WEBVTT

00:00:02.626 --> 00:00:06.500
I don\'t know how old I am.

00:00:06.500 --> 00:00:09.667
I don\'t know my date of birth.

00:00:18.167 --> 00:00:22.420
I don\'t know that I was even born in this country.

00:00:24.876 --> 00:00:28.667
Everything on my birth certificate is not true

00:00:28.667 --> 00:00:32.500
because they don\'t have any record of my birth.

00:00:32.500 --> 00:00:35.167
I just have no clue.

00:00:42.375 --> 00:00:45.375
The memories that I have are splotchy.

00:00:45.375 --> 00:00:47.500
There’s pieces missing.

00:00:48.000 --> 00:00:52.125
I go to kindergarten and the kids teasing me,

00:00:52.125 --> 00:00:53.876
telling me I was adopted.

00:00:53.876 --> 00:00:56.626
I didn\'t know what they meant

00:00:56.626 --> 00:01:00.500
but the tone of their voice meant it wasn\'t good.

00:01:01.334 --> 00:01:03.959
I got home crying and told my mother that

00:01:03.959 --> 00:01:05.292
they said this to me.

00:01:05.292 --> 00:01:08.542
And she said, Yes, your...

00:01:08.542 --> 00:01:10.917
your real parents died in a car crash.

00:01:10.917 --> 00:01:13.292
You\'re told your mother\'s dead.

00:01:13.292 --> 00:01:15.209
Then, you’re told to forget about it.

00:01:15.209 --> 00:01:17.417
How do you do that?

00:01:24.834 --> 00:01:28.417
My mother\'s absence filled my world.

00:01:28.417 --> 00:01:31.792
That loss radiates through

00:01:31.792 --> 00:01:34.709
every bone in my body.

00:01:31.792 --> 00:01:38.584
Because of that

00:01:38.584 --> 00:01:40.876
I couldn\'t talk about adoption in any way.

00:01:40.876 --> 00:01:42.334
I couldn\'t say the word.

00:01:42.334 --> 00:01:44.125
It terrified me.

00:01:44.125 --> 00:01:47.420
People would say, Why doesn\'t he look like you?

00:01:47.420 --> 00:01:49.375
And my parents would say, shhh, he’s adopted.

00:01:49.375 --> 00:01:51.542
So they made it be a secret.

00:01:51.542 --> 00:01:53.709
So I had to deal with it on my own.

00:01:53.709 --> 00:01:56.542
And the only way I could was to hide it.

00:01:56.542 --> 00:01:58.667
I don\'t remember ever

00:01:58.667 --> 00:02:02.792
feeling anything other than that background sadness.

00:02:09.917 --> 00:02:12.834
I wanted to be loved.

00:02:12.834 --> 00:02:16.334
Which is why I got married the two times.

00:02:16.334 --> 00:02:19.209
I didn’t tell my wives I was adopted.

00:02:19.209 --> 00:02:22.209
And I was a mess inside.

00:02:41.250 --> 00:02:45.420
When I was 42, I was visiting my sister.

00:02:45.420 --> 00:02:47.751
And I don\'t know what possessed her

00:02:47.751 --> 00:02:50.500
to say to me,

00:02:50.500 --> 00:02:53.417
Did you ever talk to Aunt Sylvia

00:02:53.417 --> 00:02:55.292
about how she got you for us.

00:02:55.292 --> 00:02:57.500
And I said, What do you mean?

00:02:57.500 --> 00:02:59.125
Aunt Sylvia didn\'t get me,

00:02:59.125 --> 00:03:02.459
my parents died in a car crash and she just ...

00:03:04.876 --> 00:03:08.830
And she said, No they didn\'t.

00:03:10.959 --> 00:03:13.626
And...

00:03:15.792 --> 00:03:19.334
I felt crazed. It was fucked up.

00:03:19.334 --> 00:03:22.792
It was just, I didn\'t know what to do with it.

00:03:45.459 --> 00:03:48.667
I called my mother up on the phone,

00:03:48.667 --> 00:03:50.751
and I said, Is it true

00:03:50.751 --> 00:03:53.834
that there was no car crash?

00:03:53.834 --> 00:03:57.209
And she said, Yeah, we lied to you

00:03:57.876 --> 00:03:59.459
And I said,

00:03:59.459 --> 00:04:02.417
Were you ever going to tell me the truth?

00:04:02.417 --> 00:04:04.834
She said, Yeah, when you were ready.

00:04:04.834 --> 00:04:06.626
I was 42.

00:04:06.626 --> 00:04:08.834
And I was pissed.

00:04:11.167 --> 00:04:15.542
And this is my fake birth certificate.

00:04:22.667 --> 00:04:24.292
This is the one that says

00:04:24.292 --> 00:04:27.334
that my adoptive parents gave birth to me.

00:04:27.334 --> 00:04:28.959
And this is the one that says

00:04:28.959 --> 00:04:31.250
my natural mother gave birth to me.

00:04:31.250 --> 00:04:35.000
What would have happened if my sister didn\'t

00:04:35.000 --> 00:04:38.209
didn\'t wake me up?

00:04:38.209 --> 00:04:42.751
Where would I be if she

00:04:42.751 --> 00:04:46.209
if she didn\'t tell me that truth?

00:04:46.209 --> 00:04:49.209
That she gave me that gift,

00:04:49.209 --> 00:04:50.917
out of nowhere,

00:04:50.917 --> 00:04:54.334
out of nowhere. And I still don\'t know why she did it.

00:04:54.334 --> 00:04:56.167
And neither does she.

00:05:07.751 --> 00:05:10.500
It occurred to me that

00:05:10.500 --> 00:05:13.417
the lawyer who bought my father\'s law practice

00:05:13.417 --> 00:05:16.125
might have information.

00:05:16.125 --> 00:05:18.000
I went in the office.

00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:19.834
He had the file.

00:05:19.834 --> 00:05:22.667
He told me that I shouldn\'t do this.

00:05:22.667 --> 00:05:24.209
It would destroy my life

00:05:24.209 --> 00:05:27.420
if I searched for my mother.

00:05:27.420 --> 00:05:30.292
I said I need to know my truth.

00:05:40.584 --> 00:05:45.167
In the file, Bessie Bernard’s name was there.

00:05:47.830 --> 00:05:50.917
Bessie Bernard made a living selling babies.

00:05:50.917 --> 00:05:53.417
She did that for 40 years.

00:05:53.417 --> 00:05:56.542
She was arrested and convicted

00:05:56.542 --> 00:05:58.959
of selling human flesh.

00:06:03.000 --> 00:06:05.584
Bessie had my birth certificate forged.

00:06:07.459 --> 00:06:09.917
And promised my father, which he wanted,

00:06:09.917 --> 00:06:12.420
that nobody would ever find me.

00:06:09.917 --> 00:06:19.500
In 1939, my parents paid $500 for me.

00:06:21.125 --> 00:06:25.334
When I found out that I was sold

00:06:25.334 --> 00:06:27.834
all I did was get in touch with rage.

00:06:29.000 --> 00:06:31.834
I’m in the wrong movie.

00:06:31.834 --> 00:06:34.751
The right movie would have been the movie with my mother.

00:06:34.751 --> 00:06:38.500
And it would all make sense to me.

00:06:39.375 --> 00:06:41.542
There was a support group in New York City

00:06:41.542 --> 00:06:43.792
that met once a month.

00:06:43.792 --> 00:06:45.876
I figured I was crazy

00:06:45.876 --> 00:06:49.500
and I was going to walk in and see a whole bunch of crazy people.

00:06:49.500 --> 00:06:51.709
And I got inside and they said,

00:06:51.709 --> 00:06:53.250
Are you adopted?

00:06:53.250 --> 00:06:56.917
I said, Yeah and I started using the word.

00:06:57.542 --> 00:07:00.830
And then that meeting changed my life.

00:07:00.830 --> 00:07:03.420
It gave me my life back.

00:07:08.292 --> 00:07:12.292
Then I started thinking about my mother,

00:07:12.292 --> 00:07:14.959
but there was no information.

00:07:14.959 --> 00:07:17.830
I had nothing.

00:07:18.876 --> 00:07:23.459
I did everything I could to get my story out there.

00:07:24.209 --> 00:07:26.375
And my hope was always,

00:07:26.375 --> 00:07:29.334
my mother\'s gonna see me on TV and find me.

00:07:29.334 --> 00:07:33.459
His story begins almost 50 years ago in Nyack, NY.

00:07:33.459 --> 00:07:38.000
Because Bessie Bernard always changed things,

00:07:38.000 --> 00:07:40.542
birth dates, and birth names, and

00:07:40.542 --> 00:07:45.584
birth mother’s names and places of birth, that me and

00:07:45.584 --> 00:07:49.626
so many other people can’t find their family.

00:07:49.626 --> 00:07:51.334
And I need to find my family.

00:07:52.334 --> 00:07:55.375
All of a sudden I wanted to be a therapist.

00:07:55.375 --> 00:07:59.626
So I could fit in and be respected when I talked about adoption.

00:07:59.626 --> 00:08:02.459
I said, I’ll go get myself a master’s

00:08:02.459 --> 00:08:05.000
and get a degree after my name.

00:08:06.292 --> 00:08:09.500
Then I started the support group.

00:08:11.830 --> 00:08:14.709
In this room the only thing that’s going to help you

00:08:14.709 --> 00:08:17.420
is to talk about your pain.

00:08:17.420 --> 00:08:20.500
When I\'m in the group, I\'m with my people.

00:08:20.500 --> 00:08:24.292
My natural mother died before I

00:08:24.292 --> 00:08:26.500
could find her.

00:08:26.500 --> 00:08:28.959
I know how to take care of people.

00:08:28.959 --> 00:08:31.334
Help them heal.

00:08:31.334 --> 00:08:33.375
That\'s my strength.

00:08:35.209 --> 00:08:37.417
It used to drive me crazy to think about dying

00:08:37.417 --> 00:08:39.667
without knowing how you got here.

00:08:41.626 --> 00:08:44.917
It doesn\'t make any sense.

00:08:44.917 --> 00:08:46.167
I\'m going to leave the station

00:08:46.167 --> 00:08:48.542
but I don\'t know how I got in the station.

00:08:46.167 --> 00:08:53.459
I\'m 72 years old.

00:08:53.459 --> 00:08:57.667
I\'ve accepted that I’m not going to find my mother.

00:08:57.667 --> 00:09:01.876
It doesn\'t terrify me like it used to.

00:09:05.417 --> 00:09:08.375
Healing doesn’t mean the pain goes away.

00:09:08.375 --> 00:09:11.292
It means you can deal with it.