WEBVTT

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- It was, uh, January 16th.

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We left for the hospital
and he was only born

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on January 17th
of the next morning.

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It was a pretty rough winter,
that winter.

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We got quite a bit of snow.

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Beautiful winter.

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And, uh...

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I guess the only warm part
about it is the birth of John.

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He was beautiful.

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When I held him, it was just
the most magnificent,

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wonderful feeling
anyone could feel.

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The birth of your first child,
it\'s... it\'s a miracle.

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And to be able to present

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my husband with his son

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was very emotional.

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And I knew how happy he was.

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You know,
he didn\'t have to tell me,

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and I could just see it
in his face.

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So you know, I\'d go visit
the nursing just down there

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and look at him in my arms

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and he had an enormous amount
of hair, dark.

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And he was a showcase.

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When they showed the babies,

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everybody
was gathered around him.

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And, \"Oh my God, look at
that baby. He\'s unbelievable.\"

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And of course, I was very proud.

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- My father was very caring...

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happy, outgoing.

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He was... he was the world to me

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and I\'m sure to everybody else,
the town,

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and that\'s how I explain him.
He was my world.

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- John had a...

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a unique sense of humour.

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He\'s, um, I don\'t know.

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John brightens up a room
when he comes into a room.

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He\'s, um...

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He\'s fun. He was just,
like, so much funny.

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Always changed the mood
to make it fun.

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Everything was a joke
to John, you know.

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He\'d find humour in anything.

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No matter what it was,
he would find the humour in it.

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- My daddy would often take us
to Flat Rocks,

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\'cause he likes
just how the scenery is

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and we would walk
across the train bridge

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and then suddenly
he would come down

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and we would spend the day
at Flat Rocks.

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Sometimes we would swim, but
then we would have to get out

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\'cause the current
would be too strong.

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And, like, we would have
loads of fun.

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We would just sit here all day

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and let the sun shine on us
and have a lot of fun.

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- It\'s a good memory
that you have?

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- Mm-hmm.

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- So how often would you come
down here, would you say?

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- In the summer,
like every second day.

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If it was Monday,
then it would be Tuesday.

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If it was a Tuesday,
it would be Wednesday.

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So it would be a lot of fun.

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- Have you been down here
recently?

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- No, the last time
that my dad took us,

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that was four years ago.

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He took us and...

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ever since, I haven\'t come back

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and this is my first time
coming back since four years.

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- We\'re a typical family,
you know,

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with all the dreams and...
that everyone else has,

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you know. We got married,
we had two children.

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Nobody, nobody, would ever think

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this would happen to the family.

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You know, this is not
how I started off my life

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with my family

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and to have end up like this.

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Nobody wants it and, well,
nobody deserves it.

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But it happens.

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I want people to know
who John was,

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that he had a childhood,
he had his dreams.

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He had a plan for his life

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and that life became...

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what it was.

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- It was just me and John.

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We were the only two...
the two children my mom had,

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so it was always just
the two of us, you know.

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Oh, I\'m gonna start crying
right away.

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Ah. It\'s very hard.

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I think I didn\'t realize how
close until something happened.

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Give me a minute.

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But, yeah, we were close. We
always hung out with each other,

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you know, if you seen one,
you seen the other one.

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You know, that\'s just
how it was, you know.

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Um, and of course,
all our cousins.

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It was like, you know, we lived
right behind Ma\'s house,

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so it was like we we\'re always
all together, it was all of us.

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So, yeah, we were close...
Are close. I still say \"are.\"

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I\'ll never say past tense.
I don\'t like the past tense.

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John ended his own life
on May 17th, 1998.

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He was just 31 years old.

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John came from
a very large extended family

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and his mother April
felt that other family members

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might want to say something

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about his life, his addiction
and his death.

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- A lot of people said,

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you know, \"We needed to do this,
we need to talk.

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We should honour John.
John deserves this.\"

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It was so positive, in spite
of the fact that I know

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it was really painful
for many people, all of us,

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that the emotions are still
really on the surface.

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That was the thing I found out
when I talked to people.

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That, you know, it\'s...
it\'s not an old wound.

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It\'s still a new wound.

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- To me, it feels like
it just happened... yesterday.

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My heart...

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is broken.

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I want to start
when we were younger

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and try to think of him
how he was before,

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to let people know out there...

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that he wasn\'t just...
had ended his life.

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That\'s not who he was.

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When we grew up and he...
it was...

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You know, his kids have to know
he was a good, good man.

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He\'d give the shirt off his back
to anybody if he could.

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He was always there
for everybody.

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- Put it this way,
you know, uh...

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I would rather have maybe, like,
lost my right arm

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than to lose John, \'cause he\'s
like a brother, you know, to me.

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I never expected something
like that to happen, you know.

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I wish it never happened.
I always say,

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I always tell my wife,
\"If God gave mve one wish,

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that\'s what I\'d wish for,
is have John back,\" you know.

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- At first I didn\'t know
he was having problems,

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but once he started to get
a little bit older...

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I guess at the time,
I didn\'t know the pain

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he was going through,
as far as his addiction.

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And, uh, you know,

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it was hard...

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to deal with it.

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You know, I... I always tried
to help him, in various ways.

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I spoke to him a number of times

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and, uh, you know he...
he seemed to be, uh...

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he seemed to be listening and
trying to do the right thing.

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But I guess, uh, in the end,

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it didn\'t work
for whatever reason

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and, uh, I feel sorry for that

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and I... I just, you know,

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it\'s very hard
just to speak today about it.

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- I can\'t even think
of the times

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that I met and talked with him.
But, uh...

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I remember saying to him,
\"Don\'t take another drink,

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because if you take
another drink,

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you\'ll end up doing drugs.\"

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Because that was something
that was different than alcohol.

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Cocaine, crack,

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they\'re terrible,
terrible drugs.

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- There\'s no way of describing
how you know...

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The look in his eyes
and being my son, you know,

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looking at him
and I would say to him,

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\"John, you know,
are you doing something?

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Are you doing...?\" you know.

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And he would say,
\"No, of course, no.\"

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\"Mom,\" you know, \"no.\"

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And you know, it just got worse
and worse and worse.

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- John started to smoke
marijuana when he was a teenager

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and then it just progressed
from there.

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In his early twenties,
he was using cocaine,

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and a couple of years later,

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he started smoking
crack cocaine.

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- I\'d, uh, I think just gotten
pregnant for my son Lance

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and at that point we knew.

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John said, \"I need to get help.\"
And he went to rehab...

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He said it was hard.

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It was hard to deal
with different issues.

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It was hard to look at,
why he was doing it

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and his insecurities

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and his behaviour.

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He wanted to get help,
but didn\'t complete,

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at that point,
when I was with him.

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Then he\'d go back to doing
iron work or whatever,

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you know, work
that he was doing but, uh...

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he, I believe,
wanted to get help,

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but I guess the addiction
was a little bit too far.

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I\'m not sure now.
But I know he wanted help.

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- He went into treatment...

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three times, four times.

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And every time he went in,
it was like, \"Thank God.\"

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\"Thank God.\"
Just pray it works this time.

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The first time, I thought,
well, you know...

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I was so naiïve...
That he\'s going in

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and it\'s going to work,
you know,

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and he\'s gonna come
out and he\'s gonna be fine.

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Well he was fine for a bit.

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Then right back.

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So the second time
is twice as difficult,

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because it raises your hopes
to such a degree

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and then to be let down
by it is...

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devastating, to both myself
and his father.

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We had so much hope.
We supported him in every way:

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went there, visited him,
took you know, courses

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on how to help an addict
and did all those things.

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You know, he had a good 10 years
of hard drugs.

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Ten years of slowly destroying
his life...

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Slowly.

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- Why do you think that he
couldn\'t overcome his addiction?

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- I don\'t know. I don\'t know.

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I mean...

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you know, that\'s...
that\'s a hard question.

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It\'s like... because, you know,

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you see some people that do
overcome their addictions and...

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and, you know, it\'s, like,
we did everything we could.

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How come he couldn\'t?

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Maybe if he lived he would\'ve.

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I... I... we\'ll never know.

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I don\'t know. It\'s like...

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you know...

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we loved him...

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We tried everything, you know,
even \"tough love.\"

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You know, everybody
was into tough love

00:13:53.751 --> 00:13:55.998
a couple of years ago.

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That didn\'t work.

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Uh, being there for him,
anytime, that didn\'t work.

00:14:01.626 --> 00:14:02.083
You know?

00:14:02.084 --> 00:14:04.124
Everything,
and we tried everything.

00:14:04.125 --> 00:14:08.999
- One of the hardest parts
of what was going on,

00:14:09.000 --> 00:14:10.666
living in a small community

00:14:10.667 --> 00:14:13.458
and everybody
knows everybody else, you know.

00:14:13.459 --> 00:14:15.583
Everybody knows
everybody else\'s business.

00:14:15.584 --> 00:14:19.041
So of course people
were aware of his problem

00:14:19.042 --> 00:14:21.998
and there was one instance,
I remember,

00:14:21.999 --> 00:14:24.998
when he was doing fine,
he was straight,

00:14:24.999 --> 00:14:29.541
and, um, him and I went
to the local supermarket.

00:14:29.542 --> 00:14:32.998
And I could see it
and, of course,

00:14:32.999 --> 00:14:36.166
I didn\'t say anything
at the time,

00:14:36.167 --> 00:14:37.998
but everyone looking at him

00:14:37.999 --> 00:14:41.999
like, \"Oh, my God,
what is he doing here?\"

00:14:42.000 --> 00:14:44.791
It was only after we left
and got back home

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and he said to me,
\"Mum, did you notice that?\"

00:14:47.626 --> 00:14:51.500
And at first I pretended to...
I said \"No. What?\"

00:14:51.501 --> 00:14:55.708
And he said, \"The way
people are looking at me.\"

00:14:55.709 --> 00:14:58.998
And I said,
\"Yeah, I noticed it.\"

00:14:58.999 --> 00:15:00.750
And it broke my heart.

00:15:00.751 --> 00:15:04.625
Because I think
that was the first time

00:15:04.626 --> 00:15:06.999
I realized the, um...

00:15:08.792 --> 00:15:11.416
the amount of...

00:15:11.417 --> 00:15:13.625
I don\'t know
what\'s the right word.

00:15:13.626 --> 00:15:20.458
The way people look at a person
with a drug problem, you know.

00:15:20.459 --> 00:15:24.458
They categorize them as perhaps
sub-human or something,

00:15:24.459 --> 00:15:31.500
that they don\'t deserve to be
in the same space as them.

00:15:31.501 --> 00:15:34.124
And...

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there were other instances,
you know.

00:15:37.667 --> 00:15:41.124
He would try to find a job,
you know, and uh...

00:15:41.125 --> 00:15:45.333
they wouldn\'t give him a job,
because they didn\'t trust him.

00:15:45.334 --> 00:15:47.998
And I sort of...
I understand that, you know.

00:15:47.999 --> 00:15:52.708
And I told him that you have
to build up your trust again,

00:15:52.709 --> 00:15:56.292
people have to start
to trust you again.

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- When I was growing up,
he threatened me

00:16:00.876 --> 00:16:03.998
not to take drugs, you know,
and it\'s ironic,

00:16:03.999 --> 00:16:07.833
what happened.
You know, I wasn\'t... I never...

00:16:07.834 --> 00:16:10.041
experienced it
because I was afraid

00:16:10.042 --> 00:16:13.998
that he was gonna get mad at me,
you know,

00:16:13.999 --> 00:16:17.998
and it ended up
the way it ended up.

00:16:17.999 --> 00:16:20.833
I mean...

00:16:20.834 --> 00:16:24.999
he did make that choice
to try it...

00:16:26.667 --> 00:16:28.625
but an addiction is an addiction

00:16:28.626 --> 00:16:31.583
and I... for the longest time,
I couldn\'t...

00:16:31.584 --> 00:16:35.998
I couldn\'t understand
why can\'t you just stop?

00:16:35.999 --> 00:16:39.625
Just stop, you know,
just stop it.

00:16:39.626 --> 00:16:42.998
I thought it was as easy
as just saying stop it.

00:16:42.999 --> 00:16:44.458
- That one experiment

00:16:44.459 --> 00:16:47.958
could turn into
a lifetime of grief

00:16:47.959 --> 00:16:52.125
because you have no control
over it.

00:16:54.167 --> 00:16:59.998
And this is part of the reason
why I agreed to do this.

00:16:59.999 --> 00:17:00.999
It\'s like...

00:17:01.000 --> 00:17:04.708
I want my children
and grandchildren

00:17:04.709 --> 00:17:07.791
and nieces and nephews
and their children, you know,

00:17:07.792 --> 00:17:10.750
to know what it could do
to your life.

00:17:10.751 --> 00:17:12.917
That it could destroy your life.

00:17:12.918 --> 00:17:17.708
And not only of that person,
but your entire family,

00:17:17.709 --> 00:17:20.374
Look at us, our extended family,

00:17:20.375 --> 00:17:23.541
it\'s like everybody\'s so hurt
by this

00:17:23.542 --> 00:17:26.998
and we\'re gonna carry it with us
the rest of our lives.

00:17:26.999 --> 00:17:27.501
[chatting]

00:17:27.502 --> 00:17:32.999
- How come we came back
on the ice with no shirts on?

00:17:34.459 --> 00:17:37.416
- You came down the slide,
remember,

00:17:37.417 --> 00:17:38.042
in Plattsburgh?

00:17:38.043 --> 00:17:40.625
We stayed at that hotel
where there\'s a slide.

00:17:40.626 --> 00:17:44.625
- Yeah. This is a long,
long time ago, when I was five.

00:17:44.626 --> 00:17:48.625
- Actually, when we first
got together, he got better.

00:17:48.626 --> 00:17:51.041
And then...

00:17:51.042 --> 00:17:53.541
it got a little worse,
it came back.

00:17:53.542 --> 00:17:57.917
He went through a rehab
and he stayed in a rehab program

00:17:57.918 --> 00:17:59.583
and he was doing well
afterwards.

00:17:59.584 --> 00:18:02.291
He, you know, started running
and lifting weights

00:18:02.292 --> 00:18:04.833
and started taking better care
of himself.

00:18:04.834 --> 00:18:07.998
But then, what made him change?
I don\'t know.

00:18:07.999 --> 00:18:11.999
Something brought him back
to that other way.

00:18:15.501 --> 00:18:19.249
- This is when, uh, the little
breakdowns would occur.

00:18:19.250 --> 00:18:23.166
The sleepless nights,
when I knew he was out there,

00:18:23.167 --> 00:18:25.998
doing something,
waiting for the phone call.

00:18:25.999 --> 00:18:28.291
Not wanting to hear
the phone ring.

00:18:28.292 --> 00:18:34.751
To this day, the phone rings
after a certain hour...

00:18:37.292 --> 00:18:40.333
a sense of panic
runs through me.

00:18:40.334 --> 00:18:44.583
- I don\'t even know how long
it was going on for.

00:18:44.584 --> 00:18:45.998
It was like we\'d go through...

00:18:45.999 --> 00:18:50.791
we\'d go through a period
of a year where it was great.

00:18:50.792 --> 00:18:51.501
Maybe not that long,

00:18:51.502 --> 00:18:55.166
maybe I\'m trying to imagine
and hope it was that long.

00:18:55.167 --> 00:18:58.500
And then you go through
six months and it was bad.

00:18:58.501 --> 00:19:02.750
He\'d be good for a week,
then he\'d go back to drugs,

00:19:02.751 --> 00:19:03.375
be gone. We always knew.

00:19:03.376 --> 00:19:06.124
We always knew when he was
on drugs. He would disappear.

00:19:06.125 --> 00:19:08.666
And when he wasn\'t on drugs,
he\'d always be around.

00:19:08.667 --> 00:19:12.500
- There would always be
at least a good amount of time

00:19:12.501 --> 00:19:15.333
where he wasn\'t doing anything.
So it was fluctuating,

00:19:15.334 --> 00:19:19.124
up and down, up and down. Except
for that last year of his life,

00:19:19.125 --> 00:19:23.833
when he actually went out
and he was doing drugs

00:19:23.834 --> 00:19:25.708
and I knew he was.

00:19:25.709 --> 00:19:27.333
Then my world fell apart.

00:19:27.334 --> 00:19:30.082
Then I felt all of those
\"How could you?\"

00:19:30.083 --> 00:19:35.792
\"What about the kids? Look at
all the money you\'re spending.\"

00:19:36.334 --> 00:19:40.208
\"What about me?
What about our relationship?\"

00:19:40.209 --> 00:19:41.541
\"What about your family?

00:19:41.542 --> 00:19:44.958
And then, a part of me wanted
to call his family,

00:19:44.959 --> 00:19:48.416
but I didn\'t, because I didn\'t
want to hurt his mother.

00:19:48.417 --> 00:19:50.416
So I dealt with that
always alone.

00:19:50.417 --> 00:19:52.998
And then when he would get home,
it would...

00:19:52.999 --> 00:19:55.541
well, of course I don\'t want
to talk to him

00:19:55.542 --> 00:19:58.291
at that point in time, because
I\'m really pissed off

00:19:58.292 --> 00:20:00.917
and I\'m hurt, I\'m angry.
Who knows what he did.

00:20:00.918 --> 00:20:04.374
Because during that point in
time he was getting worse,

00:20:04.375 --> 00:20:07.666
so he would end up maybe
even stealing something,

00:20:07.667 --> 00:20:08.998
or doing something wrong and...

00:20:08.999 --> 00:20:12.625
I was just thankful
that he got home alive

00:20:12.626 --> 00:20:16.249
and there wasn\'t police
looking for him or something,

00:20:16.250 --> 00:20:20.208
but too angry to even talk
to him at that point in time.

00:20:20.209 --> 00:20:22.709
- It became...

00:20:28.375 --> 00:20:32.626
unbearable. Unbearable.

00:20:35.999 --> 00:20:39.791
I went and... and I...

00:20:39.792 --> 00:20:42.751
finally sought help

00:20:43.876 --> 00:20:45.625
through a psychologist,

00:20:45.626 --> 00:20:49.082
through the programs, also,
originally.

00:20:49.083 --> 00:20:53.292
And then that wasn\'t,
you know, enough for me...

00:20:55.083 --> 00:20:58.998
and, uh, spoke to the
psychologist and, you know...

00:20:58.999 --> 00:21:02.458
\"You need to do certain
things for yourself.\"

00:21:02.459 --> 00:21:05.249
Because I was a wreck
by this point.

00:21:05.250 --> 00:21:12.041
- He always felt that he was
sorry and he knows it\'s wrong,

00:21:12.042 --> 00:21:14.666
he knows he\'s hurting everyone,

00:21:14.667 --> 00:21:16.999
but he just can\'t stop.

00:21:17.000 --> 00:21:17.959
That was his answer.

00:21:17.960 --> 00:21:22.416
He knows. \"I know it hurts you.
I know it hurts the kids.

00:21:22.417 --> 00:21:26.542
I know I\'m not doing
anything to help us.

00:21:28.375 --> 00:21:30.625
But I just keep doing it.\"

00:21:30.626 --> 00:21:35.750
- I remember there was another
individual in our community

00:21:35.751 --> 00:21:36.958
who had a problem.

00:21:36.959 --> 00:21:40.124
This is before,
when my children were small.

00:21:40.125 --> 00:21:47.291
And, I remember, uh, saying,
\"Oh, my God,\" you know...

00:21:47.292 --> 00:21:51.998
\"what\'s wrong with these people?
Why aren\'t their parents...

00:21:51.999 --> 00:21:55.998
His parents, her parents,
the individual\'s parents...

00:21:55.999 --> 00:21:58.041
Doing something to help him?\"

00:21:58.042 --> 00:22:01.500
And here I was,
10-15 years later,

00:22:01.501 --> 00:22:03.998
I was in the same situation

00:22:03.999 --> 00:22:07.208
and I never forgot that.
I never forgot it.

00:22:07.209 --> 00:22:07.999
I always thought...

00:22:08.000 --> 00:22:12.124
how naiïve I was to think
that it was that easy

00:22:12.125 --> 00:22:13.998
to put a stop to it.

00:22:13.999 --> 00:22:16.124
- It almost creates two people,

00:22:16.125 --> 00:22:22.583
because the John that I knew
and love and fell in love with

00:22:22.584 --> 00:22:26.041
was not capable of that stuff,
not caring.

00:22:26.042 --> 00:22:30.998
So it had to create two people.
It has to do that to you.

00:22:30.999 --> 00:22:35.998
Because he was just...
he was too much of a nice guy

00:22:35.999 --> 00:22:37.082
to actually want to hurt.

00:22:37.083 --> 00:22:41.541
Even when he was, I don\'t think
he wanted to hurt anyone.

00:22:41.542 --> 00:22:45.833
But he knew he was, but it was
just that other person,

00:22:45.834 --> 00:22:51.249
that other thing that took over
and he couldn\'t say no to it,

00:22:51.250 --> 00:22:52.541
for whatever reason.

00:22:52.542 --> 00:22:54.999
[radio]: Richard.

00:23:07.709 --> 00:23:09.750
- Sunday...

00:23:09.751 --> 00:23:12.291
I was working.

00:23:12.292 --> 00:23:16.374
I don\'t even remember
what time it was.

00:23:16.375 --> 00:23:18.291
It must\'ve been about lunchtime,

00:23:18.292 --> 00:23:22.208
close to the afternoon,
twelve, one o\'clock.

00:23:22.209 --> 00:23:23.000
I don\'t know.

00:23:23.001 --> 00:23:26.625
Um, Auntie Gladys called
at the police station.

00:23:26.626 --> 00:23:28.998
I happened to be in the office.

00:23:28.999 --> 00:23:32.458
She says \"Oh, John\'s here,
and he wants money.\"

00:23:32.459 --> 00:23:37.249
I says, \"Don\'t give it to him.
Don\'t give him any money.\"

00:23:37.250 --> 00:23:39.625
I says,
\"He\'s really bad right now.\"

00:23:39.626 --> 00:23:44.541
and when I say bad, like,
on drugs, really bad right now.

00:23:44.542 --> 00:23:46.998
And I don\'t know.
I was scared.

00:23:46.999 --> 00:23:50.458
You know, now that you had asked
that question earlier,

00:23:50.459 --> 00:23:51.042
I was scared.

00:23:51.043 --> 00:23:54.041
Now I\'m saying that I was scared
for him that time.

00:23:54.042 --> 00:23:57.875
I don\'t know why, now I\'m
thinking back, but I was scared.

00:23:57.876 --> 00:23:59.998
Something was gonna happen
to him.

00:23:59.999 --> 00:24:04.166
Or he was gonna do something
to somebody else that...

00:24:04.167 --> 00:24:08.791
You know? I guess I felt
that he was that desperate.

00:24:08.792 --> 00:24:11.958
Anyway, she says,
\"What do you want me to do?\"

00:24:11.959 --> 00:24:13.333
I said, \"Well, I\'m at work.

00:24:13.334 --> 00:24:16.249
I\'ll tell the officers
to go there.

00:24:16.250 --> 00:24:17.958
So I went home,

00:24:17.959 --> 00:24:18.876
I took a shower.

00:24:18.877 --> 00:24:20.500
I changed, got in the shower,

00:24:20.501 --> 00:24:22.998
I didn\'t even know
where I was going.

00:24:22.999 --> 00:24:25.124
I don\'t know, I was going out
anyways.

00:24:25.125 --> 00:24:28.208
And, uh, I said, \"Let me call
the police station,

00:24:28.209 --> 00:24:32.416
see if he calmed down yet,
see if he needs anything.\"

00:24:32.417 --> 00:24:32.999
So I called there

00:24:33.000 --> 00:24:35.708
and one of the officers
answered the phone.

00:24:35.709 --> 00:24:39.998
He says, \"Jody, can
you come here right now?

00:24:39.999 --> 00:24:45.291
You know how the police station
is, you walk in the front door

00:24:45.292 --> 00:24:48.999
and uh...
then there\'s a long hallway.

00:25:03.999 --> 00:25:06.666
There\'s a long hallway and uh...

00:25:06.667 --> 00:25:10.542
there was a mask on the floor.

00:25:15.999 --> 00:25:17.500
There was a mask on the floor

00:25:17.501 --> 00:25:19.958
and then you go
to the investigator office.

00:25:19.959 --> 00:25:23.125
Well, the mask was near
the cell area.

00:25:26.334 --> 00:25:28.998
I walked in...

00:25:28.999 --> 00:25:35.082
I looked at the officer\'s face
and I knew.

00:25:35.083 --> 00:25:37.542
I said, \"Where is he?\"

00:25:43.792 --> 00:25:46.998
They said, \"They took him
to the hospital.\"

00:25:46.999 --> 00:25:49.998
I says, \"Is he gonna be okay?\"

00:25:49.999 --> 00:25:52.375
He said, \"No.\"

00:25:54.375 --> 00:25:57.833
My mother wasn\'t there.
She was gone away.

00:25:57.834 --> 00:26:02.751
So I called Auntie Gladys
and they got there.

00:26:04.999 --> 00:26:07.334
That was it.

00:26:14.999 --> 00:26:18.917
- Of course, the drive home
was horrific, you know.

00:26:18.918 --> 00:26:19.998
It\'s not very far...

00:26:19.999 --> 00:26:22.998
An hour, a little over an hour
to get home.

00:26:22.999 --> 00:26:26.791
And all that time, I kept
saying, \"No, there\'s a mistake.

00:26:26.792 --> 00:26:31.292
There has to be a mistake,
something. It\'s not him.\"

00:26:31.999 --> 00:26:36.501
And when we drove up
to our house and...

00:26:37.334 --> 00:26:40.083
seeing everyone there...

00:26:41.959 --> 00:26:44.292
I knew it was true.

00:26:46.334 --> 00:26:49.082
I remember...

00:26:49.083 --> 00:26:52.791
getting out of the truck.

00:26:52.792 --> 00:26:54.998
I remember walking...

00:26:54.999 --> 00:26:57.583
up my back steps

00:26:57.584 --> 00:27:00.958
and there was people there.

00:27:00.959 --> 00:27:03.918
And I said, \"Oh God, it\'s true.

00:27:22.125 --> 00:27:24.374
My first reaction was, like...

00:27:24.375 --> 00:27:32.375
is at that point when I realized
that he had committed suicide...

00:27:35.751 --> 00:27:39.625
and I said, \"How could he do it?

00:27:39.626 --> 00:27:42.083
How could he?\"

00:28:04.125 --> 00:28:07.750
- I don\'t know
how you got through...

00:28:07.751 --> 00:28:09.918
the next few days.

00:28:18.083 --> 00:28:18.999
- Looking back...

00:28:19.000 --> 00:28:23.041
I don\'t know how
I got through it either.

00:28:23.042 --> 00:28:25.625
I remember...

00:28:25.626 --> 00:28:27.918
at one point...

00:28:30.999 --> 00:28:32.999
I wanted to give up.

00:28:33.000 --> 00:28:36.999
I didn\'t want to live.
I mean, my son...

00:28:38.999 --> 00:28:39.999
had just committed suicide.

00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:44.374
I thought, This is the end of
the world, you know.

00:28:44.375 --> 00:28:49.709
Like, there\'s no possible way
I could live without him.

00:28:51.834 --> 00:28:54.998
No possible way.

00:28:54.999 --> 00:28:57.708
But then, I have a daughter.

00:28:57.709 --> 00:29:00.875
And I have grandchildren,
you know.

00:29:00.876 --> 00:29:04.334
And to see the pain in...

00:29:05.125 --> 00:29:09.959
in my daughter\'s eyes
and my husband\'s eyes...

00:29:15.999 --> 00:29:17.999
You know...

00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:19.458
you need to go on.

00:29:19.459 --> 00:29:24.124
- I mean, I was only 12 when
it happened. It was a shock.

00:29:24.125 --> 00:29:26.124
It was, well, like,
the first person

00:29:26.125 --> 00:29:28.875
actually really close to me
that I lost

00:29:28.876 --> 00:29:31.875
and I didn\'t know
how to deal with it

00:29:31.876 --> 00:29:33.458
and it was just like a shock.

00:29:33.459 --> 00:29:37.166
Like, it ran right through my
body and I was like, whoa.

00:29:37.167 --> 00:29:41.750
I couldn\'t believe it at first.
I thought it was a nightmare.

00:29:41.751 --> 00:29:45.998
But it\'s reality.
It really happened.

00:29:45.999 --> 00:29:50.166
I know he\'s in a better place
now. I know he was suffering

00:29:50.167 --> 00:29:50.999
and everything,

00:29:51.000 --> 00:29:53.998
but I just wish it couldn\'t
have happened like that.

00:29:53.999 --> 00:29:56.998
- That\'s what was the hardest,
I think, for me,

00:29:56.999 --> 00:29:58.666
was to hear his children,
you know.

00:29:58.667 --> 00:30:01.625
And asking for him
and crying for him to come back.

00:30:01.626 --> 00:30:04.998
And, \"I want my daddy,\"
and you know, \"I want my daddy.\"

00:30:04.999 --> 00:30:08.458
And the thought that came
to my head at that time was...

00:30:08.459 --> 00:30:11.875
the thought... the feeling...
Was that, My God,

00:30:11.876 --> 00:30:16.666
if John could hear the children,
if he could just hear the pain

00:30:16.667 --> 00:30:19.998
that they\'re in and
how much they were suffering,

00:30:19.999 --> 00:30:23.708
that he wouldn\'t have been able
to do this.

00:30:23.709 --> 00:30:25.166
- You know, after it happened,

00:30:25.167 --> 00:30:28.458
it was like, \"It\'s not real,
it can\'t be real.\"

00:30:28.459 --> 00:30:33.249
You know, I don\'t know if
it was just me and my mom too,

00:30:33.250 --> 00:30:35.998
but for a long time
after John was gone,

00:30:35.999 --> 00:30:42.458
in my mind, I was just, \"Ah,
he\'s gone away. He\'s in jail.\"

00:30:42.459 --> 00:30:48.998
That was my way of coping
with the... the...

00:30:48.999 --> 00:30:52.500
the awful, awful feeling
of him not ever being there

00:30:52.501 --> 00:30:56.875
and not ever coming to
a Christmas and to my mother\'s

00:30:56.876 --> 00:30:59.833
or to my home
or seeing him again.

00:30:59.834 --> 00:31:01.998
That was my way
of dealing with it,

00:31:01.999 --> 00:31:04.249
\'cause it was just too awful
to think

00:31:04.250 --> 00:31:06.709
that he would never be back.

00:31:09.417 --> 00:31:13.998
- No matter how terrible you
think those first few days are,

00:31:13.999 --> 00:31:16.750
the worse part of it
comes afterwards,

00:31:16.751 --> 00:31:20.208
when the family
has gone back to their home

00:31:20.209 --> 00:31:24.998
and everybody\'s gone and you\'re
just you and your husband.

00:31:24.999 --> 00:31:30.082
Or it was just me and Lance
there, you know.

00:31:30.083 --> 00:31:33.082
And then you sit down and...

00:31:33.083 --> 00:31:35.249
and now it\'s like...

00:31:35.250 --> 00:31:35.999
it\'s there.

00:31:36.000 --> 00:31:39.751
And now you have to live
with it.

00:31:40.999 --> 00:31:46.082
And that\'s the hardest part,
the day-to-day living.

00:31:46.083 --> 00:31:49.998
The day-to-day questioning...

00:31:49.999 --> 00:31:52.458
of...

00:31:52.459 --> 00:31:55.416
When did it start?
What did I do wrong?

00:31:55.417 --> 00:31:59.041
What did Lance do wrong?
What did his sister do wrong?

00:31:59.042 --> 00:32:03.998
What could we have done to have
changed the whole situation?

00:32:03.999 --> 00:32:08.998
To have changed it
so it never ended up here,

00:32:08.999 --> 00:32:10.541
where it is now.

00:32:10.542 --> 00:32:16.458
You know, that\'s...

00:32:16.459 --> 00:32:16.999
harder.

00:32:17.000 --> 00:32:19.750
The guilt...
the guilt is unbelievable.

00:32:19.751 --> 00:32:23.124
- It\'s really right on
the surface for me all the time

00:32:23.125 --> 00:32:27.500
and I don\'t know if it ever
will not be. You know?

00:32:27.501 --> 00:32:29.750
Um...

00:32:29.751 --> 00:32:33.583
my mother knows I took a lot
of self-blame

00:32:33.584 --> 00:32:37.333
for what happened to John,
you know? And, uh...

00:32:37.334 --> 00:32:42.124
I mean, I had to convince myself
it\'s not my fault, you know?

00:32:42.125 --> 00:32:45.999
I mean, from her telling me too,
but you know,

00:32:46.000 --> 00:32:48.041
like, I... I wanted to help him.

00:32:48.042 --> 00:32:54.542
Not enable him to do something
to himself, you know?

00:32:56.918 --> 00:32:59.416
- To me, he was the best person
I ever met.

00:32:59.417 --> 00:33:02.625
He made me feel so safe
and secure,

00:33:02.626 --> 00:33:05.875
that no matter what happened
in our life,

00:33:05.876 --> 00:33:09.458
he always found a way
to make something better

00:33:09.459 --> 00:33:13.999
or to figure out
how to make it right.

00:33:16.375 --> 00:33:19.666
How he could get through this
problem and that problem and...

00:33:19.667 --> 00:33:21.500
You never had to worry
about anything.

00:33:21.501 --> 00:33:23.041
You know,
in most typical relationships,

00:33:23.042 --> 00:33:26.124
it\'s the woman
that\'ll take care of the man,

00:33:26.125 --> 00:33:28.998
but John took care of all of us.

00:33:28.999 --> 00:33:31.124
And...

00:33:31.125 --> 00:33:33.998
I guess now what I\'m left with
is that my children are young.

00:33:33.999 --> 00:33:38.833
So my five-year-old was
only nine months when John died.

00:33:38.834 --> 00:33:41.998
And I have a hard time
with that,

00:33:41.999 --> 00:33:46.998
\'cause she doesn\'t know him.
She\'ll never know him.

00:33:46.999 --> 00:33:51.750
But how do I make them
remember him?

00:33:51.751 --> 00:33:52.209
That\'s...

00:33:52.210 --> 00:33:55.998
I... I feel so bad for that
every day.

00:33:55.999 --> 00:34:00.958
When I look at them,
or when they go to school,

00:34:00.959 --> 00:34:04.041
when my children started skating
or playing hockey

00:34:04.042 --> 00:34:07.458
or any little accomplishment
that they have,

00:34:07.459 --> 00:34:10.542
he\'s not there to see it.

00:34:12.709 --> 00:34:15.959
And how do I make up for that?

00:34:19.000 --> 00:34:19.999
I can\'t.

00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:23.500
But all I can keep
telling them...

00:34:23.501 --> 00:34:26.459
is that he loved them.

00:34:28.999 --> 00:34:34.334
I get so angry at that drug
addiction for taking him away.

00:34:37.751 --> 00:34:39.791
And then when I get too angry

00:34:39.792 --> 00:34:44.584
and just can\'t deal
with it anymore, I leave it.

00:34:51.042 --> 00:34:52.082
- Come on, keep going.

00:34:52.083 --> 00:34:56.458
Put your next foot over
like that and just keep going.

00:34:56.459 --> 00:34:59.416
- We\'re here. Go ahead.

00:34:59.417 --> 00:35:00.875
We\'ll catch you.
- Nooo.

00:35:00.876 --> 00:35:02.500
- You too scared?
- Please....

00:35:02.501 --> 00:35:04.999
- Well, do you want to get down?
- No.

00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:09.998
I just want to go this far.
- You just want to go that far.

00:35:09.999 --> 00:35:13.998
Look, he\'s behind you.
He\'ll help you.

00:35:13.999 --> 00:35:15.249
- Keep going.

00:35:15.250 --> 00:35:16.833
- Stand up like your sister did.

00:35:16.834 --> 00:35:18.998
You were watching her,
how she did it?

00:35:18.999 --> 00:35:20.791
- No.
- Look. Do like her.

00:35:20.792 --> 00:35:22.583
Look. See what she\'s doing?
Do that.

00:35:22.584 --> 00:35:25.959
- Nooo.
- Want me to catch you?

00:35:26.999 --> 00:35:31.041
- I\'m gonna try to hang on this.

00:35:31.042 --> 00:35:34.333
- You got it?
- Yeah.

00:35:34.334 --> 00:35:36.998
- Let go?
- No.

00:35:36.999 --> 00:35:37.792
- You okay?

00:35:37.793 --> 00:35:40.041
- She\'s gonna try
just standing there.

00:35:40.042 --> 00:35:44.125
- Watch your hands.
- Tell me when I can go, okay?

00:35:46.292 --> 00:35:49.750
- Okay? Can I grab you?
Okay, drop.

00:35:49.751 --> 00:35:53.125
- Tell Skaron not to shake it.

00:36:02.876 --> 00:36:03.917
Ah!

00:36:03.918 --> 00:36:08.998
- But then you go back to
thinking about the happy times

00:36:08.999 --> 00:36:09.999
that we had and...

00:36:10.000 --> 00:36:11.791
how much stuff
he did for the kids

00:36:11.792 --> 00:36:15.875
and how he was always there
for the kids and there for me

00:36:15.876 --> 00:36:16.584
and there for his family.

00:36:16.585 --> 00:36:18.583
If anybody ever needed anything,
he was there.

00:36:18.584 --> 00:36:23.208
He would always do whatever
he could, for anybody.

00:36:23.209 --> 00:36:27.541
- Everything people said here
is true.

00:36:27.542 --> 00:36:30.999
He was the best. He was good.

00:36:31.000 --> 00:36:34.583
And saying that he would
do anything for you, it\'s true.

00:36:34.584 --> 00:36:38.751
He always wanted to help around
the house, anything.

00:36:39.918 --> 00:36:44.834
And he loved his kids.
Boy, that\'s one thing I know.

00:36:47.459 --> 00:36:50.125
He loved all the whole family.

00:36:51.542 --> 00:36:55.208
- It was really good to have me
and him, uh...

00:36:55.209 --> 00:36:59.416
The only guys from town
who were playing in Chateauguay

00:36:59.417 --> 00:37:02.082
and... it\'s really hard

00:37:02.083 --> 00:37:04.958
to talk about him.

00:37:04.959 --> 00:37:07.998
But when I think of him,
it makes...

00:37:07.999 --> 00:37:11.292
it puts a smile on my face.

00:37:18.334 --> 00:37:20.999
I really miss him a lot.

00:37:24.918 --> 00:37:25.626
- It was me, Sean,

00:37:25.627 --> 00:37:29.917
and Lloyd, John-John and Jody,
who were on the team.

00:37:29.918 --> 00:37:33.082
- Yeah, all of us
on the same team.

00:37:33.083 --> 00:37:36.541
- All first cousins
on the same team.

00:37:36.542 --> 00:37:38.750
And I wasn\'t a very good player.

00:37:38.751 --> 00:37:41.875
Like John-John, he was always
good at sports

00:37:41.876 --> 00:37:44.666
and he\'d hit home runs
all the time.

00:37:44.667 --> 00:37:47.999
And I remember always
trying to hit the ball

00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:50.249
and I would never
hit a good shot.

00:37:50.250 --> 00:37:55.917
I remember, one time, I hit the
ball and I hit it in the field,

00:37:55.918 --> 00:37:59.998
a home run, and I\'m running
around the bases and running

00:37:59.999 --> 00:38:02.998
and then here I\'m coming around
third base

00:38:02.999 --> 00:38:05.374
and John-John\'s yelling,
\"Run, run, run! Go!\"

00:38:05.375 --> 00:38:10.082
So I run on home plate.
I get a home run, I\'m happy,

00:38:10.083 --> 00:38:12.791
and I says,
\"I was proud of myself.\"

00:38:12.792 --> 00:38:15.333
But John-John
was even more proud of me.

00:38:15.334 --> 00:38:20.998
He was more happy than I was
for hitting the home run.

00:38:20.999 --> 00:38:22.917
And I always remember that.

00:38:22.918 --> 00:38:25.999
That\'s the type of person
he was.

00:38:27.999 --> 00:38:31.998
- I know how much everyone
in our family loved him,

00:38:31.999 --> 00:38:33.875
how much we all still miss him.

00:38:33.876 --> 00:38:37.998
It\'s been four years and I
believe we will always miss him.

00:38:37.999 --> 00:38:41.416
I mean, that feeling
will never go away.

00:38:41.417 --> 00:38:43.999
It will never leave us.

00:39:01.999 --> 00:39:04.416
- I think it was on a Monday.
I didn\'t go to school.

00:39:04.417 --> 00:39:06.999
And my dad had called and said,
\"Did Lance go to school yet?\"

00:39:07.000 --> 00:39:09.875
I was one the phone and said,
\"No, I didn\'t go to school.\"

00:39:09.876 --> 00:39:12.416
He said, \"Do you want to come to
Anna\'s house and plant flowers?\"

00:39:12.417 --> 00:39:15.583
I said, \"Yeah, sure, I would
love it.\" And then we went

00:39:15.584 --> 00:39:17.998
and there was, like,
a garden along the side way,

00:39:17.999 --> 00:39:21.750
so we dug that all up and with
the rakes and it was so fun.

00:39:21.751 --> 00:39:26.998
And then we took out... It was
just the beginning of spring,

00:39:26.999 --> 00:39:29.998
so we took out
all her fake flowers

00:39:29.999 --> 00:39:34.875
and made it look nice
and we put the Diabo ducks

00:39:34.876 --> 00:39:37.625
and then she put a gazebo thing

00:39:37.626 --> 00:39:42.958
and then we wrote our initials
like in John and Lance.

00:39:42.959 --> 00:39:49.167
And then we planted
and we just had a lot of fun.

00:39:51.542 --> 00:39:52.459
I think that it\'s like...

00:39:52.460 --> 00:39:57.750
I don\'t know, I think it was
a good day for me and my dad.

00:39:57.751 --> 00:40:01.875
It was nice and hot
and a day like this today.

00:40:01.876 --> 00:40:03.998
- And do you think about that?

00:40:03.999 --> 00:40:06.459
- Yeah, most of the times.

00:40:09.083 --> 00:40:12.625
It makes me feel a little sad,
because then, it\'s like,

00:40:12.626 --> 00:40:17.208
you\'re only 11 and your dad died
when you were younger, so...

00:40:17.209 --> 00:40:17.999
I don\'t know.

00:40:18.000 --> 00:40:21.501
It\'s just hard...
to go through it.

00:40:23.876 --> 00:40:26.291
- One way of getting through,

00:40:26.292 --> 00:40:29.666
or helping us deal
with John\'s loss,

00:40:29.667 --> 00:40:30.998
was celebrating his birthday,

00:40:30.999 --> 00:40:34.082
celebrating the anniversary
of his death,

00:40:34.083 --> 00:40:35.625
but in a positive way.

00:40:35.626 --> 00:40:39.750
I believe what helped us get
through up to now,

00:40:39.751 --> 00:40:42.458
is that we found
a spiritual connection.

00:40:42.459 --> 00:40:44.500
We found our medicines,
our tobacco,

00:40:44.501 --> 00:40:47.041
and we asked the creator
just to take away

00:40:47.042 --> 00:40:50.791
the negative feelings
and give us energy for today,

00:40:50.792 --> 00:40:51.501
just for today.

00:40:51.502 --> 00:40:55.124
- I mean, my family,
we went through a lot.

00:40:55.125 --> 00:40:56.083
Everyone, the whole family,

00:40:56.084 --> 00:40:59.541
and no other family
should go through it.

00:40:59.542 --> 00:41:02.998
And it\'s still, like everyone
else, it seems like yesterday.

00:41:02.999 --> 00:41:05.999
I could remember the day
it happened and everything.

00:41:06.000 --> 00:41:11.208
I mean, I tried to deal with it,
some of it,

00:41:11.209 --> 00:41:11.999
but I mean...

00:41:12.000 --> 00:41:15.917
there\'s still some things
that I haven\'t dealt with.

00:41:15.918 --> 00:41:18.708
- We need to learn
how to live our life now.

00:41:18.709 --> 00:41:20.208
We\'ve been surviving
for many years,

00:41:20.209 --> 00:41:22.917
and, uh, to get back
to the suicide,

00:41:22.918 --> 00:41:25.998
there\'s still a lot
that we don\'t know.

00:41:25.999 --> 00:41:27.249
We\'re still learning.

00:41:27.250 --> 00:41:30.249
And I know that my children
also felt responsible.

00:41:30.250 --> 00:41:33.917
They also felt like if they
would\'ve not said something,

00:41:33.918 --> 00:41:36.082
or if they would\'ve done
something a different way,

00:41:36.083 --> 00:41:38.416
that maybe it wouldn\'t have
happened.

00:41:38.417 --> 00:41:39.458
I just keep on letting them know

00:41:39.459 --> 00:41:43.208
it had nothing to do with them.
And it had all to do

00:41:43.209 --> 00:41:46.751
with the drugs, the addiction
that took over.

00:41:50.501 --> 00:41:56.208
- The link between drug abuse
and suicide is so high.

00:41:56.209 --> 00:41:57.875
In most cases of suicide,

00:41:57.876 --> 00:42:01.374
drug or alcohol abuse
is usually a factor.

00:42:01.375 --> 00:42:02.998
I was shocked to learn that.

00:42:02.999 --> 00:42:04.625
It was something
that I didn\'t know.

00:42:04.626 --> 00:42:08.998
- You can\'t explain enough
how powerful it is,

00:42:08.999 --> 00:42:12.291
that it consumes
every aspect of your life.

00:42:12.292 --> 00:42:15.958
You know, you can have family,
you can have children,

00:42:15.959 --> 00:42:21.208
you can have a home, you can
have the love of your life,

00:42:21.209 --> 00:42:22.917
and it\'s just not...

00:42:22.918 --> 00:42:23.459
what you need.

00:42:23.460 --> 00:42:26.416
- There are kids
that are addicted to drugs now

00:42:26.417 --> 00:42:28.666
that are only
12, 13, 14 years old.

00:42:28.667 --> 00:42:34.998
So the education has to happen
well before that.

00:42:34.999 --> 00:42:35.999
Well before high school.

00:42:36.000 --> 00:42:40.082
- Girls. It\'s the girls
that we\'re seeing,

00:42:40.083 --> 00:42:44.750
who are young teens,
who are having problems

00:42:44.751 --> 00:42:46.374
with alcohol and drugs.

00:42:46.375 --> 00:42:49.875
I mean, there... there\'s...
as well as boys,

00:42:49.876 --> 00:42:52.998
but what we\'re seeing more of
is girls.

00:42:52.999 --> 00:42:56.500
- What kind of addictions
do people have in the community?

00:42:56.501 --> 00:42:58.958
- What are these teenagers,
or young people,

00:42:58.959 --> 00:42:59.998
what are they struggling with?

00:42:59.999 --> 00:43:04.166
- Well, I think right now,
it\'s a lot of the drugs

00:43:04.167 --> 00:43:06.374
and there\'s, um...

00:43:06.375 --> 00:43:09.374
from marijuana to uh...

00:43:09.375 --> 00:43:12.998
to cocaine to ecstasy and, uh...

00:43:12.999 --> 00:43:14.998
PCP and mescaline and...

00:43:14.999 --> 00:43:19.999
Really, anything
that you can find in Montreal

00:43:20.000 --> 00:43:23.834
is here in the community.

00:43:27.167 --> 00:43:30.875
- The people in the community
have to open their eyes

00:43:30.876 --> 00:43:34.541
and say, \"Yes...\"... like
everybody else was saying...

00:43:34.542 --> 00:43:36.166
That we have to do something.

00:43:36.167 --> 00:43:39.124
If all the women in this
community have to get up

00:43:39.125 --> 00:43:42.998
and say, \"Isn\'t it time we did
something about our community?\"

00:43:42.999 --> 00:43:44.500
What\'s happening to our
community?

00:43:44.501 --> 00:43:46.291
We\'re gonna be losing
our children.

00:43:46.292 --> 00:43:48.374
What are they gonna be doing?
You know?

00:43:48.375 --> 00:43:53.583
And we think there\'s not that
much drugs in this community,

00:43:53.584 --> 00:43:54.292
but it\'s terrible.

00:43:54.293 --> 00:43:57.666
- A couple of parents
were sitting down across me...

00:43:57.667 --> 00:44:00.124
And I\'m talking about
10- and 11-year-old kids...

00:44:00.125 --> 00:44:05.541
Told us that there was a boy
in whatever grade, five or six,

00:44:05.542 --> 00:44:09.750
that was asking the kids if they
wanted to buy cocaine.

00:44:09.751 --> 00:44:14.249
- They put up a couple
of nice signs saying, you know,

00:44:14.250 --> 00:44:17.082
\"Kahnawake is, um,
zero tolerance on drugs,\"

00:44:17.083 --> 00:44:19.458
but it\'s a sign, you know. Yeah.

00:44:19.459 --> 00:44:22.998
And then as soon
as the sign is put up,

00:44:22.999 --> 00:44:24.917
it makes the community look good

00:44:24.918 --> 00:44:26.958
that we have zero tolerance
on drugs,

00:44:26.959 --> 00:44:30.416
but nothing\'s really happening,
you know. It\'s still....

00:44:30.417 --> 00:44:32.124
It still exists.
It still exists,

00:44:32.125 --> 00:44:35.750
and something has to be done.
It has to be more than a sign.

00:44:35.751 --> 00:44:37.666
It has to be more
than just words.

00:44:37.667 --> 00:44:40.124
- Diabetes, uh, program.

00:44:40.125 --> 00:44:43.999
I mean, look at all the effort
that\'s in there,

00:44:44.000 --> 00:44:47.082
the funding and the effort
in there.

00:44:47.083 --> 00:44:47.918
It\'s working.

00:44:47.919 --> 00:44:51.998
- It\'s taught in the school,
as a subject, once a week.

00:44:51.999 --> 00:44:54.458
- Yeah.
- It\'s taught as a subject.

00:44:54.459 --> 00:44:56.833
So they lobbied
the education centre,

00:44:56.834 --> 00:44:59.708
or whatever they did,
they got it in,

00:44:59.709 --> 00:45:03.999
to be taught once a week.
It was that important.

00:45:04.000 --> 00:45:05.458
So why can\'t we...?

00:45:05.459 --> 00:45:10.583
I mean, people realize
that this is that important.

00:45:10.584 --> 00:45:11.998
Yeah.
- Very important.

00:45:11.999 --> 00:45:15.208
- Talk about, like, marijuana
and stuff, like you would say,

00:45:15.209 --> 00:45:16.998
\"They don\'t think
it\'s that bad.\"

00:45:16.999 --> 00:45:18.458
But they call it
the gateway drug.

00:45:18.459 --> 00:45:20.416
They start smokin\' marijuana,
then after that,

00:45:20.417 --> 00:45:23.833
well, they move on to whatever,
cocaine and then crack

00:45:23.834 --> 00:45:26.166
and whatever else
and it\'s just a snowball.

00:45:26.167 --> 00:45:28.999
Like Gregory was saying,
something has to be done

00:45:29.000 --> 00:45:31.791
and, and again, you know,
you can\'t just say,

00:45:31.792 --> 00:45:35.791
\"Okay, it\'s up to the police
or it\'s up to Social Services

00:45:35.792 --> 00:45:38.833
or it\'s up to the Council.\"
No, it\'s up to us all.

00:45:38.834 --> 00:45:40.082
People know things
are happening next door,

00:45:40.083 --> 00:45:42.958
but they won\'t call the police
or they won\'t report it.

00:45:42.959 --> 00:45:44.374
Or they know somebody
has a drug problem,

00:45:44.375 --> 00:45:48.166
but they won\'t tell the parents
or they won\'t tell the family,

00:45:48.167 --> 00:45:50.625
so people have to start
talking about it.

00:45:50.626 --> 00:45:52.958
It\'s a taboo.
No one wants to touch it.

00:45:52.959 --> 00:45:56.625
But look, if you don\'t deal with
it, look where we are today.

00:45:56.626 --> 00:45:59.917
People don\'t want to deal with
it and all the pain and hurt,

00:45:59.918 --> 00:46:02.750
something, all these years.
They said four years later

00:46:02.751 --> 00:46:03.791
and the pain is still there.

00:46:03.792 --> 00:46:07.374
- If people are not going
to accept the fact

00:46:07.375 --> 00:46:12.791
that you could have alcohol or
drug problems in our community,

00:46:12.792 --> 00:46:13.917
it\'s never gonna change.

00:46:13.918 --> 00:46:17.708
I think one of the things
that struck me the most

00:46:17.709 --> 00:46:21.082
is how, when somebody
is in rehab and comes out,

00:46:21.083 --> 00:46:23.998
there\'s, yeah, there\'s support.
What is the support?

00:46:23.999 --> 00:46:25.917
For me, it\'s minimal.
It\'s minimal.

00:46:25.918 --> 00:46:28.583
There\'s, okay, we\'ll see
a counsellor once a week

00:46:28.584 --> 00:46:31.541
or every other day,
whatever it was. It\'s nothing.

00:46:31.542 --> 00:46:34.082
It\'s nothing. A person
needs more than that.

00:46:34.083 --> 00:46:36.998
They need to start rebuilding
their life.

00:46:36.999 --> 00:46:41.666
I\'ve said to Dale, the Council
needs to get involved,

00:46:41.667 --> 00:46:45.625
because they need
to put these people to work.

00:46:45.626 --> 00:46:47.998
Maybe they don\'t have
much confidence in them

00:46:47.999 --> 00:46:51.875
because they were, you know,
involved in alcohol or drugs,

00:46:51.876 --> 00:46:54.998
but that has to be
one of the steps,

00:46:54.999 --> 00:46:57.333
because they have to reestablish
their self-esteem.

00:46:57.334 --> 00:47:02.166
So if they can\'t find a job...
there goes their self-esteem,

00:47:02.167 --> 00:47:05.291
and they\'re back right
where they started from.

00:47:05.292 --> 00:47:07.998
- That\'s one thing that
hopefully by doing this,

00:47:07.999 --> 00:47:10.791
it could help people realize
that if it can happen

00:47:10.792 --> 00:47:14.291
to our family... which I believe
we have a strong, close family.

00:47:14.292 --> 00:47:17.791
Sure, we have our differences,
but we have a strong family.

00:47:17.792 --> 00:47:20.998
And if something like this
can happen to our family,

00:47:20.999 --> 00:47:22.500
it can happen
to anybody\'s family.

00:47:22.501 --> 00:47:25.416
And if the community\'s
mind-set doesn\'t change...

00:47:25.417 --> 00:47:30.249
You can throw all the programs
out there, whatever you want,

00:47:30.250 --> 00:47:31.998
and all the treatment services

00:47:31.999 --> 00:47:34.998
and millions of dollars
into something...

00:47:34.999 --> 00:47:36.500
It ain\'t gonna be successful.

00:47:36.501 --> 00:47:38.875
So that\'s why it has to come
from the community.

00:47:38.876 --> 00:47:43.334
The people have to realize that
only we can make a difference.

00:48:00.999 --> 00:48:03.166
- I think they\'re okay.
They have their moments.

00:48:03.167 --> 00:48:05.082
They each have their own moments
individually

00:48:05.083 --> 00:48:09.541
where they say they miss him
and they cry for a little while.

00:48:09.542 --> 00:48:12.791
But to talk
and tell a funny story,

00:48:12.792 --> 00:48:15.458
they can do that without
getting sad right afterwards.

00:48:15.459 --> 00:48:19.998
They can tell their story and
we continue on with our day.

00:48:19.999 --> 00:48:21.999
So we can still do it.

00:48:22.000 --> 00:48:22.834
But it\'s still...

00:48:22.835 --> 00:48:26.416
Yeah, once in a while,
they have their crying moments.

00:48:26.417 --> 00:48:29.291
\"Why? Why?
Why did he have to die?\"

00:48:29.292 --> 00:48:31.751
\"And we miss him.\"

00:48:41.999 --> 00:48:47.583
- I think, How did I do it?
How did I cope with all this?

00:48:47.584 --> 00:48:48.417
How did I...?

00:48:48.418 --> 00:48:50.666
And I have no idea.

00:48:50.667 --> 00:48:54.998
Is it something
that Ma instilled in me,

00:48:54.999 --> 00:48:57.999
that you have to be strong,

00:48:58.000 --> 00:49:01.998
that you have to,
you know, go on?

00:49:01.999 --> 00:49:04.791
I don\'t know.
If I\'m sitting here today

00:49:04.792 --> 00:49:08.875
and still have a right mind
after all I went through,

00:49:08.876 --> 00:49:13.124
I have to credit my mother
with that... our mother.

00:49:13.125 --> 00:49:17.124
Because she gave us strength.

00:49:17.125 --> 00:49:19.416
- I mean, I have a good life.

00:49:19.417 --> 00:49:24.542
I\'m happy, I love my husband,
and I love my kids.

00:49:26.459 --> 00:49:30.041
But there\'s still...
there\'s a void.

00:49:30.042 --> 00:49:34.751
It could be so much nicer
if John was here.

00:49:50.375 --> 00:49:54.291
- It was all of the kids
and my dad and Trina,

00:49:54.292 --> 00:49:58.291
and we would spend the day there
and we would swim.

00:49:58.292 --> 00:50:02.666
It was like our own
private backyard

00:50:02.667 --> 00:50:04.416
and it felt like
there was nobody

00:50:04.417 --> 00:50:07.292
that could
take you away from it.

00:50:11.375 --> 00:50:13.998
There would be like a different
side of the world,

00:50:13.999 --> 00:50:16.917
than it would be like mine
and my daddy\'s world

00:50:16.918 --> 00:50:20.708
and we\'d watch the sun go down.

00:50:20.709 --> 00:50:23.791
And he would say that\'s heaven.

00:50:23.792 --> 00:50:27.791
And just, like,
to see the sun go down,

00:50:27.792 --> 00:50:30.124
and it was, like, cool,
\'cause...

00:50:30.125 --> 00:50:33.166
you see all the different
colours in the sun

00:50:33.167 --> 00:50:37.501
reflect off the water,
reflect off like my face.

00:50:40.792 --> 00:50:45.374
And everybody, all the kids...
And it looked like a place...

00:50:45.375 --> 00:50:49.751
It\'s a place
that we\'d spend time there.

00:50:59.999 --> 00:51:03.751
Captioning by CNST, Montreal