s easy to forget
that they are also teenagers

00:31:40.920 --> 00:31:45.040
who have just finished high school
and are away from home for the first time.

00:31:51.630 --> 00:31:54.050
I did my best to obey the mission rules...

00:31:54.050 --> 00:31:56.220
...and become self­disciplined.

00:31:56.220 --> 00:31:58.730
But I was still a nineteen year old kid,

00:31:58.730 --> 00:32:01.810
and I was attracted to some
of the young women I met.

00:32:49.070 --> 00:32:50.190
I believe so...

00:32:56.570 --> 00:32:57.780
Miriam Sosa?

00:32:57.780 --> 00:32:59.580
Somebody told me that she lives around here,

00:32:59.580 --> 00:33:01.540
that she is married, has kids,

00:33:01.540 --> 00:33:02.830
that she lives around here...

00:33:07.380 --> 00:33:09.340
How long ago was that picture taken?

00:33:09.340 --> 00:33:11.840
Twenty five years ago.

00:33:11.840 --> 00:33:14.130
Well...back then, no...

00:33:14.720 --> 00:33:17.760
Yes – it\'s her! It\'s her!

00:33:18.550 --> 00:33:20.140
It\'s her – Miriam Sosa.

00:33:20.140 --> 00:33:21.890
But now she\'s much heavier.

00:33:21.890 --> 00:33:25.400
It\'s just that she\'s changed a lot.

00:33:25.400 --> 00:33:27.110
Well, and so have I.

00:33:27.110 --> 00:33:28.730
Shall I give you her phone number?

00:33:28.730 --> 00:33:30.400
She isn\'t here...

00:33:30.400 --> 00:33:32.150
She lives over there, see – in that house.

00:33:32.150 --> 00:33:33.740
In that house?
The white house?

00:33:33.740 --> 00:33:34.820
Yeah, the one with the black gate.

00:33:34.820 --> 00:33:36.070
What does she do here?
Is she a teacher?

00:33:36.070 --> 00:33:38.410
She\'s the principal of the school.

00:33:38.410 --> 00:33:39.490
The principal –

00:33:39.490 --> 00:33:40.830
She\'s director of the school.

00:33:43.200 --> 00:33:44.540
- Hey!
- How\'s it going?

00:33:44.540 --> 00:33:45.210
Well.

00:33:45.210 --> 00:33:46.870
- A pleasure!
- A pleasure!

00:33:46.870 --> 00:33:47.960
How\'re you doing?

00:33:47.960 --> 00:33:50.380
- Well.
- Very handsome!

00:33:50.380 --> 00:33:52.710
I don\'t know...very good­looking yourself!

00:33:52.710 --> 00:33:54.300
It\'s been twenty­five years.

00:33:54.300 --> 00:33:55.340
Twenty­five years.

00:33:56.880 --> 00:33:59.180
When you\'d come to my house to preach,

00:33:59.180 --> 00:34:01.470
it was really exciting.

00:34:01.470 --> 00:34:05.560
I\'d spend all day thinking
about the next time you\'d visit.

00:34:06.560 --> 00:34:11.020
We were very good friends.
I liked you a lot, for sure!

00:34:11.770 --> 00:34:15.240
Well, the truth is, I fell in love
with you a little bit, too.

00:34:15.240 --> 00:34:17.530
- Really?!
- Yeah.

00:34:17.530 --> 00:34:19.870
In my journals –

00:34:21.740 --> 00:34:25.290
I filled several volumes –

00:34:25.290 --> 00:34:29.250
but after many years I went back
to read them, this past year...

00:34:29.250 --> 00:34:31.040
Uh huh...

00:34:31.040 --> 00:34:34.710
...uh, I realized that often, after visiting you...

00:34:34.710 --> 00:34:37.260
- Uh huh...
- ...I\'d feel really guilty.

00:34:37.260 --> 00:34:38.340
How come?

00:34:38.340 --> 00:34:40.430
Because...

00:34:40.430 --> 00:34:43.310
...well, honestly, because as missionaries,

00:34:43.310 --> 00:34:48.440
we were taught that
we couldn\'t have thoughts or desires...

00:34:50.520 --> 00:34:52.360
...that were \"inappropriate.\"

00:34:53.360 --> 00:34:58.490
And so, when I met you, I felt as if, as if...

00:34:58.490 --> 00:34:59.570
Guilty!

00:34:59.570 --> 00:35:03.280
During my mission,
when I\'d feel attracted to a girl,

00:35:03.280 --> 00:35:07.790
I\'d write things like,

00:35:07.790 --> 00:35:11.250
\"I have to clean up my thoughts, I have to...\"

00:35:11.250 --> 00:35:12.340
Purify yourself.

00:35:12.340 --> 00:35:13.960
Right.

00:35:13.960 --> 00:35:16.510
You never told me that!

00:35:16.510 --> 00:35:17.670
You know?!

00:35:32.400 --> 00:35:34.020
Do you like your teacher?

00:35:35.070 --> 00:35:36.110
Yes!

00:35:38.570 --> 00:35:42.410
I was already here when Elder Reedy arrived,

00:35:42.410 --> 00:35:45.490
and I think that in a way I was really jealous,

00:35:45.490 --> 00:35:46.580
because...

00:35:46.580 --> 00:35:49.710
Yeah, I knew that you didn\'t like it...

00:35:49.710 --> 00:35:53.290
...when I talked with him, right?

00:35:53.290 --> 00:35:56.250
I think there was a bit of a rivalry
between them...

00:35:56.250 --> 00:35:57.760
Exactly!

00:35:57.760 --> 00:35:59.760
...for you...

00:35:59.760 --> 00:36:02.340
Your heart was always with me.

00:36:04.600 --> 00:36:07.010
Suppose that when I was here as a missionary,

00:36:07.010 --> 00:36:09.230
let\'s say, one day when we were here,

00:36:09.230 --> 00:36:12.060
if my companion had left the room,

00:36:12.060 --> 00:36:14.730
and let\'s say I\'d tried to kiss you...

00:36:14.730 --> 00:36:15.820
What are you trying to say?

00:36:15.820 --> 00:36:16.900
What would you have done?

00:36:16.900 --> 00:36:18.820
Kissed you back!

00:36:18.820 --> 00:36:20.530
Yeah!

00:36:24.160 --> 00:36:28.330
For sure, for sure, for sure –
it\'s all in the past...

00:36:28.330 --> 00:36:28.910
Yeah.

00:36:28.910 --> 00:36:31.620
So long, and may God bless you, okay?

00:36:39.260 --> 00:36:42.930
It was amazing how well both Miriam and I
remembered each other –

00:36:42.930 --> 00:36:46.390
exact phrases we spoke,
how we looked, what we felt.

00:36:50.980 --> 00:36:53.980
I\'d been attracted
to other women in Guatemala,

00:36:53.980 --> 00:36:56.560
but only Miriam became
more than a passing acquaintance.

00:37:01.030 --> 00:37:04.610
Every time we visited her,
we presented a missionary discussion,

00:37:04.610 --> 00:37:09.330
so officially she was an \"investigator,\"
someone we hoped would get baptized.

00:37:11.620 --> 00:37:14.420
But she never joined the Church then,

00:37:14.420 --> 00:37:17.170
and I\'m pretty sure now
that she never meant to.

00:37:29.390 --> 00:37:33.140
So you said,
\"Don\'t tell anyone else that you no longer go to church.\"

00:37:33.140 --> 00:37:35.520
No, on the contrary,

00:37:35.520 --> 00:37:41.980
I feel bad saying that to someone who
stayed at my house, and with whom I was so close –

00:37:41.980 --> 00:37:45.070
I don\'t want to leave it like that.

00:37:47.200 --> 00:37:49.450
- So you...
- No, no, no, no, no.

00:37:49.450 --> 00:37:53.330
...so you think it\'s better
for me to tell them the truth? That...

00:37:53.330 --> 00:37:55.540
But...I don\'t know...

00:37:55.540 --> 00:37:59.290
...I don\'t want them to feel heartbroken.

00:37:59.290 --> 00:38:01.840
So you don\'t want them to feel what you felt...

00:38:01.840 --> 00:38:03.260
What I felt –

00:38:03.260 --> 00:38:06.630
because I felt it...

00:38:07.470 --> 00:38:11.180
When I was here, you were like a mother to me...

00:38:11.180 --> 00:38:13.390
Yes, and I loved you very much –

00:38:13.390 --> 00:38:18.190
I loved all those that came here, all those I fed,
whose clothes I washed and ironed...

00:38:18.190 --> 00:38:24.240
...I loved all of you as if you were my own children.

00:38:24.240 --> 00:38:28.070
I said to myself,
\"Their parents aren\'t here, but at least I\'m here.\"

00:38:30.160 --> 00:38:32.740
Yes, but...if, if I were your biological son,

00:38:32.740 --> 00:38:33.910
and I said to you,

00:38:35.080 --> 00:38:42.670
\"Mom, I love you a lot, but I\'m simply
happier not being in the Church...

00:38:42.670 --> 00:38:45.510
...that it doesn\'t make me happy to be a Mormon\" –

00:38:45.510 --> 00:38:47.970
what would you say to me?

00:38:47.970 --> 00:38:50.340
Oh, God knows what I would say to my son –

00:38:50.340 --> 00:38:52.470
\"It would be better if you killed me...

00:38:52.470 --> 00:38:54.720
...and were done with it.\"

00:38:54.720 --> 00:38:58.690
Because I want all of you to be with me.

00:39:01.440 --> 00:39:02.980
It\'d be better if you killed me.

00:39:05.030 --> 00:39:08.030
I don\'t know...
I don\'t want to offend you, forgive me...

00:39:08.030 --> 00:39:08.610
No, no...

00:39:08.610 --> 00:39:15.660
...but you, who came here with your backpack
and your scriptures,

00:39:15.660 --> 00:39:17.290
converting souls –

00:39:17.290 --> 00:39:22.290
to then turn your back on those people
and embrace the ways of the world?

00:39:24.300 --> 00:39:25.800
Do you think that\'s okay?

00:39:30.090 --> 00:39:36.640
No...well, what I\'m saying is – let\'s say for example,
that I didn\'t come back to the Church...

00:39:36.640 --> 00:39:40.310
- Oh no!
- No, no, I\'m not saying that\'s what will happen,

00:39:40.310 --> 00:39:42.810
- no, no, no...
- I want you to come back!

00:39:42.810 --> 00:39:45.070
It\'s just that I love you so much.

00:39:45.070 --> 00:39:47.320
I love you as if you were my own son.

00:39:48.110 --> 00:39:49.820
It cannot be...

00:39:52.410 --> 00:39:53.700
...I don\'t know.

00:39:54.950 --> 00:39:56.160
Yes...

00:39:56.160 --> 00:39:57.950
...and I feel the same way.

00:39:57.950 --> 00:40:01.080
You were such a special man here,

00:40:01.080 --> 00:40:05.630
a missionary we all loved.

00:40:06.710 --> 00:40:08.960
Why did this have to happen...

00:40:08.960 --> 00:40:12.010
...and that you would never come back?!

00:40:12.010 --> 00:40:15.140
I pray to God that you\'ll come back,

00:40:15.140 --> 00:40:17.890
so we can see each other when we get there.

00:41:34.760 --> 00:41:39.100
Back then, the army had weapons,
and so did the guerrillas.

00:41:39.680 --> 00:41:41.600
During the civil war.

00:41:41.600 --> 00:41:43.980
Now, everybody has guns,

00:41:43.980 --> 00:41:45.100
out in the streets.

00:41:45.100 --> 00:41:52.610
It\'s amazing, at times, to see these pickup trucks driving
around, with drug dealers or with people in power,

00:41:52.610 --> 00:41:58.240
and following them are more pickup trucks
with machine guns, to protect them --

00:41:58.240 --> 00:41:59.780
three, five, eight of them.

00:41:59.780 --> 00:42:02.490
So it\'s not hard to find or buy guns here?

00:42:02.490 --> 00:42:05.660
I could just walk into a store and buy a gun?

00:42:05.660 --> 00:42:07.170
Yep, that\'s correct.

00:42:07.960 --> 00:42:12.670
You just buy a gun, then register it.
It\'s no problem.

00:42:13.880 --> 00:42:20.260
Here, you buy guns the same way you go
to the market to buy tomatoes or watermelon...

00:42:20.260 --> 00:42:23.310
Just like in the United States...in my opinion.

00:42:25.100 --> 00:42:26.600
Yeah, it\'s terrible.

00:42:27.310 --> 00:42:32.020
And the most serious problem is that the police
themselves are involved in it,

00:42:32.020 --> 00:42:34.110
in the same groups,

00:42:34.110 --> 00:42:37.450
in the same drug organizations...

00:42:37.450 --> 00:42:41.200
...the army itself...it\'s really tricky, really tricky...

00:43:18.200 --> 00:43:20.570
Guatemala\'s history is violent.

00:43:27.620 --> 00:43:30.960
When my dad was
a missionary there in 1954,

00:43:30.960 --> 00:43:35.130
the United States helped overthrow
the country\'s democratically elected government.

00:43:39.010 --> 00:43:44.970
From then, and on through the cold war,
Guatemala\'s military fought against leftist rebel groups

00:43:44.970 --> 00:43:49.310
that were made up mostly of indigenous peoples,
peasants, and the working class.

00:43:50.350 --> 00:43:53.020
This long civil war lasted until the \'90s.

00:43:55.730 --> 00:43:59.110
My two years in the country
came at the height of this conflict,

00:43:59.110 --> 00:44:02.530
when government death squads
kidnapped and killed a lot of people.

00:44:23.390 --> 00:44:27.430
A truce was signed in 1996,
but the violence continued

00:44:27.430 --> 00:44:31.730
as rival cartels in Latin America
moved billions of dollars of drugs

00:44:31.730 --> 00:44:33.940
through Guatemala to the U.S.

00:44:39.780 --> 00:44:44.070
Even though the sides have changed,
the result always seems to be the same,

00:44:44.070 --> 00:44:48.330
with the ethnic Mayans and the working poor
bearing the brunt of all the violence.

00:45:31.040 --> 00:45:34.790
There\'s no paved roads out there,
and it\'s kind of a colony in itself.

00:45:36.000 --> 00:45:38.630
And the...and when the rainy season hits,

00:45:38.630 --> 00:45:41.340
It\'s the worst mud I\'ve ever seen in my life,
and I was there for that.

00:45:41.340 --> 00:45:44.090
It\'s really a poverty­stricken little colony, but...

00:45:44.090 --> 00:45:45.470
The shower out there –

00:45:45.470 --> 00:45:47.640
there\'s no hot water, at this time of year,

00:45:47.640 --> 00:45:50.640
I mean it is COLD – you got to walk out
to this outhouse,

00:45:50.640 --> 00:45:54.100
that\'s got the shower in it,
and the water is just at air temperature,

00:45:54.100 --> 00:45:55.190
and, man, you freeze.

00:45:55.190 --> 00:45:57.150
It\'s just a hellish torture each morning.

00:46:09.950 --> 00:46:15.500
I was assigned to work in Ciudad Real,
just outside of Guatemala City,

00:46:15.500 --> 00:46:19.710
and Elvin Moreira was my junior companion.

00:46:19.710 --> 00:46:22.210
He was quiet, hard working, and devout.

00:46:24.300 --> 00:46:26.050
I was surprised to learn now that...

00:46:26.050 --> 00:46:29.340
...after his mission, he, too,
had fallen away from the Church,

00:46:29.340 --> 00:46:31.560
though he came back several years later.

00:46:31.560 --> 00:46:33.890
I remember a time when I lost myself –

00:46:33.890 --> 00:46:35.600
I didn\'t know who I was,

00:46:35.600 --> 00:46:37.190
nor what I wanted.

00:46:37.190 --> 00:46:38.690
How did you get out of that?

00:46:38.690 --> 00:46:40.360
Well, I found myself again.

00:46:40.360 --> 00:46:43.780
I had some hard experiences – really, really hard.

00:46:43.780 --> 00:46:45.530
One day I thought that the spirit of the Lord...

00:46:45.530 --> 00:46:47.780
...would never be with me again.

00:46:47.780 --> 00:46:50.740
Given the beliefs I have – but also the doubts I have –

00:46:50.740 --> 00:46:52.580
it has been very difficult for me.

00:46:52.580 --> 00:46:56.120
My family is very close, and some of us are active...

00:46:56.120 --> 00:46:57.620
...in the Church and some are not.

00:46:57.620 --> 00:47:02.500
So it\'s not a matter of rejecting the Church or –

00:47:02.500 --> 00:47:06.050
it\'s just that sometimes I don\'t know exactly where...

00:47:07.130 --> 00:47:09.090
...where my place is.

00:47:09.090 --> 00:47:10.180
I understand –

00:47:10.180 --> 00:47:14.850
but on that – the greatest battles in life
are the ones that liberate us...

00:47:14.850 --> 00:47:16.930
...in the depth of our souls, you know?

00:47:17.680 --> 00:47:26.110
And not those that are waged in any other place but
those...those we fight when we lose ourselves, right?

00:47:26.110 --> 00:47:27.150
I think that...

00:47:29.610 --> 00:47:31.780
...God has allowed us to live –

00:47:31.780 --> 00:47:35.200
from then until now, twenty­five years –
for some reason.

00:47:36.370 --> 00:47:41.630
Because I\'ve been marked by those two or three
months – three months of companionship.

00:47:45.050 --> 00:47:47.550
So, thank you very much, Elder Pingree.

00:47:47.550 --> 00:47:50.970
Well, I think you\'re giving me too much...

00:47:52.300 --> 00:47:56.720
...but, but I feel the same way –
that...it was very important.

00:47:56.720 --> 00:48:02.440
And until...until I arrived in Ciudad Real,
I had only had North American companions,

00:48:02.440 --> 00:48:05.860
and when I arrived in Ciudad Real,

00:48:05.860 --> 00:48:09.070
and...and when we worked together,

00:48:09.070 --> 00:48:13.030
It was something so –
something that made me feel so happy that, that...

00:48:13.030 --> 00:48:16.620
...I could be working with someone
who wanted to do something,

00:48:16.620 --> 00:48:21.290
and that...
that we could actually agree about what we were doing.

00:48:25.420 --> 00:48:31.010
I grew close to the people in Ciudad Real,
which felt like a real community.

00:48:31.010 --> 00:48:35.600
And as my Spanish improved, for the first time
I felt comfortable as a missionary.

00:48:50.860 --> 00:48:55.740
And I think...I think that the Lord values
the work we did, what we accomplished, you know?

00:48:55.740 --> 00:48:58.540
And the truth is, Ciudad Real was, for me, maybe –

00:48:58.540 --> 00:49:03.710
we had twenty eight baptisms, and those
twenty eight baptisms we had in the mission...

00:49:03.710 --> 00:49:06.920
...were the result of the work we did –
the two of us.

00:49:06.920 --> 00:49:10.170
But all of them were the harvest of those months.

00:49:10.170 --> 00:49:13.090
If you gave us another two months there,

00:49:13.090 --> 00:49:15.640
we would have doubled our work.

00:49:15.640 --> 00:49:17.140
I think that...

00:49:17.140 --> 00:49:21.100
...if you look today – because
I\'ve seen the same places now --

00:49:21.100 --> 00:49:23.310
I\'ve seen the result, right?

00:49:23.310 --> 00:49:25.520
That it was fruitful, perhaps.

00:49:26.400 --> 00:49:32.570
Maybe right now we don\'t perceive
the reach of those efforts, you know?

00:49:32.570 --> 00:49:35.280
But it\'s...it\'s enormous.

00:49:37.280 --> 00:49:41.370
You should feel enormous
satisfaction about that,

00:49:42.200 --> 00:49:45.670
about the work you did, Elder Pingree.

00:49:45.670 --> 00:49:46.710
Really.

00:49:48.790 --> 00:49:50.590
You have to keep moving forward.

00:49:55.180 --> 00:49:59.680
Little kids were often the first to make friends
with the missionaries working in their area.

00:50:01.220 --> 00:50:04.890
That\'s what happened with Fredy Gomez,
whom I taught and baptized,

00:50:04.890 --> 00:50:06.480
along with his brother and sister.

00:50:16.450 --> 00:50:19.450
Now Fredy was married
and had his own children,

00:50:19.450 --> 00:50:23.330
and his wife, Sintya,
who had heard a lot about me over the years,

00:50:23.330 --> 00:50:25.710
invited us over for lunch with her family.

00:50:35.340 --> 00:50:38.550
- And then...Kelly?
- Kevin.

00:50:38.550 --> 00:50:40.760
- Kevin.
- The one that was taking a shower.

00:50:40.760 --> 00:50:44.560
- After that, Kevin–the one walking around naked.
- Yes.

00:50:44.560 --> 00:50:45.730
Come here, sweetie.

00:50:45.730 --> 00:50:48.520
- And then comes...
- Melanie.

00:50:48.520 --> 00:50:50.650
- Pardon?
- Melanie.

00:50:50.650 --> 00:50:53.230
- Melanie, right–the birthday girl.
- Yes, and this is my mom.

00:50:53.230 --> 00:50:55.240
Are you busy? I don\'t want to...

00:50:55.240 --> 00:50:58.700
- He is the elder who baptized Fredy.
- A pleasure to meet you.

00:50:58.700 --> 00:51:00.280
Oh, I\'m so happy to meet you!

00:51:01.830 --> 00:51:03.370
How the years go by, right?

00:51:03.370 --> 00:51:04.660
You were so handsome.

00:51:05.830 --> 00:51:08.210
You are, you still are, don\'t worry.

00:51:10.580 --> 00:51:12.750
We were betting and I told my friend,
\"Want to bet on it?\"

00:51:12.750 --> 00:51:16.130
And I said, \"We\'ll see who wins,\"
and he won.

00:51:16.130 --> 00:51:18.840
And who were you betting with?

00:51:20.760 --> 00:51:24.640
...the most important thing is your
gospel, Father. Thank you.

00:51:24.640 --> 00:51:28.730
Thank you for giving us your son,
Jesus Christ, Divine Father.

00:51:28.730 --> 00:51:35.280
Please bless us so that we may be faithful
and worthy to be in your presence, Holy Father...

00:51:50.580 --> 00:51:52.170
What is that? A tradition?

00:51:52.170 --> 00:51:54.460
- Yeah.
- Oh, poor girl!

00:52:33.460 --> 00:52:37.300
Good morning, how are you?
When do services begin?

00:52:37.300 --> 00:52:41.010
Uh, there are two congregations – one begins at eight,
and the other begins at ten.

00:52:42.630 --> 00:52:43.720
Hello elders.

00:52:43.720 --> 00:52:45.430
Hello.

00:52:45.430 --> 00:52:47.970
I\'m Geoff Pingree.
I was a missionary here twenty five years ago.

00:52:47.970 --> 00:52:48.680
Oh, really?

00:52:48.680 --> 00:52:53.980
Yeah, and that\'s why...it\'s been a long time,
but I wanted to come back...

00:52:53.980 --> 00:52:55.560
Really? Here in Ciudad Real?

00:52:55.560 --> 00:52:57.270
Twenty five years ago?

00:52:57.270 --> 00:53:00.650
...and I spent three months in Ciudad Real
when it was a small congregation.

00:53:00.650 --> 00:53:03.070
Elder Pingree – my brothers and sisters
have told me a lot about you!

00:53:03.070 --> 00:53:04.740
Oh, okay...

00:53:06.070 --> 00:53:07.660
It\'s a real pleasure to meet you.

00:53:10.700 --> 00:53:12.750
There\'s Sister Alvarado!

00:53:12.750 --> 00:53:13.790
Sister!

00:53:16.040 --> 00:53:17.790
- What a pleasure!
- How are you?

00:53:18.800 --> 00:53:21.130
- I\'m doing well, thank you. And you?
- I\'m doing well, too.

00:53:21.130 --> 00:53:23.760
- That makes me happy.
- It\'s been a long time.

00:53:23.760 --> 00:53:27.050
But your eyes are exactly the same...
they haven\'t changed at all.

00:53:27.050 --> 00:53:28.470
Well, you haven\'t changed at all either.

00:53:28.470 --> 00:53:30.100
Really? Thank you for saying so.

00:53:35.020 --> 00:53:38.520
What I have read in the Book of Mormon,
and in the Bible,

00:53:38.520 --> 00:53:41.190
the teachings of Jesus –

00:53:43.280 --> 00:53:44.740
I\'m good with all of that.

00:53:44.740 --> 00:53:47.070
With the Church as an institution...

00:53:48.910 --> 00:53:51.370
...sometimes I don\'t feel very comfortable.

00:53:51.370 --> 00:53:56.040
I don\'t feel like there\'s a place for me.

00:53:56.040 --> 00:54:00.710
Because...I\'ve always been interested in many things,

00:54:00.710 --> 00:54:03.670
I read a lot, I\'m interested in a lot of ideas,

00:54:05.340 --> 00:54:10.310
and I got to a point where I felt
uncomfortable saying to other people,

00:54:10.310 --> 00:54:13.520
\"Well, there\'s one true way, and I have it,

00:54:13.520 --> 00:54:14.940
and you don\'t have it.\"

00:54:17.520 --> 00:54:22.820
And so, I tell my children that...

00:54:22.820 --> 00:54:27.820
...we have to keep moving forward,
because...there is no other path.

00:54:27.820 --> 00:54:30.030
What you\'re saying is hard for me to hear but...

00:54:30.780 --> 00:54:33.200
...I know that you are going to return, Elder.

00:54:37.750 --> 00:54:39.960
Anybody, church member or not,

00:54:39.960 --> 00:54:43.000
is welcome in the local chapels
where congregations meet.

00:54:46.420 --> 00:54:50.260
But in Mormon temples,
where sacred ordinances are performed,

00:54:50.260 --> 00:54:53.180
only church members
considered worthy are allowed in.

00:55:03.110 --> 00:55:08.660
It\'s the only training center for
missionaries in Latin America, right?

00:55:08.660 --> 00:55:11.030
- In Central America.
- In Central America, yes.

00:55:11.030 --> 00:55:13.280
- Because there\'s one in Mexico, I assume...
- Right.

00:55:13.280 --> 00:55:15.410
- ...and another in South America...
- As well.

00:55:16.790 --> 00:55:18.250
Hi, nice to meet you.

00:55:18.250 --> 00:55:19.500
Hello.

00:55:21.460 --> 00:55:23.210
No cameras, please.

00:55:24.630 --> 00:55:26.210
What can I do for you?

00:55:26.800 --> 00:55:29.090
Um, we are just here to say hello.

00:55:29.090 --> 00:55:32.850
- I was a missionary here twenty­five years ago...
- Is that right?

00:55:32.850 --> 00:55:37.020
...yes, and my father was here fifty years ago.

00:55:37.020 --> 00:55:39.940
- What\'s your name?
- Geoff Pingree.

00:55:40.900 --> 00:55:44.690
There were no temples in Guatemala
when I was a missionary.

00:55:44.690 --> 00:55:48.700
Now there are two,
and there are five in Central America.

00:55:50.410 --> 00:55:54.330
I couldn\'t go in
because I\'m not practicing anymore,

00:55:54.330 --> 00:55:56.660
so I spent some time in the gift shop.

00:56:19.560 --> 00:56:22.730
Today\'s a work day, right?
You came from work...

00:56:22.730 --> 00:56:23.520
Right, I\'m done.

00:56:23.520 --> 00:56:24.650
Okay. Hello.

00:56:24.650 --> 00:56:25.730
Hello, I\'m Romelia.

00:56:25.730 --> 00:56:28.360
Hello, I remember your face – of course, I know you.

00:56:28.360 --> 00:56:31.070
How are you?
Look, there\'s Brother Aquino...

00:56:33.280 --> 00:56:35.160
Hey man, were you just
waiting there or what?

00:56:37.370 --> 00:56:38.830
I was going to come back...

00:56:42.170 --> 00:56:44.710
And here I believe I\'m in a bank,
or something like that.

00:56:47.250 --> 00:56:51.380
Fredy Gomez – who has the face of an angel...

00:56:51.380 --> 00:56:52.840
But he wasn\'t an angel...

00:56:52.840 --> 00:56:58.060
Ruano, Maritza, Nora, Alvarado, Alvarado...

00:56:58.770 --> 00:57:01.270
The thing is, Maritza is inactive...

00:57:01.270 --> 00:57:05.980
I had thought about coming back
for many years, but I was afraid...

00:57:06.820 --> 00:57:10.110
So now I offer you the invitation, right?

00:57:10.110 --> 00:57:13.530
That you can come back again, right?

00:57:14.610 --> 00:57:20.500
And that you can remember that this
is a beautiful story, you know?

00:57:22.080 --> 00:57:28.170
The things you experienced, with my family
as well as with Brother Aquino,

00:57:28.170 --> 00:57:31.630
are things we\'ll never forget, ever, you know?

00:57:34.720 --> 00:57:36.010
Nor will I.

00:57:37.600 --> 00:57:41.060
But...you\'re not the first, nor the last.

00:57:42.480 --> 00:57:45.060
- Right, but...
- Neither the first nor the last.

00:57:45.060 --> 00:57:49.730
And it\'s always possible you might come back,
because there\'s always a tomorrow, you know?

00:57:49.730 --> 00:57:52.360
- There\'s always a tomorrow...
- Every day you wake up, you know?

00:57:52.360 --> 00:57:52.900
Right...

00:57:52.900 --> 00:57:57.070
So, today is one day, but tomorrow
one might think about things differently.

00:57:59.660 --> 00:58:03.200
It\'s not like...that\'s the end of it.

00:58:04.210 --> 00:58:07.210
There has to be a new awakening...

00:58:07.210 --> 00:58:12.420
...to return to the path where
one can feel good, you know?

00:58:22.180 --> 00:58:26.270
My first year I\'d often felt vulnerable
and depressed.

00:58:29.060 --> 00:58:32.610
It was deeply frustrating
to be the Junior Companion

00:58:32.610 --> 00:58:35.450
of missionaries
that no longer wanted to work.

00:58:37.160 --> 00:58:38.740
But then things turned.

00:58:38.740 --> 00:58:41.410
In Ciudad Real
I was, for the first time,

00:58:41.410 --> 00:58:46.160
a senior companion
and I immersed myself in the work.

00:58:46.160 --> 00:58:52.420
And we got a new mission president,
a young Guatemalan named Carlos Amado

00:58:52.420 --> 00:58:56.090
who, as a boy in the 1950s, met my dad

00:58:56.090 --> 00:59:01.430
and later credited him with helping him
at a difficult time in his life.

00:59:01.430 --> 00:59:06.810
Amado trusted me from the beginning,
and he called me to leadership positions,

00:59:06.810 --> 00:59:11.060
first as a zone leader in Guatemala City,
then as his assistant.

00:59:26.200 --> 00:59:29.370
My name\'s Geoff Pingree.
I was a missionary here twenty five years ago.

00:59:32.040 --> 00:59:34.250
Is it alright if I speak in English?

00:59:36.090 --> 00:59:38.590
No longer at the bottom
of the mission hierarchy,

00:59:38.590 --> 00:59:43.180
now I was making decisions about where
and with whom missionaries would live and work.

00:59:43.180 --> 00:59:46.140
Being a missionary
now felt purposeful and rewarding.

00:59:54.820 --> 00:59:56.780
So I\'m here in the city in the thick of things.

00:59:56.780 --> 00:59:59.280
I couldn\'t really be much more in the thick of it.

00:59:59.280 --> 01:00:03.490
We\'ve been putting in about, crud, about seventy­five
to eighty hours a week so far.

01:00:03.490 --> 01:00:05.240
It\'s because we\'ve been running around like crazy,

01:00:05.240 --> 01:00:08.250
trying to get activities done.

01:00:08.250 --> 01:00:11.500
Every Saturday afternoon we go to the baptisms,
and we always go and either have to conduct them,

01:00:11.500 --> 01:00:13.920
or we are in charge and make sure things go well.

01:00:15.130 --> 01:00:18.380
Yeah it\'s amazing, over there by the chapel
where we do baptisms,

01:00:18.380 --> 01:00:22.430
there\'s a great ice cream place –
the ice cream place down here is called Pops.

01:00:22.430 --> 01:00:26.140
It\'s quite excellent, and we always buy ice cream
and we always bring gallons home.

01:00:26.140 --> 01:00:28.430
I always bring home peppermint ice cream
and bubblegum ice cream.

01:00:28.430 --> 01:00:31.190
That\'s what I have in the freezer right now.
I bought it last night.

01:00:34.810 --> 01:00:38.190
To those around me, I was thriving,

01:00:38.190 --> 01:00:41.110
but inside, I still felt unworthy.

01:00:41.110 --> 01:00:42.950
That I wasn\'t measuring up.

01:00:45.700 --> 01:00:50.620
Over the next nine months my friendship
with President Amado deepened.

01:00:50.620 --> 01:00:55.040
He was the ultimate church authority in Guatemala,
but he was humble and warm,

01:00:55.040 --> 01:00:58.670
moved more by personal relationships
than theological dogma.

01:01:00.090 --> 01:01:04.840
He supported me, even when I experimented
with established missionary tactics

01:01:04.840 --> 01:01:07.310
or voiced unorthodox views.

01:01:07.310 --> 01:01:10.310
And he trusted my efforts
to understand other missionaries

01:01:10.310 --> 01:01:12.480
who were struggling with their own doubts.

01:01:18.320 --> 01:01:22.450
Near the end of their two years,
missionaries deemed capable and worthy

01:01:22.450 --> 01:01:24.610
are sometimes asked to open a new town.

01:01:27.080 --> 01:01:29.910
After nine months in the capital, I was sent,

01:01:29.910 --> 01:01:33.580
along with a newly arrived missionary –
what we called a \"greenie\" –

01:01:33.580 --> 01:01:36.920
to open a village
near Guatemala\'s western coast.

01:01:37.790 --> 01:01:41.590
Nueva Concepción
was extraordinarily poor,

01:01:41.590 --> 01:01:44.340
had no paved roads,
and sporadic electricity.

01:01:46.180 --> 01:01:49.220
We arrived there by bus
one hot, dusty afternoon,

01:01:49.220 --> 01:01:53.600
set down our suitcases,
and began looking for food and a place to stay.

01:01:56.230 --> 01:02:01.110
Within a few weeks, we\'d built up a small congregation
to attend our Sunday services.

01:02:03.030 --> 01:02:06.700
Opening this town proved to be
both difficult and liberating.

01:02:06.700 --> 01:02:10.830
The work was slow, the weather
was unbearably hot and muggy,

01:02:10.830 --> 01:02:14.000
and our straw mattresses
became infested with fleas.

01:02:15.580 --> 01:02:17.540
I quickly dropped ten pounds.

01:02:19.290 --> 01:02:24.590
But the work put me directly in touch with the people,
who were open and friendly.

01:02:24.590 --> 01:02:27.260
I felt good about myself
as a missionary.

01:02:37.440 --> 01:02:39.730
What made me saddest now

01:02:39.730 --> 01:02:44.070
was discovering that Nueva Concepción
had become a haven for drug lords.

01:02:49.370 --> 01:02:54.620
The police insisted on going with us into town
and wouldn\'t let us stay there past midday.

01:03:03.380 --> 01:03:09.260
Most disheartening, everywhere I went
the townspeople were wary and distrustful.

01:03:09.260 --> 01:03:12.640
I failed to find anyone I\'d baptized
who was still active in the Church.

01:03:20.610 --> 01:03:24.900
My name is Geoff Pingree. I was a missionary here...
a Mormon missionary here twenty­five years ago.

01:03:24.900 --> 01:03:27.530
I lived here, and I\'m looking for...

01:03:27.530 --> 01:03:30.070
...Alicia Elvira Mesas de Rivera,

01:03:30.070 --> 01:03:31.660
and her children, Sandra Yanet...

01:03:31.660 --> 01:03:33.580
Oh, but that\'s all the way over there.

01:03:33.580 --> 01:03:35.620
In what street? Costa Rica? No.

01:03:39.460 --> 01:03:40.540
Hello. Good morning.

01:03:42.210 --> 01:03:43.540
Sandra Yanet?

01:03:44.130 --> 01:03:46.380
I don\'t know –
do you remember the chapel?

01:03:46.380 --> 01:03:47.670
Hmm, yes.

01:03:47.670 --> 01:03:49.590
Yeah, that\'s where it was.

01:03:49.590 --> 01:03:51.010
Do you remember them?

01:03:51.800 --> 01:03:53.510
The Orellana family?

01:03:53.510 --> 01:03:55.390
Now I don\'t remember.

01:03:55.390 --> 01:03:56.470
You don\'t remember.

01:03:56.470 --> 01:03:58.100
No.

01:03:58.100 --> 01:03:59.480
Ok.

01:03:59.480 --> 01:04:00.600
Good morning.

01:04:01.520 --> 01:04:03.360
Hello.

01:04:03.360 --> 01:04:05.860
I\'m looking for...

01:04:05.860 --> 01:04:07.360
...are you Mirta Orellana?

01:04:07.360 --> 01:04:08.440
Pardon?

01:04:08.440 --> 01:04:09.780
Yes?

01:04:09.780 --> 01:04:15.830
Were you...you see, I was here twenty-five
years ago...as a missionary...a Mormon...

01:04:17.250 --> 01:04:19.790
...and I used to visit a family named Orellana –
they had a lot of children,

01:04:19.790 --> 01:04:23.210
and they had a mill, and they lived in it.

01:04:24.460 --> 01:04:25.840
Are you one of them?

01:04:25.840 --> 01:04:27.050
No.

01:04:27.050 --> 01:04:28.760
Can I show you a picture?

01:04:30.220 --> 01:04:31.340
This is not your family?

01:04:32.430 --> 01:04:33.970
- No.
- No.

01:04:44.520 --> 01:04:48.480
As we headed out of town,
feeling a little discouraged...

01:04:48.480 --> 01:04:50.360
...we made one last stop.

01:04:52.910 --> 01:04:54.160
Mr. Mendez!

01:04:56.280 --> 01:04:57.740
Mr. Mendez!

01:04:59.250 --> 01:05:00.660
Do you remember me?

01:05:02.120 --> 01:05:03.670
I\'m Elder Pingree.

01:05:05.250 --> 01:05:08.710
Yeah – you look the same! I don\'t,

01:05:08.710 --> 01:05:11.420
but you two look the same!
Hang on, I have a picture here.

01:05:13.430 --> 01:05:15.890
He\'s still carrying it around!

01:05:15.890 --> 01:05:19.470
I don\'t know – they\'re now in their thirties, right?

01:05:19.470 --> 01:05:20.560
That\'s right.

01:05:20.560 --> 01:05:25.270
Like everybody else in Nueva Concepción,
the Mendezes no longer went to church.

01:05:26.980 --> 01:05:29.110
But they embraced me warmly, even so.

01:05:30.610 --> 01:05:31.490
Pingree!

01:05:31.490 --> 01:05:33.320
Yes!

01:05:33.320 --> 01:05:38.030
We change so much – look at this picture!
I\'m forty­eight now.

01:05:39.450 --> 01:05:42.200
What a pleasure,
what a pleasure, that you came back.

01:05:43.040 --> 01:05:45.170
I mean it, what a pleasure.

01:05:45.170 --> 01:05:47.750
Yeah, I always remember your family, ok?

01:05:47.750 --> 01:05:48.920
Yes – thank you.

01:05:51.050 --> 01:05:54.470
After I\'d been in Nueva Concepción
for two months,

01:05:54.470 --> 01:05:56.760
the congregation threw me
a goodbye party...

01:05:59.680 --> 01:06:02.890
...and the day after,
I was on a bus to Guatemala city

01:06:02.890 --> 01:06:05.140
to say goodbye to President Amado,

01:06:05.140 --> 01:06:08.310
and to bring to a close
my two years as a missionary.

01:06:16.740 --> 01:06:20.120
This time, before flying back
to the United States,

01:06:20.120 --> 01:06:25.000
I wanted to once again visit Ciudad Real,
where I\'d made so many close friends.

01:06:45.640 --> 01:06:49.690
We weren\'t allowed to bring our camera
into the chapel during worship services.

01:06:53.280 --> 01:06:58.240
When I went in, I didn\'t want to draw attention,
so I sat alone, near the back.

01:07:09.380 --> 01:07:12.090
We lay our hands on your head,

01:07:12.090 --> 01:07:17.170
and we confirm you a member of the Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

01:07:17.170 --> 01:07:20.510
And we say unto you,
\"Receive the Holy Ghost.\"

01:07:20.510 --> 01:07:25.680
We confer this blessing upon you,
and we do it in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

01:07:25.680 --> 01:07:26.890
Amen.

01:07:46.830 --> 01:07:49.620
I didn\'t go unnoticed for long.

01:07:49.620 --> 01:07:53.590
As the meeting came to a close,
the young man who was conducting it,

01:07:53.590 --> 01:07:56.420
son of a family I\'d known well
as a missionary,

01:07:56.420 --> 01:08:00.680
proudly invited a special guest –
me, Elder Pingree –

01:08:00.680 --> 01:08:04.050
to close the meeting by bearing
my testimony of the Church.

01:08:04.050 --> 01:08:06.520
For many years,

01:08:06.520 --> 01:08:08.560
I haven\'t attended church.

01:08:09.640 --> 01:08:12.020
And I\'ve had a difficult struggle.

01:08:12.020 --> 01:08:16.570
So, I decided that one day I\'d come back,

01:08:16.570 --> 01:08:23.240
and try to understand what it was
that I experienced here.

01:08:25.410 --> 01:08:30.500
I don\'t know...I didn\'t know what
I was going to find, but my search is sincere,

01:08:30.500 --> 01:08:32.500
and I want to tell all of you that...

01:08:32.500 --> 01:08:36.420
...there is something true in my experience here.

01:08:36.420 --> 01:08:40.550
And being here now,
with the people that I knew,

01:08:40.550 --> 01:08:44.300
the Alvarado family, and everyone else,

01:08:44.300 --> 01:08:45.680
I feel really good.

01:08:45.680 --> 01:08:48.970
And...my testimony to you...

01:08:48.970 --> 01:08:53.440
...is that love is the most important thing –

01:08:53.440 --> 01:08:55.190
to learn to love others,

01:08:55.190 --> 01:08:57.610
especially those who are different,

01:08:57.610 --> 01:09:00.530
even those who could be enemies –

01:09:00.530 --> 01:09:02.280
it\'s very important.

01:09:02.280 --> 01:09:05.490
The world today is a world with a lot of problems,

01:09:08.740 --> 01:09:13.120
and...the thing...the kernel of the gospel,

01:09:13.120 --> 01:09:14.580
that...I always carry in my heart,

01:09:14.580 --> 01:09:19.260
is that love is the best, the most important answer...

01:09:19.260 --> 01:09:25.930
...to our problems,
and to the problems in society at large.

01:09:26.800 --> 01:09:30.980
So I want to tell you that I\'m really happy
to see you in your lives,

01:09:30.980 --> 01:09:34.140
that you are happy...

01:09:35.350 --> 01:09:38.860
And...seeing the problems
that Guatemala has –

01:09:38.860 --> 01:09:43.030
problems that all countries have –
but the problems here...

01:09:43.030 --> 01:09:45.530
...my heart aches a lot,

01:09:45.530 --> 01:09:47.830
because I love the people of Guatemala.

01:09:49.660 --> 01:09:53.870
So this is my testimony, and I offer it to you...

01:09:53.870 --> 01:09:57.330
...in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Thank you.

01:10:16.190 --> 01:10:17.520
It\'s okay.

01:10:19.320 --> 01:10:20.570
Be careful with it please.

01:10:21.480 --> 01:10:23.280
Let her look at it!

01:10:23.280 --> 01:10:26.360
- Yes...there, it was fading away, fading away...
- The margins were fading.

01:10:26.360 --> 01:10:29.910
...I don\'t want the air to hit it
because the margins are fading away.

01:10:29.910 --> 01:10:35.960
And so as I started walking
towards the pulpit to speak,

01:10:35.960 --> 01:10:37.750
I was thinking,
\"What am I going to say?\"

01:10:37.750 --> 01:10:38.630
\"Am I going to lie?\"

01:10:38.630 --> 01:10:40.130
\"Am I going to say something
I don\'t believe?\"

01:10:40.130 --> 01:10:44.340
\"Am I going to tell them what I
believe they want to hear?\"

01:10:45.590 --> 01:10:49.350
\"Well, I\'m going to say what I actually do believe.\"

01:10:49.350 --> 01:10:52.850
But I didn\'t say, \"I know that
Joseph Smith is a prophet,\"

01:10:52.850 --> 01:10:56.890
I didn\'t say, \"I know the Book of Mormon
is the word of God,\"

01:10:56.890 --> 01:10:59.690
I didn\'t say, \"I know that this
is the only true church on the earth\" –

01:10:59.690 --> 01:11:03.570
things that I said
thousands of times as a missionary.

01:11:04.860 --> 01:11:08.910
Not because I\'m certain that they\'re not true,

01:11:08.910 --> 01:11:10.240
but only because I don\'t know.

01:11:11.370 --> 01:11:13.700
Helping those in need,

01:11:13.700 --> 01:11:14.790
doing good works –

01:11:14.790 --> 01:11:17.000
yes, these things I know.

01:11:17.000 --> 01:11:20.790
When missionaries come here,
and they introduce themselves to us –

01:11:20.790 --> 01:11:24.510
some have an impact that lasts forever.

01:11:24.510 --> 01:11:28.220
And there are others who just pass through
and then leave and that\'s that.

01:11:28.220 --> 01:11:32.180
So, whatever you might have done in that time,
you did it believing in it then,

01:11:32.180 --> 01:11:35.220
and that makes it valid.

01:11:35.220 --> 01:11:37.600
Uh, huh – that makes it valid.

01:11:37.600 --> 01:11:40.150
What you were preaching back then –
you believed it.

01:11:40.150 --> 01:11:44.190
You weren\'t thinking, \"I\'m going
to fool a lot of Guatemalan people.\"

01:11:44.190 --> 01:11:46.530
Yes...yes, that\'s true.

01:11:46.530 --> 01:11:48.740
So what you did is valid, uh, huh.

01:11:48.740 --> 01:11:50.700
And if the rest of the people continue believing it,
then that\'s fine,

01:11:50.700 --> 01:11:53.240
and if not, well,
you can\'t do anything about that either.

01:11:53.240 --> 01:11:55.200
You can\'t do anything about it.

01:11:55.200 --> 01:11:57.750
So as I told you, it doesn\'t interest us how...

01:11:57.750 --> 01:12:02.080
...uh, it doesn\'t interest us now
whether you attend or don\'t attend.

01:12:02.080 --> 01:12:06.670
What interests us is that you are alive
and well in our...in our memory.

01:12:06.670 --> 01:12:10.510
You keep...you have a special place in our hearts,

01:12:10.510 --> 01:12:14.680
because you changed the lives of
many of the people here in this house, um, hum.

01:12:15.600 --> 01:12:18.430
I just wanted to see if
you could accompany us,

01:12:18.430 --> 01:12:20.480
but maybe not right now.

01:12:20.480 --> 01:12:22.150
We can do it later.

01:12:22.150 --> 01:12:23.520
Okay.

01:12:23.520 --> 01:12:24.570
Goodbye!

01:12:28.110 --> 01:12:30.820
What do you say? You look
like you\'re thinking something.

01:12:30.820 --> 01:12:36.700
I\'m agreeing with and
corroborating what he\'s saying – that it\'s true.

01:12:36.700 --> 01:12:39.120
No, really – the truth is that what matters is
what you did in the moment.

01:12:40.710 --> 01:12:43.290
As he says, you did it with faith,

01:12:43.290 --> 01:12:44.380
and you did it of your own choice,

01:12:44.380 --> 01:12:47.130
and you did it because you really believed
that it was the right thing to do.

01:12:48.510 --> 01:12:52.720
I believe that if one loves a person, and that
person comes to occupy a place in one\'s heart,

01:12:52.720 --> 01:12:57.010
then it doesn\'t matter what that person does,
or if they stop doing what they used to do,

01:12:57.010 --> 01:12:58.350
or why they did it because...

01:12:59.680 --> 01:13:05.560
...true love is wanted, and given,
at any time, to any person, no matter what.

01:13:15.490 --> 01:13:17.830
You know, I want you to know something.

01:13:17.830 --> 01:13:20.410
That you\'re something really special.

01:13:20.410 --> 01:13:22.000
You are.

01:13:22.000 --> 01:13:23.540
How do you know that?

01:13:23.540 --> 01:13:25.830
I don\'t know, I just know it.

01:13:25.830 --> 01:13:29.510
I saw it when you were standing,
giving your testimony,

01:13:29.510 --> 01:13:33.090
because I saw a light, just all around you,

01:13:33.090 --> 01:13:35.890
and I know that light is from God.

01:13:35.890 --> 01:13:36.930
It really is.

01:13:55.280 --> 01:13:59.120
...for me, religion is a struggle

01:13:59.120 --> 01:14:01.750
to figure out and, you know,
understand people,

01:14:01.750 --> 01:14:05.540
and understand why things happened,
and what you can do about that.

01:14:05.540 --> 01:14:08.670
And I think churches in general,
but certainly the Mormon Church,

01:14:08.670 --> 01:14:12.920
it\'s not good at tolerating non­conformity.

01:14:12.920 --> 01:14:17.390
It\'s not good at tolerating, you know,
ambivalence in its members,

01:14:17.390 --> 01:14:23.560
because, you know, it wants people to,

01:14:23.560 --> 01:14:27.310
to follow, you know, a fairly strict set of ideas.

01:14:28.860 --> 01:14:32.230
And so for me, when people say,
\"Do you believe in the church?

01:14:32.230 --> 01:14:34.950
Do you still have
a testimony of the Gospel?\"

01:14:34.950 --> 01:14:41.540
And I say, \"The only conviction I have is the fact
that I just don\'t know much of anything.\"

01:16:17.340 --> 01:16:22.680
When my plane landed at the San Francisco airport,
a thought formed in my head:

01:16:26.180 --> 01:16:29.180
The Mormon view of the world
would not hold me.

01:16:33.020 --> 01:16:37.320
And as the years have passed,
this feeling has only grown.

01:16:45.490 --> 01:16:48.200
Soon after, I gave this talk,

01:16:48.200 --> 01:16:52.040
which, as it turned out,
was the last time I ever spoke in church.

01:16:53.540 --> 01:16:57.460
A mission can be the greatest year and a half
of anyone\'s life.

01:16:57.460 --> 01:17:01.880
It can also be the most hellish experience
of a person\'s life if he makes it so.

01:17:01.880 --> 01:17:06.930
A mission, like any other experience in our life,
can be to our benefit or our detriment.

01:17:06.930 --> 01:17:12.350
\"Let\'s just get him out on a mission and he\'ll be okay,\"
or \"A mission will straighten him out.\"

01:17:12.350 --> 01:17:16.060
The notion behind these phrases,
that a mission or any other single experience

01:17:16.060 --> 01:17:20.740
somehow changes a person and makes him
what we hope he\'ll be is false.

01:17:20.740 --> 01:17:24.780
Thus I believe that any person that comes home
from a mission with a change of heart

01:17:24.780 --> 01:17:28.330
has brought about this change
through his own good works and service to the Lord,

01:17:28.330 --> 01:17:32.750
who, in turn, has granted his Holy Spirit
to help in changing his character.

01:17:41.170 --> 01:17:44.890
Some years after my mission,
the Church called Carlos Amado

01:17:44.890 --> 01:17:48.060
to be one of its general authorities
in Salt Lake City.

01:17:49.810 --> 01:17:52.810
Later, after I\'d gone back
to shoot this film,

01:17:52.810 --> 01:17:55.310
I was in Utah, and I had
the chance to see him –

01:17:55.310 --> 01:17:57.520
for the first time in twenty­five years.

01:17:59.270 --> 01:18:04.490
On the way I\'d called ahead to ask where,
in the huge church office building, I could find him.

01:18:07.780 --> 01:18:12.580
But as soon as we pulled up to the curb,
he appeared there on the street.

01:18:12.580 --> 01:18:17.960
He pulled me into a long embrace and told me
how he\'d missed me and how much he loved me.

01:18:19.380 --> 01:18:25.430
He knew that I was no longer a practicing Mormon,
but he didn\'t ask me about it.

01:18:25.430 --> 01:18:29.100
I\'m sure he\'s disappointed
by my decision,

01:18:29.100 --> 01:18:32.600
but I hope he knows that for me,
it\'s an honest one.

01:18:35.140 --> 01:18:40.190
For my own father, who first taught me
to ask questions and voice doubts,

01:18:40.190 --> 01:18:42.570
my path has been shaded with irony.

01:18:44.740 --> 01:18:49.200
He\'s deeply disappointed, too,
but he told me that he respects my decision.

01:18:49.870 --> 01:18:52.490
I know your heart, Elder Pingree.

01:18:52.490 --> 01:18:53.830
Take care of yourself!

01:18:53.830 --> 01:18:54.700
See you later.

01:18:54.700 --> 01:18:56.290
Thank you, President.

01:19:09.340 --> 01:19:14.890
I thought a lot about my mission
in the twenty five years that followed,

01:19:14.890 --> 01:19:19.520
and I\'ve continued thinking about it
since I returned to Guatemala to make this film.

01:19:21.770 --> 01:19:27.200
I\'m sure I\'ll keep thinking, because the yearning
I\'ve always felt seems rooted into my soul.

01:19:32.450 --> 01:19:37.000
When I speak of my Mormon upbringing,
and of my loss of faith in organized religion,

01:19:37.000 --> 01:19:39.920
some wonder if I\'m angry.

01:19:39.920 --> 01:19:41.420
I\'m not.

01:19:44.380 --> 01:19:49.800
But I am sad about what I\'ve lost –

01:19:49.800 --> 01:19:52.300
a set of beliefs and practices

01:19:52.300 --> 01:19:55.600
that join me through years of shared experience

01:19:55.600 --> 01:19:58.940
with family and close friends,

01:19:58.940 --> 01:20:01.400
the people I love most in the world.

01:20:07.900 --> 01:20:10.990
This film is a story about endings.

01:20:10.990 --> 01:20:16.700
When I set out to make it, I hoped my search
would bring some kind of closure.

01:20:16.700 --> 01:20:19.660
But that kind of resolution is hard to get.

01:20:20.790 --> 01:20:25.170
The story I brought the people in Guatemala
was a spiritual narrative they welcomed –

01:20:25.170 --> 01:20:28.010
and still live by today.

01:20:28.010 --> 01:20:31.510
Who is responsible for how it shaped them?

01:20:31.510 --> 01:20:33.350
Am I?

01:20:33.350 --> 01:20:38.680
Was there more to my connection with them
than a religious belief we no longer share?

01:20:38.680 --> 01:20:40.140
I hope so.

01:20:41.940 --> 01:20:46.980
What I do know is that we depend on stories
to make sense of the world,

01:20:46.980 --> 01:20:50.990
to feel hope in our lives,
and to become who we want to be.

01:20:54.070 --> 01:20:56.240
The Guatemalans I baptized,

01:20:56.240 --> 01:21:01.370
or the young Elder Pingree who turned away
from the dead bodies on the dirt road in Petén,

01:21:01.370 --> 01:21:05.790
or the Geoff Pingree who still wrestles
with his beliefs today –

01:21:05.790 --> 01:21:07.960
we all need stories to survive.

01:21:10.300 --> 01:21:13.390
I don\'t really know why this film
has taken me so long.

01:21:16.600 --> 01:21:20.730
If I\'d finished it five years ago,
it would have ended differently.

01:21:22.480 --> 01:21:26.610
And if I wait another five years,
it will end differently still.