00:39.720 --> 00:44.110
Flowers are coming. They're coming up, they are
coming up.

00:49.220 --> 00:50.659
These flowers are coming.

00:52.349 --> 00:53.880
They're coming up, they're coming up.

00:59.110 --> 01:03.729
They are like those. Go off to school.

01:16.019 --> 01:20.220
When I was younger, I would walk in front of a
mirror and I would look at myself and I just

01:20.220 --> 01:22.690
never recognized that reflection.

01:23.019 --> 01:26.260
I actually said out loud, who are you?

01:30.529 --> 01:37.519
Oh, when you finally start to see.

01:38.879 --> 01:44.989
In my case, the female me looking back was
the first time I started to see the person I

01:44.989 --> 01:46.099
expected to see.

01:48.790 --> 01:55.089
Rising. And I can hear

01:58.500 --> 02:05.419
Too close.
First realized something was up when I was

02:05.419 --> 02:06.790
about five years old.

02:08.529 --> 02:10.768
Guessing at the time, I didn't know what the
words were.

02:11.169 --> 02:13.199
It wasn't like, I wish I was a girl.

02:15.039 --> 02:17.889
Those were thoughts that would come later.
It's cocktail hour,

02:18.020 --> 02:21.779
Madison, but you don't drink, so you're not
enjoying.

02:21.940 --> 02:24.410
You won't enjoy yourself as much as I'm doing.

02:30.770 --> 02:33.720
Well, it wasn't one of his better dives. Let's
put it that way.

02:34.009 --> 02:37.929
But, um, Herb, sorry, sorry, I goofed up.

02:40.089 --> 02:44.839
My name's Vivian Park Hill and, uh, I'm Madison's
grandmother.

02:45.250 --> 02:49.000
Well, some of the dives
I don't think girls would do.

02:49.399 --> 02:54.380
No, but we're here alone, or at least as alone
as we can be under the circumstances.

02:54.440 --> 02:58.000
So if it gives you fun, why not?
But if you were in a public pool,

02:58.080 --> 03:02.279
I would suggest that you don't do that because
they think, 'What heck is that woman doing?'

03:05.500 --> 03:09.210
Madison came to Toronto when she was 17.

03:09.419 --> 03:12.779
The other members of her family are in New
Brunswick.

03:14.179 --> 03:17.979
And, um, Madison feels free to come here.

03:18.309 --> 03:21.339
She knows where the key is hidden and if it's
not the first home,

03:21.350 --> 03:28.289
it's the second home.
It came as a great surprise when he told us

03:28.289 --> 03:30.149
that he wanted to be a she.

03:31.149 --> 03:33.649
It was about a year ago, I suppose.

03:33.860 --> 03:38.210
I was very sympathetic toward him or her.
He was him at the time,

03:38.619 --> 03:43.820
but nevertheless, it is an extraordinary
event, not one that I think most families have

03:43.820 --> 03:45.470
to have to deal with.

03:45.820 --> 03:49.179
It was one thing to tell people.
It was another thing for them to actually see

03:49.179 --> 03:50.289
me as Madison.

03:50.539 --> 03:52.800
That was the beginning of what's called the
real life test,

03:52.979 --> 03:55.649
which is where you have to actually live, as in
my case,

03:55.660 --> 03:58.539
a woman.
Now, if you're a trans guy, then live as a guy

03:58.539 --> 04:00.619
for at least a year before surgery.

04:01.130 --> 04:04.639
A lot of people, I would tell them, and they'd be
like, intellectually, you'd be like,

04:04.710 --> 04:06.130
OK, this person's trans.

04:06.869 --> 04:09.669
But then, when they actually saw me presenting
as female,

04:10.600 --> 04:11.600
it's in your face.

04:18.229 --> 04:21.498
By the time I was old enough to start
identifying myself,

04:22.069 --> 04:24.859
I identified myself as being not normal.

04:25.509 --> 04:30.378
I had a group of friends who all were, in their
way, not normal,

04:30.908 --> 04:34.748
whether it was disability, whether it was
political inclination,

04:35.269 --> 04:37.748
a couple, and they turned out to be gay, lesbian.

04:38.739 --> 04:44.720
So I saw myself in terms of being part of a
different crowd.

04:46.160 --> 04:50.730
But ironically, despite that, I still wouldn't
let myself admit at the time that

04:51.420 --> 04:52.670
I wanted to be a girl.

04:54.459 --> 04:58.000
Even when I started transitioning and I started
seeing myself as a woman,

04:58.299 --> 04:59.890
there were still parts of me that said

05:00.600 --> 05:02.809
you're a guy trying to look like a woman.

05:03.299 --> 05:07.739
And probably one of the hardest parts of
transition was reaching a point where I could

05:07.739 --> 05:08.809
see myself.

05:09.459 --> 05:11.420
Look at myself in the mirror, look at my hands,
look at my feet,

05:11.519 --> 05:14.980
look at my body, and say, without even thinking,
this is a woman's body.

05:25.279 --> 05:28.799
The technical term for transsexuality is gender
identity dysphoria.

05:29.579 --> 05:32.510
And it's a really accurate term.

05:32.820 --> 05:36.820
One of the leading theories is that
transsexuals are born with the brain of the

05:36.820 --> 05:39.220
opposite gender compared to their physiology.

05:39.500 --> 05:42.179
It was like my brain expected to be a woman.

05:46.899 --> 05:52.290
I've been dying to see what you would look like
with wavy, curly hair, and so you,

05:52.309 --> 05:57.910
you'll probably shriek in outrage and say I
hate it,

05:58.480 --> 06:01.149
even though I've always said that I've always
felt female,

06:01.559 --> 06:06.119
that doesn't necessarily translate to
immediately knowing what it is to be a woman.

06:07.820 --> 06:09.559
That comes through life experiences.

06:09.760 --> 06:14.920
You know, I'm not a professional hairdresser,
Madison, and I've never had any mad, wild desire

06:14.920 --> 06:16.760
to be a professional hairdresser.

06:18.829 --> 06:25.329
Whoops, for me personally, I wouldn't expect
anyone to see me as a woman if I grew a beard

06:25.329 --> 06:30.959
or if I still had a rough voice.
I mean, there are obviously certain things,

06:31.290 --> 06:35.079
Social cues, that arguably many of them are
social constructs,

06:35.410 --> 06:37.970
but they are there in our society.
There are certain things that are key

06:37.970 --> 06:40.440
indicators when you first see someone, you make
an instant decision.

06:40.489 --> 06:42.000
Is this person male or female?

06:42.329 --> 06:44.299
For some reason I feel like I'm 50.

06:44.809 --> 06:47.170
Feel like what?
I'm 50, 50.

06:48.600 --> 06:52.440
Well, I mean, most people your age don't have
their hair in hot rollers,

06:52.559 --> 06:53.760
let's put it that way.

06:54.519 --> 06:56.769
However, that's the only way I know how to do
it.

06:56.950 --> 07:02.480
Nicole Kidman has had that, you know, very
curly hair down her back and it looks stunning

07:02.480 --> 07:04.799
on her.
Why wouldn't you look just as stunning,

07:04.839 --> 07:09.769
hey?
Hey, I think the first time that I realized

07:09.769 --> 07:13.859
that I was a female was when men found me to be
attractive.

07:14.630 --> 07:21.410
Um, certainly I was brought up to think of
myself, not as a female and not as a male,

07:21.429 --> 07:26.149
but as me, you know, a person that, uh, I mean,
I always wore shorts.

07:26.190 --> 07:29.000
I was always up trees and on roofs.
I was a tomboy.

07:29.429 --> 07:34.040
And um, it wasn't until I was about 17 that I
went out on a date.

07:34.230 --> 07:38.660
I thought, here I am being, um, uh, treated
like a lady,

07:38.739 --> 07:43.779
you know, and I think it was, it was really a
transition from childhood to womanhood that

07:43.779 --> 07:46.579
made me feel, uh, like a woman.

07:47.359 --> 07:50.549
Well, it's just a little bit wavy at the bottom.
Now if you like,

07:50.640 --> 07:54.720
I can use the the wand, the curling wand wand
and put some curls in.

07:56.750 --> 07:59.040
I think my grandmother wants to help me for a
few reasons.

07:59.100 --> 08:01.329
I mean, first of all, she's just really cool
and I think,

08:01.459 --> 08:05.130
you know, she wants to help me out.
I, I would say by far that's the main driving

08:05.130 --> 08:09.000
factor, but.
I think from something she said in the past it

08:09.000 --> 08:12.480
might be a bit of being able to live
vicariously through me when she was younger she

08:12.480 --> 08:18.160
was quite attractive she still is given her age
especially and people talk to her about

08:18.160 --> 08:25.119
becoming a model and she passed on it and I
think her helping me would be a way for

08:25.119 --> 08:26.480
her to sort of go back and.

08:27.329 --> 08:30.500
You know that a little bit of an indirect
second chance.

08:30.700 --> 08:33.409
There are two things, and one is.

08:34.390 --> 08:38.500
Your nose, um, you have a little bit of a bend
in your nose there,

08:38.630 --> 08:41.900
which I think would not require a tremendous
amount of surgery,

08:42.190 --> 08:46.780
Just to take that little bump out there.
I don't think you need a real nose job.

08:46.989 --> 08:48.309
You just need that.

08:49.179 --> 08:52.929
And, um, the other thing is your feet, you know,
you have,

08:53.500 --> 08:57.090
you don't have pretty feet, but I mean, apart
from that,

08:57.419 --> 08:59.530
everything about you is great, you know.

08:59.820 --> 09:02.820
And so, you know, how many people can say that,
you know,

09:02.900 --> 09:08.059
I don't have very attractive feet and I need a tiny bit of work done on my nose,

09:08.099 --> 09:11.619
you know, when you start taking hormones, um.

09:12.450 --> 09:15.320
The first thing that happens is you stop being
able to have erections.

09:15.590 --> 09:18.090
In short, you go through female puberty.

09:18.419 --> 09:21.340
Um, the only thing that's missing is because we
obviously don't have a uterus,

09:21.380 --> 09:22.570
we don't have periods.

09:22.979 --> 09:26.789
You get the mood swings, you get breast growth,
and your skin softens,

09:27.179 --> 09:30.349
your muscle density, um, reduces upper body
strength.

09:30.419 --> 09:33.969
It rather amazes me how much upper body
strength I lost.

09:41.409 --> 09:45.369
After about three months, you're pretty much
sterile for the rest of your life.

09:45.450 --> 09:47.530
Even if you stop hormones, you'll probably
never have kids,

09:47.729 --> 09:49.919
but a lot of the other effects will reverse if
you stop.

09:52.830 --> 09:55.179
You start off with a low dose.
They take a lot of blood,

09:55.219 --> 09:57.309
they keep monitoring it to see where the
hormone levels are,

09:57.380 --> 10:01.460
and they kind of tweak
how many anti-androgens you're taking and how

10:01.460 --> 10:05.330
much estrogen you're taking until your
testosterone drops to a female level and your

10:05.330 --> 10:10.969
estrogen rises to a female level, at which
point you go on basically a maintenance plan

10:10.969 --> 10:13.239
where it keeps you at that for the rest of your
life.

10:13.330 --> 10:15.890
The only time it really changes is, um,

10:17.080 --> 10:18.109
after you've had the surgery.

10:28.030 --> 10:30.830
Going for a road trip.
I'm going to be driving with my grandmother,

10:31.030 --> 10:36.280
um, from here all the way down to Pompano Beach,
Florida and having the big dramatic meet my mom

10:36.280 --> 10:41.450
moment.
He told me that he had told his mother.

10:41.820 --> 10:46.659
That's the first thing.
And his mother is living abroad and I

10:46.659 --> 10:49.710
telephoned her and she was dreadfully upset.

10:50.409 --> 10:54.270
And she cried on the telephone to me.

10:55.280 --> 10:57.400
And, uh, uh.

10:58.909 --> 11:01.309
Uh, she had just gone through, um,

11:02.359 --> 11:05.330
we were always going through a very difficult
marriage breakup,

11:05.340 --> 11:10.169
and I think that this was just the hair that
broke the camel's back.

11:10.460 --> 11:14.580
I talked to my mom a few days ago, um,
basically, we had a good talk.

11:14.619 --> 11:17.979
I just basically said, you know, so you nervous?
And she was like,

11:18.059 --> 11:21.099
Well, yeah.
I said, well, don't feel bad because I am too,

11:21.190 --> 11:24.619
and she kind of laughed and, you know,
nervously, so I said,

11:24.659 --> 11:27.099
you know, it's not often you get to meet your
kid twice beach bag,

11:27.140 --> 11:30.489
bathing suits and covers, hats, knee highs,
socks.

11:30.500 --> 11:32.690
It's really important that I'm taking the trip
with my grandmother.

11:33.020 --> 11:36.729
She's been
very instrumental in helping me get through

11:36.729 --> 11:39.849
the transition.
Black and white top, belts, nail polish.

11:39.950 --> 11:41.599
No, I don't have that.
You've got that.

11:41.770 --> 11:46.200
Earrings, necklace, tanning lotion, sunglasses,
spare eyeglasses,

11:46.809 --> 11:48.400
candy, very important.

11:48.770 --> 11:50.039
Tide Bounce.

11:51.409 --> 11:54.409
You know, they, they might think it's cocaine
at the port.

11:55.510 --> 11:56.950
They can smell it and they'll know very quickly.

11:57.830 --> 12:02.900
My grandmother has been the one who I've been
able to go to to talk to about really difficult

12:02.900 --> 12:04.630
things.
I mean, I've cried on her shoulder more than

12:04.630 --> 12:08.049
once.
Um, and it'll be nice to know that she'll be

12:08.049 --> 12:11.330
there up to just before I see my mom.

12:12.380 --> 12:16.489
Bob's your uncle and Fanny's your aunt, as you
say, in the old country.

12:16.820 --> 12:19.150
Don't take it all out at once, please, my dear.

12:21.090 --> 12:25.210
Thanks.
Even now I think I must have forgotten

12:25.210 --> 12:26.849
something despite all this.

12:28.619 --> 12:32.690
Oh dear.
What it is to be 80 and forgetful,

12:32.859 --> 12:34.210
dear Madison, there you go.

12:34.900 --> 12:41.250
I have persuaded her to Madison to dress quite
conservatively and uh

12:41.530 --> 12:46.859
and um and I think she will because don't
inflict too much on,

12:46.900 --> 12:51.020
on, on your mum at one time, you know, and I, I,
I think she listens,

12:51.099 --> 12:55.020
don't you, Madison?
I said about dressing conservatively when you

12:55.020 --> 12:56.500
meet your mum. Yeah.

13:00.859 --> 13:03.440
Not this conservatively.
It's gonna be fun.

13:03.609 --> 13:08.429
Madison and I get along.
We, we have jokes together and,

13:08.830 --> 13:12.559
and I tell him, I, I tell her if she's not good,
I'm gonna call her him,

13:12.650 --> 13:13.650
so.

13:44.380 --> 13:50.369
It's a gorgeous day.
Our first real day here, and uh, Madison actually

13:50.369 --> 13:52.570
went in the water. It took a lot of coaxing.

13:55.989 --> 13:59.669
When I try on a bathing suit, I feel really
exposed, and you know,

13:59.750 --> 14:03.830
it's like everything's out there.
There's very little between me and the world.

14:03.830 --> 14:09.219
Given the fact that I'm still a pre-op,
that's a very nerve-wracking experience.

14:12.090 --> 14:18.320
And she went in and I couldn't get her out.
Anyway, she had fun and finally saw me back in

14:18.320 --> 14:22.200
England.
She's very glad that she went in; it's gorgeous.

14:42.500 --> 14:44.140
You're like a flower.

14:45.159 --> 14:46.159
rising.

14:55.679 --> 14:56.679
And

15:04.150 --> 15:07.299
My hope is that my mom and I can start to be
close again.

15:07.820 --> 15:09.469
And I'm hoping that.

15:10.940 --> 15:13.770
This trip will allow that to start to return.

15:15.799 --> 15:17.229
When I started transitioning,

15:19.280 --> 15:23.109
as much as I knew who I was and who I needed to
be,

15:24.049 --> 15:29.239
it didn't change the fact that I had spent 25
years of my life as another person.

15:33.940 --> 15:40.250
And it takes some time.

15:45.340 --> 15:50.830
God, it takes some time.

15:52.570 --> 15:55.599
To be able to forget that person.

15:56.609 --> 15:58.080
What was it you were talking about?

15:59.270 --> 16:04.020
You were saying, you know, a few months
after you heard before I transitioned.

16:04.890 --> 16:09.150
You were saying you were trying to see where
you are now and try to see where you were years

16:09.150 --> 16:13.469
down the road, where everything was OK and
everything was normal again, and

16:14.130 --> 16:16.919
you didn't, you just, you didn't know how to
get from here to there.

16:18.260 --> 16:21.080
I know I didn't.
You just sort of look at the big picture and

16:21.659 --> 16:24.619
you have all these questions and all these
concerns, and

16:25.440 --> 16:30.539
you do just have to take it one day at a time
and just adjust things slowly.

16:30.789 --> 16:32.909
But as a parent, that's difficult to do.

16:33.849 --> 16:37.419
You tend to just want to absorb the whole
picture.

16:38.489 --> 16:41.080
And you can't do it. You can't do it.

16:42.179 --> 16:43.789
I gave birth to a son.

16:44.000 --> 16:48.599
I raised a son, so I thought, and, uh, it's
just that.

16:49.400 --> 16:50.520
That boy is gone.

16:50.840 --> 16:53.119
You know, it's great to have another daughter
and everything else,

16:53.200 --> 16:55.119
but my son, Matthew,

16:55.830 --> 16:57.150
is not really there anymore.

17:17.030 --> 17:21.380
In a few hours I'm gonna be getting a tracheal
shave, which is the removal of my Adam's apple.

17:21.719 --> 17:24.819
It's the removal of one more piece of who I
used to be.

17:27.390 --> 17:30.699
Who I was is fine.
But I'm not that person anymore,

17:31.229 --> 17:36.859
and this is a throwback to who I used to be and
because it's a throwback,

17:37.109 --> 17:42.880
it needs to go.
Women don't have Adam's apples,

17:43.199 --> 17:45.709
plain and simple.
I mean, yeah, there's some who have little bits,

17:45.869 --> 17:49.660
you know, a little bit slightly prominent,
but they don't have like that point there,

17:49.910 --> 17:56.579
and it's just something that's distinctly
masculine, and it's like, whatever,

17:56.670 --> 18:00.319
bio guys, it's not that I think that the
Adam's apple is in and of itself ugly,

18:00.349 --> 18:03.699
it's just ugly on me.
So I want it gone badly,

18:04.530 --> 18:07.280
badly enough that I'm dropping $3,000 on it.

18:09.829 --> 18:11.599
I know it's a very minor procedure.

18:12.930 --> 18:15.790
I'm going to be awake while they do it.
It's just a local anesthetic.

18:16.920 --> 18:18.589
Did you have a good sleep last night?

18:19.359 --> 18:21.319
That's good.
When it's all said and done, I'll probably be

18:21.319 --> 18:24.750
like, oh, that was easy, but right now I know,
I know.

18:25.469 --> 18:28.390
Oh, childbirth's worse.

18:31.439 --> 18:32.560
Fair point, fair point.

18:33.579 --> 18:40.540
It is the first step in this whole series of
steps and, um, so I

18:40.540 --> 18:45.619
guess there's no going back now and that's, uh,
that really is the, um,

18:46.780 --> 18:49.859
puts the stamp on it.
I'm going to put a little of the freezing in

18:49.859 --> 18:53.010
now.
She may not like this.

18:55.189 --> 18:59.520
Breathe away.
Now just breathe.

19:01.800 --> 19:04.349
OK, I'm just, uh, getting down to.

19:05.239 --> 19:06.290
Dear, I don't

19:15.010 --> 19:18.640
That's.
It's OK.

19:25.939 --> 19:27.290
Madison, it's all over.

19:27.500 --> 19:29.540
Thank you.
All right, you did well.

19:30.219 --> 19:32.890
Hello, Madison, my darling, how are you?

19:34.530 --> 19:36.359
You OK now?
It's all over and done with that you feel.

19:38.739 --> 19:43.069
How do you feel?
Mhm, you OK, you feel OK,

19:43.189 --> 19:46.369
that's good.
You try and have a little sleep,

19:46.430 --> 19:49.410
OK?
Close your eyes, think of something nice,

19:49.619 --> 19:54.329
beautiful perfume and lovely flowers.
I'll be back in a few minutes.

20:03.819 --> 20:04.199
Yeah.

20:12.300 --> 20:13.650
Yeah, one of those.

20:15.579 --> 20:19.199
You have to take four of the penicillin a day for
a week.

20:20.069 --> 20:23.689
And then you have to take this when you need it,
but every eight hours,

20:24.020 --> 20:25.430
but only if you need it.

20:27.060 --> 20:30.800
Um, one of the biggest questions you're always asked as trans is like,
are you sure?

20:30.939 --> 20:31.780
Are you sure?
Are you sure?

20:31.900 --> 20:33.739
Are you sure?
Like, oh my God, what if we make a mistake?

20:33.800 --> 20:35.770
It's, oh, it's gonna be so horrible.

20:36.300 --> 20:41.500
And when other people ask you that, it's like, no no no I mean and it's true it's not like you're
saying that trying to convince anyone you know

20:41.500 --> 20:45.650
saying that, trying to convince anyone, you know it's true intellectually,
but when everyone's gone and you've left your own

20:46.060 --> 20:50.300
devices, all of those nagging questions that
you're getting from everyone around you, are

20:50.300 --> 20:52.180
you sure?
Are you sure?

20:52.300 --> 20:53.939
Are you sure from the medical community, from
your friends,

20:54.060 --> 20:57.650
from your family, from yourself, it all kind of
builds up and it's like,

20:58.020 --> 20:59.890
you know, like have I missed something?

21:20.349 --> 21:26.189
Madison, early on, uh, I'd say, well, you're
not really a woman or someone would say that.

21:26.270 --> 21:29.069
Yes, I am, no ifs and buts about it.

21:29.969 --> 21:33.060
And um I said, well, surely that's a matter of
opinion.

21:33.180 --> 21:38.060
No, it's not.
I'm a woman and evidently Madison felt that

21:38.060 --> 21:42.449
because she thought she was a woman that
everybody else should feel the same way.

21:42.819 --> 21:44.939
And so it took quite some.

21:46.560 --> 21:52.359
Explaining, um, to convince Madison that she
couldn't expect other people to feel this way,

21:52.439 --> 21:56.280
but I said, look, um, if you want me to think
of you as a woman,

21:56.319 --> 22:02.800
if you want to dress like a woman, if you want,
if it's your greatest desire in the world to be

22:02.800 --> 22:07.319
a woman, then I'm happy for you, you know, and
I hope you get away with it and you succeed in

22:07.319 --> 22:10.760
being a woman, but I said you're going to have
to

22:11.260 --> 22:14.780
uh, uh, regulate your behavior and, and in, in
many ways.

22:14.859 --> 22:18.609
For example, the way Madison walks, strides and
the arms are going.

22:18.859 --> 22:21.489
It's, it's not a particularly feminine walk.

22:21.939 --> 22:25.729
Uh, maybe there are lots of women who walk that
way, but most women don't.

22:25.979 --> 22:28.900
Vivian's idea of gender.

22:30.479 --> 22:34.079
Is a little more firm and traditional, um.

22:36.739 --> 22:38.260
Arguably perfectly valid, I mean.

22:39.280 --> 22:45.040
Whenever anyone says that I'm somewhat
masculine in some way or another,

22:45.199 --> 22:51.430
it hurts.
But at the same time I've gotten used to it,

22:51.739 --> 22:56.949
so.
If she says, for example, I walk like a guy.

22:56.949 --> 22:58.439
Sometimes, or I

22:59.329 --> 23:00.719
act like a guy sometimes.

23:02.930 --> 23:04.199
It hurts, but that's her view.

23:09.219 --> 23:12.599
I'm new to this online dating thing, so mind me
if I don't really know what I'm doing.

23:13.439 --> 23:16.219
I guess I'm looking for a laid back kind of guy.
I'm from the country,

23:16.310 --> 23:18.630
so I'd like to meet someone who isn't afraid of
the woods.

23:18.869 --> 23:22.229
I prefer someone who is open-minded.
Nothing is a bigger turnoff for me than a

23:22.229 --> 23:23.660
racist or crude joke.

23:24.150 --> 23:28.979
So yeah, I'm picky.
I don't know how long it will be till I have

23:28.979 --> 23:30.550
surgery.
It's a very expensive surgery.

23:30.619 --> 23:35.250
I'm hoping to do it sooner than later, but what
if it's not another 2 years from now?

23:35.380 --> 23:37.050
I don't want to spend the next 2 years

23:39.709 --> 23:43.270
not having that aspect of my life, so it's like.

23:44.079 --> 23:46.699
What the hell?
Let's take some chances and see what happens.

23:46.949 --> 23:52.380
I'm not gonna mention anything about being
trans because I don't want people to look at it

23:52.380 --> 23:57.459
and be like, holy crap, and take off without even
having a chance to meet me or talk to me.

23:57.709 --> 24:02.229
Um, and also I think probably the more
realistic reason is that.

24:03.760 --> 24:10.459
I don't want chasers, and chasers are kind of a
trans community expression for people who

24:10.459 --> 24:16.209
basically fetishize transsexuals.
I am very leery about internet dating,

24:16.300 --> 24:18.500
but Madison said everybody does it.

24:20.089 --> 24:25.439
So I said, well, if you know any 80 year old
men, 80 year old men

24:28.010 --> 24:30.160
don't want me to look after them in their old
age.

24:30.229 --> 24:31.329
Let me know.

24:33.189 --> 24:38.030
I was originally planning on wearing this and
this, but I've got this too.

24:40.099 --> 24:42.089
I was gonna wear these too, but what do you
think about these ones?

24:43.079 --> 24:44.119
Well, that's nice.

24:47.449 --> 24:52.319
Either or, you should look OK, should look
gorgeous as usual.

24:52.640 --> 24:56.729
Take after your granny, of course. You know, I
think it

24:56.930 --> 24:59.449
will take 3, might take 4 if you're lucky.

25:03.099 --> 25:03.949
Do you want to hop is fine.
I just want help.

25:03.959 --> 25:09.420
Yeah.
So do you want to talk about last night,

25:09.619 --> 25:12.520
how you got on?
It wasn't anything special.

25:12.680 --> 25:17.479
I mean, the guy was nice.
But I don't know, it just felt like the

25:17.479 --> 25:18.589
conversation was kind of forced.

25:24.790 --> 25:26.500
A couple of guys stood out.

25:26.910 --> 25:29.250
This one guy, we had coffee.

25:29.469 --> 25:31.420
I could tell he probably wanted to kiss me
towards the end.

25:31.630 --> 25:33.579
I decided that's why it's time to tell someone.

25:33.790 --> 25:37.530
He was very nice about it.
He was like, well, I meant what I said

25:37.530 --> 25:41.920
yesterday.
But basically, I mean, he pretty much left

25:41.920 --> 25:44.010
it at that, but I could tell the underlying
messages, you know,

25:44.130 --> 25:48.969
but that's it.
The second guy I had met a couple of times and

25:48.969 --> 25:50.520
he's like, so am I gonna see you again?

25:50.969 --> 25:54.199
So I'm like, well, yes, but I think I should
probably tell you something first.

25:54.650 --> 25:59.449
The third guy that I was interested in, we hit it
off really well and he was just like,

26:01.849 --> 26:03.880
Oh, okay.

26:04.670 --> 26:06.030
He told me a few days later.

26:06.979 --> 26:10.859
When we talked again, he was like, yeah, I
didn't really sleep well for the next couple of

26:10.859 --> 26:13.619
days after you told me that, and he's like, but
you got your hooks into me,

26:13.739 --> 26:17.959
so.
I think anybody, regardless of sex, gender,

26:18.219 --> 26:21.209
perhaps I should use that word; it's more
popular now than sex,

26:21.500 --> 26:25.439
um.
I mean, you meet people of, of, of.

26:26.819 --> 26:28.140
All genders, really.

26:28.420 --> 26:32.099
And, um, if you can have a great friendship
with them,

26:32.180 --> 26:34.209
it's so rewarding in your life.

26:34.579 --> 26:38.349
You know what I said about your grandfather
that he was my best friend.

26:38.660 --> 26:40.890
I could talk to your grandfather about anything.

26:41.099 --> 26:42.930
This is my best friend, and he was.

26:46.589 --> 26:50.250
Now that there's an honest prospect of a
relationship,

26:50.880 --> 26:53.219
I realize I'm not as comfortable as I thought I
was.

26:54.550 --> 26:58.869
I was skating home, I got home, I took a gravel.
I felt like I was going to be sick,

26:59.229 --> 27:01.199
and I found myself almost panicking.

27:01.650 --> 27:05.689
It's not that I feel like I have to have the
surgery in order to be.

27:06.790 --> 27:10.949
In a relationship, but there's no way I would
be comfortable.

27:11.930 --> 27:13.619
With intimacy before my surgery.

27:20.560 --> 27:22.520
If I had to put a term on it.

27:24.180 --> 27:27.410
I'm still trying to deal with a bit of
internalized homophobia,

27:27.439 --> 27:31.599
I guess.
One of the ways I dealt with making sure I

27:31.599 --> 27:34.880
didn't like guys was a fear of being gay.

27:35.680 --> 27:38.959
I didn't want to be gay.
I knew I wasn't gay and more importantly.

27:40.410 --> 27:43.439
I see myself completely as a woman, especially
in bed and.

27:44.709 --> 27:51.589
The idea of entering my penis into the equation
would just it would mess

27:51.589 --> 27:53.510
with my sense of gender too badly and that.

27:54.369 --> 27:55.369
Environment.

28:03.770 --> 28:07.290
One night in February, it had to have been 3 or
4 in the morning.

28:08.650 --> 28:10.719
It was pitch black.
It was a basement apartment.

28:10.800 --> 28:14.630
I just sat up and said to myself, I have to do
this.

28:14.760 --> 28:16.869
I'm trans.
I have to do this.

28:17.040 --> 28:21.250
What I realized was that my biggest problem
with transition wasn't.

28:22.719 --> 28:25.540
Am I really a woman, blah, blah, blah.
It was,

28:26.310 --> 28:27.949
how am I going to tell my family?

28:28.900 --> 28:33.229
And ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Saint John
for your comfort and your safety.

28:33.349 --> 28:36.540
Please remain seated with your seatbelt
fastened.

28:36.550 --> 28:41.699
You carry on stowed until the seatbelt sign has
been turned off.

28:45.109 --> 28:48.670
There's been a lot of stuff going on with my
family outside of the transition.

28:49.030 --> 28:53.109
My parents separated.
It wasn't the smoothest of separations,

28:53.780 --> 28:59.729
and it, in many ways, kind of overshadowed this.

29:00.050 --> 29:02.569
There's been times where I've been far more
concerned with trying to.

29:03.640 --> 29:06.540
Get my head around what's been going on inside
my family,

29:06.599 --> 29:10.280
that transition almost seemed like it's, you
know, yeah,

29:10.349 --> 29:13.000
it's something I'll deal with later.
This is more important kind of thing.

29:22.719 --> 29:24.199
After my parents' separation.

29:25.069 --> 29:28.949
It's not like I'm going home anymore.
It doesn't feel like it's my house anymore.

29:29.920 --> 29:33.310
Back when my parents were still together, when
I'd come back from the city to come and visit,

29:33.520 --> 29:36.530
I honestly felt like I was going home.
My room still looked the way it did.

29:36.880 --> 29:41.510
I mean, it may have been set up as a spare room
or a TV room or something.

29:43.849 --> 29:45.510
But it was still basically my room.

29:46.319 --> 29:52.810
It's not.
I mean, I came back a while ago and my dad's

29:52.810 --> 29:55.089
wife's daughter was living in there and I was
like, OK,

29:55.170 --> 29:57.119
whatever.
I mean, I completely understand why, obviously,

29:57.250 --> 30:00.670
but.
At that point, it wasn't my home anymore.

30:04.250 --> 30:06.400
I guess it's sort of the last part of the
coming out.

30:17.530 --> 30:21.640
Hey, wait.
Yeah.

30:27.550 --> 30:29.680
You were good.
It's great.

30:30.869 --> 30:37.280
Madison was my son for, you know, 25, 26 years,
and all of a sudden your daughter,

30:37.390 --> 30:42.180
it's not like something you can switch a switch
on and this living room now?

30:42.469 --> 30:45.109
Yeah.
Oh yeah, that's all changed since you already

30:45.630 --> 30:51.229
you know, obviously it was very confusing and you
know I go through the things I think any parent

30:51.229 --> 30:54.219
would like, you know, what did I do wrong or you
know and all this.

30:54.270 --> 30:59.180
I did a lot of research on it and talked to as
many people as I could at work.

30:59.510 --> 31:06.410
We have a couple of, um, guys that are gay,
and you know, we all

31:06.410 --> 31:12.729
hang around a friend of theirs; one of them has
had this and so I met and we talked and you

31:12.729 --> 31:18.729
know and I, I learned a lot, and I'm 110%
convinced that's what Matt

31:18.739 --> 31:23.530
you know, Madison wants to do and it's the
exact right thing to do.

31:26.119 --> 31:27.810
Madison wants a vagina.

31:28.469 --> 31:30.660
Yeah, it's sort of like all I want.

31:31.170 --> 31:32.229
What's that, a nip and tack?

31:33.189 --> 31:34.979
All I want for Christmas is my two front
testicles gone.

31:35.819 --> 31:40.180
Like I said to Madison, you know, I'm glad
she's got the balls to do what she's doing

31:40.180 --> 31:41.209
while she's still got them.

31:43.739 --> 31:46.030
Actually, you look good.
I'm pleased.

31:46.119 --> 31:51.630
That was probably, I was saying to Janet, my
biggest kind of worry was that you wouldn't

31:51.920 --> 31:54.209
look good, but you do.
I have to give you that.

31:54.630 --> 31:58.709
Thanks.
Well, it's funny because I, I, uh, I was

31:59.089 --> 32:03.349
holding your pictures today this morning and
trying to figure out and,

32:03.359 --> 32:07.500
uh.
You still look like you used to, but different

32:07.500 --> 32:12.229
in a good way, you know, we all change, we
change by day.

32:12.660 --> 32:14.369
Some people change more than others.

32:14.739 --> 32:21.550
Madison went to the extreme, but I'm real happy
for Madison because Madison's happy.

32:22.369 --> 32:26.069
And what more could a father want to have your
kid happy?

32:26.930 --> 32:30.579
That's it. Right, sorry.

32:44.489 --> 32:49.040
I'm gonna be seeing my sister very shortly, um,
and then my brother's gonna be here in probably

32:49.040 --> 32:52.150
not too long from now, and I'll be seeing both
of them for the first time.

32:52.640 --> 32:53.949
I was talking to my brother for a bit last
night.

32:54.000 --> 32:55.709
I know he's really nervous.

32:56.079 --> 33:00.199
I'm a fair bit more nervous about meeting Ryan
than I am about meeting my sister Maggie.

33:00.199 --> 33:02.599
Because, um, she's seen pictures of me, so.

33:03.109 --> 33:06.130
I don't think it's going to be such a big
surprise for her as it will be for my brother.

33:06.859 --> 33:09.540
Not sure yet.
About a year and a half ago was when she called

33:09.540 --> 33:12.890
me and told me, um, I was the second person she
told.

33:12.939 --> 33:15.219
She called me after calling my mother.
I told my sister,

33:15.300 --> 33:17.420
I said, you know, do you know what transgender
is?

33:17.540 --> 33:20.660
And she said, yeah.
And I said, well, I just dumped something

33:20.660 --> 33:24.099
really heavy on Mom.
I said, I'm trans and I just told her that.

33:24.140 --> 33:27.670
The very first thing she said to me, she goes,
Wait, does this mean you're going to be a

33:27.670 --> 33:29.099
bridesmaid instead of a groomsman?

33:29.300 --> 33:32.520
And I said, well, if that's OK with you, and
she was like,

33:32.640 --> 33:35.199
Damn, and I was like, at this point, I didn't
know how she was reacting.

33:35.239 --> 33:36.430
I was like, ah, what's that mean?

33:36.760 --> 33:39.400
And she's like, we had the right number of
groomsmen and bridesmaids.

33:39.439 --> 33:42.160
Now we're off.
And I was just like, oh my god,

33:42.199 --> 33:43.630
Maggie, I so love you.

33:44.000 --> 33:48.849
I wouldn't have been very surprised to have had
the same call,

33:48.880 --> 33:51.800
but it'd be saying that Madison was gay.

33:52.510 --> 33:55.150
But that didn't seem, that just didn't seem to
fit.

33:55.510 --> 34:00.630
I trust her, and the fact that I know that if
she says she's female and she knows she's a

34:00.630 --> 34:06.550
woman and that's enough for me. I really do, you
know, think of her as a sister.

34:06.630 --> 34:08.100
I think she is a woman.

34:08.659 --> 34:10.379
It's really, really nice.

34:11.979 --> 34:13.128
Just a little jealous.

34:13.849 --> 34:15.809
Not much, just a little, and my brother.

34:17.020 --> 34:20.169
I was talking to him last night and he's like,
Yeah, I've never been this nervous in my life,

34:20.340 --> 34:23.189
so and I can understand because I'm kind of
nervous about seeing him too,

34:23.340 --> 34:30.250
so Ryan, I think, is extremely nervous and
actually should be here now, and

34:30.250 --> 34:34.489
it's probably up Tim Hortons wing about 4
coffee down before he comes.

34:35.829 --> 34:36.829
He's here.

34:42.629 --> 34:48.399
Good to see you too, man.
Kind of weird, huh?

34:49.398 --> 34:54.409
You good.
And beer.

34:56.229 --> 34:58.399
Ah, fucking chilly.

34:58.780 --> 35:00.530
I wish it was still summer.

35:01.229 --> 35:02.820
Remember that first night you told me? Yeah.

35:03.739 --> 35:06.179
But remember I said, are you sure?
Like when I think about it,

35:06.189 --> 35:07.979
I regret saying that.
I just want you know.

35:08.110 --> 35:09.639
No, don't worry about it.
It's a good question.

35:09.790 --> 35:10.909
I ask myself that all the time.

35:11.919 --> 35:14.179
Took two days off work and I found out for fuck's
sake.

35:15.179 --> 35:17.879
Yeah, if you're calling in, you're like, yeah,
I'm calling in sick today.

35:17.919 --> 35:20.510
It's like, this is a mental health day, a fucking
mental health emergency,

35:21.719 --> 35:23.600
I think.
Oh yeah, that's how you said it, and you're

35:23.600 --> 35:25.919
like, yeah, if this isn't an excuse for a
family emergency,

35:25.959 --> 35:27.879
I don't know why I ever
told my boss.

35:28.000 --> 35:30.350
I was like, yeah, this is why I wasn't in the
last two days, and he was like,

35:30.479 --> 35:33.310
Oh, if you need any more time, take it.
Don't worry about it.

35:34.530 --> 35:35.659
I won't hold it against you.

35:36.889 --> 35:39.090
Why didn't you say you were freaked out after a
couple of days and started smashing the

35:39.090 --> 35:40.120
forklift and stuff?

35:41.090 --> 35:46.550
No, no, I was just, no, I didn't, I don't know.
The biggest thing that screwed me up was

35:46.550 --> 35:49.070
that I just felt like the brother that I grew
up with is dead.

35:49.139 --> 35:52.830
It's like finding out you get a call that
someone's in a car accident and they're dead,

35:52.830 --> 35:55.790
and it's your brother, and that's how I kind of
felt, and that was the biggest thing that

35:55.790 --> 35:57.979
screwed me up, but it's not really like that
anymore.

35:58.340 --> 36:04.600
Don't give me that.
Yeah. It's good to see you.

36:04.699 --> 36:06.600
Give me a hug.
I gotta put this down here.

36:07.360 --> 36:12.449
Put your beer down.
Take my back.

36:16.139 --> 36:17.530
It's my brother's birthday today.

36:17.850 --> 36:23.330
So my sister, him, myself, and whoever else
will probably be going out and doing something

36:23.330 --> 36:27.479
tonight.
So where are you headed tonight?

36:27.600 --> 36:32.479
Any chance to come back here after? I don't know.
We got a designated driver all lined up

36:32.479 --> 36:37.139
and everything to get home.
Because I think, I think we're gonna hang out

36:37.139 --> 36:42.389
here with Madison and might have a few
people over or whatever, so I just thought if

36:42.389 --> 36:45.949
you could come back and then stay the night
here and we'll have a few beers and give you

36:45.949 --> 36:48.000
your birthday, give you your birthday thing.

36:48.310 --> 36:51.780
I'm still not clear what's going on, so there
you go. You can tell me what's going on tonight.

36:52.350 --> 36:54.689
I'm going. My friend Kevin's like throwing a
birthday party for me,

36:54.770 --> 36:59.270
but it's his wife's sister. It's also her
birthday, so there's kind of like a joint

36:59.270 --> 37:02.919
birthday party out there. Like that's what I
mean. If it was just mine, it's in my head.

37:04.870 --> 37:06.189
Or no, just leave it till tomorrow.

37:06.389 --> 37:09.050
I think we'll just leave it till tomorrow, like
just because it's a,

37:09.189 --> 37:11.790
it's not just my birthday. Like it's nothing,
you know what I mean.

37:11.870 --> 37:13.739
It's not like I'm not embarrassed by any means
or anything.

37:13.790 --> 37:16.870
You know what I mean?
It's just that it's her party too and

37:19.139 --> 37:24.590
that type of thing.
I know why he said it, why he doesn't want me

37:24.590 --> 37:27.229
there.
I don't hold it against him at all.

37:28.739 --> 37:31.050
It makes me feel kind of shitty though, but I mean.

37:32.360 --> 37:34.840
I don't want to say that to him because

37:35.689 --> 37:37.360
I totally understand.
Like, it's a big thing,

37:37.459 --> 37:38.510
right?
And if I go there,

37:40.290 --> 37:44.080
and everyone finds out that I'm trans,

37:45.290 --> 37:48.719
it will probably be a bit of a thing, and he, he
works with a lot of,

37:49.129 --> 37:52.129
you know, he works in a factory, right?
So a lot of the guys there are like men's men

37:52.129 --> 37:56.919
kind of thing.
I know that they make a lot of gay jokes and

37:56.919 --> 38:00.510
stuff like that, because before I transitioned,
my brother used to make a lot of gay jokes too

38:00.800 --> 38:02.590
and it's just that kind of an atmosphere.

38:03.040 --> 38:06.679
Like, I honestly understand.
It's just I can't change the fact that it still

38:06.679 --> 38:11.090
makes me feel crappy because I'm not invited
because I'm trans.

38:11.399 --> 38:13.229
If I was my old self,

38:14.850 --> 38:16.520
I'd be invited, no questions asked.

38:18.000 --> 38:23.149
But I'm not my old self and I have to remind
myself that I'm not normal.

38:38.639 --> 38:41.520
In order to get the surgery, you have to have
two letters,

38:41.600 --> 38:46.989
one from your doctor and one from a PhD
psychiatrist, psychologist.

38:47.159 --> 38:50.919
But at this point I can't think of a realistic
feasible date.

38:51.000 --> 38:52.590
I'm still hoping for soon.

38:53.080 --> 38:57.189
Um, I still have a personal goal of having the
surgery done by the end of the year.

38:58.550 --> 39:03.280
Usually when I tend to get more upset about the
fact that I'm trans.

39:05.520 --> 39:09.500
I just keep thinking it's because of that
little bit of flesh.

39:09.639 --> 39:14.399
If it hadn't been there from day one, I would
have had a normal life.

39:48.979 --> 39:52.449
Everything's been so crazy lately, but I think
about four weeks ago or so,

39:52.820 --> 39:55.409
a friend of mine who I've been friends with for
a long time,

39:55.580 --> 39:59.020
who I considered a brother, I went through some.

40:00.070 --> 40:03.429
rather stressful times.
I mean he was there to help me.

40:07.149 --> 40:10.560
I joke about, oh I wish I had met Cameron after
I transitioned her.

40:10.850 --> 40:13.290
I wish I wasn't trans and met Cameron or
something like that.

40:21.199 --> 40:22.270
I see her as female.

40:23.879 --> 40:30.590
Even when I think about, like, I don't try to
imagine

40:30.590 --> 40:31.840
her completely.

40:32.669 --> 40:37.530
Biologically, as female, because I know she isn't
and my mind just doesn't work that way,

40:37.629 --> 40:41.639
but
this has actually confused me quite a bit

40:41.639 --> 40:44.760
in the beginning because I didn't know how it
was so easy.

40:44.800 --> 40:50.070
I was just able to go over to think of her as
completely female,

40:50.179 --> 40:51.590
even though I still

40:53.110 --> 40:55.830
can think where I can still see the

40:57.090 --> 40:58.340
old parts.

40:59.360 --> 41:03.580
I don't try to imagine they're not there.
I can just see her as female.

41:05.010 --> 41:08.719
I don't see gender as just physical anymore.

41:10.679 --> 41:11.939
That's what I'm trying to say.

41:12.199 --> 41:15.080
Cameron is a pretty unique person in that.

41:17.879 --> 41:21.560
He just completely sees me as a woman, and I
honestly believe that.

41:22.389 --> 41:23.790
He's not gay in the least.

41:26.469 --> 41:30.120
There's been stuff that's come up.
We've had long conversations and that's just

41:30.120 --> 41:31.239
something I don't doubt.

41:31.629 --> 41:34.780
If I thought for a moment, like just for a moment,
that he was gay,

41:35.110 --> 41:39.879
our relationship wouldn't work because I
can't date someone who sees me as male.

41:40.030 --> 41:44.229
At the point when I was actually getting
attracted to Medicine, and when we started going

41:44.229 --> 41:48.110
out.
I knew what I was getting into.

41:48.360 --> 41:52.360
I knew she was pre-op, and I knew what that
meant, and I knew how long it would take for

41:53.330 --> 41:56.570
approximately for her to get her surgery and

41:57.330 --> 41:59.899
that I was comfortable with and

42:00.770 --> 42:07.760
ironically, I'm more comfortable, more
accepting of her the way she is now than she is

42:07.760 --> 42:09.760
with herself or with me.

42:11.330 --> 42:13.280
So it's a little tough that way.

42:13.610 --> 42:20.090
There still comes that day when you've got to
show yourself to that person and you're scared

42:20.090 --> 42:23.090
that it's gonna make the person think you're
ugly, you're scared that it's gonna make the

42:23.090 --> 42:24.479
person want to leave you.

42:24.689 --> 42:28.679
You're scared that it's going to damage their
view of you as a person,

42:29.010 --> 42:31.090
or especially, in my case, as a woman.

42:31.770 --> 42:36.610
You want to consummate the relationship, to use
old terms.

42:37.120 --> 42:41.510
And you can't, and it's just a question of
money before you can get the surgery and it's

42:41.510 --> 42:44.939
right, but that surgery could be another year
or two away for all you know,

42:45.270 --> 42:46.419
because it's so expensive.

42:46.709 --> 42:49.229
All we're trying to do is just kind of

42:51.070 --> 42:57.300
uh, make it as easy as possible to get to the
surgery when we can both be happy with each

42:57.300 --> 42:59.540
other and be comfortable with each other.

43:01.510 --> 43:08.179
Well, if she decided not to get the surgery,
then that would be it.

43:09.080 --> 43:12.310
Basically saying that she stopped the
transition there.

43:13.290 --> 43:17.090
And that would probably be pretty much it for
both of us.

43:21.689 --> 43:26.300
Right now in this relationship, yes, I could, uh,
say we love each other.

43:29.929 --> 43:32.169
I'm pretty lucky to have someone I love and who's
my best friend.

44:00.679 --> 44:04.120
When you told me that you and Cameron were
seeing each other,

44:04.239 --> 44:08.570
Madison, I was, uh, I must admit I was
extremely surprised,

44:08.840 --> 44:10.209
really, very surprised.

44:10.600 --> 44:13.270
I like Cameron, he's a nice, he's a nice man.

44:13.560 --> 44:17.919
You're one of the few people who put them in a
bowl and we'll munch on those while we're

44:17.919 --> 44:21.889
having a drink and a little chat and.

44:23.949 --> 44:25.520
All these things are addictive.

44:29.300 --> 44:31.020
I only allow myself one.

44:32.479 --> 44:35.219
You know, your granddad was a great
martini drinker.

44:35.360 --> 44:39.120
I don't know how he'd, I think he would have
abhorred apple martinis.

44:39.199 --> 44:43.879
He would have thought it was a travesty
making martinis,

44:44.929 --> 44:49.389
but they really are very good. Cheers. Cheers.

44:50.239 --> 44:53.139
And you don't want any vodka in your tea, okay.

44:53.360 --> 44:58.360
I must admit that I never thought that you
would be anything other than friends with

44:58.360 --> 45:00.320
Cameron because, you know, um.

45:02.209 --> 45:05.800
Although you still haven't had your
operation, there are,

45:06.370 --> 45:09.439
you know, problems there with having a kind of
relationship with someone.

45:09.649 --> 45:14.530
I mean, you know, that's your business.
You and I have been very frank about so many

45:14.530 --> 45:18.239
things and, uh, we have kind of been confidants
with each other.

45:18.489 --> 45:23.530
So I don't really want to press you on the
subject because it's not my business of the

45:23.530 --> 45:27.320
subject of Cameron, but it did surprise me
because I,

45:27.889 --> 45:31.239
I mean, you said to me, uh, that Cameron was
straight.

45:31.370 --> 45:35.100
Well, I mean, I don't know whether, um.

45:37.139 --> 45:40.280
In your situation, what is straight and what is
gay?

45:40.340 --> 45:46.530
I mean, I'm very confused about it, that is,
but all I want is for you to feel

45:46.979 --> 45:52.260
loved and to feel that you, that someone
loves you and that you're capable of loving

45:52.260 --> 45:58.090
someone and if your relationship
with Cameron has evolved to this,

45:58.179 --> 46:01.129
I mean, who am I to say anything?
It's your life,

46:01.219 --> 46:05.020
not mine.
And you know, I'm 81 and nothing,

46:05.229 --> 46:08.429
nothing really surprises me about human
behavior.

46:08.550 --> 46:12.840
I must admit, there are things that I approve of
and things that I don't approve of, and,

46:12.850 --> 46:17.760
um, and my feeling is if, if people are happy
and they're not doing it on the street and

46:17.760 --> 46:19.879
frightening the horses, then.

46:21.290 --> 46:22.550
I'm okay with it.

46:28.260 --> 46:30.719
I don't know, it's been a bunch of things
stressing me out lately.

46:31.090 --> 46:33.239
Money is probably one of the biggest ones.

46:33.850 --> 46:36.959
I've got a little under half the money I need
for surgery saved.

46:37.209 --> 46:40.500
Surgery's going to cost $16,810.

46:41.090 --> 46:43.729
Right now, I've got about $7,000 saved in the
bank.

46:45.300 --> 46:51.080
The company I work for is pretty small, and
they've been in a bit of a slump lately,

46:51.239 --> 46:57.050
so one of the downsides is I have been paid
very little since about November and haven't

46:57.050 --> 46:59.179
really seen anything in the last month or two.

47:00.340 --> 47:02.580
Which has me pretty stressed out because I'm
older.

47:03.790 --> 47:05.840
By my standards, that's a fairly large amount of money.

47:12.639 --> 47:17.010
What I do is I'm a Linux system administrator
and programmer.

47:17.500 --> 47:22.020
Before I transitioned, I made anywhere from 2
to 4 times what I'm making now.

47:22.340 --> 47:25.300
Most of the people who I know who have similar
experience to me are making

47:26.810 --> 47:28.459
a substantial amount more than I am.

47:32.449 --> 47:35.520
How's it going?
I had a talk with my boss a few weeks ago

47:35.520 --> 47:39.439
saying I don't want to leave.
I mean, the guy's been incredibly cool about

47:39.439 --> 47:40.520
everything.
I mean, he hired me when

47:41.560 --> 47:42.860
a lot of other people wouldn't.

47:43.620 --> 47:46.790
Um, and I owe him for that, but at the same time.

47:47.580 --> 47:49.330
I kind of need to get paid.

47:50.669 --> 47:54.520
Adding to the pile, I started having chest
pains and breathing troubles.

47:55.929 --> 47:57.929
I'm more than a little stressed out lately.

48:01.330 --> 48:07.530
Medicine. Okay.

48:10.669 --> 48:12.790
So you had your neurology stuff done?

48:13.479 --> 48:14.870
And did he go over it with you?

48:15.639 --> 48:18.909
Um, not really, he just basically said he
couldn't figure anything out,

48:19.030 --> 48:23.090
so he sent me to a cardiologist who I've seen
who also said he couldn't figure anything out.

48:23.179 --> 48:26.030
I said, yeah, your heart's good.
Uh, I kind of expected good news.

48:26.110 --> 48:31.580
Yeah, you don't, it's in medicine, um, good
news, um,

48:31.590 --> 48:33.620
you don't want the neurologist to find a lot of
things either.

48:34.310 --> 48:37.469
Um, so what they basically, the neur—so the
cardiologist said that the chest pains that

48:37.469 --> 48:40.830
you're having are just body wall and have
nothing to do with the heart,

48:40.909 --> 48:42.030
so you don't have to worry about that.

48:42.500 --> 48:45.760
Um, so there's no impediment to surgery or
anything like that.

48:46.489 --> 48:49.429
I don't look at my body and think I'm trans
anymore, but I do think.

48:50.959 --> 48:54.639
I've got this thing down here that just looks
wrong, and I don't want anyone to see it.

48:55.050 --> 48:57.129
Even the outline of it, and even the silhouette
of it.

48:58.899 --> 49:03.729
And if I was at a point where there was no
surgery.

49:04.060 --> 49:08.899
I think then I could start to talk about
finding a self-love kind of point or kind of

49:08.899 --> 49:11.379
thing where I could say to myself, this is how
I am for the rest of my life,

49:11.439 --> 49:13.850
deal with it, but it's not how I am for the
rest of my life.

49:15.030 --> 49:18.040
I have frequent fantasies of just ripping the
damn thing off.

49:18.320 --> 49:20.419
I have to keep reminding myself, no, raw
materials for the surgery,

49:20.459 --> 49:21.580
raw materials for the surgery.

49:42.280 --> 49:44.510
Today I'm sending off the last money order for
my surgery.

49:45.120 --> 49:47.699
This money order is $12,310.

49:48.840 --> 49:54.320
A lot of money.
Actually, it's all of my money.

49:54.649 --> 49:57.040
And that's after the first money order of $4,500.

49:57.770 --> 50:00.010
The money orders are made out to the office of
my surgeon,

50:00.129 --> 50:05.729
Dr. Brassard.
I'm completely broke again.

50:16.879 --> 50:20.669
I haven't seen you for a little while, so we
haven't had a chance to have a little chat

50:20.669 --> 50:24.870
about your.
Forthcoming surgery medicine, so working to pay

50:24.870 --> 50:28.030
for forthcoming surgery.

50:29.449 --> 50:34.679
Well, I really don't know how on earth a doctor,
regardless of how skillful he is,

50:35.189 --> 50:40.449
can replicate female genitalia, you know, I
mean, I'm a woman.

50:40.530 --> 50:44.040
I know what we look like down there.
It's fairly complex.

50:44.209 --> 50:49.889
It's well, it is complex, and um you know, I.

50:50.580 --> 50:55.090
I'm, I'm not going to, uh, ask for show and
tell, you know.

50:57.570 --> 51:04.360
But, uh, but you must tell me, you know, how,
how satis how satisfied you are

51:04.360 --> 51:09.600
with this.
If, if the surgery, um, if this man is a genius

51:09.600 --> 51:13.270
can do and can do this kind of surgery, but
that is the thing that,

51:14.090 --> 51:20.280
you know, I hate to almost to say it to you,
but that is the thing that I find intriguing

51:20.280 --> 51:25.379
and puzzling.
And any any other word you want to associate

51:25.379 --> 51:29.530
with it, how on earth can somebody sculpt
something like that?

51:30.189 --> 51:34.780
Mostly I think it comes down to two things.
One, it's always easier to take something away

51:35.149 --> 51:36.909
than just add it on.
So that's what puts.

51:37.030 --> 51:40.219
Yeah, but you have to, but it's not just taking
something away.

51:40.550 --> 51:45.899
It's then redoing the whole thing.
The second part is that the actual components

51:46.590 --> 51:50.360
between male and female genitalia are
biologically the same.

51:50.810 --> 51:53.219
So they have, but they don't look the same.

51:55.620 --> 52:00.620
It's probably the most crucial thing that
should, that you have done or will ever do in

52:00.620 --> 52:01.810
your entire life.

52:03.159 --> 52:08.050
Yeah, you know, it's like, uh, when you decide
to get married,

52:08.219 --> 52:12.250
you know, when I decided to get married and,
and, uh,

52:12.260 --> 52:16.260
you know, you.
You think, what on earth does the future hold

52:16.260 --> 52:21.459
for me, you know, and it's a scary thing to
face and uh it's pretty scary for you,

52:21.580 --> 52:22.899
but uh you'll be OK.

52:24.639 --> 52:30.949
All I can really say about the surgery is it's
been the big stress over the course of the past

52:30.949 --> 52:37.919
year and a half since between us and just
having that out of the way and

52:37.919 --> 52:44.760
being able to continue on with our lives
without that hanging over us is going to

52:44.760 --> 52:46.389
be a great relief.

52:48.110 --> 52:52.459
Yeah, we'll have a good idea after the surgery.

52:53.429 --> 52:55.760
Where things are going to stand more in the
long run,

52:55.790 --> 52:58.379
I think.
At this point there's still a big question mark.

52:58.550 --> 53:03.070
What's life gonna be like afterwards?
It has been very tense at times,

53:03.149 --> 53:08.590
yeah, especially recently.
It's been a long time and there's a lot both of

53:08.590 --> 53:10.939
us are getting on each other's case about.

53:11.389 --> 53:17.280
I don't think everything's going to be settled
at all until after the surgery and after all

53:17.280 --> 53:20.870
the drugs and hormones settle and we see where
we're standing then.

53:27.989 --> 53:30.879
I'm feeling nervous, nervous about the surgery.

53:31.689 --> 53:33.929
I'm worried there's gonna be complications or
whatever.

53:34.040 --> 53:35.669
I just won't be happy until it's over.

53:36.080 --> 53:40.280
I think part of everything right now is just a
very, very big feeling of disbelief that this

53:40.280 --> 53:41.409
is actually going to happen.

53:47.000 --> 53:50.149
It's like when I went skydiving 10 years ago,
when the moment actually came,

53:50.229 --> 53:51.979
it's like, holy crap, here we go.

53:53.989 --> 53:56.919
Mom's here.
She's coming in to stay with me in Montreal for

53:56.919 --> 54:02.060
my operation.
You got your hair straightened.

54:04.040 --> 54:06.070
Oh, it doesn't last.

54:09.500 --> 54:09.580
How's yours?
Oh good.

54:09.600 --> 54:14.800
I don't think even at the beginning I quite
realized how complex it was all gonna get and

54:15.120 --> 54:19.120
I wondered how many different things were gonna go through
my mind and how many questions I was gonna have

54:19.120 --> 54:22.510
about, you know, how this happened, why it
happened, and I did feel really,

54:22.560 --> 54:27.429
really alone, and I did have good friends
that I could talk to.

54:27.560 --> 54:29.600
I knew I would accept it.
I mean, I know you're the parent,

54:29.639 --> 54:32.040
you have to accept everything that happens and
um.

54:32.550 --> 54:35.939
I understand it's what she wants.
I think it's for the best.

54:36.590 --> 54:41.679
And if that's what's gonna make her happy
and feel right as a person.

54:54.790 --> 55:00.169
You must have some blood tests done and
everything so we can take care of you like you

55:00.169 --> 55:06.040
usually say, and the change of sex, that's there,
and we will put you to sleep you sign.

55:07.989 --> 55:10.310
There, and it's too late.
It's too late to change.

55:11.560 --> 55:14.149
You want a lot.
I don't, I don't plan to change my mind.

55:14.489 --> 55:16.540
I'm nervous, but I don't plan to change my mind.

55:17.399 --> 55:18.879
Hi, how are you?

55:19.199 --> 55:21.270
Good, yes, and you are.

55:22.560 --> 55:23.629
Oh, doctor. Yes.

55:24.080 --> 55:27.270
The one thing I'm a little concerned about is
the surgery, 2.5 hours?

55:27.479 --> 55:30.969
It is OK.
I was just surprised because that seems a very short time.

55:31.080 --> 55:34.000
OK, well, it's um.

55:35.719 --> 55:39.709
I mean, if a surgeon does this surgery
maybe once or twice a year,

55:39.750 --> 55:45.179
he will do it in 4 or 6 hours because he
doesn't know what step comes after,

55:45.310 --> 55:46.659
you know, it's coming after another.

55:47.110 --> 55:50.750
I do it very often.
It's like a piece of music you hear, it's one

55:50.750 --> 55:53.969
note after another and then it's done.
Well, it's the same,

55:54.389 --> 55:57.800
so it's not routine because there are
many variations,

55:58.149 --> 55:59.870
but at the same time I've done, uh.

56:00.800 --> 56:05.439
1000 of those surgeries, so I know what to
expect and how to plan and,

56:05.500 --> 56:11.209
and you know, I know what comes across most of
the oh yeah, oh yeah, I must say most of,

56:11.399 --> 56:12.560
yeah, yeah, definitely.

56:14.610 --> 56:17.580
You get some sleep, OK, try and take whatever
they give you,

56:17.590 --> 56:20.159
I will, OK, because you need to get some sleep
so you can,

56:20.179 --> 56:22.239
you'll heal up better with more rest, OK?

56:22.969 --> 56:27.409
I'm just gonna pretend like it's not happening.
I want to see a groggy Maddie tomorrow.

56:29.219 --> 56:33.290
All right, sweetie.
All right, you too, take care and get some

56:33.290 --> 56:36.979
sleep.
Just all right.

56:38.669 --> 56:41.219
All right.
Good morning, bright and early.

58:29.330 --> 58:31.310
I can't believe I'm here.

58:33.030 --> 58:34.389
Life just won't be the same.

59:04.790 --> 59:05.790
She's a girl now.

59:18.469 --> 59:25.260
I was there.
Hi, Vivian, it's

59:25.260 --> 59:27.370
Sherry.
All right.

59:30.800 --> 59:33.929
Yeah, I just want to let you know Maddie just
came back out of surgery.

59:34.000 --> 59:35.389
They just brought her back to her room.

59:37.580 --> 59:38.820
Yeah, it was this morning.

59:40.989 --> 59:42.179
No, no, it was today.

59:45.489 --> 59:47.889
Good, she looks pretty pale and she was
shivering.

59:47.929 --> 59:50.770
They were just, um, they're just getting her
settled back in her room.

59:54.729 --> 59:59.239
No, well, it's all over with now. OK. OK.

01:00:01.030 --> 01:00:02.139
OK, love you, bye bye.

01:00:04.719 --> 01:00:08.389
So here we go, hm.

01:00:09.209 --> 01:00:10.739
I can handle recovery.

01:00:14.070 --> 01:00:15.870
I have a drink of water now.

01:00:17.030 --> 01:00:18.189
I should have a drink of water.

01:00:28.080 --> 01:00:32.409
So she wants.
Yes, orange juice.

01:00:34.310 --> 01:00:37.709
I've made it around the nurse's station, I
think twice since the big operation.

01:00:38.719 --> 01:00:42.399
But usually I get up and try to walk and I only
go so far and I start getting really woozy.

01:00:43.770 --> 01:00:46.540
So I think part of my problem is I haven't been
eating very much,

01:00:46.790 --> 01:00:50.229
but
I get the food and I'm just not hungry.

01:00:50.479 --> 01:00:51.919
Cameron's been really good at trying to.

01:00:53.379 --> 01:00:54.760
Coax me into eating it all.

01:00:55.790 --> 01:00:58.120
He sort of stays on my case.
He's like, I don't care if it takes you an hour,

01:00:58.229 --> 01:00:59.739
and he does, and he'll sit there for an hour.

01:01:00.580 --> 01:01:02.370
Not pushing me too hard, but making sure I eat.

01:01:02.780 --> 01:01:04.629
I think that's probably my biggest problem, just.

01:01:05.669 --> 01:01:06.770
I haven't been eating enough.

01:01:19.820 --> 01:01:20.929
I'm glad I didn't take the demo.

01:01:24.469 --> 01:01:27.040
I'm gonna see if I can get around once and if I
can, I'm gonna see if I can get dressed.

01:01:31.320 --> 01:01:35.179
Good.
Yeah, I just wanna get home and everything get

01:01:35.179 --> 01:01:36.179
back to normal.

01:01:43.169 --> 01:01:44.169
I want

01:01:50.780 --> 01:01:50.879
your eyes.
Keep your eyes open.

01:01:51.050 --> 01:01:55.520
Try to go to the bathroom and nearly pass out
and cause a great big commotion and scare a

01:01:55.520 --> 01:02:00.370
bunch of people.
And establishing

01:02:26.300 --> 01:02:27.919
Good morning.
Good morning.

01:02:28.419 --> 01:02:29.770
So how are you?

01:02:30.010 --> 01:02:31.360
Much better.
You're much better.

01:02:31.570 --> 01:02:34.449
They said this morning that it wasn't
bleeding, so it was very good news.

01:02:34.610 --> 01:02:38.929
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we had a small incident.
I'm going to remove this.

01:02:38.969 --> 01:02:42.330
Listen.
We had a small incident; we had to, uh,

01:02:43.199 --> 01:02:48.000
put a very small dressing on the small lips
because the bleeding came from there.

01:02:48.080 --> 01:02:51.889
There was no—well, there's a stitch holding the
dressing on,

01:02:51.899 --> 01:02:55.399
but, um, I'm going to cut that stitch Monday.

01:02:56.560 --> 01:03:00.870
You know, when there's bleeding after the
surgery, it's always from there because the

01:03:00.870 --> 01:03:04.070
small lips are very, um, well
vascularized.

01:03:04.110 --> 01:03:08.270
There's lots of blood going there, so looking at
the, uh, surgery,

01:03:08.510 --> 01:03:13.090
everything's great.
You must walk and be active.

01:03:16.620 --> 01:03:19.439
You've got to go through a lot of effort, a lot
of

01:03:20.500 --> 01:03:25.919
pain, both physical and emotional, for that
ultimate, somewhat ironic, goal of feeling finely

01:03:25.919 --> 01:03:29.679
normal.
When I decided that I was going to transition,

01:03:29.929 --> 01:03:32.770
I viewed being transsexual as a very temporary
thing.

01:03:35.310 --> 01:03:37.939
I don't want to be seen in the world as a
transsexual.

01:03:38.060 --> 01:03:39.860
I want to be seen in the world as just a woman.

01:03:48.939 --> 01:03:52.969
Yeah, see you later. Yeah.

01:04:18.949 --> 01:04:21.000
I had my surgery six weeks ago today.

01:04:22.409 --> 01:04:23.820
Recovery is as good as I can hope.

01:04:26.239 --> 01:04:30.129
How are things?
Yeah, and following up with the last conversation.

01:04:30.239 --> 01:04:35.580
Things were good before the surgery; I was kind
of expecting when I woke up from the surgery,

01:04:35.620 --> 01:04:41.830
there would be this big
but kind of Hollywood-style dramatic moment,

01:04:41.909 --> 01:04:44.620
but there wasn't.
So what are we doing today?

01:04:45.149 --> 01:04:48.429
The only thing that's really changed is I'm
just a lot more comfortable with myself.

01:04:48.590 --> 01:04:51.580
Everything seemed fine.
I think, you know, it's a very good job.

01:04:52.060 --> 01:04:54.780
Yeah, there's a little bit that lifted up that
I saw, and I'm not too keen on,

01:04:54.850 --> 01:04:58.340
but, you know what, remember the swelling
magnifies everything,

01:04:59.090 --> 01:05:01.360
right?
So as the overall swelling goes down,

01:05:01.610 --> 01:05:05.679
the asymmetries, the bumps, and any
flaws also,

01:05:05.689 --> 01:05:10.489
uh, yeah, and remember that nobody is born
perfect, and nobody is born symmetric,

01:05:11.010 --> 01:05:14.939
OK?
The important things are form and function, and

01:05:14.939 --> 01:05:18.300
form's been good from day one, and I'm
telling from the grin on your face, function is.

01:05:18.300 --> 01:05:22.669
That's also good.
You, you're blushing.

01:05:23.149 --> 01:05:24.260
See, I wonder why.

01:05:40.110 --> 01:05:42.969
Well, how's the healing process going?
Are you pretty well

01:05:43.110 --> 01:05:45.780
pretty much done?
It's, it's OK, is it?

01:05:45.909 --> 01:05:48.909
Oh, that's good.
So, I was actually surprised at how quickly I

01:05:48.909 --> 01:05:52.629
was going to heal.
I heard people like six months later were like,

01:05:52.969 --> 01:05:54.250
by then, still a mess.

01:05:54.830 --> 01:05:59.760
I've already been bike riding and stuff, so my
heavens, I figured if you can go bike riding,

01:06:00.350 --> 01:06:02.699
you're pretty much done.
Yeah, I would say so,

01:06:02.750 --> 01:06:04.469
yeah.
So, um.

01:06:05.399 --> 01:06:10.199
Uh, have you been buying any clothes?
Have you been splurging?

01:06:10.310 --> 01:06:12.310
No, you haven't been splurging.
I want to, but,

01:06:13.709 --> 01:06:16.739
you know, I've got a lot of jewelry upstairs.
Are you interested?

01:06:16.830 --> 01:06:21.550
I'd like to get rid of some of it.
But here are some watches and, and, uh,

01:06:22.189 --> 01:06:26.350
I'm not allowed to wear these, Madison.
They're magnetic because of my,

01:06:26.360 --> 01:06:29.090
um, because of my pacemaker.

01:06:30.639 --> 01:06:33.810
You see, and then you can, you can do this.

01:06:36.389 --> 01:06:38.020
And have it like that.

01:06:39.060 --> 01:06:43.120
I think this is dangerously girly of me.
Dangerously girly of you.

01:06:43.489 --> 01:06:47.929
Jewelry and I don't usually go together.
OK, well then the jewelry.

01:07:00.010 --> 01:07:02.699
How is it coming? They're

01:07:07.350 --> 01:07:11.340
Cameron and I are having a much more normal
relationship.

01:07:11.600 --> 01:07:14.060
I have strong hopes that we're gonna stay
together.

01:07:14.590 --> 01:07:16.560
We definitely want to get a house one day.

01:07:17.699 --> 01:07:20.209
We would like to build our own place.

01:07:20.419 --> 01:07:25.260
We both would love to have a bit of land with a
little garden and try to grow some of our own

01:07:25.260 --> 01:07:28.179
stuff.
We'd both like to have some chickens for some

01:07:28.179 --> 01:07:32.580
eggs and that kind of stuff, and we both want
to live the quiet life,

01:07:32.659 --> 01:07:35.780
the quiet life, a nice, I've had enough
excitement.

01:07:35.860 --> 01:07:39.419
I wanna have a nice quiet country life, and
that's one thing that Cameron's always wanted

01:07:39.419 --> 01:07:40.419
from day one.

01:07:48.169 --> 01:07:54.679
And my view of life is this is just one
life of many and this life was meant to teach

01:07:54.679 --> 01:07:59.989
me certain things.
And I think my life.

01:08:00.699 --> 01:08:04.800
Is to learn what it is to be trans, and I
believe that if I get it right,

01:08:05.129 --> 01:08:08.040
my next life will be a new set of lessons.
If I get it wrong,

01:08:08.090 --> 01:08:09.639
My next life I'll be trans again.

01:08:12.709 --> 01:08:15.540
I don't know.
I've got the rest of my life to figure it out.

01:08:15.540 --> 01:08:17.399
Though, oh.